If someone dislocated your jaw…

If someone dislocated your jaw in one of the many violent beatings they gave you, how would you like to try to live with them and win their love?

23 year old Neha committed suicide on January 1st. Her family alleged that her in laws “used to beat her up...” [Link] “Once she was beaten so badly by Dalal  (her husband)  that her jaw got dislocated and she also lost her job as air hostess,” Atul Ahlawat, Neha’s cousin, alleged.” After losing her job as an Air Hostess, she found a job on the Cruise liner where her husband was working. [Details in the video below.] Allegedly he continued to beat her here and one day she just couldn’t bear it any more and killed herself.

I am trying to understand what kind of compulsions could make any parents let their child go back to a spouse who allegedly dislocated her jaw. What did they say to her when they asked her to go back? Would they have said the same thing if the child being beaten was a male child?

Why was it so difficult to let this financially self reliant adult walk out of what they allege was an abusive and violent marriage? I have blogged about this in ‘When a daughter refuses to go back’. I can never understand why we don’t trust our daughters when they say they are unhappy… why would we rather they died than walked out?

Here’s the translation of what the mother has to say. I know other Indian mothers who would have said exactly the same thing. My response in red.

“My daughter tried her best. (At best the beatings would become less frequent. The fear and mental abuse will stay. At best physical pain, indignity, embarrassment, humiliation and the lies to cover the bruises will become a part of her life.)

She did not want us to face any kind of unhappiness. (What about her unhappiness? Could she say the same thing for her parents?)

Neha was being tortured mentally. Physically too. (Why didn’t she have the confidence to walk out and save her life? Did she have no faith in her parents’ love and support?)

She told me this many times but I kept explaining to her that it will all be alright after a while. (It never gets ‘alright’, the threat of violence is always there and there is always a risk of injury and death)

The last time when she gave me the phone to speak to Ankit (the son in law) Ankit did not speak to me. And I heard Neha’s pained cry… like someone had hit her or something… then the phone was disconnected.” (This is a violent crime happening, and just because the criminal is a son in law does not make it okay. The parents should rush to the daughter’s side and if she has been brought up with any self worth and if she  trusts them, she will come back with them.)

I also feel violent men sense that the wife’s family would consider an odd dislocated jaw or broken bone their right as husbands. Nothing can be more encouraging for any criminal.

Dowry and Domestic Violence (DV) might lead to death by beatings or by suicide. Counselling and campaigns should be aimed at not just the victims but also the victim’s parents who see Domestic Violence as a domestic matter not a serious crime.

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85 thoughts on “If someone dislocated your jaw…

  1. I wish I could comprehend how a person can commit suicide when they can have an independent life. Is it really so difficult to face parental (and societal) censure that they would rather die?

    I suppose that’s the case, but it’s so hard for me to believe.

    Me – Bhagwad victims of Domestic Violence tend to become like this. The mind and body both get battered and weakened. Most victims feel everything will be fine if they just changed some things about themselves (become neater, faster, more organised, better cooks, get cash from home etc.) There is also the Stockholm Syndrome. If a rare victim does find the strength to walk out they often find themselves being treated so horribly by the ones they trusts.
    Girls are even blamed for the beatings because the parents often believe that the husband who is beating her has probably got some reason to do so. I know of one case where the husband said he lost his temper because the wife didn’t take good care of the child, didn’t cook the way he liked, kept the fridge unclean, and everybody in the family (both sides) asked the girl to ‘improve’ these faults.

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    • It’s conditioning.

      A lot of women think that they should put up with their husbands no matter what and that their dignity lies in living with their husbands. Otherwise, the only option left is suicide.

      Me – Yes Freya… same old Doli and Arthi rule 😦

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    • IHM: Its also known as naturalisation of victimisation and learned helplessness. Its a coping strategy that people facing extreme stress and abuse use. It goes beyond social conditioning.

      Me – Thanks Deepa. This is why one invariably hears victims (and their family) saying things like, “If this happens things would be better…” Or even “He regrets it, he doesn’t lose his temper that often now…” 😦 I wish we could create more awareness about this. I feel the parents are also victims… because they appear so ignorant and helpless…

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    • Bhagwad….there’s independence and then there’s hopelessness. It’s the hopelessness that leads one to commit suicide. Imagine the plight of this young woman abused at home and not having any support whatsoever….I’m willing to bet she could see no future and of course, given that she was not getting any therapy, it is not surprising that things looked bleak for her. If she didn’t see any hope, her only option was death.

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      • “Imagine the plight of this young woman abused at home and not having any support whatsoever”

        Dear Psych Babbler,
        Bhagwad’s point (and mine too) is that why do such educated and financially independent women always look for “support” outside? Am I not or should I not be the biggest and strongest support for myself???
        You keep “begging” for “support” and you are never going to get it So basically all your “feminism” is useless until you yourself can not stand up for you.

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        • It is easier said then done Namrata.
          We are human beings who long for companionship…who give and take support.

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  2. I know a couple of women who stay on. Their parents supposedly support them through the (so-far mental and emotional) abuse, not seeing the danger their daughter is in. And the children see the violence too…and violence can be verbal and just as abusive. I think once the spirit is broken, a woman is as good as dead, her parents don’t need to wait till she’s physically dead.

    Me – Anybody who wonders why she didn’t walk out without her parents support should read this, “once the spirit is broken, a woman is as good as dead” – she needs counseling and support, instead she gets advise without any positive action … like ‘Dheere dheere sab theek ho jayega’!!!

    I know one woman who left before the indifference and mocking and demands for money turned into worse. Her family supported her, she is a successful single woman who has adopted a daughter and has a happy fulfilled life. Better, don’t you think?

    Me – Absolutely starsinmyeyes! We should blog about such happy stories for other women in similar stories to read and find inspiration from.

    Appearances are more important it seems than a woman’s happiness, safety or life.

    Me – Indian parents always choose appearances over their girl-children 😦 If they had been the kind of parents who stand up for their daughters, the man would not have dared beaten her in the first place.

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    • Dear IHM,

      I strongly disagree with your “once the spirit is broken, a woman is as good as dead” argument. Why did such well-educated and mature girl allow her spirit to be broken??? I mean it takes at least some time before ones (specially an independent lady like her) spirit gets broken, so why did not she move out of such relation before that? What was she waiting for? Support????
      And if you consider this “broken spirit” argument valid then wouldn’t the same argument be valid in case of “ladki ke parents or bechare ladki wale” whose spirit (to do what is RIGHT) has been broken since ages by “societal pressure” and who do not find any “support” from society if they choose divorce for their daughter?

      Dear IHM, my point is that until or unless we do not take our own responsibility all this “feminism” is nothing more than a coffee table talk or a fashionable subject for blogging!!!

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  3. I was also going to write about this. I will come back and reply. Am in a hurry now.
    But I just had to stop and agree:
    “I am trying to understand what kind of compulsions could make any parents let their child go back to a spouse who allegedly dislocated her jaw.”
    I am trying too.
    Be back later.

    Me – Still write about it Shail… the more voices there are the better, and I love how you write about these issues.

    I felt no sympathy for these parents, only anger.
    What you wrote in your post about how the world would lecture the daughter or the daughter in law but nobody points out that the parents (or elders) can and are so often wrong. Common sense has less to do with age (or education) more to with attitude. Parents with a mindset like this couple cannot be any support to their children 😦

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    • Hello, I am back. The news item made me so angry against the parents. Like you, I have no sympathy for them either. I am trying to understand, like you said, what kind of compulsions (rather excuses) the parents are falling back on for asking their daughter to adjust with some one resorts to physical violence??!!! How about bringing the daughter back home and helping her start a life again?? Why do parents choose their standing in society, their so called ‘izzat’ over their daughters??!!! They prefer a ‘dead’ daughter to one who would return from her husband’ house??!! It’s a mystery to me.
      And then people sing paeans to parents, that they love their children!!! This is ‘love’ for your child?? This is simply ‘disposal’ of your daughter. Give huge amounts in dowry, have a lavish wedding and the responsibility of the parents to daughter seems to be over! If/When she faces trouble in her new house, she is asked by her own mother, no less ‘dheere dheere sab kuch theek ho jaayega’!!! Wah! This only shows how ‘normal’ people take physical abuse in marriage to be. It’s like: it is okay to get hit a few times and have a few bones broken and then the pati dev will realise what a true epitome of womanhood you are and give you the opportunity to serve him for the rest of your life later on in the future without hitting you. Bah!
      Marriage is between adults. If they don’t agree on things they can mutually separate. The husband (or wife for that matter) has absolutely NO right to use physical violence, even verbal for that matter. Even if the wife answers back or whatever, that is NO excuse for the husband to hit her, even slap her (which let me tell you most men think is okay). The husband should legally divorce her if he doesn’t want the relationship to continue. If he feels the urge to hit, he should go try hitting a concrete wall or pick on someone his own size, the coward.
      And any parent who knows what the daughter is going through and still asks her to ‘adjust’ and that ‘things will get better by and by’ are knowingly sending their daughter to her death. Period.
      What’s the use of crying later on??
      I simply cannot understand what people think is ‘marriage’?? Is it living with a man however or whatever the conditions are, at whatever cost????

      Me – Also Shail what is the meaning of a wife ‘answering back’? Why can’t a wife argue with her husband or disagree with him? Isn’t that how civil discussions happen? I have also heard a phrase (some violent political parties use it too) – “to talk to them in the language they understand” – some people seem to think if someone doesn’t understand when we explain in words, the physically stronger of the two can explain/shut-up the other one by using violence.

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      • Absolutely. She has all the right to answer back and disagree with her husband. They are adults married to each other and equal in every way. When a man uses ‘answering back’ as a reason for hitting his wife it is the same psychology of rape, ‘she asked for it’ and ‘she invited it’ or ‘she deserves it’! WTH!!!

        Me – Shail I saw on a TV show this boy who did not want to marry a very ‘intelligent girl’ because he feared she would try to put him down 😦 Kiron Kher was the Anchor, and she asked him if he would like to marry a pretty, mentally challenged girl. (He didn’t) Such confused souls want no partners, they don’t even know they what they want 😦

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  4. Very sad to hear. To end life at a young age because of helplessness. This is again a reminder for all the family to not shrug off complaints about abuse, hoping things will get better. It never does without any remedial actions.

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  5. It seems education, per se, is totally useless. On a personal level, you remain what you have been brought up to think. And so Neha had to keep going back to a life of hell. Because her returning to the maika would be a blot on the family. I would say her parents had no guts, and her in laws had no shame. If she took anti depressants, and is supposed to have slashed her wrists earlier according to reports, what did the father-in-law, a surgeon and doctor do about it ? As a qualified man in the field, should he not have had her counseled, and the problems resolved ? Or is this a fact to be brought out only to save the family name ?

    Me – It’s very difficult to know what exactly is the truth in such cases … but this much is clear that she was beaten and sent back to adjust …to what? To being beaten? 😦

    I just wonder about one thing. Did she actually jump ? Or was this an elaborate set up to get rid of her ? Notice how the jurisdiction at sea , depends on another country and its laws. And finally, no arrests have been made, FIR’s are being registered with “much” persuasion; how many years will it be before those who took Neha’s life are punished ? Shades of the Ruchika case treatment by the police…

    Me – I think everybody is having the same thoughts…

    Will we never learn ? Must we redefine “respectable?” ? (I have known illiterate parents who brought back their illtreate daughter (with children) from her sasural. And I had immense respect for them …)

    Me – I read about this family on your blog Suranga …. hats off to them! They could teach a lesson to some well off and educated parents. Respectable does need a redefining!

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  6. Shocking and unbelievable… if this happens in families that are educated… have doctors…

    geez… I simply have no words !

    Me – Dhiren education can do nothing if the attitude is wrong 😦 Take a look at Suranga’s comment!

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  7. There is no way to understand the banal, no logic which justifies why parents would allow ther daughter to be tortured thus. And if you can’t stand up for your own child, who can you stand up for?!

    Me – Such people can only stand up for their standing in the society 😦

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  8. So glad you did this post, although it must have been repetitive for you, as you have written on this topic before! 🙂 I’m sure the more we speak abt it the more it will help us bring abt some change, however little way possible!

    IHM, I too wondered abt this reluctance on the part of parents to stand by and take back their daughter in such a situation.

    Some questions came to my mind as I tried to understand what is stopping them. I come from a matriarchal system and do not understand some basic things abt the normal family set ups that are common for the rest of us! It is only after my parents and father in law passed awy that MIL lives with us now.

    So I thought from the patriarchal pt of view.So are they thinking of the home and property being primarily their son’s? And that once he marries, the daughter would perhaps need to move elsewhere. Is that it?

    But, then again parents that can give in to the crazy demands of dowry hungry nutters, can certainly keep aside money and divide the property fairly, for their daughter’s safety and security…help her set up her life, get a job, and move on!

    Why does this not happen? how can this be excusable?

    Iwould think it very important to do whatever is financially possible, according one’s financial ability, for both male and female kids. I think it would be wise if the coming generations took such cases as a warning!

    And so sorry for the long comment!

    Me – Indy hearing the mother say the girl did not want to cause them sorrow made me mad. And the dislocated jaw! They knew everything and still sent her back 😦 They didn’t want any inconvenience it seems…
    If parents can do this then who needs enemies?

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  9. I am speechless and so angry at the mother. How can she say – hum toh usko samjhate k sab theek ho jayega ! WTF ? someone is beating up your daughter and you tell her that dheerey dheerey sab theek ho jayega ???? How could she then come back to them ?? I really wish that if she couldn’t go back to her parents, she should have lived independently than killing herself. So sad…

    Me – I felt exactly the same way. They wanted her to know she couldn’t come back and bring them shame 😦 What kind of love is this?!

    But, some people would rather die I guess 😦

    And then, there are some women, who are educated, financially independent, have an extremely supportive family who had told them not take any kind of abuse from anyone, but, she would still go back to the abusive relationship…I don’t understand that either.

    Me – Most victims of DV feel this way and a few who do wish to get out of the dangerous and criminal situation, have such supportive parents that they are not able to protect themselves… 😦

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    • well, i feel that neha went back and did not fight it coz she was just 23…she got married very young at 21 and then with no support from parents, she had no choice. she was quite young to be married off in the first place. I seriously feel that it is the attitute n hollow values of the parent who killed this sweet child. Any normal person will be helpless if they are constantly torchered for more than 1 year, its a long mental and physical abuse without anyone trying to help her. she simply had no support. Also, being in a far off country with no family and friends, she had no one to talk her feelings. The parents had already shut their ears and the husband who was the only person she knew would beat her. THE PARENTS SHOULD BE HELD RESPONSIBLE and legal action should be taken against not only the in laws and husband but also the parents. so that we set example for future.

      Me – I agree Aanchal. The parents knew and still pushed her to go back and be beaten, they were irresponsible and should be questioned. They did not kill her as a foetus, but they did let her die to protect their public image. 21 is so young… and the fact they got her married so young, and then refuse to support her shows why she felt helpless 😦 But I wish she had left this man who didn’t deserve a wife like her and got on with her job as a Air Hostess, and shown him and her parents that she didn’t care for their selfish kind of love. She would have found supportive friends if she had just taken that first step…

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  10. I truly believe that its a vicious cycle. Woman gets hurt, she weeps, she gets sympathy, feels better and after a bit gets beaten again. Soon the man is hooked on to sadistic pleasure and the woman to sympathy. Breaking this pattern is hard, but it has to be broken.

    Me – But Ritu she probably only confided in her parents- and they must have hidden such a shame from the world… so she might have got some ‘please adjust’ lectures too… 😦

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  11. Like you, I can’t understand the compulsions…All I can understand is that Neha got beaten up more because her husband knew that she did not have support from her parents…

    Me – Absolutely Sraboney. They are all from Gurgaon, Haryana. You know why the gender ratio is so skewed there 😦

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  12. I don’t get it either. If the parents knew that she was being beaten why did they not go over to her and bring her back home. She had a job and was capable of having an independent life, without being a “burden” on her parents (isn’t that what worries the average girl’s parents). How is it a shame for the girls parents and why do they feel compelled to cover up? Their daughter is not the violent one. I am realized that I am actually fuming now. So gonna stop typing now.

    Me – This made me fume too. They could have saved her. We are feeling bad reading about it, didn’t they have any compassion for their own child? How could they keep sending her back?

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  13. What a sad story. IMO, parents who refuse to allow the girl to leave the marriage are as much to be blamed. However, I also wonder why an educated, financially independent girl did not have the guts to leave and maybe check herself into a hostel. Perhaps the lack of support structure and the feeling of dependence drilled into girls throughout their growing years prevents such moves.

    Apu DV can break a person from inside, and she had lost a good job, the parents she trusted advised her to go back and probably worried she would bring them dishonour if she walked out…
    I wish we had massive campaigns that guide women to feel no shame in walking out of such hells.

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  14. Truly shocking! :O
    I believe, educated and working women stay is such abusive relationships because of the
    # social stigma (“She has left her husband…”)
    # cultural norms (“A woman’s house is her marital house….”)
    # and family values (The impact of her leaving her martial house on her siblings…)
    What values/norms these are, that needs to be questioned though!!
    And also Ritu’s point of this vicious cycle of abuse and sympathy holds true too! 😦

    Me – I feel if her parents just used common sense instead of values and norms they would have had a living and independent daughter – without a dislocated jaw. I am so lost and so finding it impossible to understand such motherly devotion…

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    • i strongly believe that in all this neha will not get justice. the powerful inlaw and husband has already used their strength by hitting the girl and now that she is no more, they have realised that they are extremely powerful and neha could not run off or escape but give up her life. I think that neha will not get justice just coz these ppl are powerful and misuse law.
      well, i am in us and i m well aware if nehas parents try to get this case resolved in US, the so called Mr powerful husband will be behind bars and will have to pay the price for killing his wife.
      i think the parents are least interested in it and are scared just like they wanted their daughter to be. wat a pity!!

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  15. Someone extremely close to me in my family is mentally forced to go back to her in-laws (I won’t use ‘husband’ as he is rather busy in an extra-marital affair) after she spent a few months at her home (? or should I say her parents’ home?).

    The societal pressure is too much. It’s sad to see that. And the way girls are grown up and brain-washed, they themselves start thinking that, ‘I should rather suffer and/or die in my husband’s home than ‘making my parents feel ashamed’ by ‘staying with them even after marriage’.

    When will all these change? 😐 😦

    Me – I totally agree. Girls are taught to live with the husbands – happy or unhappy – or even dead 😦 How can parents be so selfish? I wish we had campaigns and counselling easily available to victims of all such abuse – what kind of marriage was she being advised to save? We all see such things happening all around us 😦 Somehow parents just don’t think they should stand by their female children when they need them… What kind of parenting is this? And we Indians love to talk of a mother’s love and sacrifice!

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  16. I find it appalling that parents seem so immune to their own child’s pain. How can any parent ask their child to ‘adjust’ and hope that things will become ‘alright’. Even more so, when there is so much evidence that things were so very wrong. So wrong that the poor woman had to take her own life. I doubt that she should have taken this decision if she had got support from her parents.

    ‘Why was it so difficult to let this financially self reliant adult walk out of what they allege was an abusive and violent marriage?’ I think for some people the ‘standing in society’, so called ‘izzat’, etc is more important than the fact that their daughter is unhappy and distressed.

    ‘I also feel violent men sense that the wife’s family would consider an odd dislocated jaw or broken bone their right as husbands. Nothing can be more encouraging for any criminal.’ – Absolutely!

    If only they had accepted that their son-in-law was a criminal before their daughter killed her self – they might have still had their daughter with them.

    Me – I agree. To a lot of Indian parents, their standing in society and their peer group are more important than their child’s life … I am not able to see any motherly feelings in this kind of love. Even birds and animals protect their children.

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  17. pathetic… Especially now when you have such good laws for protection of women from domestic abuse. She could’ve put him in jail for that beating so easily. All it needed was an FIR.

    Me – Rakesh victims of DV are known to believe that everything will work out fine eventually, the violence destroys self worth and self confidence, it is easy to start thinking they are somehow responsible for their own misery – on top of that such supportive, loving, responsible, strong parents 😦

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  18. DV will continue world wide as long as women think insecured and inferior about themselves. She had a job, and she had a background. If only she had the guts to come out of that barbarians home when he raised his hand the first time. and dont even let me open my mouth on those b%^#%#!s ; they have no right to live and such folks should be harassed in public ! but our judiciary is also sick and even this would pass taking into account of all the other DV cases that has happened in our country !

    Me – And Vimmuuu she died in another country, so it will be difficult to prove anything?! I have no doubt that there will be enough parents ready to get their daughters married to this free man now with twice as much dowry…

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    • well, if the parents are keen they get the son in law behind bar, we cannot keep saying that it happened in a different country. that country is more legal as compared to all the corruptions we have here. I am sure if the parents try to file a case there, legal action will be taken as the email neha sent to her bro just before killing herself is enough evidence. also, the documentation from the doctor for disclocated jaw is good evidence. there may be many more evidences which will crop up if the parents try to get justice to their daughter. i think their attitute has not changed even after losing their daughter.they still believe in – kya kar saktein hain hum, jo ho gaya woh ho gaya…such ppl always are the ones who are targeted.

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  19. Education is not helping even now. The parents still think that a single woman is taboo. That is the reason the daughters never get the guts to just throw the husband and come back home, even when they have good jobs. Social taboo is still there.

    As Suranga said here, this is going to be another Ruchika case – the culprit will live happily ever after. This incident will die down with time and he will remarry and give birth to daughters…the chain will never stop with his daughters too, he should remember.

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  20. One of my friends is going through a separation thanks to an abusive husband and everything is being kept under tight wraps because my dad says her parents are ashamed that all this is happening to their daughter. I asked my dad ‘shouldn’t the guy’s parents be ashamed instead for having brought up an abusive and thankless man as their son?’ When will we stop making women responsible for maryada/respect of family and shame? As long as women are responsible for all these societal norms women like Neha will die. Death is better than societal pressure I guess.

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  21. Bad sign #1: shadi me paisa pani ki tarah bahaya tha….15 lakh nakad…there is your sign IHM……if you have to pay cash as part of wedding ‘gifts’, theres your sign that something is wrong. WTF is this dowry….are they selling their son?
    And what does the mom mean use samjhaya sab kuch theek ho jayega? Does she mean her daughter’s jaw will heal? Or does she mean the man will stop abusing his wife just like that? WTF is wrong with these people?

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  22. Sigh…. 😐

    This is so so sad!
    Why didn’t the girl walk away?
    She is independent financially… she is educated…
    WTF were here parents thinking and/or NOT DOING?!!! 😡

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  23. Why? Why? Why?
    Every time I hear about shockers like these, my sense of despair and frustration increases and I lose a bit more faith in the human race, and more so in our hallowed “Bharatiya” society.

    How can a man be so cruel to his wife? What kind of monsters do we have amongst us who derive pleasure at the tortured wails and frightened sobs of a helpless soul? And how can parents be so gutless, stupid, uncaring and insensitive to their child’s predicament and danger? I just cannot get it.

    Over the last few years there have been occasions where I have wished brutal vigilante style justice (especially given the track record of our greatly efficient, speedy, honest, caring and daring police and judiciary). This is one such scenario, where I wish the husband and the in-laws who tortured the young innocent woman to death to be flogged naked in public. It will be a tragedy of the highest order if that monster is allowed to marry again and his family is let off scot free.

    If I was the father of a girl and if her boyfriend or husband harassed/tortured her in any way, I would immediately grab hold of him and literally kick his ass real hard in front of everybody multiple times, not bothering about the consequences. If he was brutal enough to dislocate her jaw, I would dislocate that guy’s spinal cord so that he would never be able to walk again.

    I have already made my thoughts about dowry pretty clear in a previous comment. It’s high time dowry is eradicated. Otherwise we shall see more Nehas being sacrificed to the altar of Indian Social Traditions.

    Me – You know locutus83, if the parents had shown any common sense and refused to give the extra ten lakhs to change their attitudes – she would have been alive… I just hope he gets enough publicity never to be able get married again.

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  24. IHM – “And we Indians love to talk of a mother’s love and sacrifice!”

    We are the biggest hypocrites when it comes to this. These ‘Yahaan maa ko bhagwan ki tarah puja jaata hain’ and ‘Maa kitne sacrifice/balidaan deti hain’ are more often an utter crap and hypocrisy than a real respect or a willing sacrifice.

    Had the people have real respect/love for ‘motherhood’, those mothers who’ve become so by rape or those who’re unmarried mothers wouldn’t be treated as they are being treated in our society as we read in newspapers and magazines.

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  25. One of many stories. We think if the girl is independent, educated, lives abroad, she will be able to take stand on her own but that doesn’t happen.

    I am very angry with the parents though. This is a common pattern with all Indian parents. Why do they educate their daughters then when they themselves don’t respect her independence? Don’t all parents, deep down, desire their children happiness? When and why does the fear of society overtakes that love for their on flesh and blood? How can they hear the scream of their daughter on the phone and not do anything for her? What sort of society do we live in that makes parents forgo the welfare of their child? When will we let go of this herd mentality and start standing up for our child’s happiness, our happiness?

    Me – She heard her child scream and didn’t react! I just get over her kind of ma-ki-mamta And the man knew there would be no support for her, or else he would have dared to hurt her in the first place.

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  26. Your posts are always thought provoking.. its really sad to read abt another innocent life lost. This could have been avoided easily had she got the support from her family. It doesn’t matter if she was financially independent.. she was emotionally dependent!
    In times of trouble, a girl always looks up to her parents. If they misguide her to return to an abusive relationship.. what were they thinking???!!
    Real sad state…

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  27. It is sad to say this, but these kinds of stories have become routine – especially in the lower middle class and lower income groups. However, what shocked me about Neha’s story was that she was an air-hostess – which leads me to believe that she would have been relatively independent in finances and in thought. What made her stick to such an abusive husband?

    And regarding parents – I think the sooner we take them out of the equation, the better. The khaandaani izzat bullshit mentality that their generation has in their impenetrable heads is impossible to break. They’d rather their daughter dies than return to her maayka. What message does that give? To potential abusers? To girls themselves?

    Me – Kiran the most difficult to understand is the parents’ reluctance to support. How do they live with the knowledge that somewhere their child is being beaten black and blue? Her younger brother is also seen in the video, this can’t be a very good example for either…

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  28. I think its too early to pass a judgment on the basis of what the media is reporting.

    The problem is that an Indian Society is still largely a regressive one. Sadly the education system has not been helpful in creating an awareness that “beating wife is not one of the rights of a husband” (Something both sides of the gender need to understand).

    Me – Survivor the couple believed that their daughter was physically abused, and they did not think they should have supported her 😦 Yes I agree with you, in fact not just the couple, even the parents need to understand that beating one’s spouse is not a right.

    Like

  29. Where will the gal go if her own parents are not ready to support her. So pissing off.

    My GF’s friend get sexually abused by her own brother and her parents are unable to help the situation ( rather, they probably don’t want to, who knows ).She is still in college or high school probably and hence can’t even leave her house. I feel so sad about the situation even though I have never met her.Her mom just wants her to ignore it and not complain about it to anyone. Grrr… She even met a counselor who suggested her to call Police – but she can’t do that . :(. where else will she go. My GF says that the girl has become very dull and talks only to her now.

    Apparently, the family honour is more important to chineese too . Disgusting .

    Me – China is a lot like us Chikki. 😦 Victims of abuse go through depression and stop mixing with people. They even feel they are responsible for what happened to them 😦 I hope this one finds the strength to survive and becomes independent and lives her life. I am most shocked by the parents in such cases – how could a mother not see what she must be going through? …even a Myna or a Crow or a Sparrow mother would fight for her babies.

    Like

  30. This is so sad! Why would her mother ask her to adjust after the son-in-law has dislocated her jaw. And I am appalled about the business of giving additional 10 lakhs! These are educated people…didnt they realise greed doesnt stop. I wish the girl hadnt committed suicide. Looks like she didnt have any support at all! Maybe she thought she didnt have anywhere else to go!

    Me – Abuse weakens a person homecooked 😦 I wish she had lived too… I also wish she had filed a case against him and walked out and made a happy life for herself, with him in jail. Just thinking of what she must have gone through – all the violence, pain, humiliation and maybe a sad and horrible realisation that parents didn’t really care … maybe she felt all alone. 😦

    Like

  31. The parents of the girl are to be blamed.
    The reason why they goad the girl to go back is because “what will people say”
    Most of the problems in our society is for the fear of “what will people say”
    We don’t do what we want to do, but we do as per the so called “society” (biradiri)
    says.
    What a shame……

    Me – And what kind of people are they so worried about, if this biradari can’t support them in helping their child are they worth worrying about?

    Like

  32. IHM,
    from this year i have decided to experiment with Twitter and started to use it.
    Our laws are not perfect and there are many loopholes, what is happening with Ruchika we know it still he is not behind the bar, and compensation is just below 25 dollars.
    this is the story of every Indian law.

    Like

  33. A sense of hopelessness engulfed me after reading this….if this is what is happening to the educated & working women I shudder to think abt what is happening to the ones who are not.

    Like

  34. You are absolutely right. This is an issue I feel very strongly about too. Women should learn to put their foot down. And not take crap from anyone!

    Like

  35. This is why i support female foeticide. Families that dont want daughters shouldnt have them.

    Honor killings dont just happen in Pakistan and Afghanistan. They happen to our souls twice a day.

    How many times have we heard this happening to someone we know, and said “Oh, how sad!” instead of picking up the keyboard and typing out the guy’s name like an advertisement for all to see? When his next employer is doing a google based ref check on him, he deserves to know he is employing a wife basher.

    Me – I agree! And I did put his name in the tags. Such a man should not have got married. And you are right, this was an honor killing. 😦

    Like

  36. I blame the parents big time! (I don’t condone the husband’s behaviour mind you!) But if the parents had been supportive, this young 23 year old would still be alive. The so-called norms of society are age-old and it’s high time people realised that there’s more to life than what society thinks. How could these parents do this to their own flesh and blood??? To a daughter they raised?? I just fail to understand that! Is a family’s name much more important than you own daughter’s well-being?? So many families in India are willing to sacrifice their daughters for the ‘good’ of the family! It’s disgusting…

    I hope the husband and the parents are charged with manslaughter/assisting in suicide (my legal knowledge isn’t too good here!!) Time and again, we see these things happening and not much being done about it…

    The Nehas remain forgotten by most after a point. And that’s what saddens me. 😦

    Me – I blame the parents too. They could have saved her life.
    The husband and his family should be tried for abetting suicide. There should be a law requiring the parents to report such violence.

    Like

  37. Everyone here is blaming the parents-I do to.
    But I still feel that the girl should have fought against the hopelessness of the situation and walked out-yes she was in a hopeless situation with her husband and parents of the same mentality-but I wish she believed in herself a little.

    Like

    • in us, is she called 911 for domestic abuse, the guy would be behind bars and she would have been sent back to india if she wished. she could have taught the guy a lesson and be safe. but sometimes, its the love for the parents that she are willing to scarifice ur life and like I said before she was way too young without any support from parents whom she loved the most

      wish that the guy’s sister gets married to a monster like him and the whole family relives the trauma that they gave someone else.

      Me – Aanchal I fail to understand how any young girl can beat another girl in her family! I agree Neha must have gone to the US in the hope that things will improve ‘get better’… girls should understand that men who are abusive and capable of breaking their spouse’s jaw do not improve with time, and their lives should not be wasted on them. I feel most angry with her parents for not caring enough for their daughter.
      On one hand we have parents who won’t miss a single PTA and then we have parents who neglect something as horrible and as serious as this!

      Aanchal I won’t wish trauma on the sister, I feel it would be right, just and fair if this man never gets married again and never finds any relationship either … such a family should be boycotted.

      Like

  38. It is important for parents to let their daughter know that the concept “ab sasural hi tumhara ghar hai” is wrong…. and that she will always have a place to come back to….which will always be truly hers.

    Like

  39. Very sad.
    While it is true that she must have felt let down by lack of parental support, I am shocked that an educated girl could not stand up for her own rights. Why was she desperate to be in the U.S.? She could have come back and found a job and lived on her own rather than enduring all the abuse and violence.
    In the final analysis, ma, pa, siblings can do nothing to help a person who doesnt have the slef worth to consider her own life precious or doesn’t value her self respect.
    As for your first question, I would not want the love of an animal who treats me like that.

    Like

    • i think that she wanted to be in US, coz here she was with the inlaws who were beating her brutally. she might be thinking that things may be better if she is with her husband when he is not influenced by his parents. since her mom focussed on “sab theek ho jayega” neha must also be thinking on the same terms.

      Like

  40. I read most of the comments and I just wish to make a single statement. there is a world of difference between “literate” aka degree’d people and “educated” ones. Please remember our degree markets have nothing to do with “education.” the educated people are the ones who strive to be such by constant self-benchmarking through the tools (books/interactions/experiences) available to them. and they are a society that transcend across caste, class, economy, career, etc.

    Me – Brilliantly put Soma! I agree.

    Like

    • Just came after a long long time.
      This was definitely a shocking , heartbreaking and immensely saddening news I’ve heard of recently. How I wish she had a family to fall back to..!!! If only the were a little more educated and Ofcourse more Humane just plane humane. I would never advice even a mere acquaintance to go back ,she was their own daughter!!!
      😦

      Like

  41. read both the posts and feels really sad. a well-placed woman, from a well-to-do family taking such abuse. seems out of a different age. and yet, it happens every second.

    Like

  42. I don’t think being well to do or have options in reality has much to do with whether a woman accepts abuse. It is a lack of confidence or self esteem (often starting from childhood) and which abusive men see and know they can use that make her accept it. And often a feeling that she deserved it. That she should have been more careful not to upset him, to have been better at foreseeing what mood he would be in, to have tried to stop him drinking, or to have left a moment sooner. Plus, it is something that you can become accustomed to. And may only realise after the fact that it just wasn’t natural to live in such a state of constant stress. Trust me on this.

    Me – I agree. And one reason for lack of self confidence is the way some families raise their daughters – making them feel they must please everybody and be grateful to all, starting with their parents and even brothers.

    Like

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  45. Hell, it is twenty first century for gods sake.
    But yes, we are stuck in the same old rut.

    Me- The sad part here is Mampi, this mother could have helped her, she knew what as going on…. 😐

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