Sat, 2nd Oct 2010
A friend called last evening. She was sobbing. She asked how I was. She said she read Tejaswee’s ‘A letter to the future‘ for the first time today… She excused herself to blow her nose and then again asked how I was. I remembered, when she had called the first time, she had said she had been scared of calling me and how much better she felt after speaking to me and then she had broken down herself. (I blogged about her once long ago.)
She said Tejaswee was just like me. I told her the likeness had bothered me sometimes, specially because recently we often said the same things together, like, “Isn’t it too hot for this time of the year…” or, “I think we should change these curtains…” and then she used to laugh and accuse me of ‘stealing/reading her thoughts‘. It was almost too much and it troubled me – maybe it made me superstitious in some way. It wasn’t just an odd time – but many times during a day. It had become very frequent lately…
Oct 3, 5 12 am
Last evening we walked down to a neighbourhood mall to buy a hard drive and to have dinner. Son, who finds evenings the most difficult time of the day, started asking his angry, tearful questions.
“What would have happened if I had not seen her in the ICU that day…?“
“Why did someone like her have to die …?“
“I don’t think it is good enough that I had 18 great years with her… why are people even born if they have to die so young…?“
Having no other answers, my sister in law and I told him the story of Ganga drowning her seven children (from Mahabharata). We also told him stories from ‘Forever Ours: Real Stories of Immortality and Living from a Forensic Pathologist – Janis Amatuzio. I found this book very comforting – thanks for recommending it Shree. I had read, long ago about similar experiences in Reader’s Digest… wonder how many of us – if any, have had such experiences.
At home Gabbar Singh (Proton) senses immediately if I cry, he pushes himself close to me – and he too cries (softly moans)… How much does he understand?
We had these games, where I ask him to “Find Tejaswee! Where’s Tejaswee gone?“, where she hid behind a door or in another part of the house and he used to sniff the floor and the air, to excitedly look for her and locate her. There was much excitement and celebration, wagging and rolling on his back to celebrate the moment of ‘finding‘ her.
The dogs also rushed to the balcony every morning to enthusiastically ‘Say bye-bye to Tejaswee‘ when she left for college.
Here she was playing peek a boo with him this winter…
What is the best way to preserve digital images? I am thinking of storing all her pictures and videos in a single, new hard drive, I have heard that digital images are damaged with time, and CDs and DVDs are a better way to store them. Is that true?
Oct 4, Mon. 6: 05 am
Life now seems to be divided between easy and difficult days. On easy days I can hope, read, eat, think, sleep, talk and maybe even smile politely.
On difficult days everything seems meaningless. Now I look for ways to avoid triggers that cause difficult days… any changes are difficult. Being alone is very difficult. Coming unexpectedly across a scrap of paper with something written in a familiar handwriting in intensely painful on difficult days. Some parts of my brain seem to forget that no such new scraps will ever be created or else why does it hurt so much to find them? The brain might require to find countless such moments and memories to register this…
The thought that the kind of day I am going to have is not really in my control was frightening. I sensed this morning was going to be difficult – and decided to focus on making it easy. So I plan to write emails and posts and read up some more about how to stay positive. Recommendations for books and movies are also welcome. One of the recommendations is Saransh – I hope to watch it soon.