Sharing an email.
“Getting married in 2 weeks and scared to Death (Love Marriage)”
Let me confess. I knew nothing about your blog about 15 mins ago. I googled “how to behave with in laws after marriage in India. (Yes some may think I am foolish but trust me I’m scared). Just 15 mins back I read one of your posts in the blog. was about how someone seperated from her in laws family is actually feeling at home. I was in love with that email.
Anyways, I am getting married in next 2 weeks with this guy I met last year in office. Ours is a love marriage. I love him a lot. and he too. I am not boasting but he is very good to me. very caring. More than what I am for him. We have never had any issues between us like money, freedom, continuing with job, modern lifestyle ec. We are always on the same page. He is all what I have wished for. He works in the US and I will be going with him in few weeks after marriage to US. Currently he is in india. he has taken leave for marriage.
Now the problem is, his family seems a bit traditional type. Ours is an inter-caste marriage. My family is a very outgoing modern big-city family. And my husband is from a smaller city in another state.
I have only spoken to them over phone Our parents have met personally and as per my mother they are pretty decent, soft spoken etc.
While they are good over the phone and all, I always get worried that how will I adjust in a different city with altogether different customs. My fiancee never calls me from his home. He says many people are around (too many elders in the family. He is the youngest of siblings). Although I never fight over this I always wonder will he be aloof from me when I go there. Will we never get to talk freely in our home? Will we get our space only in 4 closed walls of our bedroom. This thought actualy scares me.
While the above mentioned is not a big worry for me. What I have learned in past few months is that his bhabhi (elder brother’s wife) is a very conservative, homely , housewife. Their’s was arranged marriage of course. She is the one who cooks all the food. In charge of the kitchen. Now I am worried because I frankly, never cooked at home, I know a few simple dishes, can cut veggies but not really fond of entire 3 course meal cooking. I am ready to learn but I am scared. What if they expect me to come all prepared like their elder bahu? What if I get to hear taunts like “itna bhi nahi seekha“. Honestly, I am a very adjusting girl. I can readily learn stuff from elders. No problem in that. But I’m a bit short tempered. I cannot really bear taunts and accusations like that. How am I going to handle these situations? I don’t want to be a problem and a cause of embarrasment to my loving fiancé (husband in future).
My only big stress is that I am from a completely different upbringing. I am not one of those Hi-Fi city girls. but then, I am also not the household work kind of indian TV soap bahu. Hope you know what I mean. Hence I am worried about adjusting. I can learn and help my in laws. But I need my freedom too. I know reality is very different from what we want and wish! I love wearing punjabi suits. But cringe with the idea of wearing sarees all the time. (they love sarrees :( )… I want to wear my jeans too. Will wear it with a long kurta yaar. But atleast won’t have to part with it altogther. :(
Please say something positive that atleast I survive for 2 weeks with my in laws family. After that mostly I will go with my husband to US. but in-laws , as they say, are forever. wherever you go. I hate rejection. I will be very sad and depressed if my in laws don’t like me at all. I want their love. because I know that will make my husband happy too.
In response to my email:
About your questions now,
1. No his parents did not ask about my cooking skills when our parents met.
2. I have talked to my fiancee about all my fears . As I said he is very understanding (listens to me atleast). He said he is OK with what I am. The way I see him, he always wanted a modern girl.
One thing came across my mind after reading some emails on your blog – Should I talk to my finance about Nuclear family/ Joint family? His home is crowded all the time. 4 people stay at his home but including chacha , aunts, cousins its always 10 people. This isn’t a big problem if all are nice but there is certainly no privacy there which he himself told me! Moreover, so many ladies in one house. OMG!! I have stayed in joint family when I was young and I have seen what my Mom and aunt went through. After we separated (took 15 yrs) they both started loving and understanding each other. Just an example!!
I never discussed about this with him because I was of the opinion that since there is no IT companies in his city. (We both work in IT). There is less possibility that we will stay with my in-laws after marriage. Was I wrong in assuming this? If yes, when should I talk to him about this? Would he feel offended if I discuss about this?
He himself likes his freedom from what I know of him. But may be he has different plans for future.
Some more emails: