Overheard at a Beauty Parlour…

They obviously knew each other well. One was around 50, the other a little younger. First they dissected TV Serials, they knew their favorite characters and scenes. Their passion reminded me of Football and Cricket being discussed at home.

Then it was decided that the correct age for boys to get married was 22 years. “Not too young and not too old.” The biggest reason why this age was so acceptable was to ensure they do not go ‘out of hand’.

Meaning they should not grow wings or start having opinions of their own?

Then I lost track of their conversation, until I heard them talk of a man who was beating his wife the evening before.

I saw him beating her, and her brother came out and stood in the balcony, I asked him what was going on, he said his jeeju was beating his sister.”

He had wrapped a bandage on his own wrist! He tries to show that he hurts himself too…”

Arre if he is angry he should shout, where is the need to beat her? Atleast not when she is pregnant!”

Yes, he should think of her state! You know, the way he hurts himself…, I think X has some psychological problem!”

I didn’t tell my husband! He is very short tempered, he would have gone and given him two…”

X! The name was familiar.

I said, I couldn’t help overhearing you, did you say X? What is the wife’s name?

Y

You should ring their door bell, and let him know this is not a normal family matter…”

I told them about X and Y. They heard but did not seem convinced about interfering,

He is violent; he can say and do anything.”

A man who beats his wife with the knowledge that her family will not support her, is a coward. I have met him. He needs to know this is totally unacceptable…”

I knew they would never understand or accept any talk of her leaving him.

Of how the first time you are a victim, after that you are just a volunteer.

One of them had just said, “…But I think every family should have a daughter. At least one daughter to chahiye (is needed),  otherwise a family is not like a family, these boys never stay at home, at least girls are caring…!

What bothered me was that the generous statement implied that having or not having daughters was a choice.

And having children of a particular gender should have some convenient reasons, like completing a family, or making a house a home.

And that boys go out, they don’t ‘care’. So girls don’t go out? They are made to stay at home and be ‘caring’? Meaning girl-children must repay by being kind, while boys are accepted so long as they agree to marry when and to whom the parents deem appropriate.

Isn’t all this interlinked? And doesn’t our thinking need some overhauling? This is the real India.

And about X and Y… I wish there was something I could do. Most organizations found on the net have phone numbers that are not picked up. And the girl had refused to blame her husband

I have lost her number but she has mine. And our Society’s Secretary’s. We had asked her to call anytime, but she never called.

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70 thoughts on “Overheard at a Beauty Parlour…

  1. IHM unfortunately that is how most of the people seem to think

    regarding the organizations i can get u some details in pune right? but if she is not willing to cooperate i have my doubts if it would be helpful

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  2. Ugh.. how frustrating! and how could her brother just simply watch his sister get beaten up?!!
    What kind of people are they??

    Abuse of any kind is not an answer to any problem…

    Oh yes, the whole “daughters are caring;sons are not” is so ingrained in our society that its pathetic and frustrating…

    Ugh.

    *will come back and comment more after I calm down a bit!*

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  3. hmm…….. it is totally unacceptable IHM….. X is a coward….. an idiot………
    what you say is right,
    —–
    Isn’t all this interlinked? And doesn’t our thinking need some overhauling? This is the real India.
    —–
    yes INdia needs overhauling…… our thinking needs to change….. I just dont know the answer…… 😦

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  4. I think I’ve seen these ads in a movie theatre somewhere. They are really good ones. And you might know that the conversation that you overheard in your beauty parlour is typical of society. “Their life,” and “their household affairs” is just an excuse to sit tight. And frankly, these lovely ladies were in fact the more genrous type. There are women who recommend a good thrashing once in a while to keep a wife in “check.” I always cringe when a woman says something like this. Many women, I’ve observed tend to have a low opinion of their sex when it comes to family affairs, and they are supportive even of the most heinous crimes against their own gender.

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  5. Incidentally my last post is on another X & Y. And IHM you can help to an extend but if the woman decides not to speak there is nothing you me or any organization can do! It’s sad and most times makes me feel helpless…

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  6. she wont call IHM… for a girl if her own family is not supportive of her choice what kind of support will she go looking for? I’m sure she has been conditioned that hubby is always right and the husbands place is her home now…. yadda yadda…

    she’s preggy?? Hope she realizes at least for her kids sake! I hope she does get the courage and conviction to make that call and not give up.

    She is educated and financially independent but she has no support from her family. Her brother’s not helping was shocking, I think he feels her husband has the right to treat her anyhow. 😦

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  7. What can be done IHM 😦 I read the linked up post about software engg’s. These are educated people who know their rights and choices. We can push only so far…maybe lodge a police complaint for disturbance,after that its upto their own families to interfere. I dont know how it works in India….do the police lodge a complaint if the wife is unwilling to press charges? In the US I think they dont unless the wife is definite about pressing charges (I may be wrong but this is what I gathered fromt he movies) . I hope the girl has some support in that aspect. How can a brother just sit back and watch his sis get beaten? That is scary.

    I think it’s the same here homecooked, and despite the Domestic Violence Act, the police often refuses to register a case! 😦

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  8. It is so sad.. I just hope X comes to her senses and understands that she does not need to take it lying down..and that there is help outside – if she wants it.. It must be so difficult for you to be witness to this and not be able to do anything to help..

    A lot is also due to the fact that she may not have support from her own parents.. so she might feel ‘forced to accept her lot’..

    It is all interlinked.. Our society definitely needs an overhaul..

    ‘And that boys go out, they don’t ‘care’. So girls don’t go out? They are made to stay at home and be ‘caring’?’ Yes, and thats apparently why you need daughter-in-laws too – to be caring!
    And men can get away with everything.. boys will after all be boys!


    Smitha I felt I was in another world. Everything they said was so illogical and so simply accepted …they are K serial addicts, and I do believed watching such regressive trash creates, or encourages this sad mindset.

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  9. The biggest coward is the brother…How could he not help his sister? Maybe he thinks it alright for his BIL to hit his sis…

    Sad, very sad…

    Sraboney it really upset me. Just hearing them discuss this in a matter of fact tone bothered me even more. Her brother seems to think her husband is her Lord nad Master… ! I have not seen such brothers anywhere else.

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  10. its so sad IHM that these women do not stand up to the injustices meted out to them. thats why its so important to be finacially secured because most of these women are totally dependent on their spouses to take care of them. and i dont only mean the lower class. i have seen this happening in upper middle class as well. the centres cant do much you know unless the victim comes out and speaks about it. most of them are scared of the repurcussions it will have on them and the children if they have them.


    Gunmeen but they don’t see that the worst repercussions are those that the children and family faces growing up in such an abusive environment!

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    • In many cases women are not allowed to work outside home. The husband and in laws prefer to keep the woman financially dependent on the husband so that she can be controlled. And being financially secure does not guarantee emotional independence. Conditioning, and stigma attached to separation keeps women in subjugation.

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  11. Its like the stockholm syndrome….after sometime the woman who gets beaten often starts thinks that her husband is always right, she needs to agree with him more. Or mayb she thinks there are worse things happening outside, so better inside than outside.
    And the worst is when she thinks that she deserves the beating :-(.

    Both those ads are great…I’ve seen a similar ad with Boman Irani.

    I will find and add it here Nancy!! Stockholm Syndrome …yes, true that is exactly what you hear people say, even the neighbours and family and the abuser himself belive that he is justified in beating her!

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  12. So sad to see Y’s brother casually mentioning that his sister is beaten by her husband. Does he not get angry? I would thrash the living daylights of anyone who would dare to do that to my sister!

    I know what you mean,just hearing them talk… I wanted to thrash the daylights out of this man too.

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  13. Sad..
    I guess the reason why most women take it is that they keep hoping that the abuser would ‘change’, given his damage-control tactics that usually follow such acts of violence. It always leaves behind some hope for the victim that this might be ‘turnaround’ event and that he/she would finally come to senses. But it never happens that way, does it? The victim soon slides into a comfort zone, brushing such acts as ‘once in a while’ events and get back to ‘normalcy’.
    If only they knew how damaging it gets for everyone associated ..


    Yes Puja, you have analused it so well!! That’s exactly how I see it too. Makes me angry and sad both.

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  14. It is so sad to hear that,these things are happening in this 21st century also.I just don’t understand what these so called women organizations are doing 🙂 .If they can’t help these helpless souls,then they are not deserved to be called that.I guess the only solution for this is ,women should have financial independence.Guess once they start earning themselves ,they will get some respect from there husband and his family….don’t know,I just felt like that

    It’s not financial independence Anish, it’s the attitude that counts!I blogged about my really poor maid, who is now staying alone, she was thrown out so she had no choice at first, but now she is fine with staying on her own.

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  15. Its pathetic, to see to which direction our society is going. Whnever i hear someone beating their wife, i thought its n old thing, it wont exist in modern society, atleast ppl will try to stop it.
    But then its happening around u, in front of u, may b in ur neighbours life, bt dnt u see that its nt a private affair, coz if it was, u wont hav knwn it.
    Its high time gals show some guts to come out of their fears, telling the truth never means breraking a marriege, may b with sme counselling these things can b reduced..
    cant believe hw a husband can beat his pregnant wife, someone who is carring his own blood inside her… i am not seeing which side india is developing actualy… 😦

    That’s what Devil for a long time I also thought India is changing and such things don’t happen amongst educated people, but in recent years… very sad to say, I have had to change my opinion 😦

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  16. It is a coward act of x to beat his wife,and more coward is the brother who sees his b-law beating his own sister,such a b******.
    Until the lady gets support from her own people or she has to walk out of the house if she is educated and can work for herself.
    My very close friend is beaten by her husband and b-inlaw and she went to police station to complain about that and her own brothers came to police station told police that she has got some psychological problems.

    Yes Saritha I am aware of such horrifying cases, and we think such things only happen in lower classes! This must be like a nightmare for this girl!! I hope she got out of it?! Women should get out before they have children if possible. With children of course it is incorrec to stay, because then the children are also victimised…

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    • whatever the case is if the woman comes to report an FIR the police has to file it — period. the brothers words do not have value –logically speaking.

      You will be shocked Anrosh. They don’t register complaints, maybe they are bribed by the boy’s family, or they just don’t appreciate women sullying family name and honor by making police complaints! In these matters everybody likes being very ‘correct and honorable’

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      • IHM it is not the bribe,they just dont want women to complain abt men,their ego hurts 😦

        Infact it is the police who called her brothers when she went to lodge a complaint and told them to take their sister from the police station

        You are right Saritha. I think they feel they are being dutiful just like Muthalik’s men were dutiful in Mangalore!! 😦

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    • No IHM my friend is from a very rich marwadi family in old city of hyderabad.She works for a bank,her hubby and b-law work in a pvt bank.Her b-law was my collegue.
      Before this i used to think it is seen only in the lower class but this is a example how rich class snub their d-law’s 😦


      Yeah Saritha, it has less to do with money, more to do with attitudes!

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  17. This is indeed sad! I hope these women wake up and realise their true potential. It breaks my heart to learn how some women suffer and how they live their life with total acceptance. They surely don’t deserve that. This kind of attitude about caring-girl-child- and run-around-boy child is the reason for this domestic violence and the typical Indian male ego! I hope it ends soon for all! Peace.

    Yes Annie, I agree… and really sad!

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  18. plight of women is same every where. it makes my blood boil to see the so called financialy independent women being illtreated and domianted by their husbands and inlaws. it is the fault of the women only who let others rule over them. and they because of fear or society go on suffering silently

    Yes Anuj, it makes my blood boil too! But I feel they need to know that nobody will blame them for NOT SAVING THEIR MARRIAGE…. that might make them act without the fear of what will people say!.

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  19. Wife-beating is shameful,hateful and women yeilding to such an act and concealing it is shameful too.Women should contact police, organizations to stop this injustice….there’s no family with such a man!!

    Yes Sara, I agree!! There’s no family with such a man!

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    • so true! no family with such a man……i fear for their kids, what will they grow into? i hope they do respect and care for the women they encounter in life later!

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  20. What can I say?

    The level of freedom accorded to boys is not the same as girls.

    And about X and Y. How can Y allow X to abuse her? Isn’t there something called self-respect and dignity. Special laws were formulated for domestic violence and then there is this ‘ghanti bajao’ campaign but then what good are laws if women don’t come out to report them.

    Abhishek the problem is women find no support even with their own families! They are told to ‘save the marriage’! But like Sara says, there is no family with such a man!

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  21. This X guy and others like him should be caught and whipped. This issue just makes my blood boil.

    Exactly how I felt Priyanka. I wish her own parents felt this way, this guy would never have dared to touch her. When I read ‘The Colour Purple’ (by Alice Walker) , there is this same line there, it seemed her parents forgot she even existed once they married her off, I thought it was so apt for India…

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  22. it’s so frustrating, IHM…first of all how can she not go get help, how can she just let the guy do this to her…and why the hell isn’t the family supportive?

    i don’t know if i should say ‘poor her’..because she has a choice to leave and not put up with the man…anyway, i don’t think i’m even making sense…will come back later !

    Ersa, I know how you feel. I was really upset hearing about this. Just how can we allow something like this to go on????? And I have seen that girl, and if you read the linked post, I had heard her screams, and that day too, she did not blame him. I always say, Weak parents have unhappy children.
    I am really glad I have this blog …

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  23. Couldn’t quite get ‘There’s no family with such a man’.

    Is it so???

    Oh Abhishek, my mistake! I should have written, any family with such a man is as bad as having no family.

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  24. My heart bleeds for this woman. Even here, in America, where it’s not acceptable to hit your wife, the women who are beaten do not leave. The shame, the learned helplessness (Stockholm Syndrome), lack of self esteem because it’s been beaten out of her … I was not physically abused, but terribly so mentally and emotionally. I understand why they stay. They don’t think they have any way out, other than suicide.

    Worst of all, even if help is offered, the woman is so destroyed that she may think it’s all her fault. She is not stable when this goes on in her life.

    You may or may not have links for information to help her, but I spent nearly 3 years in domestic violence support groups learning about this stuff, so I could try not to repeat it (again) in my own life.

    Maybe some of this information can help her, or at least help you to help her.

    Contact me if you need more, or to discuss. I hear your frustration and pain, and feel my own.

    http://www.divorcenet.com/states/oregon/or_art02
    http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/
    http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm
    http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/get-informed/domestic-violence/why-does-she-stay-why-do-any-of-us

    THANKS, Gorigadhaa – this might help anybody who needs assistance/information!!!

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  25. My heart bleeds for this woman. Even here, in America, where it’s not acceptable to hit your wife, the women who are beaten do not leave. The shame, the learned helplessness (Stockholm Syndrome), lack of self esteem because it’s been beaten out of her … I was not physically abused, but terribly so mentally and emotionally. I understand why they stay. They don’t think they have any way out, other than suicide.

    Worst of all, even if help is offered, the woman is so destroyed that she may think it’s all her fault. She is not stable when this goes on in her life.

    You may or may not have links for information to help her, but I spent nearly 3 years in domestic violence support groups learning about this stuff, so I could try not to repeat it (again) in my own life.

    Maybe some of this information can help her, or at least help you to help her.

    Contact me if you need more, or to discuss. I hear your frustration and pain, and feel my own.

    http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/get-informed/domestic-violence/why-does-she-stay-why-do-any-of-us

    Thank You Gorigadhaa! I have little hope that she will ever call me, but I would definitely like to know what one can say to any woman is such a situation, to make them react… I agree they do not remain stable… And Stockholm Syndrome is exactly what it is… 😦

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  26. It’s so sad that she hasn’t received support from her own family! It’s unlikely she’ll have the courage or the conviction to seek help in such a situation. Her own brother not caring seems so callous – but I guess people like that still exist. I feel really bad for her – hope she gets some help soon.


    The problem is Mystic margarita we also can’t try to get in touch with her unless she shows some willingness to communicate. She doesn’t cry softly, because where ever they are living the whole neighbourhood hears her scream, and still nobody helps her, because she denies there is any violence. But I can’t relax either… how can something like this just be allowed to go on!?
    😦

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  27. This is so sad. Her brother stands in the balcony when she is getting beaten up is pathetic. Sadly! there are many such women and families who take it all thinking this is what they deserve.

    IHM, how about contacting Ultraviolet? Or any other organization nearby?

    Do they have any phone numbers? You know if nothing else we can give the girl a reliable number to call in an emergency, since her family is useless. I would have no hesitation in letting her stay with us for a while either, I know I (and indirectly she) will have our neighbours and friends’ full support, but first she should see what’s happening as wrong, and walk out… this was really bad. We have helped and successfully helped another woman but she approached us and now she is happily remarried, maybe all stories don’t end so well, but anything will be better than what’s going on now. Also this shows there are a large number of unhappy women….

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    • IHM, let me check and then e-mail you. There is also Bell bajao website I came across once. Let me look for that too.

      Actually it should be ‘inn idiots ka band bajao andolan’ in which cow dung is plastered over these batterers’ face and are made to sit on a Donkey.

      Yes I agree, that does sound like a more appropriate campaign.

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  28. All those culture/moral polices should go beat up these idiots instead of picking on women for clothes and drinks. To preserve our culture we need healthy and happy women first.


    How true!!! How simply, succinctly true Solilo!!

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  29. IHM,

    Isn’t all this interlinked? And doesn’t our thinking need some overhauling? This is the real India.

    Depressing but true. And thanks for those ads too.

    P.S: I see we have yet another WordPress convert. Its getting terribly lonely back at blogspot, ya know.

    Hades please join us! Word Press has many useful features that you will love, and we are all there if there are any hiccups. 🙂 Responding to comments and Bog Stats are just two of them.

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  30. IHM I want to read all the posts, watch the videos and then write..this post brought back some memories of a friend and her life..

    ((hugs))
    will be back..

    You have probably not read about the incident where I first met this couple (X&Y), it is linked here… Sad about your friend, but I hope she found courage to find a life, or make a life for herself.

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  31. You’ve made so many points in this post, IHM. The Bell Bajao campaign is amazing and should teach reticent neighbours and friends about how to act against and not just be a mute spectator of domestic violence.

    Also, this whole thing about having at least one daughter is often repeated. And I agree with you how just like you can’t choose to make sons, you can’t choose to make daughters either. Having said that, I do think that in an ideal situation, a family with daughters seems so much more well-rounded to me.

    I agree D. What I found worrying about this was the idea that ‘families must have daughters too’ was that she sounded condescending… like we need to prove that daughters are worth having (which we do actually)… and also the assumption that they would prove the decision worthwhile, by being extra caring… What makes having daughters so unpleasant? She really felt the need to justify having daughters. And I do agree with you D, it’s as nice to have daughters in the family as it is to have sons.

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  32. i can just say its the reality of life .
    2nd is few years back there was a survey on husband beating wife , and mejority females said its ok he can beat them.


    Yes I have read of this sm. This is because they have grown up in an environment where DM is excused easily, and many have seen their mothers being beaten.

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  33. She denies that there is any violence but cries out and the brother is talking about her being beaten up? Can I hope that they are trying to get some attention? Can somebody maybe lodge a complaint for too much noise and have the husband explain the screams?

    Aaaahhhh!!! Woman have come so far in some ways and yet lag behind so much in other ways.

    She denied any violence when I rang their door bell, many months ago. They moved, I forgot about them. Turns out they haven’t moved too far, and these people described what they saw. Her brother did nothing. No complaint. I also suggested they use disturbance as an excuse to check the violence, but then he might frighten her into remaining silent when she is beaten? I think it is very complicated, also some people can’t bear pain quietly, maybe in some ways she hopes somehow she will find help if she screams?

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  34. It’s not uncommon in other societies as well where the woman won’t walk out on her husband. I had a recent case where my client (the child) reported DV in the home and I called up the child protection authorities here. They have been following up the case for more than 6 months but the mother says that things are fine and there is no problem and is unwilling to dob in her husband. However, she has banned her child from seeing me. And I feel helpless.

    There’s theories in psychology about how people choose their partners based on their ‘schema’. Some individuals have what is known as a ‘defectiveness schema’ which is a belief that they are unloveable and unlikeable and deserve the shit coming their way and this is through several experiences throughout their lives. These individuals are more likely to choose partners that will treat them like crap and are less likely to walk out on them.

    I guess, at the end of the day, for some people, change is hard. And walking out on a partner is a huge change.

    All we can do is continue to educate society and have centres where victims can find a haven and seek therapeutic assistance. And hopefully, one day, things will change. Maybe not in my lifetime though…


    Yes you are right, I have heard vaguely about this theory, and we can see it being proven correct all around us 😦 I think there is a little improvement and more and more women are not accepting this as their lot, but a majority is still is too afraid to move out, they fear change, like you said…

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  35. Lemme get this right …. the man was beating his pregnant wife while her brother stood outside?! Wow! What kind of world are we living in?

    Once she is married her husband is her God, he knows what is best for her. She goes in doli comes out on arthi. 😦

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    • Ye and I guess Brother was only helping ‘God’ to prepaire arthi!!! .
      while the co habitants of the society watched and discussed.. How very shameful…
      We pray to 1000’s of goddesses and feel proud that we have a woman president and a speaker but this is the reality…:(
      It has to change at grassroots not just symbolic…
      and I do agree that y , jus y do we need a reason to have a daughter?!!??

      Exactly my feelings. And this goes on so openly. RDB I felt one reason why one of these women did not speak up for her was the fear that it might make their own daughter in law get’ ideas’.

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      • oh.. such a irony..!! strangely, I always feel ..women themselves r their worst enemies.. If not for that, we would never require JKGs infact even the derogatory reference of JKG , I feel, must b a woman’s brain child..!!
        kudos to U for looking and spreading the “JKG” in a different light 🙂

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  36. Whenever I read about this type of incidents, I go into depression for some days. My relative went through this type of violence for many years. When parents went there to help her, the man asked them to take their daughter back. The parents have got 2 more daughters to get married – this looks like a film story, but it is true. The girl herself refused to go to her parents’ house. They have got a daughter and she is grown up now. She takes care of the house and goes to college because half the time, the mother says that she is sleepy and goes off to sleep – depression. Father goes to work, come back and watch TV, eats and sleeps. The girl manages the house. The man thinks that no one should interfere in their family – everyone was abused in bad language, when they did – they don’t join in any family weddings or other functions.

    The ‘bell bajaao’ concept is very good. Seeing for the first time. Thanks IHM.

    Yes Sandhya this depressed me too! And I fear the girl who is managing the house here will grow up believing that such things do happen… and there isn’t much we can do about them so we accept our destiny and live in such abusive relationships! But I hope not, I hope she sees is for what it is and gets her mother to walk out of this hell, once she is old enough … just hoping. 😦

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  37. First time you are a victim, after that you are just a volunteer – So true IHM, but its not easy for most people to get out of abusive relationships…most of them dont even realise that they are letting this happen to them and also the stigma attached to divorces make them skeptical…divorced women are generally seen as somehow wrong and if she is beautiful then she has to have been easy…families also condition women to ‘put up’, ‘adjust’, ‘compromise’ for a secure future…and in our country education hardly changes mindsets…hence so many highly educated men still hunt for ‘homely’ (read submissive) girls to get married to…Manusmriti still rules and the problem is that some women subconsciously believe in those tenets

    I agree Cilla, all these thoughts crossed my mind, and it really upset me. Very few men are JKGs. 😦

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  38. This is really sad…My maid was often thrashed by her husband over trivial issues, and she would often come crying to us. My mother would get her medically treated and insisted that she filed a complaint, or atleast leave him for few days so he realises his mistake. She would often agree, but the next day things would be back to square one. Once she was beaten up so badly that she broke her arm. At 10 in the night she came to out house. The next day she was adamant that she would get him punished. The husband got a lot of abuses from my mother and father. He apologised and she fell for him again. Thankully she hasnt complained till now.

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  39. IHM I read all the links..saw the videos..and read the comment section..
    I dont know what to say..
    this happens..its a harsh reality ..it hard as hell when someone we have known goes through it..and we cant doa thing..

    I am torn between guilt and sympathy and plain indifference.I .mentioned this on Ritu’s post too..

    Because at the end of the day when I have just about run out of energy trying to console and encourage the ‘said’ friend..when I have made calls…spoken to people/organizations about what can be done..
    THEN she backs down and refuses to say anything against him…

    I feel like crying and giving her a good shake …
    it makes me mad..that I cant do a thing unless she first stands up for her own self…

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  40. I think the two women who were talking about the women need a psychiatric help as much as the wife beater.
    Girls are necessary. Boys run away! What the hell!! 😐

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  41. IHM…am feeling very helpless…sitting here hundreds of miles away. cant do much to help but am hoping u will do whatever it takes. Otherwise that woman and the child she is carrying will forever be going thru such scenes.

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  42. The attitude of the brother is quite shocking. But the more puzzling aspect is why would a educated financially independent woman put up with such abuse. There is not much any one else can do unless she decides to put an end to the abuse herself.

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  43. its indeed sad IHM! i mean most girls grow up thinking they are someone else’s responsibility. that they are answerable to other people. that they can be punished for doing something wrog in that protector’s eyes een though her head and heart tells her she hasnt made a mistake! 😦

    these feeling run too deep to start believing in herself i think. plus society’s insistence of making judgemental calls make it even more difficult…

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  44. She has become habituated to this.. and brainwashed by the trauma.. its pretty normal infact.. victims in the end believe that they deserve the beating et al.. or that its the fate.. or atonement for sins in the past life… when she comes out of it though.. the whole gamut of emotions that she doesnt let herself feel.. the justified anger and all .. will cripple her for a long time..

    It is sad n unfortunate.. but some ppl can never be saved !

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  45. Here in the US, the laws have changed. The police no longer need the wife (or husband’s) collaboration in order to take a spouse to jail as long as the police officer on site has sufficient evidence.

    The spouse who try to abuse this law by being vindictive and calling the police with no cause tend to get in trouble themselves. The police are intelligent, have had abuse training and recognize the signs and know when it’s real, when it’s questioned and when it’s fake.

    I think the thing that upset me the most after learning that my future husband and I would be settling down in India, was that I wouldn’t be able to wear a western bathing suit anymore. Not even in our complex pool! My bathing suits have always been modest one pieces, generally more suited for swimming and fun than looks. However, I learned that I couldn’t even wear this modest one piece there! That it would be a scandal for me to wear shorts! Or a skirt that comes above the calves! I was shocked!

    As a modest women, and growing up in a spiritual and respectful small farming town, I know the difference between tasteful apparel and stuff that should be only worn in the privacy of one’s home. However, I was supremely pissed off to learn that while the boys in India go running around in shorts and bathing suits, the girls will actually wear their salwar kurta’s in the pools! UGH! It defeats the whole purpose of feeling the water slide over your skin, the exciting difference between cold water and hot sunshine! And I can’t experience that again once I move there? And why is it perfectly acceptable for the movie star’s and singers to run around half naked? Why do they get to wear whatever pleases them and the normal, average, every day girl cannot?

    At first, I thought….well I don’t want to bring shame on my husband or have people thinking I’m a loose or fast girl western girl. But then I thought, that is buying into what is already tying women down there. We do not need a moral brigade or moral police to tell us what to do! That is the whole premise behind morals…they are our internal guidance system.

    So now, I think I will wear my skirted bathing suit. It’s modest and has a tennis like skirt for the bottom (along with undies). And if it makes anyone blush…then good. It’s time that people got involved and stop brushing the dirt under the carpet!

    And to anyone wondering how changing what a girl wears (or is forced to wear or NOT wear) can change anything with regards to women’s rights…let me point on one thing that happened in the United States.

    Taken from Wikipedia – History of Bra’s

    In the late 1960s, some of the emblems of femininity became targets of feminist activism. Feminists charged that these objects, typified as patriarchal, reduced women to the status of sex objects. Some women publicly disavowed bras in an anti-sexist act of female liberation.

    When Germaine Greer stated that “Bras are a ludicrous invention,” her statement resonated with many women who had been questioning the role of the bra. Pivotal in popular bra culture is a now-notorious protest against the 1968 Miss America beauty pageant,[23] seen as an oppression of women. About 400 women from the New York Radical Women were involved in a demonstration at the Atlantic City Convention Hall shortly after the Democratic National Convention. [24] [25] Protesters saw the pageant and its symbols as an oppression of women (because of its emphasis on an arbitrary standard of beauty, and its elevation of its choice of the “most beautiful girl in America” to a pedestal for public worship and commercial exploitation). On September 7, 1968, a “Freedom Trash Can” was placed on the ground, and filled with bras, high-heeled shoes, false eyelashes, girdles, curlers, hairspray, makeup, corsets, magazines (such as Playboy), and other items thought to be “instruments of torture,”[26] accoutrements of enforced femininity. Someone suggested lighting a fire, but a permit could not be obtained, and so (contrary to the subsequent urban legend) there was no burning, nor did anyone take off her bra.

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  46. I can’t believe what I am reading and these people are gossiping about her rather than helping her. And her brother is even watching whilst her pregnant sister gets beat. What kind of world are we living in? I’d kill the b*****d if that was happening to anyone I knew.

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