The invisible family member in the saas-bahu post.

An excerpt from an unpublished comment in response to, ‘From an Anonymous  DIL, Wife and Daughter‘ :

The biggest and most funniest thing is that it is a tussle between TWO WOMEN RPT TWO WOMEN. No feminists mentions this. This reminds me of an old saying in Hindi — Woman is the biggest enemy of another woman. Mother-in-law and newly DIL fighting over a bone. Pity the poor husband.

______________________________________________________________________

Why do I feel there would have been no saas-bahu post if it wasn’t for an invisible member?

Because no bahu would need to worry about what the saas thinks she should wear, eat, cook, drink etc … if there wasn’t a man who quietly conveys that he would not like it if she did not.

He has the society, custom and tradition by his side. He and the society forget that he is the reason why the daughter in law is in this relationship.

And it’s supposed to be a partnership.

Who should be held responsible if she feels, “...petty things seem impossible to handle and everything looks like its going to collapse…“? [More here]

Here was a girl working, studying, meeting friends, living a normal life.. and then suddenly everything changes. It doesn’t have to.

Times are changing. Whether we like it or not, women are beginning to have choices. They are realising that there’s more to life than getting married to a man who doesn’t think they are an equal partner. Soon, it’s not going to be possible to force a young girl to live an unhappy life.

If we want families to get along, or even stay together, we better make it worth while for the one member without whom it would be impossible to have this family system.

If we do not acknowledge that the system is biased, and if we do not change it fast, husbands will increasingly find themselves having to choose between a divorce or moving out with their spouse to make their own homes. (And nothing wrong with that either).

Maybe then Live-in relationships will find favour because they might free women from one-way-relationship responsibilities?

Traditionally husbands could live in reasonable comfort while remaining  invisible.  Infact they were discouraged from ‘interfering‘, which basically meant they must not support the wife. This generally made a new family member feel isolated. Today it should not be difficult for a middle class husband to imagine the wife’s discomfort – more so if they have had a similar upbringing, studied in similar schools, read similar books – how would he like to live with her family in similar circumstances?

I know of this man who stopped his wife from objecting to being bullied by his mother. He even convinced her to apologise to his mother sometimes. He  claimed to be stressed and fed-up with the situation at home, but continued to subject the equally (or more) fed up and stressed wife to it. His younger brother joined in finding faults with everything his brother’s wife (bhabhi) did.  The siblings said everyone is their house must obey their mom. Then the younger brother got married. He moved to first floor, made it clear that his wife was ‘modern‘ so she could wear whatever she liked and they went out whenever they pleased. I wonder how the older brother felt when he saw this? The family accepted the situation, they knew this son always had a mind of his own, while the elder one was the dutiful, obedient one.

I think the younger brother learnt from the example of the older one. He realised it was not possible to have a happy family unless his wife was happy. He refused to stay invisible.

_______________________________

*Bahu – Daughter in law

Saas- Mother in law

Bhabhi – Brother’s wife

Advertisements

65 thoughts on “The invisible family member in the saas-bahu post.

  1. Hmmm, the younger ones are generally the smarter ones. So he made a happy marital home after abetting his brother in making his bhabhi miserable. Darn! I dont think the brothers have a happy relationship now! And what about the poor bhabhi? The system sucks.

    Me – I think when they are younger they do not realise, they just follow what they are told, then they learn… The intentions are not bad, but yes it is hell for the bhabhi. Now the younger one is settled abroad, his wife and bhabhi became very close, and bhabhi and the elder one moved to their own house, with support from the younger one’s ‘modern’ wife – I wonder how it would have been of the mother had the maturity to see that this young woman was an adult and equal family member. 😦 For a while they even kept the grand child and sent the older bhabhi home because they didn’t think she was good at anything… a lot of mess.

    Like

    • I know one family who used to live in the house opposite ours growing up. This old woman had 2 sons. The older one was married to a frail pretty girl, and they had a son. Slowly the bahu started looking frailer and more and more bent, like she was a 100 years old. Then we learnt from her son, who was younger to us, that the old woman used to beat the poor girl everyday because she thought the girl did not know ghar ka kaam and the only way to teach is by beating her. This kid used to tell us that his mom does not know anything and that is why she is getting what she deserves. They drilled it into him that his mom was useless. And from a young age he was more attached to his dadi than his mom. Eventually the poor woman went back to her parents’ and we heard she passed away a few years ago.

      Me- I have heard of such stories too Shilpa and that shows they are not uncommon. Along with ruining the mother’s life in this sad, horrible story… haven’t they deprived the husband and the son? Those who care for their sons would never do this to his spouse. 😦

      Like

      • hah..talking of younger brothers… After 10-11 months of marriage, me and my husband had been together for like 3 months or so. I had spent 6+ months with my inlaws, partly my requirment (job etc) and partly because I wanted to ‘connect’ with them. I had option of staying in either of 2 cities for some time to do some course and I chose to stay with inlaws.
        After coming back, just 2-3 months of staying together we got to know that the ILs will be moving to same city, it was understood, with us.
        After discussions, tears, anger, frustration etc we decided that we will ask them to give us some time before we could settle in and get into the grind of married life and it caused much pain to ILs. My Bil gave us a copy of Baghban on our first marriage anniversary to convey the message! 😐
        I did not know whether to bury my head in shame or sit with him and give him a lesson on marriage and gifts 😦

        Me – Blueaquarian, if you don’t mind my saying so, he should not be telling you anything at all. He can do what ever he likes now or later. If you read the comments above, you will find this is common and often causes a lot of unhappiness to the one person who it directly concerns.
        And as for Baghban, please take a look at this post, ‘If I made Baghban’ – https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2009/11/18/if-i-made-baghban/

        Like

  2. Seriously why do you want to marry if all you want to be is be her overlord? In the name of duty men neglect their own families.

    First thing is that the man and his parents have to accept that once he is married he and his wife are the real family.

    Everyone else comes second. And there is NOTHING wrong with it.

    That is why nuclear families have a lot more happiness, because the woman is the maker of her own house, not that of her mother in law!

    A husband and wife’s first duties are towards each other, not towards his parents or her parents. And I cannot stress enough. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG OR UNDUTIFUL ABOUT THAT.

    Me- I agree Shilpa. Very well said.

    Like

  3. IHM, this is so true! When people talk of saas-bhau problems, and put all the blame on the two women involved, they conveniently forget, deliberately, that there would be no problem if HE just made it better! Finally he is the one to ensure that the family stays together, not anyone else! It really is so simple, isnt it? Perhaps that is why it becomes so complicated because no one wants simple solutions anymore!

    Me- In fact Usha, there would be no problem if he didn’t force his spouse to get along and obey. 😦

    Like

    • Right! Does he? W r t her parents, or in laws, or customs and traditions? Because the same so called customs and traditions do demand more from the man, than they actually do…. The seven steps around the holy fire at marriage, for starts!

      Like

  4. times are changing,
    and future is good but as you said this will increase divorce rate,
    very good article.
    you said it rightly live-in will increase if we do not change and accept the reality.

    Like

  5. “no problem if he didn’t force his spouse to get along and obey”

    Not really, the MIL sometimes gets even more aggressive if she feels she is losing control over her son. God help the DIL if there are more people in the house to support the MIL in her crusade.

    Me – SS I felt, once the Son refused to support, the DIL can ignore away a lot of taunts or snide remarks and bullying.

    The whole problem I feel, is about power. The woman of the house feels completely powerless in case she is married into a traditional family – she has to obey everyone, swallow her bitterness and keep her mouth shut. So she desperately waits for the day when there will be ONE member in the household who traditionally has less power than her.
    In addition,

    the whole source of control/power/reason for living for a woman in a conservative setup becomes her children. So she is loath to let go of that control and feel superfluous in the house.

    Me- I feel really sad for the older women here. Many times they have been compelled to live for their children – and also have been bullied by all. They have not seen any other system and genuinely believe they are justified in expecting an obedient daughter in law to rule over. It’s so normal to hear, “Now you are growing old, it’s difficult to do all the house work, get yourself a daughter in law.” … how does a woman shed so much of social conditioning?
    I agree, having a life and interests of her own would leave little time to bother with petty bickering that women are traditionally forced to live with.

    A lot of these problems will be resolved if the woman can have a life/interests of her own outside of her family. This is even true of very liberal minded women – if your family/children are your reason for existence, you will feel very directionless once they no longer need you to run everything in their lives.

    Me- I agree SS, women must not make the children their sole source of happiness, traditional wisdom has been wrong here.

    Like

  6. You said it! Husband and wife got to be one team, there is no other way. My in laws first visit to US, to our home, few months after we got married and they asked my husband (their son) for money when I was out of the house and he said “I will discuss this with her and let you know” They were furious and when I came back to the house after finishing my chores, I see two very annoyed people, a current circulating in the house. it was hard but they did learn that they can’t push me aside, I am an equal part of the team. Our friendship grew much stronger because of that and we both built a trust that none could break. When DIL gets to face the wrath, the flames would go to her husband as well and if he wishes to be out of it then he need not have gotten married. We really should seriously think of explaining what marriage is before anyone gets into it, its not a good thing to learn with trial and error, it ruins many lives that way.

    Many parents think that we are marrying our son and the daughter in law will be our another child in the family. And that leads them to expect the DIL to obey them all the time and this thinking lets them forget that they are two adults who are starting a life of their own rather than just adding one more member to the family.

    The day we realize we don’t own our kids, we will be fine.

    Me – This concept of calling the bride and groom ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ – comes from our history of child marriages, also the concept of thinking of adult, married children as ‘obedient children’ also comes from the same custom. Now we have only adults getting married, but parents refused to accept that. 😦

    Like

  7. IHM,

    This is kinda off-topic (sorry about that) but you need to do a 2nd post about Shoaib, Sania, and Ayesha Siddiqui. I just read on India-Times that the price of Ayesha’s self-respect is INR 15 crores.

    This was all a scam for the money all along. The guy was 19 when the alleged marriage took place. Even if he did marry her (she was 21), I think he was too young for us to pass judgement on him.

    And after repeated cries of “no, this is not about money”, the scamming female and her equally scamming father gets a cool 15 crores.

    Advice to 19 year olds : if a 21 year old proposes marriage via phone, sms, or twitter, please just say no 🙂

    Me – Nish from what I could make out, he was married to her. If 19 is young, so is 21. Both were young. What made him deny an earlier marriage? I would not trust anything a liar says, and he did lie.
    Also it seems she was slim when they got married, perhaps if Sania puts on weight he would deny he was ever married to her?

    Like

    • IHM

      You may disagree with me on this but based on everything I’ve read on brain wiring between men and women, women mature 2-3 years faster than men until both genders normalize around 24 or so.

      It’s observable even in young toddlers where the 2 year old girls are much smarter than the 2 year old boys. It’s also the reason why the majority of countries have a lower legal marriageable age for women versus men. India for example has 21 for men and 18 for women.

      So while you are right in that she was young too, I would venture that he was way more immature than she was – much more than the 2 year gap would indicate.

      And I don’t think he would have risked lying in public if he was even aware that what he was coerced into signing was a marriage certificate.

      I fully get what you were talking about from a general sense, and I also understand that your primary goal was to encourage the idea of registering marriages. But in this case it’s crystal clear that the woman and her father were after gold, right from the time they realized that his marriage with Sania was a good time to go after him.

      And as for him saying he didn’t like the fat girl he saw, it is a little shallow. But then most men and women are shallow when it comes to physical beauty.

      Ironically Sania is not very slim right now, and despite her being a tennis player she is on the “fatter” side of affairs.

      Anyway my whole point with these comments is that Ayesha is an embarrassment to other self respecting women around the world. There was nothing virtuous about her motives here. Money. End of story.

      Finally IHM, thank you for letting me post on an off topic thread here. Appreciate it. Keep up the excellent blogging. 🙂

      Like

      • ‘I’ve read on brain wiring between men and women, women mature 2-3 years faster than men until both genders normalize around 24 or so. ‘

        Nish do women get to vote two years before men> Do they get to sit in competitive exams or earn a driving license or drinking license or vote before men? Do women get to make men listen to them, because they mature earlier? I am not convinced about this, to be honest some men might stay immature all their lives, but they still live their lives and take big decisions, so do women.

        Take a look at this post by Usha, it’s about why women were married to older men, my personal opinion is to make sure they lived to look after him in his old age, and to be able to provide many heirs for a longer period of time, also because there was more chance of their being virgins if they were younger. If they were considered equally matures then why were they expected to obey the older partner? I will write a post on this, but in the meantime… please do take a look,

        http://agelessbonding.blogspot.com/2009/12/half-plus-seven-and-all-that-jazz.html

        Like

  8. “The biggest and most funniest thing” to use the words of the commenter here is NOT the tussle between two women. The “biggest and funniest thing” is that a grown man who should have better sense (after all, isn’t he a man??) decides to “marry” and get home a full grown adult human being of the female gender NOT as his life partner, his ardhangini, but as a gift (read puppet) for his mother. He expects that she jump through hoops and do all the tricks like a trained seal when his mother says so, wear what she says, eat what she gives, sleep when she says tra-la-la-la-la. Now tell me is there ANYTHING at all funnier than that??
    Now if this puppet-procurer of a husband did not expect the woman he married to jump through hoops for his mother WHERE would there be any problem??!! How about he leave the wife alone to live life as an adult in her own right?? THEN his mother would get annoyed and probably fight with him!! Now THAT wouldn’t be funny, would it?? So he opts for the easy way out and expects (nay orders) that his wife remain that puppet called bahu. Well I admit many of the women are fools who fall into this trap.
    To any male who talks about this ‘tussle between TWO WOMEN’ in this derogatory manner, I throw the challenge. Go stay in your wife’s house and be ordered around by your FIL THROUGHOUT your goddamn life. Wear what he orders you to, eat what he thinks you should and only how much he says you should, keep your head bowed and say ‘haanji haanji Pitaji’, don’t have your own interests or hobbies or friends, don’t meet your people, go with FIL wherever he wants you to go, look after his interests and guests and his family, and when he says ‘go get gifts from your parents’ do so however poor your parents might be, don’t ever think of taking his daughter and moving out, consider it your own house, they as your parents and remain there bound to the family till your death…. (these are just a few samples, there is much more where this has come from) Now while leading such a life, I would just like to see any man not having a fight or revolting against the FIL under these circumstances. Then and ONLY THEN need any man snigger about MIL-DIL fights.

    The funniest thing (now this funniest thing is my own view) to me and also the weirdest, is how a man goes ga-ga and all misty-eyed over his mother but forgets to give the same respect and love to his wife, WHO IS ALSO A MOTHER but of his child. Does that make her any less of a mother??!! Not of course that only motherhood should give a woman respect.

    And IHM, I admit all that I have said here are what I have personally told those concerned to their face.

    Me- LOVED, LOVED, LOVED what you have said Shail 😆

    Exactly my feelings!

    Like

  9. Yeah exactly!!! I mean the husband and wife form a team/new family just as the saas and sasur once did ! Can the saas not see this and encourage unity between them as much as possible? I mean why does a woman on becoming a saas not understand that the unity between the partners is the bedrock of the marriage and family,and was also the bedrock of her own marriage too! I shudder to think one metamorphoses over the years to become this scary creature…hope nothing happens to me all of a sudden when I’m in those shoes…I’d better pray just in case-set me straight oh lord!

    Me – I think the simplest rule is to HAVE A LIFE of our own 🙂 And the acceptance than once a child is married, they must be allowed to live their own life.

    Like

  10. I know a friend of mine who is forced to endure hypocrisy by her mother-in-law. Her MIL insists she wear suits at home, restrict her behaviour to being a ‘bahu’, while her daughters are given all freedom when they come home, to wear what they like and do what they like. And then the MIL says she treats my friend like a daughter which completely infuriates her. And worse, her husband sides with MIL because he is just like the son mentioned in this story… the dutiful quiet type 🙄

    Its sad really…. why the double standards? 😐

    Me- I have heard ‘Betiyon aur bahuon mein farak pata chalna chaiye’ – meaning, ‘One should be able to make out which one is a daughter and which one is a daughter in law’ – in simpler words, a daughter at her parents’ home can walk fast, run, look confident, ask for something to eat, hum a little, sit and read all day, wear comparatively more ‘modern’ clothes. A daughter in law wears sarees or salwar kurta and covers her head (where ever applicable), talks softly, can’t sing or hum, can eat only when everybody else has, can never sit when someone else is working, must wake up first and sleep last, must love self-sacrifice, has no her-own-time.
    Double standards is an understatement Ashwathty. My mom says a family’s truth is revealed in how happy and confident their daughters in law look. If their family can visit them anytime and if they can go out with friends whenever they like… then it isn’t so bad.

    Like

  11. Ashwathy,

    Simple moral from all these stories is that women should refuse to marry a guy who insists on living with his parents post-marriage.

    Me – Nish I would say this applies to all adults, … married girls also should not demand that the husband lives with their parents. Living in one’s own home sorts out a lot of problems.

    Like

  12. I am sorry, I am still stuck on the phrase “Pity the poor husband”.

    Men in our society are the most privileged class walking around. Adding the adjective like poor or verb like pity to their existence is laughable. They can make rules, they can break rules, they can do whatever they want to and never get blamed for it. They are always right, and they always have a right to do whatever they are doing. We will blame the victim/woman, no matter what. As I have heard so often growing up: “What can you do, they are boys and they will behave the way they want to. You can’t control them, hence you should control the way you behave, dress or plan your life.” We give them free pass.

    How do you associate an adjective like poor or verb like pity with a class like that and get away with it? If they are poor and we should pity them, then what about the underprivileged class namely women?

    Coming to current discussion: isn’t it understandable that as a new member enters the family, the whole dynamics of the family is disturbed and hence there are problems? Everyone has to make changes to include this new member and it’s hard for the rest of the family to do so (trust me, I know. I had trouble making those changes when my brother married. No one mentioned those changes to me before the wedding and it came as a unpleasant surprise. I know I should have been wiser but, oh well, I wasn’t). And isn’t it the responsibility of the groom to make these changes as smooth as possible? After all, it’s his family either way. He understand his family dynamics best and he is the closest to this newest family member. When he fails this responsibility, the problems arises. It’s not “poor husband” but the “irresponsible husband”. He is caught in-between because he evaded his responsibility and have to suffer the consequences. I don’t get why should we pity him then?

    Like

  13. Shall I tell you an incident ?

    There was this girl who married her college friend … Due to work etc, the guy, girl and the guys’ parents all stayed in different towns … though the same country

    The girl decided to go visit her parents once … the guy insisted she stay with his relatives as well … she did .. only to have his relatives call up his mother and complain about the girl’s behaviour. the guy wanted the girl to appologise to his mother. she refused …. she was ready to explain to her MIL, but fully refused to apologise for no fault of hers. The relatives asked the mother to ask her son to file for a divorce. The complaint .. ? that she didn’t talk to the relatives .. and the reason why she didnt ? She was suffering from asthma at that time …. !

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmm …………

    Like

    • Hmmm Scorpria ,

      Am not really sure if nuclear families are the solution … at times, its better off being in a joint family .. if not a joint family, atleast where the elders and relatives are near at hand

      Like

      • Me – Deepa Joint Families the way we have today, seem to be biased in favour of those who have sons, and the system tends to make families prefer boy children over girl-children. Our bias against girl children is a result of the system of ‘girl goes to live with her husband and takes care of his family, boy is a budhape ka sahara (support in old age).

        Also the fear for the girl’s happiness or even safety in her marital home makes the parents succumb to false hopes that dowry might keep her safe. A vicious cycle.

        Moralising doesn’t help – only way we are going to value our daughters is if they are able to (and legally they are) ‘pay back’ for their upbringing the way we believe boy babies do by being in a position to provide support in old age. In our present Joint Family system, since even the girl is not free to eat before the family does, she can’t spend even her own money freely either, so it is difficult for her to provide any support to her parents (even if she is earning) if she lives in a Joint Family. In most parts of North India, a girl’s parents can’t drink even a glass of water in her husband’s home.
        Joint Families make it difficult for her to stay connected to her biological family while her spouse is deprived of a chance to really ‘grow up’ and take independent decisions. There is also a lack of privacy and lesser opportunity to truly get to know the spouse.

        Do take a look at this post, https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2009/11/01/what-would-you-not-change-for-love/

        Like

        • yup … i loved the post .. in fact, sent it out to most guys and girls i know.

          but you know, there are still limitations. after marriage, usually the girl goes where ever the guy is … so even wanting to be with her parents and help them, she is unable to be with them in person.

          it is something i am trying to come to terms with, but not able to digest it

          Me- Deepa just knowing that one is not wrong in wanting to support one’s parents, whether or not one is earning – takes the biggest hurdle – of unnecessary guilt- away. And we are seeing changes in this way of thinking…
          And one should realise that it is not the right of either of the spouse to expect the other spouse to care for their parents. Both can provide support but the responsibility belongs to the child, not the son-in law or daughter-in-law.
          Unfortunately a daughter in law is taken for granted – first she is not ‘allowed’ to work, and then she is expected to pay for her upkeep with dowry, and with having a smaller role to play in decision making and taking care of the spouse’s family, …and she still remains dependent.

          Like

  14. What I don’t get is..Don’t the guys like a peaceful life? Don’t they like coming home to a happy smiling family rather than the constant bickering females? And if they do want to have some quite, happy times, why can’t they get a backbone to stand for what is right?

    And here I am saying right. Not stand with their wives or mothers. Because I have seen enough cases of bad, unreasonable DILs

    Me- Comfortablynam, ever wonder why their are no bad, unreasonable fathers-in-law and sons-in-law? Because socially it is understood that they respect each other and give each other space. The concept of forcing two or more adults to live inside the house and one of them – not necessarily the wiser one – is actually expected to have authority over the other one. The other one – who maybe smarter than her spouse, is forced to treat the spouse and all his family like wiser and is expected to prove that she truly belives in their better judgement on every issue from what she eats, likes, what she buys, wears, cooks, reads, listens to…

    along with horrifying MILs. The guys for most part like to pretend there is no problem and by the time they open their eyes the water is way over the head.

    And in the middle of all this the kids/grandkids get pulled in all different directions. With everyone trying to get them on their side.

    Such a mess made by adults 😦

    Me – Comfortablynam, its mess made by a social system, When some adults are made to live with each other without a life outside, and when atleast one (often more) adult is insecure and has no life outside the house, there is not much anybody can do.
    The man or women need to do nothing, he must stop expecting their spouses to ‘win over’ their dads or moms. I think all adults should understand that they must take their own decisions, and they should also understand that other adults have the right to do the same.

    Like

  15. Elder brother seems a fool of first order and younger brother cunning-scheming-two-faced idiot!

    Bhabhi poor thing , being tortured by everyone .

    Which is why i think i’ll never marry a man except one of my own choice and that too only after understanding him and his views/ideas.

    Cant even imagine the horror of being stuck in a bhabhi-like situation!

    Like

  16. “Because no bahu would need to worry about what the saas thinks she should wear, eat, cook, drink etc … if there wasn’t a man who quietly conveys that he would not like it if she did not.”

    Beautifully said 🙂

    Like

  17. The bhabhi’s situation in your post seems to be quite common- infuriates me to no end. My youngest BIL did the same thing after expecting me to be a overly traditional DIL/Bhabhi who was supposed to look after the whole family the moment I stepped into that house.

    Me – I have seen the same thing in many families 2Bsmom. It’s common. Most of these situations are quite common. I think the younger ones benefit from the first one’s experiences… I also feel the child who is pampered and loved at home, manages to keep his spouse safe from harassment. The one who gets bullied and allows his wife to get bullied is the one who feels he must obey and please his elders… can’t generalize, but this is often the case 😦

    I agree, the husband can make the biggest difference the moment he chooses to be visible in the interest of his whole family. When my husband did that, unfortunately that family broke ties with him within a matter of few years. We have made our peace with it but I sometimes feel really sad for D. Anyway, when my younger sister faced a lot of bullying from her MIL in early days of her marriage, obviously there were a lot of unpleasantness in the household cos both of them were going and complaining to him about each other. Her husband is the only son so he got both his mum and his wife ( my sister ) together one day and basically told them to sort it out between themselves by saying very clearly to his mum that he is not going to stop his wife if she yells back at her, she can do anything she wants as this is her home too now. Then, he told my sister that he is the only son so his mother is not going anywhere. Both of them are important to him, he won’t interfere since they both are adults and he doesn’t want anyone of them to go out and badmouth each other. Sort it out. You know what…they did ! They are such a close team now that it warms my heart when I meet them.

    Like

    • @2Bsmommy, Your sister’s husband seems such a sensible guy. That is the least one would expect any man to do in such a situation. In most cases the DiL is not allowed a role at all. ‘Listen to my mother!’ is the one and only command that is put forward.

      Like

  18. Loving the clear perspective about relationships. Learning here about the invisible constraints involved in marriage institution…. Crystal clear views, keep it up 🙂

    Like

  19. I loved this one. I am married to the younger son of the family and he did take a huge step in marrying a girl of his choice and that too from a completely different background and community BUT then he collapsed under the tremendous pressure and to make him recover I fell in the ditch too . I am still trying to get him out of the mess after 19 years of marriage and it looks like quick sand situation. Lately since I decided to give up pulling him out and started trying methods to bring myself out of it he seems to have realized the kahavat doobate ko tinke ka sahara and wants to change the scenario. picture abhi baki hai dost.

    On a serious note the sandwich generation needs to do something

    Like

  20. What is the idea of a marriage ??? Certainly not to bring in a puppet home for the mil. While the man and woman involved in this relationship should take time out to understand each other and how best they can live their life together, it certainly is not happening in all families. The mother has already brought up her son in such a way, with brain-washed methodologies, that he stays as the first puppet for her. You see, the freedom which the mil didnt have made her so frustrated that she made her son the whole world for her, cajoled him, made him a pussy cat instead of a person with strong moral and mental values.

    Now, what can you expect from that brain-washed son of hers ??? Its the son who should stand upto his wife and for the first time in his life, against his mother.

    You see, I am a late sleeper. Weekdays, I am forced to get up early, to get the girls ready for school. Weekends, I love to laze on the bed. But mil is the type, who doesnt get sleep at all, as is the problem with old age. Once she pointed it out, during bfast, that I had gotten up late. Thank God, immediately my husband told in stern tones that sleeping habits are specific to every individual and not everyone can be like my mil. And he also wasted no time in pointing it out that still bfast was ready on time.

    I am so happy for that support that day and till today for various issues. It is not the fact that he is doing cham cha for his wife, but he made it clear that such personal invasion of privacy will not be allowed. He also pointed out that he sleeps late everyday and his mother has not told anything abt it, till today. I am glad for that support. That keeps me going.

    Like

  21. I’ve been reading your posts but been unable to comment, since I was on holiday. But they’ve been very painful to read because it really hits home for me. That was my life for the first few years of my marriage and I escaped with my husband, but after paying a terrible price. And around me, there are so many women still trapped. I don’t feel, tho’, that this is something exclusive to arranged marriages. I can see my (page 3) friends who’ve chosen their own spouses, and appear to have perfect marriages also chafe at how the son acts like a mamma’s boy and can’t stand up against his mother’s foolishness. I want to shake such guys until they get some sense into them.

    Me – Love how you say it so clearly – the saddest thing is starsinmyeyes, is a lot of women feel guilty if they feel like escaping, the conditioning is so strong, they find it difficult to see that they are not wrong in resenting the controls… 😦 I agree with you about the situation is the same in any relationship where the son has not been brought up to take adult responsibilities. 😦 I have seen this make even the most easy going/couldn’t care less kind of women go through hell… 😦

    Like

  22. Pingback: Tweets that mention The invisible family member in the saas-bahu post. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker -- Topsy.com

  23. Pingback: Feminism has gone to women’s head. Divorce has become like selling onions. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  24. Pingback: An email from an anonymous Confused Wife. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  25. Pingback: Kyonkee Husbands bhi kabhi Sons the. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

    • “Do not talk about her good or bad qualities constantly with others just like you do not talk about other members of your family.”

      Like

  26. Pingback: An email: “…before the child has actually arrived she has already given me a lecture about paternal grandparents’ rights over the child.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  27. Honestly it is the man and only the man who is responsible for this situation. If he stands up for what is right, such a situation would never arise. The first time he notices unfairness, he should point it out.

    Each one should have a life of their own. Once married, a new family starts. One should learn to respect this family as a new unit and not encroach on their territory and start calling the shots.

    It is the mother who forces marriage upon the son, and it is the same mother who does everything to separate them.

    A man without a spine has no right to get married. If all he and his mom want is a slave, then they should go for a maid. Oops…I forgot, a maid costs a packet but a wife comes free…on the contrary she comes with a dowry as well. Jalsa hi jalsa for the mother-son duo!!

    Like

    • I agree, men (or women) should not get married until they are ready to get married.
      Most men who say they are neutral when wife is being abused, would find it difficult to stay neutral if the wife decides to sort out the issues herself.

      Like

  28. Pingback: An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  29. Pingback: An email: This is the life Mr Shravan Kumar and Mr Scareddy Cat offer to their life partners. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  30. Pingback: You’re going to be with your in-laws for only a few days in a year so why can’t you live the way they want and keep every one happy? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  31. Pingback: “How can you eat without taking a shower? With boys, it’s a different matter.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  32. Pingback: An email: “We dont want our sons to suffer because there will saas bahu drama in the house do we?” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  33. Pingback: ‘Unbelievable? Believe it. This isn’t your usual Ekta Kapoor serial.’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  34. Pingback: “About household financial status… his parents have done all that they can, and now have passed the baton to their three sons.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  35. Pingback: Simple methods, recommended to anybody else, coping with any other kind of abuse, are forbidden to Indian daughters in law. Forbidden by whom? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  36. Pingback: Not touching feet after a year of marriage is disrespect to MIL? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  37. Pingback: An email from the Accused Guy: ‘I would request all to respond once again after reading the other side of it.’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s