Sharing an email from 31 year old.
Subject: Can you please help me organize my thoughts.
SORRY FOR SUPER LONG MAIL. I find you and the blog being one among the most interactive and thought provoking blogs i have come across.
This mail may sound very immature for a 31 year old but i am feeling totally confused and helpless these days. Fear, insecurity and uncertainty is not allowing me to live in peace. I am creating problems to my mom also. I cry loudly out of fear and condition is getting bad and want to put myself on right track before it gets worse. I tend to cry and shiver badly if i discuss this in person . And i hate myself to be seen seen crying by others.Please do not think I am some mad lady who has lost her sense. I request you to please let me know where I am being wrong. If you fee this can be published on your blog and can get some more point of views…. I need help and practical guidance.
I am from South India. I belong to a middle class family. I lost my father at the age of 6. Since then, my mother brought me up well in all terms. I am basically a science graduate with MBA degree in correspondence. I work for a pvt company and earn around 3 lakh annually currently. I am curious to understand anything good around me and much open to adopt it in my life if it can be applicable.
I look extremely ordinary and simple. I may appear like a dumb fool also to many. I have been overweight from past 5 years and working on it occasionally. (I know i am lazy) I converse to people with matching wavelength in detail but i am smart enough to handle the remaining people on day to day basis. (Mentioning this as i did not want to sound insane.) Since, i started working have been quite independent financially and have been working on financial requirements of my house.Life remains peaceful till the marriage topic begins.
I got married at 26 in 2008. The marriage turned out to be a disaster on its second day, as my husband said that he married just to win some challenge and out of pressure as his cousins and friends were married. I tried my level best to make it survive from 6 months using all possible brain, patience and skills i had and could think of. But no use. Later, i lost my job due to recession after 4 months of marriage, he announced that he will continue to remain irresponsible, emotionless, needless and totally unconcerned towards me. My presence or absence did not matter him absolutely but when there were neighbors /relative or guests visiting his home the family wanted me to be present and actively participate and show off. I could not take it for long. He finally gave me 2 options of staying there like a show piece or divorce. I chose the second one and came out for it with mutual consent. I had good support from my family during my bad times. I am great full for everything. I never saw a single day with a peaceful mind. I was financially independent. I would get gifts for him on my salary day for the family. The Parker pen which i gifted was deliberately used to sign the divorce document. And i was thinking that marriage is all about mutual understanding, emotional support, giving, learning, security, stability to learn its gamble and illusion. Anyway..it was an arranged marriage. Things were blocked and i was not smart enough to understand and stop it at right time.
Now the major part is…I have learnt enough from this marriage. I have heard of marriages going even more wrong and felt that i am more fortunate to escape from the emotional torture and insecurity i went through. I do not have a positive outlook for marriage anymore. Its 5 years i have been fighting this. Now i do feel lonely at times but the fear of another marriage heals my loneliness. I just want to remain safe. My mother is struggling to convince me to for next marriage. I can see the pain and helplessness in her but i am just unable to trust new people anymore. I am loosing trust on myself gradually. Sensible people wants me to come up with alternate plans for my life if i am not getting married. I am unable to put in some thought there also. Things are on safer side now. But how long can things be the same way.
So I said that I would look for second marriage with following conditions -
1. He should have a decent personality and ability to mingle with people and converse responsibly. I meant without much reservations an ability to maintain healthy social life. Should have decent blend of modern and conservative family values. A balanced outlook to negotiate with ups and downs of life.
2. The guy should not be a business man but an employee with a decent job with stability. (I have some reservations due to uncertainties with business family)
3. Should be physically, socially, psychologically ,economically healthy with ability to respect my values without domination. ( I am not looking for richness but financial stability) Mutually thought wavelength should be matching and should have enough room to get better.
4. Should have a healthy, clean and a transparent lifestyle with fair vision for future.
5. I want to stay in this city only and not interested in distance relations where there is need of living separately.
6. Should have enough freedom to stay in touch with my mother friends and relatives. Basically, freedom of thought, action and words is very important.
I do not know if this is too much to expect. But this makes sense to me.
A stable job, qualification and ability to create a secured future is my criteria.
My mother and elders say that life is uncertain hence compromising is required to get married. My concern is am I too demanding when it comes to social status of the guy, lifestyle, materialistic, spiritual and social values of the guy. I know this question is immature to be asked by 31 yr old but I am scared of burning my hands again. I am scared of taking risks and want to play safe but not really sure how much sense it makes. Its gambling. But I don’t want to jump in an unknown well. I am looking at marriage for security in all possible ways and companionship. Not as a playground to create history and become history. Please let me know am I being wrong with expectation. Or should i compromise being a divorcee and average looking over weight? I am unable to sleep out of fear of getting in to wrong things. Decision making is becoming a problem day by day. Trusting is difficult. Its making life more difficult. Please help me .The topic of every new proposal scares me. I feel i am no more eligible for marriage with this mind set. But at the same time get confused. How do I handle this… I am unable to unlearn the lessons I learned in my previous marriage and have a positive outlook. Please help me.
31 year old.