So then why did this man get married?

The reason why I wondered about why we get married at all, was this mail from an anonymous Indian wife… please do take the time to read it, specially the second part. I really wonder why this marriage should be saved…?( if at all)

Mail 1

Divorce after 9yr marriage,need som advice Please advice me what are my options at this time….

I have been married for 9yrs but hardly stayed with him due to my career and job in diff. states. he is scared to hav kids since he has lot of responsibilities of his family members(who has no education and no jobs and we take care of them and their children) I have been compromising for every damn thing he does to his family and now we are here in debt and no good savings and he has been away frm me from past 4 yrs..I was married in india and got exported to US- in a month i got engaged, married and send to US.

i hardly know him or his family. but still i love him so trying hard to work out things. But he wants to end the marriage. i am 32yrs old and i am scared of my future with another man but i cannot take this stress.

he left me alone 3 times when i was sick and went home to his parents. there is no emotional attachments.

He controls me all the time. I was girl who thinks if u workhard nothing is impossible but after staying with him i hav break down so much i am so scared to live alone and i have also changed my career for him so that if i am close to him , things might change but i see no difference.  Being a south indian i have compromised so much in life and i was a Commercial pilot and flight instructor due to stress and to work out my marriage i have left my old loving job and now i am into Computers.

I tried so hard to make my relationship good But its not working and he just lives the way he wants never compromises and does not wanna change a bit. My whole family wants me to try and workout still with this guy. what am i supposed to do…

Thanks Indian girl

Mail 2

Hi,
Thank you so much for all the advice. I tired to put into your Blog but could not,so i emailed you. You can put this on the blog and i really would like to hear other peoples opnion also.
He was away from me almost 4 yrs and No sex at all and i was thinking he may be stressed out of work or something bothering him.

then he was also scared to have kids since if we brk up he loses his half pay check as child support and alimony.
he and his family wanted money. he wanted to make lot of money in his life. i told him we need to balance life. he told once that we hav a kid there would be lot of expenses and i got mad and said whta are we earning for.. and mostly even insurance covers for any health expenses.
he was avoiding from long time. he never communicates and hard to know whts going on his mind.
last yr he said we have everything and we shud have a kid and once he goes India to his place he is always a totally different person. this is 3rd time he goes as a loving husband and when comes back frm india he is totally a diff. person does not even touch me are get close to me for atleast a month or two and we never get chance to together to India. whenever he goes to India its a big stress for me..
I really appreciate your time and your advice
Thanks
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72 thoughts on “So then why did this man get married?

  1. It seems the reason was social pressure and the need to have another earning member…lots of families I know (I am a South Indian too) want an earning daughter in law so that the monetary flow is more…also from what I can see this guy seems to be from a traditional family where marriages are arrangements to be made between two individuals based on social standing and such (marriage is not for companionship here, but just something like a stage of life, like passing school, then going to college and so on)…also being from a traditional family he probably thought it his duty to get married because that is what his family would want…personally he might not have wanted marriage or maybe not with her…but because he felt himself duty bound he married only to discover that he cant drudge up any feelings for her (simply because to him marriage is another duty, not something to be enjoyed)…but deep down I guess however duty bound you are, you yearn for something where it has been your complete will…he probably didnt even realise earlier that he was just following a duty and not building a relationship and maybe something now has made him realise that and he wants to explore the world so to say…sadly the woman here was used as a supplementary pay cheque…and her parents probably want it to go on because divorce is a stigma and who in the right mind would divorce an NRI? I think she should dump him and go and find a better human being…maybe she should just go back to her old job…please please dont try to save the marriage…he is not worth all your tears

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  2. Well, the husband sounds like a typical man – selfish and self centred and a mama’s boy on top of that…I don’t think this marriage is worth saving – I don’t know why the wife wants to…I guess it has something to do with her conditioning…She is financially independent and has been staying alone for a while so why does she need her husband?

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    • Bones , are honestly most of the men like that ? Please give an honest and straightforward answer .

      Any woman , if you feel like it , please answer this question for me .

      Kialay I think there can be no generalisations. There are all kinds of men and women…

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      • no kc, they are not. this particular man is selfish and self centred, just like some women can be.

        sometimes there’s no point hanging in there, but most men, just like most women, regardless of the fights and displays of selfishness, are worth fighting for. that’s just my opinion

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      • Kislay, most men are not as selfish but they are all without fail (just like women are)…This particular man is extremely selfish…I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t have an ego and who is not self centred…Sorry Kislay but this has been my experience…

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      • Kislay, I don’t think most men are like this. There are extremes in both men and women. I have grown up with the most loving and considerate father and am married to the most considerate and loving husband and have met loads of such men.. At the same time – there are selfish and self-centered men just as there are selfish and self-centered women.

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      • IHM, My heart breaks as I read the emails..

        I can just say that there certainly does not seem to be a relationship here.. Clearly the husband is just not emotionally involved.

        After 9 years of marriage, if she still feels that she does not know him.. then I somehow doubt if it will ever change.

        The saddest part is
        ‘he left me alone 3 times when i was sick and went home to his parents. there is no emotional attachments.’ it just shows that his loyalties are elsewhere.. he certainly does not feel the same level of commitment.

        Indian Girl, I think you need to step out of this relationship. Only then will you be able to regain your self confidence. You are not financially dependant. You can have a future of your own, without feeling miserable all your life. Even if you do stay in this relationship – from your emails – you still feel ‘alone’. It is not as if he has been a ‘husband’ to you in anyway. I can understand family pressure to maintain the relationship – but its better to take a stand now and lead a happier life rather than stay in the relationship and be miserable throughout.. And please please, do not bring a child into this relationship – for the child’s sake. A child needs a happy , secure home, not a home where insecurities abound.

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    • typical man?Hey do not generalise like that . It is true that in patriarchy men have more opportunity to be selfish and self centred but when given the opportunity many women are like that too It depends a lot on the personality of the individual

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  3. Sickening to hear such things… how damn a husband can use his wife as a money machine and thinking having a children will increase their expenses… 😡 there is no point in sticking with such men… they deserve a better life

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  4. There is no point in staying in such a marriage where the other partner cares more for his family than his own wife. The point is why did he got married in the first place if this was going to be the situation.

    It’s good to fulfill one’s responsibilities towards one family but not at the cost of one’s wife. He will realize that but it would be too late. I have seen this crap of shit happening before and it would only jeopardize his own family. Thank God that there are no kids involved.

    As for the wife involved, divorce seems the only way to reclaim her life back, there is no point in trying when someone does not care for you, love you and the only thing one ends up with is compromises which has no meaning left in it.

    One advice that I would like to give to future brides through arrange marriages, do make sure that the background checks are done thorough or else one may find themselves in a rut and there would be no turning back…

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  5. i agree with all the above.. an extra pay cheque..? or social pressure.. whatever this is no way to live…

    even for the man himself.. what is the guy thinking. does he have anyone else in his life..?

    no reason to stay in this.. if you could call this Marriage..!

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  6. Hi there,
    Perhaps its because you are calling yourself ‘Indian girl’ that you are still hoping and struggling and finding ways to work this alliance out.. A one sided effort has very low chance. Have you sat and asked him what does he want? I assume your husband is around your age too which means he is expected to be a mature guy with a mind of his own. What makes him so indifferent is what i am wondering. While the bigger part of my mind says you should stop getting bothered by him and his cold or nasty behaviour and lead a happy life without expecting much from him, I am also worried about that fellow. Does he even realize what he is doing with his life? Anyways, thats a separate side of the coin. As far as you are concerned, have a chat with him on where you guys are going this way. If he is not interested, you are full right to do what your heart says. Maybe, if you still love him without even knowing him properly, you can give it some time (only after that chat and how u both are going to work on it over a period of time) at the end of which you yourself will know what you want to do.

    Life is too short to be spent in doing things which makes you sad.. most of the readers here will suggest you to move on… Pls dont even think about reasons like what will your family/ parents/ society will say .. you have already given it 9 long years of the prime of your life.. look ahead. maybe better times are just around the corner.

    To be honest, I think you are lucky to be a Commercial pilot and flight instructor.. see if you can get back to that line of career.

    Wish you all the luck and happiness!

    —-

    [IHM: Tara Bhatt I agree with you it occurred me too that he is ruining his own life… that his family is using him… or a fear that he might have some one else in his life.]

    Hey IHM, I am so glad to see that ppl write to you seeking advice in such serious matters of life and am sure you provide them with most sensible suggestions. cheers to you.
    I wrote something above but have one request – please publish it only if it doesnt sound stupid…i actually dint know how to react n what to say but i don’t think anybody deserves it. It made me sad. Woman leaves everything to marry someone and i fail to understand how she continues to try and make it work even in the worst possible situations…. But then why would a man behave like that, also strange to me. .. I know its easier to say things but i wish this Indian girl asks herself at the end of the day and decides, and acts before any more years go by…

    [IHM: Tara this email made me very sad too. I also feel helpless because there is almost nothing except giving our opiion that we can do… thank you for taking the trouble and responding.]

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  7. One day , I decided to let my imagination go wild , and think about Men , and they way they treat woman , in general . The following is an excerpt from my post , which I will publish soon .

    “1.The Pig – Some men would justify their ill treatment of their wives, their master-slave relationships with their better-halves, as a compensation for sacrificing their bachelorhood . You know, a relief package kind of thingy , my-life-got-screwed-after-getting-marries-I-will-ruin-yours. This is how total MCP’s would think, the ones with no respect for women. “Oh poor me, I am losing my bachelor status, I would be longer be single and free to do what I want. I know I won’t get it back, but to get even , I will teach my wife a lesson, make a slave out her , and control her life” . Those men , would have no pangs of guilt at all. They would say “I sacrificed my young, single and happy life for this, thanks to my parents, so how do I get my kick now ”.

    The guy in question here is a very very selfish PIG . Damn him and his kind !

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  8. Why the heck does she remain married? She is young (3os is when you are finally comfortable with oneself). Does not need a “man” – see what the last one did- but needs to learn to live alone( Soap box advice: never marry unless you have lived ALONE for a while- develop some idiosyncracies). Also is in a more forgiving environment- I assume she is in the West. Let her not analyze why this jerk remains married to her or the reasons why he married her- one can assess the situation till the cows come home, and not reach any solution. She needs to act- for her sanity- though honestly 9 years tolerating jerky behavior with 3 “leavings and comings backs” makes me wonder at that(I know i am being insensitive and snarky, but honestly, young lady if you read this, stop looking outside for solutions, just clear yourself from this huge mess- oh and don’t take advice which makes you decide on counseling or “mending this marriage” because marriage this is not). She needs to move on and live her life, no one, not parents, not society, not her amazing spouse hold her happiness, she is the key to her own freedom.

    [Allytude her family is going to ask her to try to mend her marriage, but I agree with you there is no marriage here, she is being used …] 😦

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  9. Is it jst coz she is an ‘Indian Gal’ that she is compramising to this extent….
    God comeout of this gal, u hav enough education i hope…….. to understnd wts happening around u. I dont know hw u hope that things wil be better. When something is happening wrong i think we should have the guts to react against it,’Indian gal’ tag doesnt give the license to suffer, wt ever bad happening in our life.Gone are the days where ppl silently suffer everything for the sake of keeping their marriege..

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  10. to the lady who emailed

    ask yourself what you want from this man and from your marriage, and when he’s in a mood to respond to you, ask him what he really wants. if there’s no match at all, and there is no way of finding common ground, then you need to take a good look at your life, and decide if the so called security of living in a marriage that seems dead, is worth all the heartache that you are going through.

    if the answer is no, then build up your support systems, whether it is your friends or family – these kinds of decisions are not easy to take and survive alone, and move on.

    it seems that you already have one source of income, and if you don’t want to continue with that work, have the possibility of another career waiting. update your skills, write these years off as a learning experience, and look forward to a better life.

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  11. I think they should really talk. Unless that happens you wont ever know what is the next thing.

    And in many cases, when you are talking to the person, the whole story comes before your own eyes and you realize what you really want from it.

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  12. Seems like all he wanted was a woman who earned and gave him her money.
    I wonder why she still wants to save this so called marriage. I am not very experienced in relationships but I can say she will find more happiness in life when she lets him go.

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  13. I am feeling so helpless . both the mails made me cry for what all we women have to endure
    and it scares me to get my daughter married.
    atleast these young women had the guts to speak up, share and take advice from others.
    There are thousands of victims of domestic violence not only in India but in other countries too who suffer silently such barbarian behaviour from their husbands.
    I dont under stand how can men be so selfish and cold hearted. will they tolerate same sort of treatment meted out to their sisters ? if No, then why torture someone else’s sister.
    the worst enemy of a woman is woman . Thanx to most of the mother in laws the daughter in laws ( whether educated or not, working or housewife)have to endure so much pain. and this forms a vicious circle, this DIL gets illtreated by her MIl so she inturns takes out her pent up feelings on her own DIl and so the cycle goes on.
    coming back to the present problem.
    to suffer silently is worse than torturing some one. You are humilating your self and also encouraging the uncouth attitude of your husband.
    If he is not ready to respect you and give you your due status then it is better to leave him and start your life with a new beginning.
    I know it is very easy for all of us sitting on the other side to go on giving advices
    to leave your husband or come out of a relation requires guts and we Indian woman before taking such a drastic step think about our parents, our siblings, our society etc.
    But remember one thing. no one is going to help you in long run. People can only provide lip service.So be bold, try to reason out with your husband and in laws
    and if you are not happy then please set an example for others, be a role model for other silent sufferers and start your life afresh. after all you are educated and can take care of your self
    all the best

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  14. Indian Girl,

    9 years of trying is enough, dont you think?

    If in 9 years, the guy hasnt changed or improved his behaviour, is he worth spending another few months or another few years over?

    If in 9 years, if the two of you havent been able to work out a relationship, what makes you think that you will be able to do so over the next few months or years?

    When you’re 40, what do you want to look back at 17 years of struggling with a guy who used you as an ATM machine – or atleast 8 years of a life well lived and enjoyed?

    Dont know if you’ve tried meeting a marriage counsellor or therapist. Maybe worth a shot. But then again, someone who hasnt changed much in 9 years, is not someone worth making the effort over. Atleast not in my opinion.

    So what’s really holding you back?

    1. It’s not finances – since you say you are working.

    2. It’s not that you cant live on your own – you said you have lived on your own for quite some time even in this marriage.

    3. It’s not really love. You’d have to be a masochist to love a guy who abuses you this way.

    4. You dont have any kids. So you dont have to stay back for the sake of kids.

    5. You’re in the US of A. Divorce does not bear a social stigma there. And a single woman living alone isnt a rarity. From what I know, its easier for a single woman in the US than in India.

    6. From the looks of it, you’re holding back just coz of social pressure – or rather pressure from your parents.

    But tell me – are your parents living with you? No. They’re in a completely different country.

    Are your parents there for you each time this guy hurts you? Each time you want to cry? Each time you need a shoulder? I dont know, but from the sound of it, I’d guess not.

    And if they are like most Indian parents of that generation, they are probably saying that its all *your* fault – that you must have pushed the guy away in some way. Dont something for him to distance himself from you.

    If your parents cannot stand up for you – for your right to a life – then is it really worth it to sacrifice your life for their so called ‘position’ in society?
    Heck, since you’re in the US, they dont even need to tell their friends and relatives about it. Just a thought.

    You’ve been married 9 years, and away from your parents for that long.

    And again, if they are such traditional parents, then as per ‘Indian traditions’ their right to you and your life ends the day they did your ‘kanya daan’ and ‘bidai’. Right?

    So back to the point – what’s holding you back from reclaiming your life?

    Everyone has the right to be happy. Even you.

    And if you continue with this marriage – then you loose the right to complain or expect sympathy. You are no longer a victim – but an accomplice to the crime.

    .

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    • richa, i don’t believe it’s about ‘time.’ i know someone very close to me, whose marriage started to crumble a couple of years after she was married. for reasons best known to her, she held on for more than 10 years. all we could do was offer support, and some advice, while she went through everything (including physical abuse, which she says is not the worst of it, the mental abuse is) that tears a relationship down. finally it came to divorce, and they had to wait the mandatory 6 months between drawing the papers up and getting the divorce. with counselling (they had children, and wanted the transition to be as painfree as possible) their own relationship improved, and they decided not to separate. one year down the line, they are as happy together.
      it’s not about time, i believe that now – it’s about what the individuals want, and if their wants match.

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  15. Ok, this is crazy. But if I may say so, not at all an isolated case. Happens very often in Indian marriages, mostly I think because of societal pressures the woman stays on.
    My advice to the lady concerned is, you have tried enough, I believe you need to move on. Love yourself, respect yourself, you can financially take care of yourself well enough, so simply break the strings and go ahead. You have to break out of your past to be able to move onto your future.

    IHM, I think it is wonderful of you to have put this up.

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  16. This is so sad IHM..heartbreaking to read…one cant even feel angry for her..all I feel is pity because she has been conditioned to think like this…

    this is about the first email.
    dont you think that the very fact that she IS aware of the problem areas?(his not hers) and is writing about it…and is asking as to what she should do… an indicator that she wants an ‘out ‘ of the marriage?
    That she just wast some voices of support and some miracle (she hopes I think) which will help her walk out of this sham of a marriage?


    IHM people write to you with these mails?

    I am so proud to know you ..to know that people feel that they can approach you with their problems..
    and that you read and listen and think about it..

    This would be too much for me to handle right now..
    just the thought of trying to sort out this muddle of a relationship gives me a headache because of all the worry….

    you are an inspiration!
    (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

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  17. Since we know only one side of the story obviously we can’t make any assumptions but these two sentences,

    he left me alone 3 times when i was sick and went home to his parents. there is no emotional attachments.

    when comes back frm india he is totally a diff. person does not even touch me are get close to me for atleast a month or two and we never get chance to together to India. whenever he goes to India its a big stress for me..

    make one thing clear and that is ‘This relationship is beyond repair’. It is long over and now two people are just living under one roof for the sake of it. While it is very common in India and most of South East Asia to be in a marital relationship just for the sake of it and for various reasons like children, old parents, society; it is time for people to step out of such emotional blackmails and make a better life of their own self. One must be happy to make everyone else happy too.

    This relationship isn’t working at all. What’s the point of “staying together” like this? Most times women fearing financial troubles stay back in a loveless, abusive relationship. Here we don’t see the need either.

    Get out of it before it is too late and please don’t keep trying just for the sake and bring children too into it and make a unhappy home for them. Sometimes it is important to take a stand for YOURSELF.

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  18. Clearly she’s been giving for too long and the man has been a leach draining her of her income her emotions her love her confidence and her respect. If she managed to live and take care of herself while he was in India and even when she was ill then she clearly can live alone. She just have to have confidence in herself. 32 is young and with lots of possibilities ahead. I think she can and should live on her own,rediscover herself and find joy back and not get into another relationship for a while. She’s earning and that is a big plus for her. She is more self sufficient than she realizes. Tell her to get out of this hellhole she is living. If he’s not moved ahead till now or made some changes for her as she’s made for him then he’s not likely to start soon . He’s taking her for granted. Even if they do have a child she’ll still be lacking the love of the man and the child might also not get the love deserving from a father. It is not worth to live life 50% when you have a chance to live 100%.

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  19. I am wondering if the guy is gay… I mean how can he not want to sleep with his wife.. unless ofcourse he is repulsed with her…

    It would be stupid of her to want a relationship with such a guy!

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  20. I agree that you can’t generalize. I am a man and I am completely and utterly devoted to my wife who is the undisputed love of my life. There are a lo of bad eggs out there but there are just as many nice and wonderful people. Nice post and I love the comments. Very smart all around.


    That is a really nice comment , she is a lucky woman 🙂
    Welcome to my blog Eric Richardville 🙂

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  21. Ihm, if a stranger come in front of me with such a story for advise I will tell ihm/her if possible to come with your spouse Hearing both sides will get you a better perspective. The few real life experiences I had with troubled marriages among my patients make me think like that Hearing just one version and advising will only reinforce the (right or wrong) perspective of spouse concerned . What I mean is the story you hear can be so one sided that you can give only one advise which she/he wants to hear

    I agree Charakan… and she also knows the advised is based only on the facts we know…

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    • That’s very true charakan. I wonder what the other side thinks? Sometimes people don’t tell the entire story. Is he really selfish or is it just a perception although if we are to take the lady’s words, it does seem bad. My empathies for the lady.

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    • I totally agree. The other side of this story should also be heard.
      Regarding this mail, the lady has already compromised so much. I have no idea what is she waiting for?

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  22. IHM, I have seen many such cases, may be not as bad but nearly as bad. Believe me, all of them were solved within a year after the girl decided that enough was enough. The parents supported them emotionally, financially they were all independent. My suggestion in all these cases was that they should evaluate the situation themselves and see if they were happier without this person. If they were convinced that they will be better of without their husbands they should be prepared to walk out and let him decide if he wants to change or live without them. Family and extended family is important but the girls have to realize that if they don’t value themselves, no body else will.
    Let me add here that there are instances where the girls have made the lives of their husbands and in-laws miserable, they need the same treatment.

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  23. I’ve noticed that women invest way more than men emotionally in a relationship. And this is clear here, too. The lady realizes that there is no emotional attachment from the husband’s side, yet she says that she loves him and carries on the one-sided relationship probably in the hope that he will change some day. She probably feels that having kids will make the husband less detached.

    But the sad fact is that people hardly ever change and chances are that this man will continue to remain under the influence of his family and continue to use the wife to further his own interests. I feel the lady has given it her best shot and it’s time for her to move on.

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  24. Hi Indian Girl,

    I am sorry to hear of all this and it deeply hurts me to even imagine what you are going through.

    I am not too sure of what to say, but I definitely want to speak with you and share few thoughts, thru IHM’s blog.

    This relationship doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, and as Tara above has wisely requested you to have a chat with ur husband, pls do that. And if you do not see a favourable or hopeful response, do be brave to face that it has to end.

    I wish to begin with a request – Please do not bring a child in this world if you are unsure of your current family situations.
    A child will not help “make things better” or make a man incapable of affection towards his wife suddenly develop compassion and affection. Maybe in movies…but not in real life.

    A child will be a living being, a soul, who will need the attention, love and support of both parents. Both need to be actively a part of its growth and life. No matter how much one parent loves this child, seeing the other parent not involved is bound to hurt the kid! If ur husband views a child as another “expense”, it will be very unfair! Plus, if ur marriage is an unhappy one, do u really want to bring a child into an unhappy home? And what kind of personality will this child develop? Will it be confident and happy?

    I am such a child. I grew up seeing my dad indifferent about his family. He too wanted to earn a lot of money. And he did. He is very well-to-do now. But money did not turn him into a good father or a good husband….and theirs was a “love marriage” they raised their child and this is how I lived for most of my life – witness to all fights, witness to mom’s tears, terrified to speak in public, very low in self-esteem, an introvert and was always scared of rejection. Coz I saw rejection for me as his child in my dad’s behaviour.

    My mom was made to leave her job, and she has lived within 4 walls for the last 27 years. And Indian Girl, she always had one regret – She should have walked out of this marriage when she knew it would not work. But with a child in hand, and no where to go, she didn’t know what future she wud be able to give me….

    Will your family support you? Or anyone u know who will help u through this? Please take help and leave while u can! And if not, then girl, u gotta make it on ur own!

    U are a commercial pilot and flight instructor???? That is like an awesome qualification!! Who’s holding u back Indian girl? I think its ur fear of “being a girl”
    Throw it aside! Nothing is unachievable! U said so urself, that u believed that! Get that faith back! We must learn from our drawbacks and change them into strengths! Every one who tramples you, use that experience to power up your determination! U don’t need anybody but urself Indian Girl!!

    It is very very difficult to let go of the thought “I am a girl” becoz we were brought up told that always…and it was equated to “not as potent as boys”. Meaning, we cud do what we want, “within limits”

    These “limits” don’t exist Indian Girl. They are falsely created leashes. And your first step has to be to erase this “limit” that was conditioned in your mind.

    My mom has only one child, and it’s a “daughter”. But her daughter will be taking her out of this glorified jail soon….to live a not luxurious, yet peaceful life. She doesn’t need a son to do that for her.

    She’s above 50, and lost on a lot of years of peace she deserved…u please don’t make this mistake…please think about this. I’ve shared this for you Indian Girl. I do not want any woman to live like my mom had to, and I don’t want any child to grow like I had to.

    Only you can help yourself. It is not at all the end. This may be a beginning of a new you, a stronger you. But u need to power urself! U got the qualifications and u got the determination, just bring it out of you! And who knows, u will be an inspiration to many more girls who seek this determination!

    God bless you. Will include u in my prayers. HUGS!

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  25. I find it very difficult to understand that why women find it so difficult to end a relationship? Both the women have a whole life ahead. They have jobs. Why can’t they just pack their bags and leave.
    I am saying this without knowing the other side of the story but at the end of the day its your life and its just one life.

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  26. marriage does that to people. it takes our confidence away. it makes us trust one person as our primary reference point, so if that one person does not care about you, it can be very sad, and devastating for our mental health. Thats the bad news.
    The good news is that, even if we think at this time that its not possible, it IS possible to reconstruct a life – at any age, but especially at your age. I mean, look at you – you’re young, issueless, and well qualified enough to be able to have TWO careers and be accepted in both. What are you waiting for?

    I am not saying divorce him. I am just saying tell him to clean up his act or be gone. And chances are, he will clean up his act. I have seen that happen before. If he does not. it is VERY wise to leave him and to start a new life – without a new man. First, you must learn to stand on your own feet- mentally, and financially. Then, when love happens, it will be based on mutual respect and not parcelling a wife to the US.

    Dont blame his India visits for his conduct. The fault lies with him and not with the India visits. Even without them, this man has deprived you of things you need as a woman – basic emotional support, sex, and a child. I think these are big enough issues. Really.

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  27. Mail 1

    “i am 32yrs old and i am scared of my future with another man but i cannot take this stress.”

    there is no past ( except for tying the knot ) and no present either ?

    “Being a south indian i have compromised so much in life and i was a Commercial pilot and flight instructor due to stress and to work out my marriage i have left my old loving job and now i am into Computers. ”

    the whole email reads “COMPROMISE”

    “My whole family wants me to try and workout still with this guy. what am i supposed to do…”

    what do you want ?

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  28. First important thing from letter its not clear do she loves him.i will advice her please relax and decide do you love him,do you want to stay with him
    Because her husband is like a tail of dog he will not improve.So its the girl she has to do adjustment.
    so first of all fix in your heart do you love him,do you want to stay with him with a guarantee that he will not love her.For him marriage was a just duty.
    Is her husband having another affair in usa or is he gay that she should try to find out. May be he is having another wife there .Fix in your heart what you want to do ,if you want to leave him,first prepare yourself strong in mind and financially become strong and one day leave him.
    if you love him ready to get beaten up and keep loving him then you will be unhappy after leaving him also and with him also,soin this case its better stay with him and try to find out how you can win his heart.Try to crack the nut because there is no guarantee that 2nd husband will love you more.

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  29. It is sad. Some men are so dominated by their birth families that they don’t develop peoples skills. Communication could help this marriage a lot. If they related to each other …… Divorce is hard! I mean every cell of my being wants to say, “Leave him, walk out”

    The man it seems is emotionally repressed

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  30. She can try her very best to stay with him – I have no problem if she wants to be stupid- but please for the love of God- Woman! DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT have kids!!

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  31. Don’t even think about having a child to make things works………it’s gonna make it worse and you certainly don’t want to bring your child into this mess. If this man is capable of revolting on you just coz he was under pressure from his family, I hate to imagine what he might be capable of when you guys have children. Dealing with kids putting them through the adult pressures is the most heart-breaking issue of all. So please, for your good and also for everyone else’s, go on with your life, leave him and spend some alone time with yourself, when the time is right you will find your Mr.Perfect. There is no point in having any conversation with him either, 9 years was too long to have had any sort of conversations, if at all.
    You have already spent a major part of your youth on an unhappy cause, now go on and make yourself happy and contented and serve the purpose of your life. Your family will eventually come around, they are not the ones going through this hell, YOU ARE.

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  32. OH, and you changing your career(I’m assuming you love/enjoy being a pilot more), for someone else??? Come on woman, which world are you in? Sorry I may sound harsh, but remember one thing, you are what you are and should be loved and respected by YOURSELF most importantly. You do what you enjoy, coz otherwise there wont be much motivation in life.
    Learn to respect and accept yourself for who you really are. That should be your motive for now, ofcourse, once you move out of your marriage (if it even exists)

    IHM: thanks for bringing this to our attention, i’m sure there are many women in the same plight

    Like

  33. Oh Good Lord!! Why on earth would you want a child when the marriage itself is disintegrating???!!! Not a good idea if you ask me..
    Sit and weigh your options. Stick around, try to salvage a decaying relationship,bend, bend,bend backwards until you either break and fall apart, or get completely tangled up. Life is but a pretzel huh?!
    The other option is to survive alone. Maybe sad. Maybe lonely. Maybe as an outcast all your life.But atleast at peace.
    May you find your peace soon, indian girl.

    ..Piper, but don’t you think Indian Girl is lonelier now when he is around… maybe when she is free she will find friends who will make better companions and also then she might find a better partner, who will be a partner in the real sense?

    Like

  34. Dear Indian girl,
    I know it’s relatively easier for me siting here and advising you… but if you read all the replies to the post here, you will know what it is like to get on to the other side by yourself… It surely requires a great deal of courage and self-belief, but I’m sure with your kind of qualification, you’re already at an advantage.
    Most importantly believe in your self… It is evident that this man who has been of no good to you in your life has clearly shaken your confidence, but it’s never too late. You have already taken the first step by thinking about it. Do not pause to look behind.
    Consider yourself lucky to have an education, a potential and still a life ahead of you. A lot of people across the world, expecially back home do not have that advantage. Make complete use of that. Getting tied dwon by familial obligations or society rules are not going to make your life better. like I have always maintained, good or bad cannot be universally defined by any one. Getting pre-occupied by what a third person think sto be wrong will only defeat your purpose to find a hope for a better life.
    Remember, the time you spend with him, that time is lost forever. It is upon you to make the most of this time to make a better life for yourself. The choice is yours to make.

    Like

  35. I am not an expert but one thing which i understood from this mail is that Indian gal has lost confidence . I know for sure that abusive relationship can take it’s toll on one’s personality .

    Itz pretty much clear from her mail that she wants to break free but can’t stand up against the societal and family pressure . I would love to say that kick him off ur life but easier said than done..being an indian middle class it could be significantly monumental even though she is in USofA. All I want to say is that gal please pull the strings and respect urself. she needs to ask herself if she deserves to be in an abusive relationship. I think no body deserves that. She needs to have self belief and respect herself as an individual.
    Although 9 yr.s is a loong tym but still give a last shot and speak to ur hubby with full confidence as an individual. who knows , may b seeing ur confidence ur hubby might see u in a different light and will repect u for what u r. We all surprise ourselves all the time so mayb ur husband might …!! But first and foremost , for anything, U need to believ in ur self. U deserve happiness 100% and respect urself for what u r. if u feel inferior nobody will ever make u feel otherwise. The key is to respect oneself n be happy with ur ownself.

    best of luck to u gal and I wish u immense happiness and peace in ur life. just believe in urself.

    IHM I would want to congratulate u that she wrote to u.. and that u were there for her.am sooooo touched.. speaks loadz about u as a person…

    Like

  36. Marriage should be equalt give and take alongwith respect and love. Looks like the lady is doing all the giving and not gettting any respect and love in return. I think they should go their seperate ways 😦

    Like

  37. Pingback: Crushed Dreams « Any Excuse to Write…

  38. Hi All,
    Thanks a lot for all the advice and suggestions…
    I am little busy with paper work for my Divorce and have to move out of my house. looking for a new place.. to start a new life. I will get back to you all and tell how i am doing… But rightnow i am busy with this stuff.

    I really appreciation all the advice..
    Thanks
    Indian_gal

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  39. Hi, I happened to read this blog, a 32 year old woman still trying to put up with her partner!! for what? when you don’t have any issues!!! From your blog I have learnt that you have tried your best to have good relationship but no avail!! So just come out of it and start a new life. Maybe your happy days are waiting for you!!! I am sure when one partner is not happy the other one will also be not. So by ending this relationship you are also helping him in a way.

    Society!!! Don’t bother about it as long as you are truthful to your concious . So take a good decision soon and don’t forget your happy days are waiting for you

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  40. Pingback: A Message From Indian Gal « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  41. I am late here….anyway as far as advice is concerned, it should be a personal call? she has to take the decision…she knows what course of action to take..i feel she is looking for the support that all others also opine the same…

    Well at 32 , the world is in front of you..just come out and live on your own..thank your stars that you dont have a kid….thats my advice..

    by the way to your first query, why do we get married at all?..a typical scene….guy getting a job outside home town and after one year ..adive from all around get married..reason..you will get food, somebody to take care inc sex etc etc etc….hmm

    Like

  42. Hi IHM,

    Its really sad that we Indian Women, feel that the entire relationship saving thing is only a woman’s responsibility.

    Its sad that Indian Gal stuck around in this relationship for so long and with so less, in terms of emotions or security or respect or trust..to keep her going. But as I read from the latest post, she is moving on. So there is good in the world yet.

    God has blessed with you with so many chances to reach out to other people 🙂 I think its really wonderful.

    Like

  43. This is so sad…but if there is no hope, she should not continue in the relationship. And since she has kids and a sound education, she can bank on that and make a new life…Having a husband is not the end of the life, being happy and doing something good is and she can still do all that after she gets out of this rut…

    Like

    • Every decision has a negative and positive consequence. There is nothing called a right/wrong decision. You make decision based on the awareness about the situation and stick to it.
      You know your weakness and strong points. So you make a decision and stick to it. Last but not the least…remember this always…”Your pain is as large as your inability to see elsewhere….”.
      This kind of qualities can be seen in both men and women. Unfortunately god does not arrange such mean minded people to get married.

      Like

  44. Pingback: Save The Marriage - Find Out Why You Should Save The Marriage For The Children - The Blog Planet

  45. Pingback: Feminism has gone to women’s head. Divorce has become like selling onions. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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