An email: “He got very aggressive and even started pulling the loosened muscles of my abdomen (post preg) very hard”

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

I am a regular reader of your blog, it has given me enough courage to stand up for my rights as a person, but it took a long time for me to contact you.

I am a 29-year-old woman, married to a very traditional expatriate. He is a perfect patriarch who is just the opposite of my beliefs. My parents have given me a good education and helped me in becoming independent and confident. I am working in IT field. After 2-1/2 years of married life, I am at a point in life where I am contemplating divorce. Even though we were just the opposite in everything, he loved me or at least made me believe he loved me very much. We have a 1-year-old kid now. Before my marriage, I told my husband that I would be supporting my parents even after marriage. He agreed to everything then. But things started changing slowly. I know I have my own shortcomings, I am short-tempered and cant stand anything that does not make sense.

My husband is a very unstable person, he never sticks to his job for more than a month or two. This issue gave me a lot of stress while we were living together. I am not sure if it is a matter of his competency. He had asked money from my dad in the situations of crisis and when my father told him the amounts he asked was beyond his ability to give, he started to talk ill about my dad in front of me and stopped talking to my dad.

My mother had come to our home abroad to be with me during my delivery. He verbally abused her when she supported my father (again the issue was finance). This can be considered as a main issue that caused a split in our relation. My in-laws never took this issue seriously when we talked about this to them.

When I came back to India after delivery (i was on maternity leave), I stayed in my parent’s home and this was the first chance for my in-laws to see my baby, but even then only my FIL came for the naming ceremony (28th day). On one of the last days of my vacation, my husband called me and apologized to me and told me we could start everything once again and we could be happy as before. He told me to leave our baby with my parents for 2 weeks and by the time, he will make arrangements for baby’s visa. I believed him and went back leaving my baby (then 3 months) with my parents. He even told me don’t worry “many babies lose their mothers during childbirth, our child is luckier than them.” I treated those words only as rubbish then. But the 2 weeks extended to 1-1/2 months and still he could not make any arrangements to take my baby back even though we got the visa. Because neither my mother nor mine was willing to come to us. So, I resigned and came back.

During the last month, he physically abused me a lot. He made allegations of me having an affair with someone and did not even mind to clarify that with me. I tried my best to stop him that day, but he got very aggressive and even started pulling the loosened muscles of my abdomen (post preg) very hard, I even thought my surgical sutures will be broken and I will die. I cant express the pain I went through that day in words. Then, I called my family and they told me to come back as soon as possible and until the last day, avoid any such situation and after coming back, we will think about the next step.

I should mention that my very caring in-laws did not find it necessary to come and see my baby who was in my parents’ care for 1-1/2 months. When I was about to come back, my FIL told me he has decided that we (me and my baby) will stay with them like all the good DILs. I told him I am not interested in such an option as my place of work is near to my parents’ home and I will stay with them. Then, he told me “you are not going to work after coming back.” I did not agree to that too.

After coming back, I joined my previous company and still I am working with them. After 2 months, my husband too came back after losing his job. On the day of his return, he and my MIL who till then never visited my baby came to my home to take us with them. I said it is okay for me to stay with them for a few days, but I wanted to know the correct date of my return. For this, she started abusing me. “You and your job, we have no benefit from it. Why did you chose to marry my son, we are financially well above you.” Then started abusing my father in front of me and my family. when I raised my voice against her, my husband rushed to me and pulled at my hair and somehow kept my head between his knees and started squeezing my knees. Then, my father came and pushed him away. My uncle was also there and he too joined my father. Then, my husband turned his anger on my father and uncle, he hit them with his hands. Then, we called police and the mother-son duo ran away from there.

Then, the biggest mistake ever. I compromised with him after 2 weeks and everything went back to “normal.” He even stayed with me at my home all those days after coming back from his home till he went back for another job. His father again started creating issues. I told him I cant travel such a long distance (our houses are in different districts) each weekend with such a small kid. He told his son about this and my husband started calling me names over the phone and even through SMS.

Once I took leave from my company and went and stayed there for 2 days, but it was not enough to satisfy my in-laws. When I was about to make my return, my FIL and MIL told me if you are going today “you should never enter our home again.” To which I could only respond “dont threaten me with these words as I am your son’s legally-wedded wife and I have every right to be here whenever I wish. Anyway, I am not going to come back after such an insult” and left the place.

Then, the worse of all. My FIL sent me a legal notice in my husband’s name threatening me “If i did not go back to their house in 7 days, they will start the procedure for divorce.” To which my father consulted a lawyer and sent an answer back. My lawyer clearly stated everything including the physical abuse, sexual abuse and the police case, told them that I am not interested in divorce and if they are to proceed with it anyway, they have to give me Rs. 50 lakhs as alimony including the compensation for my sufferings, my child’s maintenance and the gold I had taken with me during my marriage. To that notice, they never responded till this day.

After 5 months, I called my husband and told him, I am ready to start a new life just for my baby if he too wishes that. He said he always wanted it and I am the one who took every happiness from him. Then, he started calling me everyday and even told me to look for a new home in my place so that we three can live together. Then something happened, I am really not sure what the reason is, he called one evening and started to talk in his old way and the name callings. He even called my father and called him every bad names. I could not take it anymore and I told him, now it is the end of everything and I am certainly going for a divorce.

Last week, my brother-in-law called me and requested me to think about a compromise. I told him, I am not going to come back and I am thinking of starting the procedures. The very next day, my husband called me and told me he is ready for a compromise and he cant leave without his wife and kid. I answered in negative and did not answer his calls after that.

What I want to know is if I am doing the right thing? Please give me your opinion on this. Do you think my marriage is worth saving? I hope you will let me know your mind after reading this. I know this is a pretty long mail, but please find time to read this.

Love and Regards,

Confused.

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70 thoughts on “An email: “He got very aggressive and even started pulling the loosened muscles of my abdomen (post preg) very hard”

  1. “Run fast, Run Far”

    You need to distance your self from him and his family ASAP. The abuse is being born not just by you, but your family too. Imagine what your child may have to go through.

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    • Going a bit on a tangent. Why is every comment on this post being disliked? Loser trolls or self-proclaimed culture police (read: patriarchs)?

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      • The return of the trolls. This had happened sometime ago when some people had gone on a downvoting spree.

        Very few of them actually post comments here when they disagree and share their patriarchal views. I don’t agree with their views, but I appreciate that instead of anonymous downvoting they are at least speaking out.

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      • There is “serial comment disliker” who occasionally prowls around and occasionally camps on this blog site.

        Laugh it off and simply ignore him/her.
        He/she soon gets tired and leaves probably seeking new pastures, and then returns here. Where else will he/she find comments like these to thumb down in sheer frustration?

        Some time ago I had written about the “mystery lift button pusher” in our apartment complex.
        Ours is a thirteen storeyed building.
        Residents entering the lift would often wonder at the buttons of each and every floor pressed and glowing in red and the lift would then stop at each floor even though there was no one to enter and no one to exit at many intermediate floors. The acute frustration of busy residents can well be imagined . A one minute lift ride from bottom to top for fresh entrants to the lift on the ground floor would extend to five frustrating minutes.

        We finally caught the culprit!!
        It was a housewife, who most innocently used the lift buttons to teach her primary school kid, elementary adding of numbers while she escorted her kid to the gate in the morning where the school bus would pick up this kid. While in the lift she would call out numbers for the kid to press , and the kid would then add them using his fingers and would then press the lift button that corresponded to the answer, while the proud mother watched with glee!

        Another naughty kid was caught sticking used chewing gum on the lift buttons.

        There are all types of characters populating blogosphere.
        Just wait and watch, while this comment too invites this troll’s wrath.

        Regards
        GV

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        • Hey GV,
          Not the right forum to be discussing the elevator issue but thought this might be helpful so here goes: You could use the ‘Cancel/Stop’ button to reset an already programmed elevator to ignore the earlier commands and thus prevent it from stopping at each floor.

          Hope people will forgive me for posting this irrelevant suggestion! :D

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        • I remember the last time there was a comment down voting spree it was because some of the comments were really harsh comped to the situation, and many commenters felt that way, including me. This slime, though, I have no idea.

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  2. Dear letter writer,
    you have tried everything that could save a marriage. You trusted him and left an infant behind ,only to be betrayed. You went through emotional abuse , physical abuse .Demand of money was always there from his side. Tell me one thing that you believe is ‘normal’ in him which qualifies him as a good person ,let alone husband?
    He has shown violent streak in him , pl pl don’t trust him anymore. What if this trend turns towards your child?
    If you ask ,” Is your marriage worth saving ” : the answer is NO ! No marriage in which violence, dowry , abuse has crept in is worth saving.
    Lucky you , to have a job and supportive parents. I must say ,its a good riddance. Get your self off the hook emotionally from this marriage. It will leave you feel emotionally exhausted.

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  3. Just based on the fact that he physically and sexually abused you – he is not worthy of being a husband to you and a father to your child. His toxic personality will cause more harm to you and your child, if you continue to adjust to his mercurial behavior.

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  4. Having read about his unstable behavior in his personal and professional life, I do not think you should ever think of a compromise again. He’s not the kind that can ever become “Normal”. Don’t take chances with the baby around. It’ll not be a sane decision.

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  5. No. It is not worth it. get that divorce as soon as you possibly can!
    And what you said “I know I have my own shortcomings, I cant stand anything that does not make sense.” is not a shortcoming at ALL!

    If something does not make sense, you shouldn’t stand for it!

    There is NO use giving yet another chance to these people. LEAVE! You will be much happier and so will your baby!

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  6. This is the first time I’m commenting on this blog. I usually refrain from advising unless I’m very sure. I was moved after reading your mail and I strongly, strongly advise you to NEVER get back with him again. Please think about it – Life with such a person is like an everyday terror – You really want to go through that for your whole life? He sounds like a typical abuser and sounds very violent, unpredictable and temperamental – You don’t know what he’ll inflict on you again. Why are you even considering getting back with him? You’re independent and stable (emotionally and financially) and have supportive, sensible parents. What are you expecting from him? He has got nothing to offer – He’s not even financially stable – All he has given you is abuse (physical, verbal and emotional) to you and your family. He even attacked your father who is twice his age – He has no respect for you and your family – Please understand that this is not called love.
    He doesn’t even care about your baby – You yourself mentioned that he and his family never bothered about your baby. What do you think he’ll do even if you start afresh now? All he’s going to do is use the baby as a shield to control you now (please realize that he has no real emotional attachment with anyone including your baby) and squeeze more money out of you and your family. He hasn’t hesitated in attacking you and your father violently – What is the guarantee that he’ll not attack your baby in a fit of rage if you live with him? Please think – your baby will have a much more safer, brighter future with you and your family who will offer much better security than the horrors your husband and in-laws are going to impose. Your in-laws are opposed to you working – Do you think your baby would benefit from growing up in such a narrow-minded, violent, insane and insecure environment?
    You should get legally separated from him – Proceed with your legal notice of compensation. It’s not safe for your husband to have legal rights to your baby’s custody. Break all direct contacts with your in-laws and husband and communicate only through your lawyer and legal notice. It’s not safe to deal with them in person. I know it’s sometimes hard to look at the people we’ve moved with closely as dangerous but don’t let that blind you – think rationally. Also, read these posts about abusive relationships – You should accept that your husband is not normal and is a violent abuser first:

    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/cycle-of-violence/

    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/signs-of-an-abuser/

    P.S: Sorry for the long reply IHM

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  7. You are doing the right thing, please do NOT go back to this man, for yourself , your happiness, and that of your child.

    When I got divorced , everyone told me repeatedly to give the marriage another last chance (after maybe 6 previous ‘last’ chances). They said ‘compromise because all marriages are about compromise’ (though usually only for the woman) , they said I was ‘ziddi’ and had ‘headweight’ , they said that no man could possibly live with me, they said that one day I might regret it…. In my opinion , the hardest part of the divorce was convincing OTHER people that this was the thing I needed to do!!!!
    But I knew this was the right thing for me .. I went ahead and got one anyway. Every single day since the divorce was final, I have gone to sleep happy and woken up stress-free, and grateful for not letting myself be talked out of it.

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      • Exactly, who are these heartless, spineless readers who are down voting all the comments abovr that recommends a divorce? Who are these people who will condone physical and emotional violence suffered by this woman just to stay married?

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    • LOL @ “, the hardest part of the divorce was convincing OTHER people that this was the thing I needed to do!!!!”
      I faced the same problem! The dialogues ranged from “Marriage IS compromise”, “Fights happen in every marriage” (because they all assumed that the only reason a person would want a divorce is because they fought too much), and the icing on the cake? “Did he hit you? Look, even if he hit you once or twice, it’s OK! It’s understandable, these things happen”

      @ the letter writer…. I am only sad you stayed with him for so long and suffered so much. You are definitely doing the right thing. This person is hurting you PHYSICALLY, emotionally, sexually….. What is left in this marriage? what are you getting out of it?

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  8. dumb wife , stayed so long , compromised at every possible stage for whatever reason. now you want advise <> as if you would heed to the words of blog visitors. for all we know one sweet talk from your husband would suffice , u will return to his house.

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    • I doubt that this woman needs any more tough love. She has already been tough enough with herself. Let’s be more supportive and use encouraging words, shall we?

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    • You can think what you wish, but there is really no reason to be so rude. You know nothing of the woman and her situation, nor do you understand what abused individuals go through and why they stay in marriages and relationships like these. Do you really want to pass judgement on things you clearly have no understanding about?

      It’s easy to stand outside a situation and loudly expand upon all the things that you would have done in the situation. But one does not really know what they would have done unless they were placed in the shoes of the person. Although, usually people like yourself who are so quick to judge don’t even try to be kind or sympathetic–next thing you know, you’ll probably start talking about how the husband and his family are so put upon, how difficult it must be for him that his wife and child are leaving him (and his fists).

      [Also, for future reference, before you wish to make a comment calling someone “dumb” and being so inexplicably rude, please take this quote to heart: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” Thank you. :) ]

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      • The comment above might have been rude, but he has a point. What exactly is this person trying to save? I did not put up any comment as I am not sure what she is waiting for – a miracle? Right from day one, the husband was an asshole. I am not sure what she is expecting from him, or what advice she wants from us. It’s pretty apparent he is abusive, even to her. It’s up to her to decide whether or not to go ahead with it.

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        • Hey Fem… I used to think like you. “why didnt she leave at the first slap” was my question too. I used to feel less compassionate and more impatient. Victims I knw include highly intelligent girls with high-scale jobs and firebrand personality.
          After dealing with plenty of domestic violence victims (from NGO I volunteer) and friends who’ve been abused by their partners, I think these partner dynamics are way beyond me to pass a judgment.

          But seriously, what happens (changes) when they get in a rel/marriage)?
          Abuse start sooo slow and subtle that its not even noticed by the victim. Shes slowly cut off from her family/friends. She made to doubt herself and so on.
          Abuser’s jekyll-hyde mode is enough to unsettle any independent intelligent woman. Then of course the way we’re taught to see marriage as an ‘all-thing” no matter what! Not to mention the constant chant of ‘compromise’ all the time.

          Even after taking the right decision they need constant reassurance (may be becs of ppl talking). So may be shes jus seeking that.

          I havent experienced all this personally bcz a serious heart-soul rel hasnt happened to me yet. Even my friends who wr victims couldnt give me a logical answer why they put up with abuse. I really dont know what aspect of rel.ship makes you soo blind to phys/verbal/mental abuse. But its happening often enough. Compassion and empathy can go a long way and it doesnt cost us much na :D

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        • @Nidaa, I see what you are trying to say, but I’m not so sure it’s applicable here- it’s really quite apparent that the OP knows his behaviour is unacceptable, and far from putting up with it she’s made multiple attempts to get out and start afresh. The ‘relapses’ occur when the husband changes tack and asks her to reconsider. She keeps forgiving, believing to some extent that the situation is salvalgeable, and then the whole cycle repeats itself.
          There’s SUCH a clear pattern, even in this email. Not ONCE has she actually tried to make it work of her own volition- and rightly so- so the key, IMHO , is to make her realise that there are certain points on this cycle when she’s vulnerable to the entreaties made by her husband- and to focus on those points. The rest of the time, she comes across as someone who knows she wants to remain separated.

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        • Nidaa,

          I totally get your point. But this isn’t a case of slow and subtle abuse. The woman knows it is abuse, and she knows she wants to separate. I understand her need for validation because that is an inner need of human beings. What I do not understand is why she is asking us if the marriage is worth saving, as if it’s something she is considering. If she is in spite of knowing her husband will not give her any peace and that he is just plain WRONG, then no one can help her, imo. I’ve seen this behaviour in some of my friends too. They KNOW they shouldn’t put up with it, but they do for reasons of family, security, money, property, etc. It’s their call, and frankly, such people frustrate me. They are abuse enablers, and I am not victim blaming here. These are women who are being given every support.

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        • Fem, I understand your point, cos you think it should be OBVIOUS that anyone in such an openly abusive situation should leave their spouse.
          But reality is a lot different and there are SO many aspects people think of before leaving a spouse in Indian society. The stigma of being divorced that they have to face from society, the IDEA of being divorced (cos the victims probably carry that stigma in their heads as well), the hope that things might get better, the idea that they need to suffer through this for the sake of kids or family honour or izzat or whatever.

          I have a friend of mine who took YEARS to make the decision to leave her abusive husband. All you can do in this situation is be patient with them, and be supportive no matter what they decide to do, cos the decision needs to be made by them. It is not an easy decision to make, esp when there are kids involved, and you will be bound by that connection no matter how much you sever those ties legally.

          This poor lady clearly wants validation cos her world is not giving it to her. And abusing someone in that situation will be not help her in any way.

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      • The answer to why victims stay, allow themselves to remain victims, or second guess themselves is that we are all simply human. We all have our strengths, but we also all have our weaknesses. It is these weaknesses that abusers find and exploit. The other thing that complicates understanding abusive relationships is that no two victims’ weaknesses are alike, because no two human beings are alike. We all have different things in our life that trip us up, and abusers are masters at finding these and exposing them constantly.

        This is also why it is so difficult for some, even me, to understand why smart, independent women would stay in abusive relationships. We often look at these people and think that they are the pillars of strength, but at the end of the day, they are also just human.

        The second thing is that victims often think that their situation is unique, that their circumstances are different. THEY’RE not like other abuse victims, because the person abusing them is different–they are not awful people, simply misunderstood. THEY’RE not cruel–just frustrated. THEY’RE not like all those other wife-beaters–they’re just going through a “rough patch”. THEY are different, they really are.

        We all think this way, because we all like to think that we know the people in our lives best. When we love someone, or think that someone cares for us, we often wear blinders to their behavior and excuse it. We have all done it, it’s simply that abuse victims are excusing much more heinous crimes that shouldn’t be excused.

        The third thing is that we have the advantage of having an outside, unbiased perspective. We do not have personal ties to the abuser, so our vision is clear from the other nuances of their personality and we can see that they are being abusive. Victims, however, are disadvantaged because they see so many shades to the abuser’s personality. Abusers are often kind and considerate between their periods of abuse, like what is happening with the emailer. It’s easy for us to look on from the outside and determine clearly that a person is being abusive for the long run, but the victim is seeing things from a completely different stand point all together. Failing to understand this is what causes so much criticism and backlash from the people on the outside. Abuse victims simply do not see things the same way we see them. The sooner people understand this the more you will see sympathy coming from the rest of us.

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        • @A, that is one of the best comments I have ever read. Really well put and rings so so true. Only someone who has been there will know it.

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  9. You’ve gone above and beyond what ANYONE would do in this situation. You’ve done your best to be kind and considerate, but in the face of such sheer stupidity, no one can stay that way for too long. You’re doing the right thing. If you still have doubts, please think of your child. Do you honestly want them to grow up in a household where the father sees leeway to treat you as badly as he wants? Do you really want them to look at you two for examples and see the type of relationship you have and decide that it is how they should treat any future partners?

    More importantly, think about how this will be good for you. Do you honestly want to live a life where you have to remain in fear of being abused, verbally threatened and put down? This is the man who tried to assault you in front of your parents. That already shows that he has ZERO boundaries. Think of what he might do now, if you went back to him, where you may not have the support that your parents give you?

    By serving you with a divorce notice, I think they were trying to threaten you with the notion of societal ruin. It clearly shows when they did not even respond to the notice you sent them. They probably did not anticipate that you might be serious and that divorce could get so expensive. They just want someone they can control and threaten into being quiet and submissive. You’ve shown that you’re not that, and now they’re scared, because the brunt of the situation will fall to them and not to you. They were in the wrong, after all.

    You’re doing the right then. When it comes to abuse, don’t ever second guess yourself. Ever.

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  10. I really don’t understand why women even ask what they should do after the husband has raised his hand at them. There is no compromise ever with a man who beats, never ever. No child needs a father in its life who hits the mother.

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    • “I really don’t understand why women even ask what they should do after the husband has raised his hand at them. There is no compromise ever with a man who beats, never ever.”

      This is worth framing and hanging up in a lot of public places!

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    • So well said, why would any women or her family ever compromise and stay married once a husband hits her (especially if she is working & not financially dependent)?
      Even a single slap is absolutely heinous domestic abuse and grounds for divorce. Why is this not drilled into hearts and minds of Indian women? Oh well this is exactly why India has such an honorable 1-2% divorce rate that everyone sings praises about.

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  11. What is left in your marriage that is worth saving?

    He has not provided you even an ounce of mental, emotional or financial security. Asks for money and physically abuses you and your family. Didn’t care for your baby. His temper and bipolar personality suggests he needs some psychiatric help. On top of it his parents expect you to leave your job and sit at home when their own son has not managed to stick to one job.
    From your letter it appears you have single-handedly managed to look after yourself, your baby, your parents and also your husband & his family. So you are better off without your abusive husband and in-laws. Divorce him!

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  12. I think you should run like the wind, for the physical and mental well-being of yourself and your child. You’re doing the right thing by leaving. Begin a new, better life free, one that is free of any sort of harm whatsoever. Good luck to you, OP.

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  13. Please please leave him as soon as possible.. Your baby and you will have better future without him. No doubts about it. You have done everything possible and given enough chances. How did you withstand a person hitting you so badly and talking non sence for such a long time??

    Divorce procedure may take its time but once you decide about stepping ahead..you will feel better.
    People with this sort of unstable mind should not get into relationships. They are curse on mankind. One of my close friend is deeling with similar problem. Her husband initiated the divorce after treating her hopelessly. She litterally had to escape from his house to save her’s and her son’s (1 year old then) life. Niether he nor his parents bothered to see my friend nor her son after that. Instead sent a divorce notice….The worst part is after 3 – 4 hearings, he stopped coming to court and my friend used to apply leave and wait for the court proceedings on those particular dates. After some time, she got to know that he has taken the case back. Since then,there is no news from his side.

    I dont want to scare you but just want you to know that my friend has been independently bringing up her son. She lives with her parents who initially did not suport her as she had a younger sister of marriagable age. But now everything has fallen in place and my friend has atleast a better state of mind.

    You seem to be a confident lady with lots of potential in you. All the best and may god bless you .

    Regards,
    Bliss

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  14. What I want to know is if I am doing the right thing? – Of course, do not put up with a an abusive person – what if he throws your baby on the floor tom & stamps the baby?

    Do you think my marriage is worth saving? – No abusive marriage with an emotionally volatile, uncaring, unpredicatable, abusive person is worth saving.

    You are in a good position – you have a job, you have your family, stay away from this man and get things done through a lawyer, do not be in contact with anyone and do not fall for their pleas.

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  15. Sorry to hear this story and all the abuse you have been through. You have shown a lot of strength and a good deal of courage and have given him the benefit of the doubt often enough. Your family is supportive and you have a job. Now it’s time to get a life. Divorce would be a way out of hell in this case. That’s what I think. But it’s you who has to make that decision. Good luck.

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  16. Leave him. He would be dangerous to live with. A man who gets violent and hits out at his wife is NEVER worth living with. For it shows the kind of man he is. The fact that he disrespects you and in unable to control his temper and feelings. A dangerous person to have around. If he could physically abuse you once, he will do it again. His family obviously do not care for your child. If they did, they would have visited the baby or expressed a desire to spend time with her (I presume it is a female baby, though I do not recall you having said so in your mail). I might be wrong, but if the baby would have been a boy, your in-laws and your husband would not want to break away so easily.

    You can look after yourself and your child. Think, of the peaceful life you will have without your husband and his uncaring parents. You are better off without them. And so is your child.Abusive relationships should end. Living with them will only give you more pain.

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  17. Pingback: Are all marriages mere compromises? | Dew Drops

  18. Leave now. Don’t walk, RUN from him.

    Once a man hits you, there is really only one way to go. You don’t want to wait until the violence kills you. You have rightly identified the biggest mistake so far as going back to him, please stop now while you can. This is man sounds dangerous and insincere, I would not believe a word he says. People who are asking you to reconsider need to be ashamed of putting you in danger and mind their own business really. I would probably say this to them, if I was you.

    As someone else said, not being able to stand nonsense is not a fault at all. Trust your inner compass.

    Sending lots of strength and hugs to you.

    Like

  19. He is so unstable and so harmful for your kid. Thank god you have supportive parents, you are doing absolutely right. Get rid of him and his family as soon as possible. There has to be no doubt, vanish him from your life before he starts troubling your son. You have a job, a kid and supportive parents, starting over would be much more easier than compromising and living a life of humility and uncertainties.

    Like

  20. Dear Letter Writer

    Hugs Hugs and more hugs. We understand the problems that you are going through and the dilemma you are in. It is not easy to get our of a marriage especially an abusive one in a society like India where “It’s ok beta we women have to compromise” attitude is prevalent.

    I think you need to sit down and decide what you want to do and what you expect from this marriage if you still expect anything at all. You maybe thinking what will society say and you probably don’t want your child to grow up without a father.

    But stop for a minute and sit down. And think about 2 things:

    1) Your child – What sort of an atmosphere is your kid growing up in? Is it healthy for him/her to see the way the father treats you? Are they growing up to be a well balanced individual in such a dysfunctional family where their father not only hits their mom but also her parents? Think of the mental well being of your child. The father and his family have shown no love towards the kid. Do you really think they would care now if you make a compromise and go back.

    2) Yourself – What about you? Aren’t you a human being? Don’t you deserve a change for happiness and forget about everything don’t you deserve respect for being a woman, being the mother of his child. As someone said do you want to be with a man who hits his child’s mother?
    Is this ok for your mental well being? How long will you carry on? Don’t you have a limit that he has crossed several times.

    Please stop compromising for the sake of family, your child and the society. The society does not give a shit. the parents I am sorry will not be there forever and your child will grow up and move on and have his own life. But you will be stuck in this loveless abusive marriage hoping for things to change and compromising everytime that things don’t.

    As they say if you fool me once you are a fool, if you fool me twice I am a fool. Same goes for your husband. He hit you one you forgave him, he hit you twice and you still did. Now that you will go back he will know it is ok to treat you like shit because you always come back for more.

    So please STOP, take a breathe and DO NOT COMPROMISE. You have one life, LIVE it for yourself sister, just yourself.

    Like

  21. He needs theraphy, counselling and a good dr. and lots of remedial behavior therapy since you are neither , leave him.
    If someone hits you , abuses you adn your loved ones and time and time again you forgive them it’s not called compromise.
    Why all the drama. File divorce, walk away, cut all contact and live stress free and happy.
    I’m sure your parents have told you the exact same thing, if not they need too .
    Im very surprised your parents allowed himto live intheir place after he abused them and physically assaulted them!!!! why?
    If my SIl or DIL ever abused me let alone laid a finger on me or m spouse that would be the last day They saw our face , let alone live in our house and eat our food. to hell with relationships.

    relationships are supposed to empower you, make you stringer provide comfort and support, what you have in no way qualifies as one.
    leave and be done with it.

    Like

  22. *Tight Hugs* dear letter writer.

    From your email the one thing that has struck me, is that being a parent you are defying every evidence of violent, irresponsible, highly abusive behaviour on part of your husband and in-laws in an attempt to ‘magically’ change everything to normal. Unfortunately, that isn’t helping and is in fact the cause of added misery for everyone at your end. I believe, all victims of violence at some point of time go through such doubts and seek confirmation from people unrelated to them.

    Having said that, I can only echo the thoughts of all the commenters before me,
    “Please Run as fast as you can & don’t ever look back or doubt your decision to leave him ever again!!”

    Like

  23. After all that she has been through, I dont think she needs to even ask this question. The man needs serious medical help, the lady needs to get out of this relationship rightaway and work towards a secure life for her son and herself afresh. Period.

    Like

  24. You have undergone so much. I am no one to suggest you but If I empathise,I feel like “Hell leave him”. He is not worthy of You .Its impossible to put up with person who is neither stable to love nor to hate. Its better leave him with himself so that your son can have a better future.Its not about only you, there is a little life dependant on You and with the given scenario I feel You are in better position to raise him.

    Like

  25. I have an insensitive, somewhat unrelated, but honest question here. I’m trying to understand how such matches are made in the first place.

    Before marriage, wouldn’t it be possible to learn that the guy was changing his job every 2 months? That sounds like a serious personality disorder to me. Wouldn’t it be possible to ask colleagues, college mates, neighbors, somebody who’s met him someplace, common friends on Facebook?

    And he sounds like the kind of guy who has 2 loser friends who think and behave just like him.

    Like

  26. No, the marriage is certainly not worth saving. What is there to save? Your husband has proved again and again that he is neither good husband material nor good father material. So why do you even need him in your life?

    Your husband shows all classic signs of an abuser. No matter how many honeyed words he puts in your ears, he will not change. Please do not place your child in a toxic home environment.

    Walking away from a marriage is far easier said than done. But, in your case, I truly cannot see any plus point which could give you confusion regarding whether you are taking the right decision in not giving your marriage any more chances.

    Be strong, be brave, hold your ground and know that you and your child can and will survive and thrive without your husband. All the best!

    Like

  27. When you divorce him (as you should), make sure he doe snot get any custody or even visitation rights to your child. Make him cough up a huge alimony for all the misery he put you through and for all the money he took from you. And I know you are not ready for this now, but I hope, not too far in the future, you will find a kind and good man with whom you can start a new and successful relationship.

    Like

    • I think this comment is inappropriate for a public blog since it appears you are suggesting she make him pay out of vengeance (as in revenge). Is this the message you want to spread to a few hundred people reading this comment?

      I want to point out that she is also to blame for her situation. It almost appears that she/her family made a mistake of not judging his character properly in the first place. C’mon, a guy who changes jobs every 2 months? That’s a serious personality disorder and sets off fire alarms in my head. Its quite unreasonable of you to say that she should make him cough up alimony.

      You should be encouraging the poor lady to separate and find her life gracefully. Comments that encourage revenge show poor judgment.

      Like

      • She would be legally entitled to compensation for mental harassment and so on. The person above just got the term wrong. It’s only right he pays for his crimes.

        Like

  28. I have noticed most women hesitate to take a drastic step towards protecting themselves. They may do it for childrenthough. But some stay married in an abusive marriage because they think the child needs a father. Anyways the point is that most of the psychological development of the child happens during first few years after his/her birth. Do you want your child to expose your child to this toxic environment? It will have lasting effect on his personality But I strongly feel you should also get out of this marriage for your own sake. Don’t you think you deserve some peace in life?

    Like

  29. WHen you ask about your MARRIAGE being worth saving – what excatly are you trying to save?
    Maybe answering this will help you get a lot more answers. What has this marriage been like so far to you and what would you want to save from it ?

    Like

  30. Dear Confused

    You have taken the right decision!! You have given him enough chances but he failed every time. So Please do not think of compromise again. Go ahead with the divorce so that you at least have peace of mind. Have no two thoughts on this. This relationship isn’t worth saving. Even you know that!!!

    Like

  31. OMG… I fail to understand why this mail needs to even be written? Why is she still with this loser? The first time abuse happens, you’re a victim. The second time, you’re a collaborator.

    When will women ever learn? First they allow abuse and stay on. Then they go have kids with their abuser – which makes it harder to leave toxic & unstable men. And they still have doubts as to whether to leave??

    Wake up, dear lady. RUN, don’t walk, before he does you and your kid some serious damage. You said you’re an educated and independent woman. Your family supports you. I honestly don’t get why you’ve been putting up with all this in the first place. Just get the hell out of this sham of a marriage and give yourself a chance to be happy – alone, or with someone else. You have to take charge of your own happiness, because no one else will. And trust me, your kid is better of with a single mum than having to grow up in this totally toxic environment. You’ll be doing both yourself and the kid a favour by leaving ASAP.

    I feel sick on reading about the husband’s/in-laws’ behaviour, and even sicker on reading about this lady’s decision to tolerate it all, go have a kid with this guy, and her doubts about leaving. Sorry for sounding harsh, but it’s time to take a firm decision. There is no other way.

    Like

    • “The first time abuse happens, you’re a victim. The second time, you’re a collaborator”

      Brilliant! I can testify to that, been in a long abusive relationship

      Like

  32. My sympathies and good vibes go out to this girl but then this situation is faced by too many girls nowadays..the educated-employed-independent girls!! My only concern is for her child,Imagine what the mind set will be of the kid which she has to raise.How will he react when he sees his friends at school having a good time with their parents. I am not saying that this thought should deter her from giving a divorce.But girls who get married..arranged or otherwise should always give their marriage a few years to mature and then and only then go for kids. I know the amount of pressure ‘society’ puts on a couple to go in for kids as soon as they get married.But then when such situations are on the rise,my thoughts go out only for those tiny tots who get effected because of no fault of theirs!!

    Like

  33. Dear Confused,
    You have amazing parents, a loving child, plus you are doing well enough to support yourself. Why do you want to live with this man, anyway? We stay married to a person for love and not abuse or threats. You and your child doesn’t deserve this.
    I guess it is just the societal norms that are stopping you from taking a step in the right direction. Be bold and let him go. Good things are waiting for you on the other side!

    Like

  34. he was unstable ( bad) , couldn’t hold down a job ( well , its his life and choice) , hit your dad up for money ( v bad) , Abused your dad when he didn’t have the money ( terrible), abused you ( horrific) and yet you went ahead and had a kid with this loser. ? why?

    Inspite of all claims to the contrary from our Buzurk , Children really do not solve any problem, they usually cause more :-)

    We need this drilled into girls heads, if red flags are shooting up in your relationship , DO NOT bring innocent children into this world and drown them in misery.
    But apart from that, what’s done is done, leave and start afresh. and raise your kid well . You deserve happiness and if your happy so will your kid be.

    Like

  35. unhappy mothers cant raise happy children. you wnt to compromise for the sake of your child, but it is for the sake of your child that you should NOT compromise. you owe this child happiness. not an abusive father. you owe him unconditional love, not emotional manipulation every day of existence. you owe this child a safe life, not one where violence might erupt at any time, for any provocation, and against anyone at all. it is for the sake of the child that you must not go back to this father.

    Like

  36. Dear letter writer, your husband clearly has psychological issues. I am surprised you compromised with him 2 weeks after he physically abused your father, uncle and you so badly! Does he even deserve a chance? Please value your self-respect and seek a divorce from him. He does not deserve you. You have made futile attempts to compromise with him. You have a job. You can support your parents, child and yourself. So please think of yourself, your happiness and bright future for yourself and your child. It may be difficult for you to get out of all of this, but you will surely emerge a winner once you do so. Take care.

    Like

  37. @letter writer
    Anything is worth saving if the effort required is less than the benefits, which I don’t see in your case. My opinion would be quit the marriage, it’s not worth your sacrifices.

    While you’re still deciding, you can read on internet about abusive relationships, there are hell lot of articles, blogs, websites, forums about these relationships, describing the characteristics, patterns, effect..of such relations and how the abused are dealing with them. That can be usuful for you in deciding your future actions.

    Like

  38. Now, this is one comment by kristy that certainly needs to be moderated.

    Advertisement of a LOVE SPELL & all that mumbo-jumbo

    IHM, how is that you didn’t feel the need to delete the above comment??

    Like

  39. and, how different is the comment by KRISTY here from the lies being perpetuated by so called ‘Godmen’

    This comment about love spell surely must be contributing to the discussion.

    ihm, atleast read all the comments properly

    Like

  40. Pingback: “She is barred from accessing Gtalk, YM, FB, twitter… Her calls and messages are checked every day. He does not want unnecessary tensions.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  41. Pingback: Marriage counseling: “You are working, it does not mean you can talk this way.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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