“Your comments did help me, though not in a way that I had hoped…”

Hi!
Thank you for posing my problem on your blog, and I would like to thank each and every person who commented.
Your comments did help me in getting out of this solution, though not in a way that I had hoped for, but hopefully this is the best solution for long run.
Some of the comments had raised very logical questions, that made me really sit back and reevaluate.
I did have a long discussion with L about the issues raised in my mind, but the answers that I got shocked me! At times during the discussions I felt I was talking to a 3 year old kid and not a 24 year old man!
The reason that he said that he ‘has to” do what his dad has asked him to do ‘even if it does  not make him happy’, is that he feels his dad has gone through many troubles in his life and he does not want to add to his troubles.
I still dont understand this! How will a marriage with me add to his dad’s troubles?
All said and done, he is going to ‘sacrifice’ his love and  marry the girl of his dad’s choice.
I will not pretend that this decision did not hurt me. But, now that I think about it, maybe it’s all for the best, you know.
Even if we had ended up getting married, his dad would have always seen me as the outsider my happiness would have never been in consideration (i mean if the son’s happiness is not considered, how will the outside-of-samaj DIL’s happiness ever be noticed),
And from the way L was defending his dad’s decision, I dont think he would ever have been able to support me in future.
So, thank you IHM, and your readers for everything and hopefully I will find someone who stands by me soon, till then i’l enjoy the ‘me’ time and work out and shop more!
Regards,
About these ads

68 thoughts on ““Your comments did help me, though not in a way that I had hoped…”

  1. I’d say good riddance! I hope you get over the sadness of a failed relationship, and that you pick yourself up and move on to a better life that is more meaningful to you. Hugs.

    Like

    • I wish the thumbsdowners would reply why they disagree. What are they disagreeing with in this superb comment? The good riddance part? The I hope you pick yourself up part? Or is it because they hate hugs?

      Like

        • Ok, seriously, my comment wasn’t even worth a vote. I have to join Kay in asking where these thumbs downs come from!

          Like

        • Yep, the thumbsdowning is getting weirder …. who are these people? Bored teenagers trying to stir up things a bit? 80 year old patriarchs who happen to be internet savvy? Loner dudes who hate hugs, encouragement, and all things positive? I guess they keep things interesting:)

          Like

        • That’s happened to me once as well! But I think the ones on this post are from hug haters! (or the ex bf’s dad)

          Like

        • @Rahmath–I don’t really wonder about my own comments because I can see why people would disagree with me. What I did wonder about is why people down voted Pallavi’s comment (which supports the LW and doesn’t take digs at other people). If you down voted her comment as well, I’m very curious to know why.

          And I’m also kinda curious as to who down voted SB’s comment. It has a smiley face in it for god’s sake!

          Like

        • Oh, yes, that happens even on a computer sometimes! And if I realize my mistake, I try to rectify it as soon as possible. God knows we need as much support as we can on matters being discussed here and the good opinions that are shared!

          Like

      • Kay, thanks a bunch for the support! I used to be stumped, just like you, at people downvoting even the sweetest of comments that did not remotely take a dig at any person at all. Then, I realized that they came from people who liked to simply register disagreement without bothering to spend time explaining their stand. Some of them probably simply couldn’t. For some people, downvoting is like akin to shaking their head in disagreement, or for the more aggressive ones, it is possibly like waving their fists at others’ comments (coz they can’t do more in a virtual world). Some do bother to explain what they disagree with, and if they do it in a respectful manner, I appreciate their input. And some of ‘em are simply trolls who want to ruffle feathers without offering anything in the way of solution to a problem being discussed. So, I’ve stopped wondering :)

        Like

      • Watch out!
        Somebody will thumb this down too!

        There is a serial “thumbdowner” who occasionally lurks here and, with great glee, thumbs down every single comment. I doubt if he even reads the comment. We can safely ignore him.

        But what do we do about a naughty little brat in my apartment complex who enters a lift either on the ground floor or the top floor when no one is around and presses ALL the buttons and then rushes out before the doors close? That forces the lift to stop at all floors even when no one is there to get in or out and it takes a long time for the lift to complete its trip.

        I find his thumb more of a nuisance than the thumb of this troll.

        Sometimes, some well meaning friends with fat thumbs, using a smart phone to read the blog, push the wrong button unintentionally. The buttons being close adds to the problem.

        I never thumb down any body. I either thumb it up or leave it alone.

        Regards
        GV

        Like

    • @ Kay,
      Oh that even i don’t know. Now a days even I keep wondering about the downvotes. I used to atleast find a reason when someone downvoted some days ago. Nowadays it’s as if someone is playing around clicking the icons. No idea. I don’t even bother about it now adays :)

      Like

  2. Lucky save for you. I’m sure it’ll hurt for a while but you’re looking forward and sounding so positive so that’s half your battle won. All my best wishes to you.

    Like

  3. Dear Email Writer,

    I’m very sorry to hear that you have decided to part ways. When you trust some one and expect them to stand by you, its hurts when the other person takes the easy way out to “avoid confrontations and hurting the parents or for society”.

    But in a way, be glad that you had made things clear and got to know the type of person he is. If he had promised you the heaven and earth and then shown his true colours after marriage-it would have been a bigger disaster.

    All the very best and I hope you find someone who really values you, supports and loves you for what you are.

    Like

  4. I understand you would be feeling sad, but at the same time, it is better you found out before you got married. As he broke up, that saves you the pain of having to break up and decide if to break up or go ahead with marrying him.

    Move on, do thing you love and I am sure you will be happy, guy or not by the side :)

    Like

  5. Dear Letter Writer

    My heart goes out to you as I understand how difficult this decision must have been for you. You will have days when you will think of the relationship and feel sad but like everyone here has said and you know for yourself that this is for the best. Imagine being married to someone who does not stand up to you.

    Love is a great platform to base your marriage on but you need incredible amount of commitment and maturity for the marriage to work, which I am sure we will agree you had and he did not.

    Best of luck for your future. Any man would be lucky to have the love of a smart and confident woman like you. Wipe your tears and move on. You got off really lightly.

    Hugs

    Like

  6. Trust me, you dodged a bullet (BIG time)! You might want to cut off contact with him for a while (or at least minimize it) as I think he’s going to use you as a sounding board for his inevitable problems in the future.

    And you’re only 24! You have tons of time.

    Like

  7. Hugs brave woman. Hang in there. Might hurt for a bit but you will get over it. It certainly does not make sense if he was/is not willing to stand by you 100%.

    Like

  8. So it was option #3 then. *grin*

    I’m sorry it ended like this for you. As I’d mentioned in another comment regarding an American girl who’d fallen for a desi guy and found out that the guy would be the “dutiful son” and “sacrifice his love” for the sake of his parents… you are collateral damage in this situation.
    The son just realized what he’s up against and whether he has the balls to be an adult or not.
    He doesn’t, and it’s a good thing that you found out now other than after your wedding.

    It’s unfair, I know. But I wish you luck and happiness and someone more deserving of you!

    Take care.

    Like

    • I can’t believe that someone hated my comment about becoming an adult so much that he/she chose to come to my blog and comment about it on my blog!!
      And of course, as always, the comment is anonymous! Signed of as J. J for Jerk.

      Like

    • Thanks for your kind words Sanjana..And I went through your blog also to see what Mr. J had said….And since there is no way of contacting him, I would like to write here that L’s dad has himself admitted that the girl he has chosen does lack a few ‘skills’ like I have, and that I do ‘seem’ to make his son happy, and had I been from his caste, he would have happily given his blessing..But the thing is even if I make his son happy, it would be very selfish to just think of L’S Happiness, since he would not be happy with an inter caste marriage. And he has told L to ‘adjust’ with this girl and once L adjusts, he does not see any problem in their marriage not being a success, after all what is love? He did not love his wife, still they are married no? Even though they live separately and cant stand each other! But L’S dad sees that as an achievement! So many problems, still we have not divorced! See if you marry outside of caste, it would have ended in a divorce! L did mention that it would have been better if they had divorced, as there would be less fights between them and maybe help reduce his mom’s depression, to which his dad replied “Nonsense! Divorce is never a better option, you always have to adjust. What would Samaj say?’ :( So in a sense there was absolutely no way to persuade him..if L brought logic to the table, he would put on a sad face and say ;Go then who is stopping you? Just stop talking to me”
      Really how can one even retaliate to this?

      And regarding calling me a gold-digger, if we see traditional caste hierarchy (which neither me nor my family believes in), I come from a much higher caste and by God’s grace, have enough money in my name to last me a life of luxury, with or without L (Thanks to DAD who keeps making smart investments in my name since the day I was born!).

      Apart from that I never asked him to leave his parents for me..I live in a joint family and love living in it! Whereas his family is completely broken..uncles not talking to each other, mom not talking to grandparents etc etc

      So, please Mr. J, with all due respect, dont call anyone names, when you dont know!

      And thanks Sanjana for supporting me! You are a gem :)

      Like

      • “Apart from that I never asked him to leave his parents for me..”

        It appears writer feels guilty in asking the guy to live separately….living separate is never a bad option boh for parents and children, if living together is not peaceful experience…

        Girls are not given a choice….they have to leave parents..on the top of it as per social norms, girls have no right to ask guy to leave his parents to get rid of unnecessary daily squirms…if a girl is supposed to have a strength to leave her parents why can’t guys have…why girls feel guilty or are made to feel guilty in doing so…are girls lesser human being or boys are weak progeny?….

        Like

      • Hey there!
        Of course I’ll support you against jerks like these. The guy in question wrote a lot more nasty stuff, I just haven’t posted it cos, like you say about L’s dad, there is no point in talking logic, he’s too far gone to the Dark Side.
        *sigh*

        Hope you’re doing well. *hugs*

        Like

  9. Hugs to you! Whatever happens, happens for the best! It may not seem like that when one is in pain but when you reflect back at this phase in your life you will realise it.

    I don’t find his explanations satisfactory at all. Maybe he just didnt love you as much as you deserve to be loved. What makes me angry is that he was raised in this household that is so orthodox and cares more of the samaj than the family itself, moreover his father’s hardships over the years were known to him, he knew they will never accept a girl from a different caste and he will succumb to the pressure since their happiness is more important than his own (I am not judging whether it’s right or wrong to think this way, only suggesting that he knew all this beforehand). Then such a guy should not get involved in a relationship. He has no right to play with a girl’s emotions and then turn his back.

    The feeling of being accepted is priceless. One cannot forcefully get it, it has to be granted. Hence pursuing to be accepted is most stressful for the person since his/her efforts may or may not get rewarded. It’s a never ending battle, a cold war of sorts in which no one really wins.

    Wishing you the very best for your future. You are meant to meet someone better and the unfortunate turn to this relationship will help you value several aspects of the next one.

    Like

    • I agree with everything but “PLENTY”. I don’t think there are “PLENTY” of great guys ‘out there’ in India at least. My parents were looking for a groom for my sister and they mentioned in her profile on a matrimonial website – “No Dowry” and “Simple wedding”. The following cycle repeated itself FOUR times over the last four years:
      1. Profile activated – got innumerable responses.
      2. My sister liked one a lot and the boy liked her too – Boy confirms he agrees with the “no dowry / no big wedding” values and will stand by it – decided to go ahead
      3. Decided to take it to parents level so details can be worked out – Parents like the “rishta”
      4. Matrimonial Profile deactivated since no further responses are required. All close relatives and me and my husband informed so we can book tickets to India(we live overseas)
      5. Boys parents ask for huge wedding / Sagan ceremony i.e. dowry / outright demand for cash/gifts – Boy is helpless – tells my sister to make her parents agree because he only wants to marry her but cant say anything to his parents
      6. Wedding cancelled from my sister’s side. Profile activated again on the website. All relatives informed about cancellation. tickets and other bookings cancelled.
      Go to Step 1

      But the good news is that it is the fifth time now and things look really good this time as no demands have been made so far – neither a big wedding, nor dowry. I understand that there were such expectations initially but the boy stood firm and explained to his parents that he was interested in my sister’s profile only because it said “no dowry and simple wedding”. And he managed to put off the spark somehow before it reached my parents. When his family finally met ours, they were clear and convinced that they’ll be happy to do whatever and however their son wants!

      So There may not be “plenty” but there definitely are some great guys.

      Like

  10. Such Young men and women need to get their mummy’s and daddy’s permission before fallingin love.. please ..
    I dont understand how you can get close to a person, contemplate a future and then agree to part. just because of daddy?? did daddy agree to the loving part?
    We ( both parents and kids) in india today have a screwed up notion of what love, partnership and marriage is. My advise stay single. we are unfit for anything else.

    I would be horribly offended , hurt and sad if my son loved someone for yrs and decided to give up that person to please his dad.
    – id be mad at the dad,
    – sad that a child has to please someone in place of living their life
    – offended that he doesnt have the backbone or brain to think well before comitting to someone.

    i understand not every date has to lead to marriage but whent he comittment talk comes around i assume you are at that stage where you have chosen. then you flip-flop.. what an idiotic loser.

    In my day and age ( yes i’ sound like an old woman), when i was going to my wedding, i took the train from b’lore to chennai and got down early int he morning ready to take a bus to tiruvannamalai to meet my husband for a 10am wedding, when i got down from the train i saw him waiting with a car and idiotically asked why he was there, scared that i wont show up??? why was he not looking to the arrangements? and he said, i’m here to support you , your back bone. and he said ; i rounded your brave cousins and they are waiting in the other car’ :-) now i know i was a fool then, a self important one at that, but what happened to such men??
    I’d chop my sons legs off id he acted like this silly fool. I’d say this man is not ready for marriage at all.. any marriage love or otherwise.

    Like

    • Radha, everytime I see a comment from you. I feel like hugging you. Your sons are blessed to have parents who think objectively and the girls that they would marry would have a independent and strong MIL who would know how to mind her own business and let them be. Hugs to you.

      Like

    • Love it. :)

      “Such Young men and women need to get their mummy’s and daddy’s permission before fallingin love.. please ..”
      Haha, won’t that be something.. lol!

      Like

      • But going by the logic of these people , it makes perfect sense to get parent’s permission before falling in love as well ! Why double standards for love and marriage?? It is pure hypocrisy, They indeed should stay single and marry by parents’ choice when time comes, instead of giving pain to other people.

        Like

      • “Such Young men and women need to get their mummy’s and daddy’s permission before fallingin love.. please ..”
        and get their horoscopes matched too before falling in love…this is another plea of parents for not agreeing, that their horoscopes don’t match….to hell with compatibility…who bothers about it…it actually happened in my friend’s daughter’s case…

        Like

      • I know someone who did that. Took permission, fell in love. Parents still balked at the idea of marriage and drama ensued. He is married now, but when i saw this post I wished his wife had seen this before her wedding, and been as brave as the girl here.

        Like

  11. Wow, it feels good to hear back from you, email writer, and let us know your thoughts. Completes the conversation, so to speak, and makes us, people on this forum, feel connected. It will hurt for a while, because you did put your heart into this relationship. But isn’t that the whole point of life – to experience it, make mistakes, learn? You didn’t do anything wrong – you liked him for certain reasons, began to notice certain issues, became concerned, questioned the things that bothered you, thought through the possible consequences of marrying him. All of this makes it very evident that you are a smart young woman.
    All the best to you, and yes, the other commentators are right – there are guys out there who will love you for who you are and cherish you.

    Like

  12. Hugs to you LW! Trust me-it happened for good. Was in the exact same position just over an year ago. Now when i think back, i think- Thank god it did not work out! I cant even imagine how hostile the atmosphere would have been had we been married. This too shall pass- and you will feel the same way that i do now. Keep yourself occupied- do all the things you wanted to do like read books, go out more with friends, travel a lot, develop a new hobby, get a makeover done, go to a spa, go for shopping, dress pretty and laugh a lot. All the best!!

    Like

  13. Well, good for you.
    Good for everyone involved actually.
    The guy can goback to being nothing more than a son.The father can resume being the darling to his samaj.
    But the best outcomeof it is that you are now free to be you, instead of trying to win a war which you never had a chance of winning,trying to fit in.

    Like

  14. In a way, it’s good the relationship din’t work out. I know it’s blunt coz I feel it’s pointless to be in a relationship with someone who cannot stand for his rights and beliefs and standing for the girl he loves. I mean it’s not the father but him who will stay with u. Whatever happened, happ for the best.
    Cheers

    Like

  15. Ah, that word again – sacrifice! It should be deleted from the Indian lexicon. All parents all over the world sacrifice for their children – it’s a part of parenthood but in India sacrifice is equated to sainthood AND returns are expected. Parents sacrifice for their children, children sacrifice for their parents. Who is happy at the end?

    Like

  16. In good conscience I cannot keep quite.

    Dear LW,
    You wrote a mail on 25th, got some new perspectives, discussed with your ex bf, discovered he was a kid, and both of you ( I am assuming it was mutual) broke the relationship by 29th.

    4 days???? 4 days to break something which you thought would last for more 60 years.
    I cannot comment more as i am seriously doubting the credibility. I don’t think we get even the 50% of the true picture. Has commitment lost its meaning out there or do i belong to a different era. My marriage is inter religious but forget it, I am curious , to all the ones who are married, have none of you had childish arguments? have one of you guys compromised, or behaved like an idiot and later realized that you may have been wrong?

    I and my husband have had royal arguments, discussions, I have behaved like an idiot and so has he in different circumstances. But is it not a part of the relationship.

    Forgive me my brashness but I have believed that most of the happily married couples go through a lot of bull shit in the beginning and the only reason they survive is the supporting words from their elders. In the case of love marriages, we resort to friends.

    You alone know yourself and your ex bf. You alone know your situation. Does it not feel a tad hasty ?

    Forgive me for my unsolicited advice. But I could not not say this.

    Wishing you the very best that life can offer.

    Rahmath

    Like

    • I’m married. Yes we have childish arguments every now and then. Neither of us will ever ask the other to follow some ridiculous ‘traditions’ to please our parents. That would be a ‘deal breaker’ for me. While the letter writer did know her ex-boy friend for two years, they did live in different cities. It’s difficult to really get to know someone when you’re not in the same place.

      While we do like each others’ parents, we ‘survive’ because we put in the effort ourselves. It’s not our parents’ job to support us through our relationship problems when we’re adults with functioning brains.

      Like

    • Rahmath i think you missed reading the part where the LW has stated “All said and done, he is going to ‘sacrifice’ his love and marry the girl of his dad’s choice.” It was his decision, not hers.
      In my case, my parents had agreed. I was even willing to do a register marriage. But my ex ducked and refused. What can i do? Should i have dragged him to the registrar office? Should i have created a scene at his house? I did the most sensible thing to do- move on, which is what the LW is trying to do.
      Instead of offering her support, i feel it is very wrong to state that it was hasty etc. Yes, she was willing to adjust and put up with things- maybe she thought, that somewhere, she will get accepted into that family and that her bf will stand by her. Talking to him, she has probably realized that it will never happen. What is wrong in trying to save her life?
      Just because she said she wants to live 100 years with him, doesnt mean she has to leave all her self respect and prostrate in front of him and parents and let them tread over her (and not give up – as you have said)

      Like

      • OK….

        @ Kay…. Not disagreeing with anything you said.
        @sharmi…. I didnot miss reading any part in this mail or in the previous mail. As i said , i donot want to comment more as we really dont know what they talked, how they talked, or anything. You talk with your experiences and I talk with mine and my friends’. even a small molehill can be made into a mountain. I just wanted her to look at everything with that eyes also.

        As far as your case is concerned, i would have done the same, said tata byebye to him and thanked my lucky stars.

        I didnot state it was hasty. I asked her of her opinion if she thought she was a bit hasty. There is a difference. Different opinions just make the decisions stronger. Different perspectives are required. Ultimately every adult or child for that matter takes his/her own decisions, whatever you or I may say.

        “and not give up – as you have said”. Classic example of how things can be put in other peoples mouth and exactly what i was thinking of in the LWs ex bf’s case. Your last paragraph was unwarranted. I didnot say or imply anything of that sort.

        When someone writes to IHM, i assume, they want perspectives, assurances… and it’s our job to give it honestly. whether it maybe positive or negative. The person reading this has brains enough to filter and take what is required. I gave her a different perspective. She can obliviously take it or leave it.

        Like

      • “maybe she thought, that somewhere, she will get accepted into that family and that her bf will stand by her. Talking to him, she has probably realized that it will never happen. What is wrong in trying to save her life?”

        I agree with you…life is precious and not worth sacrificing for a person who outweighs parents’ traditional mindset over her persona…she would have ended with pleasing his family by following their traditions and forgetting what she wants out of her life…it is worth spending (rather enjoying) your life alone than in such a mess…

        Like

    • Hi!
      Thanks for showing your concern…
      I guess It does seem like a hasty decision..but, based on the discussion that I had with L, he agreed with all my points, he even went through the previous post and even stated that all comments were right, he even agreed that his dad was putting undue wrong pressure on him, BUT, he cant go against DAD and so he has decided to marry the girl of his dad’s choice…So, I really it was either I beg and scream and make a huge mess out of myself and HOPE he changes his mind looking at me being a mess and take a pity on me, or I could save my self-respect.I choose the later one. I wanted him to marry me BECAUSE he wanted to marry me, not because he pities me and think that his dad went out of his life coz of me.

      Like

      • Dear D,
        You’ve made the right decision, according to me. His parents made him choose between them and you – and he chose them. Knowing that it would end his relationship with you. And you’ve made the choice to take his decision with maturity and dignity, which is admirable!
        Don’t let his choice get to you, I know it’s hard, but try not to take it personally. He made his choice to show loyalty to his unreasonable father- pure and simple. Why some men would side with unrelenting parents (at the cost of their own happiness) is something I fail to understand- but I think coming from a broken/dysfunctional family may have something to do with it.
        The important thing is this- YOU ARE THE WINNER in this situation
        Your ex will marry another girl, perhaps he will eventually me happy (?), this other girl will be wedded to a man who married her out of compulsion, the father will think that he has prevailed, and the dysfunctionality will have passed into yet another generation. By the sounds of it, they were not a happy family. It seems as though whatever happened, happened for the best!

        Like

  17. Dear Letter writer,

    Thanks for getting back to all of us and keeping us informed.
    It is a nice gesture.
    I wish more people who seek advice and opinions here, later tell us about the final decision they took. It brings closure to the subject or else we are all left wondering what finally happened.

    In your case, like others who said it, I too believe, you should be relieved at how this ended. Marriage to such a boy would have resulted in unhappiness later. Forgive and forget and move on life. There will be better boys available next time. Learn from this experience when you develop a relationship with the next person in your life.

    I now feel that boys and girls who belong to orthodox or caste or tradition conscious families and are not capable of rebelling, should not go about developing relationships and falling in love if they are going to take a final decision only after they have parental or societal approval. It is better to seek this approval and clearance before they get involved with some one or keep the parents informed early on as the relationship progresses, and not wait till they become seriously committed to one another. Such problems can be avoided.

    I know boys and girls who informed their parents in advance about their views about arranged marriages and clearly told their parents not to look for a mate for them in the traditional way. My own daughter was one. She chose her own mate. In the case of my 26 year old son, who is unmarried, I and my wife already know what he feels about all this and are not even going to try looking for a bride for him. We are keeping our blessings ready to be showered on whoever he finally brings home and introduces to us.

    Let your story and other similar stories here be a lesson to future youngsters.

    In brief and to summarise:

    If you are going it alone, without informing parents then be ready to rebel and carry on regardless of their disapproval, after first trying to bring them around. Ensure that your partner also feels likewise.

    If you are going to call it off tamely if you don’t have parental approval, then, do not develop relationships, or proceed with caution and step by step after keeping your parents informed, or simply wait for them to arrange your marriage in the traditional way.

    Have I said something provocative?
    Regards
    GV

    Like

    • @GVjee
      No, I’d say it’s very good advice. I hope we can one day look to the day when choosing your own partner is the default social thing to do , and men/women who prefer to involve their parents actively ask them to do so.
      Right now, arranged marriage is still mostly an ‘opt out’ system.
      Also, call it naivete, or undue optimism, but I do still believe that there are plenty of great guys out there.Apropos arranged marriage, I feel that finding people through personal contacts, as opposed to matrimonial websites is somewhat safer. It is far easier to create a maintain a liberal online persona, it’s much harder to do it in real life.

      Like

  18. Thanks desidaaru12 for replying.

    I felt I was making a safe comment but did fear that that my suggestion for an arranged marriage in the last line will provoke some of you. I am aware that most of you are bitterly against any arranged marriage at any time, under any circumstances.

    “The day when choosing your own partner is the default social thing to do” is still a far way off in our country. Right now, even among the educated middle and upper classes, it is not the default system. It may become more common in a couple of decades from now but by then I suspect not getting married and simply living together will become an alternate lifestyle that won’t too abhorrent or socially unacceptable among our educated middle classes.

    I now observe a new a new phenomenon becoming common. I don’t know what to call such marriages but these are unions where the partners are not living together even though they would like to, simply because of job/economic compulsions. Both have well paying jobs but are stationed in different cities or even different countries and meet for a short time by going over to the other’s place for a few days as often as they can manage it. Both respect each others desire not to give up a rewarding/satisfying/remunerative career and simply accept the situation while continuously trying for opportunities in the city/country where one’s partner is located. They (particularly the girls) resist parental pressure to throw up their jobs/careers for the sake of the family. They postpone having children and if there is a child already, grandparents step in to help the partner in whose custody the child is.

    In my own immediate circle, I know two such couples. The parents are distraught but the couples are firm.

    Someday I hope to read a discussion on this subject.

    Regards
    GV

    Like

    • gvji,
      why marry then ? ( just asking jokingly) I’m of the older generation i think, i dont thnk i could meet my husband on weekend and be totally at peace. neither could he, of course we did business trips but coming to the same house and resting our tired feet and head near each other and being there was what rejuvenated us.
      so why sign that piece of paper for what???

      plus i seriously think, if you cant raise your kids dont have them. nothing wrong in not having kids, but paliming off your kids on grandparents ( again diff from grandparents lavishing love in the holidays or when they want) is just not right in my book.
      but again i have old ideas i guess.

      Like

      • Radha,
        Thanks for responding.

        I agree when you ask “why marry ?”. Perhaps they should not.

        But sometimes separation is forced by circumstances after the marriage, or after a child is born.

        In one case I know, the separation was a fact even when they were courting and they decided to marry as they were well matched in every other respect and were getting on in age.

        Both knew before marrying that one of them would have to give up his/her job to be with the other and both decided to let this question be unresolved and get married and solve the problem of separation later. One of them would seek another job at the other’s location.

        They are married for a little over a year now and the problem remains.
        As long as both were in India in separate cities, they met at least once a month even if one of them had to travel by air to save time. They could afford it.
        But now one of them is abroad.
        Their combined income is awesome and neither is ready for a big cut in income just to be with each other all the time. They took on heavy commitments by booking a fancy apartment in a major metropolitan city, at a ridiculous price and the emi is unnerving for me and my generation. But they were prepared for it.

        Parents of both of them are distraught and thoroughly disapprove of this life style but the couple says not to worry, they will find a solution in time. I know all this because the boy happens to be a close relative.

        Regards
        GV

        Like

        • Radha and GV,

          Why not marry? A temporary physical separation is sometimes unavoidable. This separation is not new, it has happened for generations when men went abroad or to new cities to find work and their wives only followed later, if at all. Remember ‘mere piya gaye Rangoon’? The only thing new is that the separation might also be because of the woman’s work.

          My dad is in a transferable job and a couple of times the transfer orders came during our school term, so he moved and my mum followed a year later. No one was overly concerned for their marriage. Is it that different really if the separation comes earlier into the marriage?

          My husband moved to another country for studies in our pre-marriage years. We stayed physically apart (but together as a couple) for three years. Should one of us have sacrificed our plan of study to stay together? I don’t see why. This has set us up well in our careers and probably strengthened our relationship, if anything. Sure it was annoying and I missed him a lot but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

          I personally find it really odd when people (usually women) give up their jobs as soon as they get married to move to the partner’s city. If both partners like their jobs and value their careers, GV’s example is a great solution. This couple is not planning to carry on like this forever, so what’s a year or two (or three) in a lifetime’s relationship?

          Like

        • @GVjee
          I’m in a long distance relationship as well , currently. My fiance and have been apart for 2 years. In my field, it is a fact of life to be separated for 2-3 years after graduation. The lucky ones are people who are single at the time of graduation, or those who manage to get further training places in the same place, which is rare.
          It is hard, but such is life, and honestly, I had my doubts 2 years ago that this arrangement would work.Now I’m glad that we have been through a real test of the relationship and passed with flying colours, even though we still have till December to be finally reunited.
          My parents also stayed in different cities for 5 whole years. My dad moved away for work.Then, my sibling was in those ‘crucial’ high school years, and my mother had just received a big promotion to the top that she didn’t want to refuse. They met each every three months or so. Of course, their separation came a full 20 years after marriage;and eventually my mother resigned to be with my father about 3 years ago.
          Modern life does throw up some interesting and yet painful periods of separation. Military families, diplomats, people working on ships-an enormous number of people deal with complex family situations- but manage to find a way to make it work.

          Like

        • A yr or 2 is ok and even intermittent separations for schools etc., but i still dont understand why one would start out a marriage in 2 separate places without resolving the job issues. i understand if you are married and school/ work takes you for a short while separate.
          Not saying the women should quit or the man should quit, I’d say the person with easily movable or easily obtainable job should move.
          yes i know a lot of couples staying separataly and meeting weekends once or twice a month. there are also lots of couples where the women stays with the in-laws to work and the husband goes to a diff city ( not by her choice)
          but in it all i felt ( again only MY opinion) tainted by my life and marriage experiences that.
          The first few yrs of marriage are precious , every minute and the 8 hr job away was more than enough :-)
          The later yrs also become like that :-) I did go to do a course of study abroad and he took care of the kids while i studied away but it was IMO not ideal and after a 7 month stint , i prefered to get them all moved there , of course having the finances and having my husbands business movable helped.

          i just hope young couples get to experience the love and fun in a marriage together. nothing to do with who moves where or ego’s or anything.

          GVji – My husbands nephew also works aborad and his wife stays here for the past 7 yrs, they have a 2 yr old and they probably spent not more than 6 months in all together – i feel bad when i see that. they are v happy, her in-laws and parents help with the kid but in my mind they are missing something. personally i could do with the smaller house if we are all together.
          likewise i dont want to be taking care of my grandkids and relacing a mom or dad.
          i tell my boys ,meet someone, marry her and set up your own unit.. no hanging on to mummy /daddy because you don’t want to quit your job and join your wife.
          of course i understand our armed forces are forced to live apart and they have my total respect.

          Like

  19. Sit back, take your time out.. Remove every comment that you have read from your head and ask yourself all the questions for which you need answer. All I can say is happiness is not a quotient you can define for future it is a series of choice you will make. If you marry L u will be happy, if u find someone else even then you will be happy just that the choices will be different. Don’t manipulate your thoughts with others view, be yourself and make your decision clear cut. ‘Every relationship is unique’ and no one can make the decision for u.

    Like

  20. LW, relax. Am sure you guys have had a mature discussion with each other. When i wrote that last comment, i truly, geniunely did not think that those comments will lead to this. i thought that when u start talking to each other about fitting in , finances and geriatric care, you will take time out to think individually, and then regroup and discuss again.. and then hopefully, communicate to the parents together.

    parental pressure can have a mind altering effect on the strongest among us.

    i do agree with one commenter that 4 days is too hasty. though, perhaps, to you, it feels more like 4 years.

    i really am sorry. the end of a relationship is a difficult time, and i do hope both of you are able to handle this with strength.

    Like

  21. how i wish i was wise as this girl!!

    i decided my marriage in a emotional way and sure having all the bitterness of it. not sure how my marriage is going to turn. hope it works. feeling bad.

    Like

  22. I stumbled on this blog just now. I am 41 yr old women, n thought of sharing my story. My first marriage@27 was arranged and very soon I found out no compatibilities with each other. Wanted to stop the wedding and succumbed to my moms emotional blackmail. The marriage broke off within weeks n it was hell n messy. Moved on with my life as usual n I thought I met my match when I was 36. The person was younger to me by 6 years. I made no secret about my age n my divorce. I asked him to think through several times before proposing n accepting me. We belong to the same community,caste. Our families live closely. We live in the same city few miles from each other. Heck, he wants to marry the person of their parents choice and the parents can’t accept me because I am older and it is a sin if this marriage happens. We tried convincing nearly for 3 years and nothing positive. His mother would refuse to undergo surgery until he agrees to marry the girl of their choice.

    I am devastated n I think Indian parents have a huge ego problem. They refuse to see their children as adults. When it comes to marriage HELL breaks loose if it is son’s choice.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s