Sharing an email.
Reading your blog and the comments that you get has helped me understand and articulate a lot of my own thoughts and beliefs.
I am writing to you to get your and your readers thoughts on something that has been bothering me for the last few weeks.
I have been brought up in a very liberal nuclear family. My parents have always treated us (me, my sister and brother) the same. In fact, my brother did more housework growing up as me and my sister used to order him around (he is the youngest) hehe
We never ‘could’ and ‘could not’ do things just because of our gender and the rules were the same for us. I am married now and live in a different city than my parents and inlaws and we follow the same tradition in our home. My parents have always been supportive of my sister’s and mine off-beat decisions like keeping our maiden name after marriage, or not having kids (in case of my sister). Needless to say that I am very proud of my parents and I even sometimes tell my hubby that I was raised by two feminists.
Now the thing that is bothering me is this-
When I was talking to my brother last month he said that the parents were upset with him because he told his fiancee that he will bear half of the wedding expenses. When I talked to my parents about this my dad said something on the lines of – didn’t I spend on my daughters’ weddings? I got very upset and hung up on him.. Then my mom called and said that they were upset because my brothers is an arranged marriage and these things are delicate and should have been discussed at the parents level. Huh? She went on to explain that the girls parents had called to ask if my parents were upset about something, and thats why want to pay half of the expenses.. I really am at a loss at understanding these dynamics.
Also, at the time of her wedding my sister was so upset about the un-sharing of expenses that my BIL came home with a cheque.. which my father vehemently refused to take saying that it does not matter who pays etc etc. At the time of my wedding I was so blinded with excitement that I knowing ignored the matter relating to expenses (something I feel guilty about now)
Also, my brother after getting married is going to live in the adjoining flat (my parents idea). This flat was barely furnished and now it’s getting done up as per my brothers and his fiancees choice. My parents gave some money to do up the place as wedding gift.
Anyhow, coming back to my original question, I am scared that my parents are turning into typical boy’s parents with big egos. I don’t understand why they got upset as my brother is going to spend from his own savings. So does this mean that they feel they have some right over my brothers money? They sure haven’t bothered about what I do with mine except giving lectures about virtues of saving and occasional investment advice. Nothing else has happened after the said incidence but I am disturbed. Actually I feel a little cheated. Do my parents have two different standards and expectations for my brother and for us?
My mom says that i am making a big deal about a nonissue but she still maintains that my bro should have talked to parents first. Am I reading too much into a minor event? Should I just let it go because as my husband says.. “at least they aren’t forbidding him from doing it”.
I would be really glad if you could share my email as really need some objective views on the matter.
Thanks a lot