An email: “just for a few days of fights and torture in a month, how can I leave this life?”

Dear IHM,

I always wanted to write to you – but have been putting it off. But now I cannot go on anymore, trying to brush it under the carpet.

I am writing to you for my BFF-she is caught in a situation and just does not know how to tackle this and needs some help. I request you to publish this on your blog so that I can show her all the advice/comments that get posted.

My BFF-lets call her X. She had a love marriage, and she just completed her 9th W.A. They are both Hindus, but of diff backgrounds, language and culture. Let me also mention here, that both of them had a past-she had an abusive boyfriend, a relationship that lasted for a few years and he (let’s call him Y) had a gf, but they decided to part ways. We 3 worked in the same firm and so I know both of them very well. When X was going through tough times with her BF, it was Y who was there to support and help her. In the course of time, after her break up, they both became very close and fell in love with each other. They had to fight to convince their folks, who eventually agreed for their wedding, though not whole heartedly.

Their life started off like any normal couple in love. They moved to another city and all was well. She got pregnant in a few months. Then it all started…small fights, he would go out with friends for drinks on the weekend, leaving his pregnant wife all alone. He would come home drunk and then hit her for calling him so many times to ask when he is coming home!!! Working for an MNC, coming home late, being pregnant, she wouldn’t be able to cook most of the time-he would get angry with her saying things like “you wanted to live separately, I don’t even get proper food, you separated me from my mother and family” etc etc. For every fight he started using the “Divorce” word. he even hit her one so badly–that her mouth got cut.

Next day would be a normal day and if she starts the conversation about why he behaved that way and hit her, his reply always would be “you are the cause for it. you deserve it. you instigated me”. Her world first crashed when he told her “Now I know why your ex would have also hit you. You are the cause for bringing all this on yourself”. In his anger he uses all kinds of words on her. “B” words are all so common when he shouts at her.

The first mistake that she did–which she repents to this day..is not reporting his abusive nature in the beginning itself to family and telling them about it. She did not want to hear “I told u so, we told you we don’t agree for this marriage”. She does not have a father and is the only child. Her mother is very orthodox and will not support her, instead will just blame her and tell her to adjust for the sake of society. This has become an advantage for Y, because he knows that there is no one to support her.

Years passed by, alternating with normal days and violence. They moved back to their hometown after their son was born and live with his parents. She started doing very well in her work and now both of them are in the same position in an MNC Bank. He cannot stand that and feels insecure. He does not like her spending on clothes, going to the parlour, going out with her friends. But he will buy all branded clothes, a fancy car, go out with friends–basically he can do anything he wants. He accuses her of not teaching their son any values or not taking time for him, but going out with friends. This is not true, because X adores her son. She spends all of her free time with him and takes him along even when she goes to meet her friends.

According to her, being in this position “I need to dress well, I need to carry myself well”. But according to him she is wasting money on clothes, showing off, wants everyone to compliment you, that’s why you want to upload your pics on FB! He puts her down saying things like “I taught you the nuances of how to handle your team, how to solve things, without me you would be nowhere”. She does agree to him being her mentor, but her promotions are because of her hard work and because she deserved/earned it. He has even agreed to being insecure and jealous during their fights.

As their life was going on-this incident happened and now her life has become worse. She met her school friend (Mr.Z) after many many years – he had come down to India and school friends had a re-union. Meeting up after a long time, they kept in touch and she realized what a friendly, emotionally strong and a good person he had grown into. Though there was no comparing, she realized how different another man can be from her own once in love turned abusive husband. She got carried away, swayed momentarily and in that confusion got him a very expensive gadget as a gift. That was her mistake! But she came out of the cloud and decided it was not right and sold off the gift. She realized that she ought to stop her thoughts — she knew she has a family and should not entertain any thoughts of comparison and spoil this friend’s life and her’s. This Mr.Z her friend does not even know about her momentary feelings.

Her husband got to know about this, (he was stealthily checking her account-and she does not know how) and confronted her about the gift. She did not lie, and came out with the truth that she did start having fleeting feelings for this friend and that’s why she bought the gift, and that she realised her mistake and decided to put a stop. This was about 2 years ago.

Now for the last 2 years, her life has gone from bad to worse. There are fights every other day, he suspects her, and tortures her verbally, mentally and physically. He even calls her the P word. She has apologized many times and told him that her family comes first and that she would never do anything to jeopardize that. But, nothing seems to convince him. Some days everything is very normal and they even have sex! Other days he calls her a “P”, beats her, tells her that he can’t trust her anymore. He does not realize that it was because of him that her mind wavered. It was because he was not being a good husband/friend/support that her mind had thoughts of another person who had all these qualities. He was the one who pushed her.

One day in-between their fight, he went into the hall, called his parents and just blurted out to them “she had an affair. I don’t want to live with her”. He even went the next day and told her mother all about it, and her mother instead of trying to find out what happened and offer a shoulder to her daughter, fell at his feet asking to forgive her and not ruin her life!! He now threatens her with divorce and that he will ensure full custody of their son and ensure that she is embarrassed in court and will not allow her to even see her son. This has been a big shock to her and she cannot imagine a life without her son.

Now after these 2 years, after all this torture-she is emotionally drained and all the love she had for her husband has just evaporated. She continues to live in the same house, just for her son. She does not want a divorce because she feels her son needs both parents. Y is very affectionate towards his son and is a good father. X is just living the life of a zombie, acting in front of her mother, friends and colleagues as though they are a happily married couple. Now even her tears have dried up when he abuses her.

She says “just for a few days of fights and torture in a month, how can I leave this life? I have no support and I don’t know what to do. I want my son to have both his parents”.

I have advised her enough that she needs to get out of this relationship and live by herself. That if it goes to court, she should also fight it out and obtain custody of her son. She is educated, has a good job–but still does not have the courage to walk out. This is the case of every woman in India. Fear of the society, fear of no support, fear of the future.

But all these years she has not been taking things lightly either. She has also fought back, tried to explain things when she is not at fault and when she did do something wrong. Y has never ever apologized, even once for all that he has done to her till date. He will not listen to anyone, he will never go with her for counselling. I have thought many times to call and talk to him–but that would only make matters worse for my friend. I have advised her to go for counselling at least by herself-so that it’s a start to get some help. His father expired last year and that has made him more stronger. His father used to support X at times, when Y used to beat her. His mother has never accepted X whole-heartedly and she suspects that in their earlier days her MIL used to poison Y’s ears saying things like-she is not a good DIL, she is head-strong because she’s working, she will leave you one day types. She believes this, as some stuff like this has come out in their conversations during their fights.

Y maintains a diary for his son, he jots down his thoughts and incidents, so that his son can read them later. Once during a fight he took the diary and wrote all bad things about X, things like “your mother has an affair, she is cheating me, she is not a good mother to you, etc etc”. All this in a diary being maintained for a 8yr old!!!!

Even now, the sex that they have, she feels is his way of proving to her that he has the RIGHT OVER HER. She has also asked him to his face “You call me a “P”, u don’t trust me, then how can u have sex with me”, to which he has never answered her. When they go out to restaurants, she can feel his gaze on her trying to see if she is looking at any other man!!! She cannot take it any more–but just does not know what to do. She does not even have the right to her own body-to tell him that she does not want it. How can she enjoy sex when she is mentally disturbed???

Above all this, she feels sad for her husband. She understand he is insecure and all this stems from that feeling. Since I also know Y for so many years, I can say that otherwise he is a nice guy. Very jovial, helpful, funny, responsible and loves to enjoy life. But I can’t understand how he becomes another person altogether when he is drunk/angry. It’s like he is 2 diff people!!! I can even say that no one would believe X, if she brought this out among their friend circle. She prays God would show her a way and God will set things right for her.

I am not blaming only Y here. X too is to blame at times. She is short tempered, has fought with him on many issues. She has also been the reason for few of their fights, arguing for silly things..which in his words “she has instigated him”. I mention this as my BFF wanted me to clear the air that she is no saint. She has had her share of fights too. But I want to point out, that this does not make Y right in physically and mentally abusing her.

I would be very grateful if you could publish this mail so that she gets some advice and support. She does not know how to tackle things at home and does not know what else she needs to do.

Related Posts:

An email. Please do not immediately write it off and say “separation”, “legal action”… is there anything she can do BEFORE she can resort to that?

‘An email from a daughter whose mother endured everything because she did not want to ruin her daughters’ lives’

Open letter to all Phuddu married men – Amit

Closing that chapter – just as if nothing happened – Careless Chronicles

If she doesn’t seem to see your logic, would you support her the way she can be supported?

102 thoughts on “An email: “just for a few days of fights and torture in a month, how can I leave this life?”

  1. I am surprised that an advice is required in such a case. I know of a girl who is going to get married to a man she loves. The guy’s and her circumstances have been the same as described in this letter – previous relationships, abusive ex-boyfriend etc. It is the future I am afraid of and that might be very similar to what has happened to this lady.
    Dear email writer – The day your friend was slapped for the first time should have been the day she would have slapped the man back and walked out and that would have been the end of it. A man who abuses his wife will never stop. Maybe therapy will help him but such guys usually will not allow that. Abuses come with a lifetime guarantee.
    If she keeps living with this guy, her life is not going to change. She knows the solution.

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    • Amit,
      I know a fair few people who have been in abusive relationships. One friend has been in a live-in for 2 years. We lately got to know that she ws being abused by her bf for the last one year. She confided wen she couldnt take it anymore. Until then the coupl wr pretending to be all lovvy-dovvy in front of us when we hav meet-ups. Now we’ve made her break up and shes happier now. My friend is one of the project leads at IBM.
      Like you said, thei first ques I asked her was- “why didnt u break things off with the 1st slap?” she said he apologize, shower her with roses, chocolates etc wenever she hints she has hd enough. but the abuse never stopped. the apologies got thinned. when blaming strted she too kinda started to beliv that it mus be her fault. She changed from a happy-go-lucky type to a scared-n-kicked pup.
      We never doubted anything even when she didnt keep in touch too as we felt people change after a relationship yeda yeda. We partly felt responsible becs we never checked on her.
      And this is jus one story. Do people get addictive to relationships, however abusive it is? Why cant they just leave inspite of a good job, friends and family.
      I know many live-ins which turned abusive. Is there a connection?or is it the same for all, be it live-in or marriage?

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      • As far as I can make out, it is a combination of a number of factors. And strangely enough, an overdeveloped sense of responsibility is often a common thread. And it is a thread that abusers somehow know how to tug. It is your fault, y’see, that the other is unhappy, or feels misunderstood, or is driven to emotional/verbal/physical violence.

        It is also a slippery slope – communication is essential, right, and you respond to what someone says, especially when you have strong feelings for them, strong enough to live-in with them or marry them. And so it starts with little things and it keeps on enlarging. It starts with “Oh, it is such a small thing I do not cook paranthas today because he doesn’t like them” and somehow reaches a point where you don’t even notice the taunts about fatty food/low brow tastes/ whatever when you have made yourself a parantha after months.

        Isolation plays a part – somehow before you know it, you are out of touch with your support network. You don’t protest because it is easier not having to put up a front.

        You are played, left, right and centre. Manipulated. Into not saying what is going on to those who love you. Into not acting on your unhappiness – give it some time, I’ll change, you’re my life, blah, blah. Into believing that you are over-sensitive/ over-analytical, want too much, expect too much, are never satisfied. Into thinking that you are too weak if you want a bit of sanity and peace instead of constant criticism and accusatory undercurrents.

        I sometimes think that physical abuse is almost benign in comparison to emotional abuse – at least the lack of respect is obvious instead of insidious. And it makes it harder to lie to yourself for too long. Though it might well be that the fog created by it is also equally befuddling.

        But emotional abuse really does undermine your foundations and it skews your perspective.

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        • Thanks for articulating that so well.

          Its harder to justify your actions when you’re leaving an emotionally abusive/unhealthy relationship.

          If your partner accuses you of selfishness, says that you’re emotionally volatile, immature; points out how wrong you are, how unhappy he is, you spend hours introspecting, feeling guilty and inadequate, trying harder even though something doesn’t feel right.

          Emotional abuse can drain you of your self-confidence. When I was married, I had really begun to believe that I was stupid, lazy, immature and couldn’t get anything right. My ex wasn’t even verbally abusive, just emotionally manipulative.

          It took two years of meditation and yoga to rebuild a healthy sense of self

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    • I agree with you Amit. The first slap, that’s the time to have ended this relationship. It is sad to think women who are financially independent too do not think on those lines. :(

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      • Very sad indeed! A friend of mine told me how her husband abused her and how she came out of the house along with her son and started staying with her mother. She had told she did not even want to see his face. She was very angry with him. However, she did mention her mother was concerned about her. Two months later, she reconciled with him and is now pregnant with her second child.And then she posts a message stating how patience and endurance can save relationships! She is a post gradate and worked in top firms. She was taking up freelance jobs and was partly doing well in terms of financial independence. So in our society honor, fear of society, not leaving the husband come what may is much more important than self respect and standing up for oneself.

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  2. I read somewhere that Change is a 300 lb ant.
    She is habituated to abuse .
    H a b i t ..you see , is a dangerous thing.
    Remove H, a bit remains
    Remove A, bit remains
    Remove B, and it remains
    And it remains

    1. Make up your mind to break the cycle
    2. Do it – fears and doubts and fears will remain, but you will be habituated to a better world
    3. And the better world will become a h-a- bit.

    If you had the courage to get into a marriage without social support, you can break it too.

    Amit could not have said it better

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  3. Dear X:

    Sometimes I think that irrespective of how educated or well earning job you are in, if you are in an abusive relationship all that will go down the drain if you don’t walk out.

    Agreed that Y was your mentor and taught you the ropes of the work, but You are where you are today because of the work you did. He may have taught you, but that is what mentors do. They don’t ask you to live your life because of that.

    Please take advantage of your education, skills and talents. Once you walk out of this relationship, you will be able to support your own self and son. You will be able to live independently.

    If you say that you’re no saint, that is understandable. Everyone is not perfect, sometimes we act out in to sarcasm or spite. It can happen in relationships but you do not abuse or hit him. He abuses and hits you. It is not at all acceptable for him to do so.

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  4. It seems like this is going on for a long time and she is unhappy. If the main thing keeping her there is a her son and she is afraid of his threat to get sole custody (usually in India, courts tend to favour the mother for sole custody but the courts can be corrupt too), then she should go to one of the women’s groups specialising in these cases and get professional help. She should also record instances of abuse – take photos, photocopy the diary where he wrote the nonsense, note down dates and times.

    It might that there are other things keeping her tied to this man, though, and those she might need to work through first.

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    • I hate to say this- But is there a chance of court denying her son’s custody citing her so-called ‘past affair’ and thus ‘loose character’? Im sure you know how vicious these people can get.
      This happened to one of my friend’s sister in Kerala jus because she s living with her bf after divorce. inspite of the bf doting on the child, court said its not a healthy atmosphere for a child to grow up.

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      • We can’t know that for sure. It seems there was no affair really and the man didn’t even know if her feelings. I would suggest that she should get a good lawyers instead of living in fear of this.

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      • N, that’s what I suggested going to a women’s group or lawyer that is experienced in these kinds of cases. I think this happens only if the husband has “influence” with the court. The woman in question could be the judge of how influencial he is, or maybe just play safe and get advice on that scenario.

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  5. She needs to leave. NOW. They’re setting a terrible example for what a relationship between a man and a woman looks like, for their son. This is NOT a healthy environment for a child.

    As for the rest of his behavior, he is abusive to the core. When she got pregnant, he realized she was completely dependent on him. It’s classic for abusive personalities to turn violent especially once the woman is pregnant.

    DO NOT fall for the “talk to your husband” ploy. With a normal guy, it might work, with an abuser, it never does and it will only set her up for more abuse. And, it is only the rarest abuser who recognizes his ways and changes. Even then, it’s a long hard road with no guarantees, the other shoe can drop any moment.

    If she doesn’t take care of herself, no one else will, anyway. She has a successful career which she has built regardless of what he wants her to believe. She can and should leave. Both she and her son deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect, that is the basis of a relationship. It’s clearly missing here.

    She has one life to live. She deserves to live it well.

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  6. They are going through all the classic stages of the abuse cycle – tension building phase, followed by intense abuse/battering, followed by honeymoon/apology phase, and the cycle continues. You can never reason with an abuser. This guy is sick and needs therapy.

    Your friend needs to abandon him and and get as far away from him as she can. She’s endangering
    2 lives here. Even after she gets away, she’s going to need counseling. Your friend is showing every sign of the ‘abused woman syndrome’. I hope there is someone there for her who can help her leave.

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  7. Agree with amit. As for X, there is nothing other than the gurellest torture that u can expect from Y. You should simply move out, meet a lawyer and get going with the legal proceedings.

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  8. “She does not want a divorce because she feels her son needs both parents.”

    This is the biggest mistake people make. A child needs to grow up in a healthy family environment, NOT one where there is abuse and fighting and insults being hurled back and forth. This couple needs to separate for their own sake, and yes, for the sake of their son. How can they expect the child to develop a healthy personality if this is the kind of thing he witnesses everyday.

    Trust me when I say this: If these two stay together, either he will grow up deeply resenting one of both of his parents, OR will turn into an selfish abuser like his father OR a meek person who puts up with nonsense.

    This lady needs to get out NOW. She has the right to a happy an dignified life. She needs to set an example for her son that IT IS NOT OK to mete out OR tolerate abuse of any kind.

    The sooner the better. It infuriates me to witness women, especially capable ones, CHOOSING to suffer like this for no good reason.

    And yeah…. Screw society, society doesn’t give two hoots about your happiness, so why should we bother about ‘log kya sochenge’? This lady needs to take charge of her own life and her own happiness, because nobody else will.

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  9. “otherwise he is a good guy”

    What?? He is abusive, controlling, violent. He is definitely NOT a good guy. You say X is your BFF, you know how she suffers because of her husband, and yet he is otherwise a good guy?

    I think X already knows what she should do. She needs the help of her friends and family to take the step. Please support her. Let her know that you will be there no matter what. Help her plan moving away from this abusive relationship. For her sake. For her sake of her son. She is already a financially independent woman, she is in a much better position than most of the Indian women looking for a way out.

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    • The ‘otherwise’ is the other side of him, reserved for outsiders.Not for family,least of all the life partner who deserves his best. No wonder X’s friend feels nobody will beleive X if she reveals the problems in their marriage.

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  10. If she is doing so well professionally I wonder why does she need anybody’s support. If her mother is orthodox why expect her to come to her rescue. She has to see her strength. She is a strong woman to do so well professionally inspite of an abusive marriage. But she is wasting her strength in to maintain an abusive marriage. She needs to channelise it to make a new life for herself. She might have support of people like the email writer, her friend but it is her alone who can help herself. There are two things she needs to know and be convinced. The abuser husband will not stop his abuse. Second no knight in shining armour will take her out of it. This is what happened in her previous relationship, might not work all the time. So she has to direct the same strength she is using to tolerate abuse to walk out. About her son needing a father, I think it is better to move away from this toxic environment soon for her son as much as for herself. Will he learn to respect women if he sees his father as a role model? Also please allow yourself some peace in your life. You deserve it. Please see a lawyer.

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    • And I wanted to add, everyone has fights. Everyone has disagreements. But has your friend X ever hit her husband? Has she ever come home drunk and forced her husband to have sex with her? So while fighting happens in almost every relationship, she is not the one who has been abusive. No matter what, no one deserves to be abused.

      And please dont justify Y by saying “it is his nature” or “he got instigated”. Does Y ever hit his parents? What about friends? I am sure he has disagreements with them. He abuses X because he knows he can get away with it.

      And for X, if you care about your son’s well being – leave NOW. Watching parents being abused does a lot of damage to kids. It is better to have one decent parent at a time rather than have two dysfunctional ones. A child, above all, needs a caring and a nurturing environment.

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      • Exactly… I think people in an effort to appean unbiased, impartial and all, justify the abuser (to some degree). Of course being a victim doesnt mean that one is perfect. But that doesnt mean you use/cite her shortcomings (eg- ‘shes short-tempered’) for the sake of argument. So what shes short tempered or suchlike? That DOESNT give Y the right to hit her.

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      • This is another common thing in abusive relationships.
        Just yesterday I was telling my friend not to tolerate abuse from her husband and she came up with ‘but he hits me only because of my sharp words’.
        What is it about the victim’s psyche that makes him/her justify the abuser? Is it gender specific ? Does the abuser say each time he/she abuses ‘look you have done so-and-so,hence I am doing this’ and does the abuser hear ‘…hence I am JUSTIFIED IN doing this’?

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        • I have a friend who said the same to me. She said ‘but I talked back to him’. I spent hours explaining to her that when two adults are talking, they are supposed to talk back to each other, that nothing excuses abuse, she is being abused, etc etc. Next time I spoke to her, she was back to ‘but I talked back’. I wish I knew how to break this mental cycle.

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      • Well said Clueless. The sufferings and acceptance sounds like yester year Indian movies.
        What society? India has changed. A woman working in MNC is supposed to be a self respecting , smart and intelligent one who will stand up and be counted.

        And what affair? It is only in the husband’s imagination. HE cant prove in court of law she had one isn’t it? She need to record their fights and his abuse and let the court decide.

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        • I agree completely.

          Come on thumb downer (singular not plural), tell us what you think. You are making yourself look very bad indeed by being so sympathetic with Y, a text-book abuser.

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        • But maa’m, a woman who has been abused for nine years has had her self-worth and self-confidence stripped from her, bit by bit.

          Its hard for anyone who has not been in an unhealthy, high conflict relationship to know how insidiously harmful, daily criticism, taunts, and insults can be.

          A day comes when the woman really believes that she’s a terrible person who deserves the abuse and should expect nothing better.

          She’s grateful for the days that are quiet and abuse-free and feels guilty “for setting him off”. Abuse comes in cycles, peaceful spells interspersed with violence.

          Abusers select their victims carefully. It is possible that her husband was drawn to her precisely because she was in a previous abusive relationship that she couldn’t leave. Abusers are drawn to women who have self-esteem issues, unclear boundaries and a tendency to be co-dependent.

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  11. The lady here needs to seek support from friends like the email writer here ,gather courage and move on with her life without this ABUSE.
    But she and all of us here need to reflect on a few ISSUES highlighted here:
    1. What kind of daughters are we raising,educated,independent but the ones we constantly emotionally abuse by ” falling on the feet of their abusers” “doing anything to save their marriages” and above all telling her ” see I told you so”.
    2.What kind of sons are we raising,the ones we allow to beat their wives or children and we remain quiet,the ones we let witness abuse in our lives and then probably grow up believing that is the norm,the ones we will always support even when we know they are wrong and their wives are right at times or on certain issues?
    3.What kind of family values and Indian culture we take pride in? The one where a woman has to be SILENT,PASSIVE,OBEDIENT and the worse a VICTIM who does not want to move out from the torture because we make her believe and not wrongly so at times that the world outside the so called protective walls of the home is equally bad if not worse to a woman who walks out of a marriage.
    As I always believe the SILENCE needs to break.

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  12. I dont think X needs a solution, she knows it but something is stopping her from moving out/on… She needs to decide, it is her life…

    That apart, I am reminded of something a lady I once met told me.. This lady I know is obsessed with Money and feels shortchanged when she got married to MrY, who is an amazing person… She tells me one day “You know i was to marry the guy my cousin got married to, but then i am stuck with X.. that man my cousin married is a millionaire and owns not one but 3 houses in the city.. Only thing he gets abusive at times, but then once in a while is ok no, he has all this money and houses” wtf!!

    DUH, had this lady been younger/my age, would have probably slapped her senseless…

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    • I think I know what is stopping her from walking out.Wasn’t she just out of an abusive relationship when she met him and fell in love? I think thats it. She keeps thinking back to those rosy days and feels, ‘he pulled me onto a cloud when I was falling into an abyss,so how can he be bad for me?Its all probably my fault that he has become abusive.’
      She is having difficulty reconciling herself to the fact that her once-upon-a-time saviour himself is now an abuser.
      Hence she keeps telling herself stuff like ‘its my fault too’, ‘my son needs a dad’ etc etc.

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  13. Dear Email Writer,
    There is no other option. Your friend needs to walk out of that abusive relationship. ‘Talking it out’ is not a solution in this case as it will lead to nothing but more abuse. The environment is not healthy for an 8 year old. Staying with this man, your friend could even scar the child for life. After-all what is the point of having both the parents when they can’t stand each other? If your friend stays in this relationship, her child will grow up assuming this is the kind of relationship a man and a woman have. He might become abusive too. Your friend does not want to be the reason why her son thinks it is okay to his wife.
    Tell her to WALK OUT. That will be the best thing she will ever do for herself, and for the child as well.

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  14. I’m shocked! 9 years! No one should stand abuse for even a second, forget 9 years! How is her husband ‘good in other ways’ if he cannot treat his wife as a human being. It is said that the true character of a man is revealed in the way he treats his inferiors – and in this case it’s his wife (an equal)! As much as his abuse of her is disturbing, what is more disturbing is her unwillingness to do something about it.
    Undoubtedly, like everyone else here, I say that she should not think any longer and should go ahead and divorce her husband. He’s threathening her with divorce right? So let him gather his courage and do it! He seems too cowardly to even do that in reality. She should waste no more time in her life and do what is best – leaving her husband. She has a great job and when you say she doesn’t have ‘support’, she has one of the biggest sources of strength and support for a woman – ‘financial support’. Many women cannot escape their abusive husbands because they are dependent on them – she does not even have this problem. As for her mother’s support – I’m sure once X gets out of her marriage and builds a new life for herself, her mother will come to understand her better. Her son may be treated well by his father for now – but a man who is abusive with his wife can very easily channel that abuse to his children some day. And a child does NOT need a father who cannot treat his mother like a human being.
    You say she is not a saint either – well no one is. Humans are imperfect but a person has no right to inflict pain and suffering on another person. Yes she made a mistake of marrying him – but she did that when they were in love. She doesn’t have to suffer her whole life for that one mistake. As for her short lived attraction towards her former classmate – if her husband really did trust her a bit, he wouldn’t hound her and suspect her for ages after that incident. Really, I don’t see how this man is good in other ways. He does not seem to have the most basic characteristics a good life partner should have – trust, honesty, love, understanding…
    She should get her act together and go ahead for a divorce. As others have mentioned, she will most likely get custody of her son. She just needs to be strong. Keep telling her that she deserves better and that she should not have to bear the consequences of the one mistake she did of falling in love with him several years ago.

    Like

  15. She needs to extricate herself from this situation immediately. If her savings are healthy enough, then today itself. If not, then until the next paycheck.

    She also needs to document the abuse – there will come a day when she might well need it. Phones have recorders, diaries can be kept, physical injuries can be documented by doctors.

    One of the classic fall-outs of an abusive relationship is a habit of covering up for the abusive partner. And it takes months of peace and quiet, months of relaxing inside your own space, before you even start spotting the patterns. So she will have to be prepared to firmly squelch all such impulses and stick to her path.

    Please do point out to her that he is not a good father. Not if he subjects his child to such scenes, not if he is writing a vindictive diary to pass on to his son one day. Good parents do not use their children as pawns, good parents do not put their own emotional impulses ahead of a child’s emotional and mental well-being.

    What I am about to say may seem incredibly harsh, but if he is nice to the child today, it is because he has another punching bag. The likelihood that the ambit of his abuse would spread is very very strong.

    She needs to get out, create a space in which to heal.

    Like

  16. My dear X

    I can totally relate to you. Bcos even I was into such a relation. Just that it did not go up to marriage. Thank God.

    I was into this relation for 2 years. That too in the 2nd n 3rd years of my degree. Now looking back I can never forgive myself for wasting two beautiful years of my college life, which otherwise would have been THE BEST, had I not been into this relation.first six months went pretty well. Then came the probs. He didnt want me to talk me to anybody. Not even to my parents. He broke away my sim cards. He called me all these P and B words if I am seen talking to ANYBODY, not even to my teachers. He was a superstar figure in the college. He was very friendly and helpful to everybody, both boys and girls I must say. And just as is mentioned in the email, nobody could ever believe he has such a face.

    He took me everything from me. I had no friends. I was not allowed to go home on weekends. My parents used to call me to my friend’s cell. (Read once my friend, then the girl in my next bed). I had said all the lies in this world to my parents, to listen to his orders of no mobile phones – no going home – no going out with friends.

    I WAS ALLOWED to get down from hostel only when the first bell rang. and in 3 mints from the last bell in the evening, I should be back. Now you wonder how on earth is he going to know this. Well.. We were not allowed mobile phones in the campus. So I had to leave it in the hostel. So I was asked to give a miss call when I leave and as soon as I reach. I readily agreed. He made me delete my Gmail and Orkut accounts. I was not allowed to go to canteens, library, not even to the store to get me sanitary pads.

    I had low BP and I faint often. His version to my giddiness was that I love to get the attention of the whole class and wants everybody (esp boys) to ask how am I doing, the next day. He didnt even allow me to go home for my one and only sister’s wedding arrangements. I went home for just 4 days for her wedding. I can go on and on and on about what all I went through.

    X, can u relate? And this went on for 2 years. He made me believe that SUCH THINGS HAPPEN IN EVERY RELATION. THAT EVEN MY SIS N BIL WOULD B FIGHTING OVER SUCH THINGS. THAT THIS IS NOTHING TO BRAG ABOUT. And people, the stupid me believed all these and never stood up for myself. I kept mum. I knew exactly this is not what I wanted from my life. I am educated (read literate) and come from a good family, but I had no guts to walk out. I knew about his insecurity. I had all the humaniterian concern flowing towards him.

    Then, on the day of my model exam, he told me he is gona KILL me if I step out of the hostel. (Reason being, I was sitting in between 2 boys in the exam hall.) That day, I ran away from hostel, without anybody’s knowledge without knowing where to go. My home was 3 hours away.And I was not sure if I can reach home SAFE. Cinema style – i ran through some short cuts and caught a bus to my cousin, who was very close to me and was out of touch for those 2 years. I ran into her consultation room yelling. We talked and talked and talked. She gave me the courage to stand up. She took me for a counselling. I can never thank my psychologist enough. She has helped me A LOT to be the one I am now.

    Walk out X, Move on. Its time. Be brave dear. U deserve much better. Ur son deserve much better.

    You said you dont want a divorce because u feel ur her son need both parents. Have u thought of the environment ur 8 year old BOY is growing? Tomorrow, when he himself grow up to a man, he feels this is the way to behave with the opposite sex. Havent u heard the saying, the best thing a father can do for his child is to love his mother.. just think about those lines. Are you doing justice to your kid by not giving him a healthy atmosphere to grow up?

    Move on.. If you both are working for the same MNC and have difficulty in facing him, go change your job. Or if its transferable, get a transfer. Start afresh.. Move to a seperate house asap. Hire a house help. Make life as easy as possible. Find a good layer and go on the legal separation.

    And about the society.. They may talk bad of u for a day or two. Thats it. Tomorrow they will get more juicy preys and they go behind it. Dont bother about the society, before u think about u n ur son.

    Well.. When I read, Preeti Shenoy’s Life is what you make it, Tea for two and a piece of cake and The Secret Wishlist, I had thought that would have been my story too, had I not stepped back from that relation. Go, read her books.

    Read IHM’s blog regularly. Read the comments. Connect with good friends like the email writer. Connect with other single-parents. Read their blogs and share ur world.

    Wishing you lots of guts..

    An ex-X

    @IHM: I think u can make this a post itself. Pretty long!!

    Like

    • Just felt that clicking the ThumbsUp button wasn’t enough,so clicjed reply to Congratulate you on
      1.succesfully bouncing back from your situation
      And
      2.sharing your story for a stranger’s sake
      And
      3.for encouraging a stranger to start life fresh and proving by personaln example that it is possible.

      Like

  17. This man’s behaviour is extremely abusive and toxic for the wife as well as the child. The National Health Service in the UK estimates that 30% of domestic abuse starts in the woman’s pregnancy and existing abuse gets worse (http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/domestic-abuse-pregnant.aspx). This is a known pattern.

    She needs to absolutely and quickly get OUT of this situation. She is a well earning manager and there is no need for her to make her and her son’s life hell like this. She is bringing up a child in a very abusive atmosphere. If not to herself, she has the responsibility towards her child to keep him safe (physically and mentally).

    “just for a few days of fights and torture in a month, how can I leave this life? I have no support and I don’t know what to do. I want my son to have both his parents”.
    This is crazy talk. Seriously. She needs to reach out to a psychologist and seek help. She has normalised abuse in her own mind. She is probably damaging the child’s mind irrevocably. What does a child learn from seeing his well-earning independent mother being abused like this? Either that it is ok to abuse women or that it is ok to be abused. Does she want that?

    ” Y is very affectionate towards his son and is a good father.”
    This man is NOT a good parent. Please understand and reinforce to her that a man who tries to manipulate the child against the mother, who abuses the mother physically + mentally can NEVER be a good father. This not the environment that a good parent provides his child.

    “I am not blaming only Y here. X too is to blame at times. She is short tempered, has fought with him on many issues. She has also been the reason for few of their fights, arguing for silly things..which in his words “she has instigated him”.”
    You SHOULD be blaming Y. No amount of ‘talking back’, fighting or ‘instigating’ can EVER justify abuse. Please understand this. Please stop justifying the violence he puts her through. Nothing one can ever do, no matter how annoying, can possibly justify abuse. Tell her there is NO EXCUSE for her husband abusing her. None at all.

    Like

    • Oh and if her mother doesn’t support her, she should still leave. She has the employment and the money to be independent, she does not need her mother’s support here. Get some money stocked up in an account, document the physical and mental abuse. Get a good lawyer. Make the lawyer aware of the alleged affair, which never really happened. File for divorce and custody.

      Also, why is she apologising for having feelings for another man? This person abused her for 9 years and she still stopped herself short of seeking support elsewhere with the other man. The only person apologising here should be Y.

      Like

    • @carvaka

      This seems like a case of mutual abuse with the major difference being that the husband has gone physical as against restricting himself to being verbal (just like his wife did) and there were also some occasions when the wife pulled the trigger first.

      It can’t be ignored that on many occasions, the wife fought with the husband on silly issues which itself accounts for mental, emotional and verbal abuse of the husband at the hands of the wife.

      Don’t say it isn’t abuse (of the husband) because you would have certainly said so had it been the other way around.
      He should have returned her abuse in same way – verbal but he resorted to being physical and that’s where he crossed the line.

      Physical abuse is wrong in any relationship and doesn’t have a place in a civilized society.

      I just don’t agree when you or others feel that the husband didn’t suffer at the hands of his short-tempered wife (yes, he is short-tempered too) since using strong words/picking fights on rather many ocassions & trivial issues (read: when the wife does that and the husband is at the receiving end) and you feel it isn’t emotionally taxing for the husband.

      I am no way trying to justify physical abuse meted out by the husband but any attempt to discount the abuse (of the husband) meted out by the wife and treating it any short of abuse is also wrong.

      And, we don’t even know how harsh was the language used by the wife during the fights. That’s hidden.

      Like

      • Ugh, you do not understand the meaning of abuse. Fighting is different to abuse. Please stop justifying it. “difference being that the husband has gone physical as against restricting himself to being verbal” that is a BIG difference. You and this man Y seem to think men are justified in hitting their wives. Please read http://www.villagelife.org/news/archives/DV_coverstory/DV_menjustified.html.

        “I am no way trying to justify physical abuse meted out by the husband”
        Yes you are. Read your own comment. “This seems like a case of mutual abuse with the major difference being that the husband has gone physical as against restricting himself to being verbal (just like his wife did) and there were also some occasions when the wife pulled the trigger first.”

        ” but any attempt to discount the abuse (of the husband) meted out by the wife and treating it any short of abuse is also wrong.”
        No it’s not. Hitting someone physically and arguing verbally are different things, one more severe than the other. One is against the law and the other is not.

        “I just don’t agree when you or others feel that the husband didn’t suffer at the hands of his short-tempered wife “”feel it isn’t emotionally taxing for the husband.”
        Doesn’t matter. If she is short tempered, he can talk to her, ignore her, give her the cold shoulder, leave her.. rather he hits her. He hit her when she was pregnant. He gets angry because she doesn’t cook as he want. This is downright controlling and abusive behaviour. He loses any rights to sympathy or understanding by doing that.

        “And, we don’t even know how harsh was the language used by the wife during the fights. That’s hidden.”
        Does not matter. He cannot hit her. No amount of harsh language justifies physical violence with a partner.

        Please get it in your head, NOTHING justifies physical violence with your partner. First of all he hits her and then tells her it’s her own fault she got hit, instead of feeling remorseful at all. That is text book abuse.

        No person in their right mind would justify physical violence like you have. I really think you are being disingenuous here and trying to create unnecessary controversy.

        Like

        • Thank you for taking the effort to clear that up.Hopefully your reply will open the eyes of many who are reading this blog and are putting up with abuse on a daily basis thinking ‘oh but i am the one at fault,i yell at him,so I get hit’.

          Like

      • i can come and yell at you a perfect stranger on the street, you can ignore me or yell back, however would you tolerate me giving you a smack???? no because i dont have the right to hurt another human being, per law and morally too. no matter what she does, she can fight and yess and be short tempered . he can too. he can call her names and do whatever he wants – VERBALLY … but the minute he hits her, it is AGAINST the law. that’s physical abuse.
        Now if she whacked him every time he opened his mouth , then he can complain of abuse from his wife and she will be punished.

        Either way what is this fascination with yelling and hitting your spouse. why do people get married– for a power trip.
        i repeat , we indians get married for the most moronic reasons. I’m disheartened by the fact that so many youngsters dont know what a great marriage brings, dont know the peace, love, passion, that a marriage brings, the togetherness, comfort and exhilirating joy that you get on being with someone your very own.
        what are we doing wrong ?? marriage is not a power trip, there is no master no slave, no marriage to satisfy parents or marry for a nurse a cleaner or a paycheck. — why is this so hard to understand.

        Like

      • i was wondering who would give thumbs down to all those sensible comments above.. i wanted to know what goes on in that person’s mind.. now i know.. and the answer really scares me.. it is people with this mentality who turn into abusers, rapists and moral police given the opportunity.. i really hope you are not married.. if you are, all i can say is god bless your wife..

        Like

  18. Some Indian men just do not deserve wives and your friend’s husband is one of them. He appears to be a narcisstistic psychopath; manipulative and completely without remorse.

    Honestly, does your friend think her son is not affected by witnesing so much family conflict? Isnt she aware of the far-reaching harm that this family violence is causing to her son?

    Like

  19. There is no justification to hit and abuse another human being. Never ever. As the saying goes: “Your right to swing your fist ends at the tip of my nose.” This guy CHOOSES to hit her. He could always just bang his fist against the wall, on the table or against the punching ball in a gym. Instead he chooses to hit his wife. She didn’t force him to. If he is so unbalanced that he can’t deal with insecurity in a non-violent way, he is a danger for society and should either make a therapy or be locked up. No excuse for such brutal behaviour, ever. Your friend should walk out immediately, though I can imagine that her self-esteem has been so undermined that she might need several nudges and attempts before being able to pull it through.

    Like

  20. What resources are available in India for abused women?
    – Free counseling services?
    – Free financial planning services?
    – Employment opportunities, placement help, and counseling”
    – Back to school support?
    – Support groups involving other previously abused women?
    If none of the above exist, maybe we people should start thinking of these. Often, in communities where are problem is not recognized or acknowledged, these organizations are started by recovering victims who volunteer, raise funds, and do not want to see this happen to others.
    At the very least, there ought to be a support group, that doesn’t require any funding, just requires a group of women and men to come together and talk and help each other.

    Like

  21. We can all fall in love and that love can be a mistake, Just because you fell in love and took a decision doesnt mean anything. Your decision to marry him was bad, reason : you didn’t know he was abusive before, you got conned, he is a skilled liar, happens, move on.
    Falling is love is not a crime, making mistakes is not a crime.
    however exposing your child to a abusive role model of a man is a terrible mistake. children learn from parents, children look up to mother nad father and mimic their actions.
    so even if you are habituated to the abuse and can take it ( ???) , get out for your son, so he doesn’t perpetuate the cycle of abuse. you gave birth to him, and are responsible for raising him right. would you let a thief / murderer live in your house and let your son emulate him???

    Like

  22. Many of the comments above attempt to justify the woman leaving. This would make sense if the husband and wife are fighting (beyond normal), the husband is mean, doesn’t treat her right, etc. This case however goes way beyond the man-being-a-traditional-jerk situation.
    No justification is needed. The woman needs to LEAVE, period.

    And we can’t reason with the woman. Abused women go through phases of ‘drowning’ and trying to ‘stay afloat’. – 80% of the time, they are ‘drowning’, beyond reasoning. 20% of the time they ‘wake up’, try to ‘stay afloat’, talk about their situation realistically, seek help.

    What happens in the West is that a friend/family members INTERVENES during this 20% ‘wake up’ time when the woman is receptive to help. The friend or family member gets her to join a counseling center that includes several services (legal, financial, etc.) plus the all-important support group of recovering victims.

    If we don’t have the above system in India, this friend who wrote the email needs to INTERVENE and get her all the help she can to facilitate leaving.

    2 more factors that are important here
    – Women who have witnessed abuse or have been subjected to abuse in the past are more likely to be drawn to controlling men, and to be abused in the future (this lady was abused by her past bf, little surprise that she married another abuser).
    – The fact that she’s working for an MNC, is independent and successful is IRRELEVANT when it comes to abuse. These things would matter in normal conflict situations where the partner is mean, nasty, or simply incompatible. There are lots of women in the West who continue to be abused everyday. They work and earn enough to support themselves. Society doesn’t disapprove of them leaving. Friends are telling them they should leave. And they STILL STAY. This is due to the psychological damage caused by battering. It has NOTHING to do with being financially independent or not.

    Like

    • This comment brought a huge amount of clarity to the discussion Priya. I suppose many of us find it difficult to differentiate between a case of textbook abuse and the “normal” challenges of being in an unequal marriage, Indian-style — indifferent husband, domineering inlaws etc,

      So many of our attitudes and belief systems about marriage tacitly sanction and encourage spousal abuse that its often a blurry line. Subconsciously, so many comments are justifying her decision to leave because ALL of us have brought into the myth that a marriage must be saved, no matter what.

      That’s the extent of our collective neurosis about mariuage

      Like

  23. Am not the email writer..am just another meek Indian literate girl affected by marriage.

    This email and all the replies have helped me in so many untold ways. I have been in a emotionally and physically abusive marriage and am not able to find the strength to move out as I have not been working for the last 2 years because of the kids. I am staying back with excuses like ” I did this mistake too” and “I also didnt satisfy that demand of his” and so on….I now realise that I have been stupid. I don’t know if I still have the courage to walk out..but am in the process of finding out some things. I have mailed IHM regarding this already and she has been helpful.

    Is there any single mother support group in India and counsellors for helping women come out of this?

    Like

      • I don’t know about any support groups, but I’m sure other people on this forum could help you find something. Meanwhile why don’t you get in touch with GGTS? She seems to have helped a lot of people, she could give you pointers.
        [http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/]

        Like

      • Dear Lavy, if you’re in Mumbai please approach Majlis run by Flavia Agnes who is herself a DV survivor.

        If you’re in Bangalore, please approach ALF, Alternative Law Forum. Its run by Aarti Mundkur. You can also approach Vimochana. I do not have information about other cities (unfortunately).

        May be others here could help?

        Like

    • Dear lavy,
      Do not underestimate yourself. When my son is unsure of himself or fears something, I always remind him what Christopher Robin said to Winne the Pooh (a favorite book from my childhood and his) –
      “You are stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and braver than you believe.”
      Believe in yourself lavy. The strength will follow.
      Hugs,
      priya

      Like

    • Lavy, when I was in Mumbai, I interviewed Flavia Agnes of Majlis, which seemed to deal in situations like these, providing legal help and other support to women in distress. I think they focus on economically poorer women, but if you contacted them they might direct you to the right resources in your city and for your situation: http://majlisbombay.org/

      Like

  24. To X,
    He can be a good father, but he is NOT a good husband. Let him have a joint custody if you think your son deserves a father. Him telling that he will have sole custody of your son is all BS. Don’t believe him. He just wants to scare you into submission.

    But, are you completely sure that he will not hurt your son?

    Like

  25. One more information for the email writer. My husband has also been threatening me that I will never get the custody of the kids if I decide to divorce him. Of course there are other times where he says that he will relinquish complete custody and he does not want to see the kids if we get divorced.

    He cannot prove the affair Y says X had. Proving an affair means showing letters, photos – the whole 9 yards. There had been nothing here and he cannot prove that. So..let him threaten. The custody will be tackled by court and the mother will get shared custody if not full custody. I would recommend making copies of the diary and recording some of the instances of abuse. This would help prove to the court that he is a pathetic father.

    Like

  26. Please just grab your friend and her son and take her somewhere safe. She has been abused so much that she is not in her right senses.

    And maybe if the abuse is happening when the son is not around, she might be thinking as long as we show a good face to him he will not know…but children are very perceptive. They will know something is wrong even if they are not witnessing it, so please if not for yourself at least do it for your son. Do not worry about losing your son in a legal battle, even if you had actually had an affair (which you didn’t) that doesn’t come near to what your husband has done. To that end please write down everything he says/does to you, if you can actually record it with a phone or something that is better, then post it on facebook. I don’t think it’s enough if you get out of this relationship, I think everyone should know what kind of a person your husband actually is. I hope someone here can share how exactly to go about filing charges for divorce/dv.

    I am really losing hope in people after reading this, even leaving the husband aside, if the fil knew about the abuse surely the mil did too. Even if she didn’t like her dil as a human being she should have had some compassion for another. And what kind of parent would be so cruel as to not support their daughter against abuse just because she married someone of her choice?? I know it’s common but it is something I will never understand.

    Like

  27. Hi,
    I am the Letter Writer. Thank you IHM for posting my mail and thank you everyone for your responses and encouragement. When there is a problem and our own family members don’t stand by us, its heartening to see all these responses from people who don’t know each other, taking time to pen down their thoughts and suggestions.

    I would like to add here that fortunately my friend’s son has not been a spectator to his parents fights all these years. They would either send him out of the room or he would be asleep most of the time. But he was witness to a recent huge fight a couple of months back where he did see his father raise his hand on his mother.

    @Raghav-I would specifically want to reply to you here. First of all you must understand how difficult it is for a woman to put up her problem on a public blog expecting help by way of suggestions and encouragement. Not all details can be put up here. When there are details mentioned, its best to stick to what you know by reading. You don’t have to, don’t need to ASSuME things you don’t know or are not mentioned. Every person is short tempered at one point or the other. Every couple get angry with each other and fight–either of them CAN start a fight and instigate each other. But that does not mean they need to be judged. A fight or argument does not start by itself–someone has to start it. No relationship is complete without an argument or fight. My friend has always been the one to accept her mistake and even apologize when she has crossed the line. She only expects the same from her husband. But that has never happened. At the end of the fight, he always manages to twist it onto her and blame her for what happens. Never has he accepted that he could be wrong too, it was wrong to say this, it was wrong to be sarcastic, it was wrong to call her names….No, he feels he is the perfectionist and that she is always to blame. Won’t anyone get rattled, irritated and more angry if that happens.
    One has to accept their mistakes and ensure that they don’t repeat them so that the relationship becomes stronger. You can have fights everyday too, it’s because there are 2 different individuals in a relationship, living under the same roof. They cannot agree on everything and keep smiling always. There are bound to be arguments. Otherwise we all have to keep marrying our own clones… and maybe SOME Men would love to get married to clones of their mothers.

    So, please keep your assumptions if you would like to write detective stories.
    And for all those who have given so many thumbs down, my friend and me would love to know what your thoughts are. I don’t understand how you can give a thumbs down to sane responses.

    Agreed that most of them have suggested that she should separate from her husband immediately. But if you have different views on how she should tackle the problems or make her husband understand that she too is a person, she too has feelings, she too needs respect—please, please pen down your thoughts and help the person who has requested for it. You are not doing anyone any favours by thumbing down others responses.

    Thank you all once again. Maybe my friend would not take the “D” route immediately, But you never know, it might happen some day. But for now, her husband is trying to change, the physical abuse has stopped for the last few months. He has begun realizing that she is not happy and is depressed.

    I just hope that she is able to come out of this rut and be happy. She deserves it. As I live in a different city, I am unable to offer her support by being at her side.

    Note–and yes WA stand for Wedding Anniversary. Sorry if that confused some of you.
    Thank you all once again.

    Like

    • First of all It is important that she has a friend like you who is genuinely concerned and is doing something to find a solution for her.In situations like these sometimes JUST A SINGLE HAND TO HOLD is needed to pull the person out of the bad situation.\
      Just tell her,her decision whatever it is has to be her own because yes as you said all of us know only the parts shared here I am sure there is a bigger picture too,but tell her a lot of women like her have found the strength and then the respect and happiness they deserve.God bless !

      Like

  28. Pingback: The email writer’s reply… specifically to Raghav. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  29. IHM,

    I can’t understand the purpose of publishing the comment by the letter writer as a separate post meant specifically for Raghav when you didn’t allow me to offer counterarguments nor an opportunity to clarify my stance which people disagreed with.

    You felt that people who made personal attacks on this particular blogpost should be allowed to do so.

    Then, there’s another case of a woman who a few days wrote about her sis’s husband being an a****** for spending some time with his mother and as a result, her sis (his wife) felt so-oppressed.

    IHM, it seems that the use of the expletive for a man/his family doesn’t count as verbal abuse for you when it’s the husband and his family at the receiving end.

    My comments devoid of personal attacks & abuse certainly need to moderated but not theirs??

    People who felt the to urge drive sense into my head (or may be I am so beyond any help!) need to examine their own prejudices.

    It seems that on your blog, the abuse of a husband can only be acknowledged (even that seems questionable, given the lack of laws protecting married men in our country & general insensitivity among people here) if it is outright physical, for people here feel that he and his heart is immune to any verbal,mental & emotional torture/abuse.

    That’s surely wouldn’t be the case, had it been his wife instead of him. (under similar circumstances without any physical abuse)

    Abuse is abuse regardless of the gender.of the victim & the perpetrate of the crime.
    Does it even matter if the abuse of married men at the hands of their wives isn’t recognized by law?

    Like

    • Raghav, first things first. We are talking about individual cases here. We are each giving our personal opinion. So the responses will be personal. IHM felt your views which clearly most of us are outraged with, should be allowed here. Similarly, she allowed all those comments against you. Simple freedom of expression.
      Second, please look at each case on its own merit. Don’t mix people’s lives up. These are separate people and they need separate advice.
      When a man is being abused, either mental or physical, we would say, Get separated and live your own life. Isn’t that what we are telling the lady here? So where is the question of bias.
      Of course, there it is another issue which you seem to be ignoring. It is financially and socially easier for a divorced man than it is for a woman and hence they(or in this case her friend) reach out for help.
      But there is one point from your comment I totally agree with. You are beyond any help. I am happy to see you realize that ;)

      Like

    • Of course abuse of married men is recognized, if in this case it was friend of the husband writing stating that his wife berates him and beats him couple times every month and the husband feels he is at fault for not satisfying his wife’s needs and demands then i don’t doubt everyone here would recommend he leave her, take his child with him and be done with the marriage and if possible file a case for abuse.

      now if it was a case where the husband was only verbally harassed and mentally tortured then again I’m sure the advise would be to walk out, take your child since a verbal abuser if bad for young kids and their upbringing.

      so i don’t know what you find hard to understand. in this email the man beat the women and her friend asked for suggestions . so the advise if all for the women, or would you rather we advise the man :-)

      Like

  30. Hi,
    Your friend’s story sounds like many other Indian Marriages. Your friend has gone through so much that she may not even realize that she is being abused. You as her friend need to help her.
    1. The most important thing is financial security. Make her see that she can actually be on her own and take care of her and her son’s financial needs.
    2. Give her a day where there is no husband, his phone call or his “BIG BROTHER” eyes. Suggest that she go to her mother’s place for few days on pretext of taking care of her mother. Then, take her out for shopping or for general things. Take her out with friends and others. Make sure that the husband is out of the picture for few days. She needs to see that she is happy when he or his overbearing person is not there on her mind.
    3. Then encourage her to leave her husband’s house and take a new place. She can first move to her mother’s place for few days and then move into her own place. Make sure to tell your friend to not tell about this plan to anybody, not her husband and not her mother. Inform them after moving into this new place that she has left him and will not go back to her husband.
    4. And then go ahead and file for a divorce. The husband will come back crawling and crying to your friend. I can guarantee you that this husband will cry, as in real crocodile tears. Don’t fall for it. Make that leap to be free.

    Like

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