“Ask your father if he has never beaten your mother!” Please adjust.

“You have to adjust….”  Karnataka high court told a victim of domestic violence.

I don’t quite understand this. Don’t we have a laws that makes Domestic violence and cruelty a crime?

“Ask your father if he has never beaten your mother!”

So do most Indian fathers beat their wives? And somehow that is not only acceptable, but can also be used as an example for their daughters and sons in law to follow.

“I know you have undergone pain. But that is nothing in front of what you undergo as a woman.”

What is this even supposed to mean? What is it that women undergo that makes Domestic Violence seem like ‘nothing’?

Women suffer in all marriages.

Is the 28 year old wife supposed to believe this? And even if she does believe that many other Indian marriages are miserable, why should she see that a a reason to be unhappy too?

Link shared by Harjot Kaur.

HC judge tells abused wife to ‘adjust’

Women suffer in all marriages.

You are married with two children and know what it means to suffer as a woman. Why are you still talking about his beatings? I know you have undergone pain. But that is nothing in front of what you undergo as a woman. I have not undergone such pain. But madam (Justice BS Indrakala) has.”

The court asked the woman if her parents were present, at which her father walked up to the bench. The judge remarked, “Ask your father if he has never beaten your mother!” When the woman’s advocate produced photographs showing her swollen face, the court said, “You have to adjust.

There is nothing in your case to argue on merits. Have you read about actor Darshan. He spent 30 days in jail after beating his wife. But they are living
together now.”

The case was to be heard again in the afternoon, but was adjourned to a later date.

Related Posts:

Are His Judgements Justified? – Tvaraj

Be a wife like Sita, wear a sari but don’t get abducted.

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

An email from a daughter whose mother endured everything because she did not want to ruin her daughters’ lives.

I could not sing after my marriage and I am really sad about it, but women have to ‘adjust’ to see their family happy…

Bhagwad shared a link to this article in Deccan Herald. This article and thousands more like this one are a real indication of what getting married means to millions of Indian women.

How does the society get away with this?

1. By raising women to believe that their only duty and goal in life is to Get Married and Stay Married.

2. By creating Divorce Myths.

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Is it surprising that a society which sees giving up their dreams and happiness in the name of ‘adjustment’ as the only possible future for daughters prefers to have sons?

Let me quote from the article,

“…everyone knows someone who is either going through a troubled marriage and considering separation; …Sometimes, for the most frivolous reasons including bizarre ones like TV channels being changed very frequently by the husband!!

Even the government, for a change, seems to be taking the popular path and making life simpler for those seeking to go their separate ways!

Pratima Gupta, an eminent HC advocate and a mother of two, who addresses cases of divorce among others says, “Divorce rates have gone up because women don’t want to ‘adjust’ in a marriage anymore.  The problem is compounded because ‘I, me and myself’ is taking precedence over everything else. Compromise is a big word. If the grounds on which they want a divorce are trivial, I always ask them to reconsider.”

As a woman, Pratima has adjusted her career and home in 18 years of marriage even though the decision didn’t come easy. “For me,” she states emphatically, “its not a compromise. I enjoy taking care of my family and children. It was a conscious decision to work and manage family simultaneously.”

Mamta Saha who left her singing career to take care of her family. “I have been married for 30 years. I could not sing after my marriage and I am really sad about it, but women have to ‘adjust’ to see their family happy and take the decision in the right spirit.”

There are others too for whom the decision to keep ‘self’ on the back burner has not been easy but they have ‘adjusted’ and are still raring to go back to lives of their own – albeit while staying in their marriages. Madhu Mahajan, an entrepreneur who had a thriving career in garment export put it aside to take care of her children. “I was really happy and content in my job. In fact, I was on top of the world but then marriage happened! My husband wanted me to continue working but my mother-in-law had issues and so, I prioritised and adjusted my life to bring up my children. But now that they are grown-up, I want to start working again.”

The key to remaining in a marriage and living your life simultaneously has to be worked out by the woman, and ‘compromise’ or ‘adjust’ needn’t be projected as villains in the everyday play of married life.”

I agree with Bhagwad,

Bhagwad: Does anyone else notice that all the examples in this article involve only the women who have to “adjust” or “compromise”?

Unless the men start compromising their lifestyle as well, no equality is possible. Divorce in this case is a good thing and the rising divorce rates is a sign for hope.

Related posts:

Divorces for trivial reasons?
Response and a Question from the Anonymous Indian Liberated Wife
An email: “Through your blog I want to understand if I have taken the right decision and see what’s the next course of action.”
An email: “But my parents, fearing the society and their reputation begged him to take me back.”
Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?
When she says she no longer wishes to stay with him, why isn’t her word enough?
Not Perfect Enough for Mr Perfect?

And more on how women are expected to ‘adjust’…

Do you think this video can make Indian parents want to have daughters?
No Jeans For an Indian Daughter In Law
What would you not change for love?
Overheard at a Beauty Parlour
To An Anonymous Daughter In Law
How important is it for a girl to get married?
Feminism has gone to women’s heads. Divorce has become like selling onions.
Can’t end marriage over a sari.
Is marriage an overrated institution?? – Shail
New women in old marriages - Careless Chronicles
Why marry? – Careless Chronicles
How to be a Sanskari Bahu – Careless Chronicles
Why is the divorce rate increasing? – Nita
Why does a woman need a man? – Usha
My Dreams Are More Precious Than Yours?
instead of being happier, women today seem to be leading more stressful lives.

Obedient Wives’ Clubs: Insulting to both men and women?

If he needs sex, obey him. “You must satisfy your husband. A good wife should be a whore in bed,” (A tip for club members to prevent husbands from straying.)

And to imagine this coming from Rohaya Mohamad a 46-year-old doctor, whose husband has three other wives, not an average woman’s idea of a successful or happy marriage.

KUALA LUMPUR (AFP) – A group of Malaysian women launched an “Obedient Wife Club” on Saturday, urging members to be “whores in bed” and obey their husbands to curb social ills like divorce and domestic violence.

Shouldn’t women instead be informed that the only thing that prevents them from finding real life-partners for themselves (instead of those who marry them to curb social ills like prostitution), is their social conditioning?

Thankfully,

The club has come under criticism from Malaysian women’s groups who say the onus on keeping a family together is being unfairly placed on women.

With obedience comes submission, which may lead to domestic violence and marital rape,” Women’s Aid Organisation head Ivy Josiah told AFP.

We should really be forming equality in marriage clubs,” she added. [Click to read more]

I googled to read more reactions,

It turns out, the secret to a happy union is to let your husband have sex with you whenever he wants. If your marriage is sad or fraught with strife, simply fuck your way out. How novel.

This view is insulting to both men and women, and it’s not limited exclusively to countries with more strongly religious populations. It’s sadly pervasive in American society as well. [Click to read the article at Jezebel]

Picture of two members of Obedient Wives’ Club with their husband and children  linked to Jezebel

For Indian women (and their divorce rates), we have ‘Manju Sanskar Kendra‘ in Bhopal, where girls, often teenagers, are taught to ‘adjust properly‘ since ‘families are breaking up because girls nowadays have too much ego‘.

Hemnani says he was open to taking classes for men and their mothers too (Not fathers?) but there was no response. Maybe they didn’t want to know what caused tuberculosis?

The head of this institution (who, surprise, surprise is a man) has authored books on this topic “ Grahasth Mein Vyavaharik Jeevan (Practical Married Life) for one. For the uninitiated, this book scatters many pearls of wisdom, such as too much sex is the cause of diabetes and tuberculosis among men.[Click to read]

Here’s a letter from an Indian woman who is eager to join Manju Sanskar Kendra in Bhopal because she confesses she, started getting all bad, bad thoughts about Bill (her fiance) – I tried, I really tried to control myself but you must remember that I did not have the benefit of attending your school then… :)

Does the fact that such schools have limited takers and face derision shows we have started putting common sense above old habits (euphemistically called traditions)?