Arranged Marriage Market: “Oh! then our son has to take care of you and your wife too”!

Sharing yet another email – what does it say about the family values and respect for elders we take so much pride in?

Also shows how Indians see senior citizens as ‘parents of sons’.  

Arranged Marriage Market

Hello IHM,

I am subscribed to your blog and do read the blog posts frequently.  I am 29, have a Masters degree from a highly ranked university in the US and have been working for about 5 years now for a NGO in NYC.  I am a victim of the arranged marriage market. I am decent looking petite woman with my head on my shoulders but apparently that isn’t enough for most men and their families these days.

I’ve spoken/met “boys” aged between 29 and 34 years through the matrimonial websites, sometimes through family references. It makes me wonder if I am over matured or may be picky. I’ve been asked the weirdest of questions by these guys that I’ve either met or spoken to over the phone. Below are a few examples:

  • He asks me you are 29 and still single. Why? Are you picky? It was our first and last conversation. He was 30 years old.
  • You’ve been living in the same area for about 8 years now. Why haven’t you bought a house? I said “I can’t afford buying a house yet. I work for a Not-for-Profit”.He says “Oh! so you dont get paid? Are you a student? Where do you work then?”
  • You don’t like wearing branded clothes and shoes. I don’t think you can decorate my house well. – 31 year old
  • I couldn’t take you to table cloth restaurant, you didn’t throw a tantrum about it. Instead you were ok with Chinese take-out. Are you a saint? I dont like you because you are a saint- The same 31 year old as above. He had to drive 2 hours after dinner and it was 10:30 in the night when I said lets just take-out it’ll be faster.
  • You are 28 years old, you are pushing 30. When will you have kids, you should plan soon? – 29 year old, it was our second conversation.
  • Do you want to work after marriage? – 30 year old
  • The classic one and probably my favorite! From a 30 year old!
    I have actually been talking to other women while talking to you (I wonder how he found the time). There is this other girl who I like but I like you too. I want to continue talking to you and her but things are proceeding faster than I expected with her. I want to keep talking to you till I make a decision on both of you and it could be that I am almost ready to make a decision on her and I don’t want you to wait but I like you I want to continue talking to you.I guess I am being too picky. What do you think? I am just exhausted by this process. I am an only child. And a LOT of people when they call to present a marriage proposal for me, hang up on my Dad because am an only child. Reason being: “Oh! then our son has to take care of you and your wife too”!

Wow! Is this the generation I belong to? Pathetic. It scares me to get married because life as a single woman in NYC isn’t bad at all. Actually its a LOT of fun. Its peer pressure for me and my poor parents. The society doesn’t stop asking them when I’d get married. They’ve stopped going to weddings, attending family functions where 23-24 year old girls are ready to marry NRIs after talking to them over a webcam. I mean seriously, do I have my priorities all wrong? Am I just supposed to marry this guy who asks me if I want to work after getting married, or to the guy who’s asking me to bid for him, or to someone who thinks being accommodating is being “un-girly”?!

I proudly sponsored a 2 month trip for my parents to NY. I was damn proud that I wasn’t one of those who just got their parents to the US for baby sitting purposes. My parents were happy to visit me. For the first time, I saw my mother open up. I learned she loved adventure sports when she went para gliding and sky diving without my dad. My Dad was the chicken :) It was fun. It was beautiful until they proudly shared the pictures with my extended family. They got accused of living off their daughter’s money. They were told that they didn’t want to get me married because their only source of income would go away. My parents have refused to come to NYC ever since. Apparently, if you were a boy you could get your parents as often as you but as a girl, as an only child my parents can’t even visit me. Isn’t it unfair? I think it is bloody unfair so much so it makes my blood boil and I’ve stopped visiting anyone but my parents when I visit home. I got labeled the stubborn girl and again my poor parents got blamed for sending me to the US for getting a degree. “You sent her to America before marriage, see what has become of her. Now who will marry her”.

I am a self-made woman. I’ve studied all my life after high school on scholarships not because my Dad couldn’t afford my education but because I earned every one of them. Mom and Dad couldn’t be more proud of me but apprently my education, my independence and my self-made identity are my minuses in finding a husband.

If you happen to post this on your blog, please keep my identity anonymous. I don’t want my poor Dad to read any of my frustration because he often googles my name to make sure my reputation is intact if any eligible bachelor were to Google me.

Thank you for letting me vent.

* * *

Related Posts:

Yes I am Single. So?” – Ruchira

An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do.

Marriages are sold to Indian women in a glossy cover…?

An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

No Gajar Ka Halwa for an Indian Daughter in law?

The interference of parents in the married life of their daughters…

112 thoughts on “Arranged Marriage Market: “Oh! then our son has to take care of you and your wife too”!

  1. You are better off by yourself than being married to a man with a cabbage for a brain. You certainly have your priorities right. Don’t feel guilty for what your parents are going through – they should learn their own ways to defend themselves against the matrimonial mafia. There are men who do want women with a head on their shoulders…till you meet one (and if you still want marriage at that point), refuse to compromise. We all deserve the best we can get.

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  2. There are times in life you have to stand up for what you believe in. This is the time. people will emotionally blackmail you, our society is stuck in 300 years old mentality, you are in NYC, enjoy it.

    I believe I am going to face something similar soon but then, I am clear what I go through and if my family does not want to talk well, they made their choice and I made mine. It is a choice between who I am and what my family wants. Besides why should families hinge their happiness on my marriage? It is me marrying not anyone else.

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        • Yes, that’s the problem. They all look perfectly nice and well-mannered until they open their mouths and reveal their medieval attitude towards women and marriage.

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      • LOL Jerks do not come with nutrition labels on them. Do they? I wish they did.
        These are all highly educated individuals, earning around 80-200k USD. The worse part is that most of these men have sisters. I pity them.

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  3. Way to go! You arent alone… we hear you, we feel with you and we face the same or similar situations everyday :) We empathise and sympathise… we wall work for the day that this will be an exception rather than the rule! Go Girl!

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  4. Sorry, pressed post before i finished

    ” I am a victim of the arranged marriage market” – It is a choice to be a victim. Plain refuse to if you do not want arranged marriage. Tell your parents to stop looking. refuse to talk to guys they chose. make you life happen for you! Stop being in this victim mode.

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    • I don’t think its my parents fault. Is it? Don’t think its mainly an issue with the generation? Again, they aren’t exactly tagged as jerks for anyone to know from a profile on the internet. Are they? It would be my parents fault had they pressurized me to marry one of the above. Thankfully, they don’t.

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    • To add, what makes you think eharmony, sparkology, match.com, dont have these jerks? Those guys are actually worse. They are all there to just get laid.
      I’ve tried speed dating here in NYC. Trust me those aren’t just jerks, they are creeps.

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      • I did not recommend any dating sites. There are jerks everywhere. It is upto you to choose. Do I want arranged marriage or not? Do I want to put myself in the arranged marriage market or not? Do I let my parents choose or not? Do I go by what society expect or not? Can I live with the choices I make? You meet jerks in every point of life. But it is a choice of what to stand for and what you want. So you cannot change a system but you have a choice if to be in the system or not

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        • Well said SOS. I think there’s power in realising you have a choice. It’s then upto you to exercise that choice.

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  5. You are not picky – you are just sensible. It is just a mother-of-all gaslighting phenomenon – when an entire community makes you doubt yourself for being sensible.

    I am a bit disappointed with your parents. Instead of being proud of your achievements, they are allowing some XYZ to DICTATE AS TO HOW THEY SHOULD BEHAVE WITH THEIR OWN DAUGHTER. It is extremely sad they’ve never ATTEMPTED to see you in a different light, apart from as a ‘liability’ and ‘responsibility’. Everyone is an adult, everyone has a mental capacity to think. Either they can think, analyse and choose to be happy about the way you are – or they can play victim and wallow in self-pity. Sorry to be harsh but it is, what it is. As an offspring, I think you’ve kept up your end of the bargain – you’ve studied well, you made your own career and you are financially independent. You are logical, practical and even sensitive to others’ needs. Full marks girl! So don’t allow anyone, even your own parents, to make you feel worthless, make you doubt yourself, make you feel guilty for not throwing away your self respect and marrying an asshole. Can’t help but remember a quote from Shantaram – “Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and independence. After a while, you start throwing people out – your friends, everyone you used to know. And it’s still not enough. The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it’s going to take you down with it. I’ve seen that happen to a lot of girls here. That’s why I’m sick of love.”

    And yes…whenever I see that phrase ‘don’t be picky’ it gets my goat. You sure have to be picky because you are choosing a life partner not tomatoes.

    I’m a part of a group on FB…the avg age of the group must be above 50. Of course there are youngsters too – but largely the discussions etc are led by the 50-60+ members. Just going through some of the threads is enough to make me understand how screwed up things are. The immaturity of thought and words, the narrow-mindedness, the arrogance,the ignornace, the racist attitudes – it is very sad. I am sure their children would have imbibed the very same qualities. We all might find it horrifying that a guy can ask a girl about her plan for kids during the first meeting – but in his house they find it as a normal trait. Because social behaviour was never on the agenda during parenting. And day in and day out this is the only thing a large mass of Indians obsess about – marriage and babies. It’s as if nothing else exists in life.

    When the right guy comes along…he will find it difficult NOT to fall in love with someone as charming as you :) And then the SAME idiots who harassed your parents will suddenly sing your praises.

    Till then, DON’T GIVE IN.

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  6. You deserve way better! Like GB says, don’t give in to the arranged market mafia. I did and I learnt a very bitter lesson.

    It’s better to be single woman than be a divorced woman…. or an unhappily married woman.

    I went through the same thing…. Man after man with these outdated values came. I THOUGHT I picked the best of the lot – he turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing.

    And like SOS says, don’t give in to the victim mentality. You are not a victim, never!

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  7. I understand the feelings.of the lady who wrote this mail.
    I think it is a malice in Indian society which is deep rooted in psyche of many people, But I am sure things are changing. There are many who respect values that she has mentioned.
    Therefore my advice would be – I think its a matter of time that someone nice would come along. So please do not close the door; forgive and forget those with such idiotic mindset and do meet people. You are still young and can wait and watch and if even after a few years there is no one that matches your expectations, big deal ! – as you said, living alone is not a bad option at all :)…its a win-win :)

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  8. ROFL!!!
    I hear ya. Have my own list of amazing anecdotes :)
    No, you’re not being picky. Just sensible. But as they say, common sense is highly common. Esp in the matrimonial crowd.
    You’re not the only one in this predicament. I think women of our generation evolved. Quite a bit. The men got left behind a generation…
    It’s not likely to change too soon.. not until society as a whole re-evaluates all gender rules.

    Here’s an interesting read from someone who’s crossed that bridge and opted off : http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2012-09-why-it-might-be-the-end-of-men-for-many-women-in-my

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    • I think many Indian men unconsciously assume that being born male absolves them of the need to be humble, to be good humans.

      Many seem stuck in such age-old ruts. Its not even about being a good husband; many seem unable to comprehend their own mortality and the inherent frailty of the human condition. One day, death and disease comes to everybody, even men.

      In my experience, I’ve found that men who meditate regularly are a little more sensitive and subtle in their attitudes and reactions.

      They are more likely to make conscious choices about life and relationships, rather than men who follow conventional and recieved wisdom. They live more on auto-pilot.

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  9. Your main problem seems to be pressure from the relatives. Let me tell you how I deal with it. Just stop bothering about them or visiting them. Also, bluntly put them down when they talk non-sense. One can easily do it and live a much happier life, unless you have to pay them a big loan and/or they pay for your groceries, which I assume is not the case. Really, its not a big think once you make up your mind.

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    • Even if I have to pay them a big loan, I don’t think I owe them my personal life. If I were splurging on clubs and alcohol instead of paying them back I’d agree they have a say.

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  10. Until these men are able to find brides, they have no reason to evolve. OP, your priorities are in the right place.. it’s no one’s business if you pay for your parents trips and make a success out of yourself. A lot less women would suffer bad marriages if they make themselves independent.

    Good guys are out there, if you want a guy. Maybe the arranged marriage market is not the best place to find them. I have had cousins who were self made independent women and got the same grief from society when they were *gasp* 29 and unmarried. They were also looking in the arranged marriage market but there was a dearth of men on the same wavelength. They eventually met their ‘modern’ husbands outside of it, so it might help to broaden your horizons.

    Also, I have found that the matrimonial mafia and ‘log’ type relatives are just bullies. If we and our families stop listening to them and give fitting answers to a few, the others back off. After that, you actually start getting respect from this same society. I would guess if they feel like you are out of their reach, they put you on a pedestal to justify why they can’t affect you. It’s twister. Your parents should ask these folks to take a hike and continue to have happy visits with you. :-)

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    • Totally agree with you. It really pisses me off that her parents don’t want to visit her, just because some XYZ has some problem with it. Maybe they should realise that XYZ probably has a problem because they are jealous?

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      • Yep. Why do so many parents care more about some ‘log’ than theirs and their children’s happiness? Could say the same about spouses/ in-laws etc. It’s the old sita and dhobi story from ramayana..

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      • agree !! and yes most men call their mom only after they have kids ?? IT is selfish ..one of my aunts even charged 500 dollars / month for baby sitting from her own son. She refused to be taken for granted .If men are so keen in taking care of their parents , i want to see them invite their parents regularly and then pamper them like we single women do. And for heaven sake invite both your parents together and not your mom for baby sitting.

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  11. I too have been looking for a life partner for some time but its hard to find one compatible….even we guys come across people whose perception and disposition is much different. Like this girl I too am living abroad where it becomes much harder to find the right one

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  12. Why the heck is the OP trying to get into an arranged marriage? Even if she is attempting to meet and talk to them first, picking guys registered on an Indian marital website is the worst way to do it. She also seems to love being single, so maybe marriage is not the right step for her at this point. In New York, there’d be tons of eligible guys she could date and have a long term relationship with before figuring out if marrying one of them would work out for her. I find it funny and weird at the same time that a lot of Indian women who insist they are liberated from Indian cultural shackles don’t really know that they are still affected by all the social conditioning they had to endure through their upbringing.

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      • I’d say they were lucky. Matrimonial websites usually attract a particular kind of client; usually people looking for shortcuts.

        I say this because I was on one such site a few years ago. Men who are genuinely progressive, and want egalitarian/non-traditional relationships usually keep off these sites, for some reason.

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        • Wowow.

          > Men who are genuinely progressive, and
          > want egalitarian/non-traditional relationships
          > usually keep off these sites, for some reason.

          I would strongly reject that. Men (atleast in Chennai, not women, more on that later) who are genuinely progressive often have nowhere to go *except* Matrimony websites!

          Its just that finding them takes effort and patience because:
          a) As you probably know, the majority of candidates in India don’t seem to qualify for even my idea of progressive (And I definitely am not “progressive” by IHM standards).
          b) Those who don’t find partners stay longer on the database and skew results further (this is well known effect in all classifieds, especially real estate).
          c) And *most* importantly – the websites project info that lets you very quickly dismiss good candidates because they seem to be tailored towards a culture of quick decision making using overly simplified objective metrics.

          Irrespective of how minimally we value some metrics, if those are what are presented to you in a search result of 10 samples, you will initially filter on those. That’s simply how our thinking seems to work. The seeker has to understand this and probe a little more.

          To give an example, gounderbrownie (see the first post on this thread and her blog), I am imagining from her post about it, would have easily dismissed her husband if his profile merely appeared as one of many search results in a matrimonial website.

          Me and my wife just went thru three months of trying to help a few of our friends find partners and were horrified by the websites in like five minutes. We knew the good candidates were out there – damn it, we just saw them put up, now how can we find them?!!

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        • SlightlyChauvinistic. You certainly have a point about the confirmation bias these sites base their search queries on.

          When I was on Shaadi.com, I had written a 1000-word profile detailing my core values (ultra-liberal), lifestyle, socio-economic background and expectations from a spouse.

          I had men call me up, and after a few minutes ask perfunctory questions that were already answered in my profile. These included things like would I quit work after marriage or change my food habits (duh).

          I also encountered men who, after a few meetings, conveyed obliquely that they were looking for a casual sexual relationship, not necessarily marriage. While there is nothing wrong with wanting that, it’s best to state this clearly at the outset and not lead people on.

          They thought I’d be similarly inclined because I’d checked the “occasionally drink” item on my profile (rolling my eyes).

          In 2008, on a whim, I created a fake profile — of a 24-year old woman, an engineer well-versed in Bharathanatyam and vegetarian cooking, who believed in traditional “family values” and “respected elders”.

          I received an astounding 245 interests, mostly from men in their 20s. My real profile had only garnered 20-odd interests over a 2-year period. Hence my conclusion about progressive men keeping off such websites. :)

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        • Biwo, you caught my attention when you mentioned that you checked the “occasionally drink” box. Time for the cliche:
          Can I has frandship with you? :-) :-)

          Kidding aside, I know exactly what you mean. One of my classmates I was talking about actually gave up drinking so he could check the “teetotaler” box and start receiving replies (My wife applauds him. He actually gave up, he didn’t want to lie). But wait, hear more! Lo and behold, the matrimonial website now works for him!

          As I said, it takes some seeking. Your experiment does prove that these people are hard to find. But where else can they be? Peacocks are hard to spot because they are naturally rare, even in India. But your chances of finding them in India are obviously the best anywhere in the world. When you are seeking for a rare commodity you have to take the first steps. Waiting for people to seek you out tends to be a bad idea.

          It also explains why those men seeking casual sex are not upfront about it. I have mixed feelings about that mode of operation. I know its slimy, but If they did mention it upfront, I am almost certain that they would be less successful. I do condemn them wasting too much of other peoples time though.

          I don’t know your profile, but a little less information with just some hints of liberalism could have helped. Sometimes, as I said, people dismiss a profile because of one line or one checkbox that they disagree with – and some lines are easy to misinterpret, easy to assign a different weight to than the profile owner intended and some checkboxes are chosen because there are no intermediate choices.

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  13. I totally get the fact that this is quite annoying and frustrating. But, just a quick question – the last comment about the guy being confused about two women. Personally I think I appreciate the fact that he was upfront about the whole deal instead of hiding it and telling you later that it was not working out. He was confused, I agree. But, I do not find the whole thing conservative in any way.

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    • I gave him full marks for honesty but how did he expect I would react? I’ll be on standby while you keep talking to me. I wasn’t sure what to tell him. I really even now don’t. I don’t think it’s possible for me to keep talking to a guy knowing that he’s talking someone else somewhere it killed my interest in him. Especially when he’s saying I am close to making a decision on her but want to keep talking to you. My solution was ” since you are so close to making a decision on her. Make it. I’ll wait.” i found that better than continuing to talk to him. But I just found the whole situation weird.

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  14. I can absolutely relate to the lady’s ordeal. Marriage in India seems to be just about everyone’s business who is even remotely related/known to the bride or the groom. And this phenomenon is specially a nightmare if you are a girl or a girl’s parent.

    Somehow I feel that this obsession with marriage in our society is a big (if not the biggest) cause of female feticide/infanticide in our country. Ever since a girl is born, her life is directed towards the ultimate event – ‘The Wedding’ !

    Until a few years ago, I imagined this phenomenon to affect only girls. But being a guy, I found my imagination to be wrong as I (and my parents) were (and still are) subjected to a similar trial. Me being 35, and still single, we are constantly questioned about why I’m still not married off. On more than a few occasions, I had to tell off some nosey relatives who had the audacity to say to my Mom things like “You are eligible to sit and relax now and have a daughter-in-law do the house work. Why don’t you get him married?” I’ve even been rude to a few by saying things like “No ! We don’t need a maid.” While some others are not just in doubt, but are pretty sure that I’m going around with many girls. And amazingly, some of my own friends have asked me if I’m straight and do like girls or otherwise !

    Personally, I have nothing against marriages or even arranged-marriages. But people just refuse to understand that I’m not ‘looking’ for a wife who will do the house work, have babies, look after my parents or will add to the family’s income if she is working. Ok, I may not be capable of having babies by myself (does that really matter ?) but I’m still capable to do my bit in the house work and look after my parents. People refuse to accept that my ultimate aim in life is NOT to get married. Of course I will marry someone whom I find in life and would want to spend my life with. But not because I have some needs that a ‘wife’ is required to fulfill. And by the grace of God, I have wonderful parents who understand me and have the courage to keep all nosey-parkers at bay.

    And we seem to have this ‘unsaid but understood’ criteria of eligibility to get married. For girls, it is usually a certain age, touching which they become eligible. And also, there seems to be an upper age limit for girls too, beyond which, their eligibility is put into doubt. The sooner they are ‘married off’ near the upper limit, the better.

    For guys, it’s about the time when they start earning. The invitations for prospective brides are thrown open the day when a guy brings home his first salary. I noticed this sometime back and this was part of the reason I left my job to pursue my dream of higher studies to become a neuro-surgeon. So, thankfully, I have myself scratched off my eligibility to get married by being un-employed. And it sure seems to be working well till now. :-)

    But I agree to the comments above which say you don’t have to be a victim unless you decide to. No one can force you into something you don’t wish to. Just like it is wrong to forcefully separate two people who want to get married to each other, it is equally wrong to force someone into marrying a stranger just for the sake of it.

    I admire the lady (who wrote the email) for living her life the way she wants to. It would be even better if she completely ignores the ‘Marriage-mafia’ and keeps away from the ‘prospective grooms’ in the ‘Marriage market’.

    Just to end on a lighter note, do take a look on my post about the time when I was almost engaged. :D

    http://mindzpeak.blogspot.in/2012_05_01_archive.html

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    • Absolutely !
      It has to do with the herd mentality of Indians as a whole.
      For guys its study(engineering or medical), get a job, get married, have kids.
      For girls, study enough to be eligible for getting proposals from good families, marry and have kids.
      Majority of the population doesnt want to venture outside this successful formula of so called living.

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    • Your comment came as a breath of fresh air. It is not just an Indian phenomenon, but everywhere east of Istanbul, marriage and having babies is supposed to be one’s primary objective in life (whether they want to or not is irrelevant). I always thought the whole ‘marriage mafia’ thing is a mainland Indian arranged marriage phenomenon, until I got promoted to Captain and visited home during the holidays, only to have my people try to introduce me to ‘prospectives’ during social dos and other events.
       
      My father and step-mother on the other hand, who are aware of my hedonist, have deemed me a ‘black sheep of the family who lives in sin’. I have had my parents call me an irresponsible selfish person because I am unwilling to do my ‘duty’ of ‘settling down’ and propagating my ‘tribe’; while random people in my homeland have been casting aspertions on my sexuality and potency. I can only imagine what this letter writer and other mainland Indians go through, since they have it far worse because of a more conservative social setup.

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    • I agree it’s not just girls…I know my male friends from India were pressured too. Funny thing is from my school friends, all the males barring one are married while there are two of us women who are still not married.

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  15. I am aghast at the so called ‘log’ back home who have the gall to comment on your parents’ life choices. I wish they would not feel bad about it. Those people know no better.

    I am also surprised that given how educated and accomplished you seem to be, you call yourself a ‘victim’. It is a stressful spot to be in, agreed, but no one can make you a victim unless you agree to it. You sound smart, successful, sensible. Your parents are really lucky to have you for a daughter. Please don’t feel cornered.

    I have been in a similar situation myself and know how it is. Some guys (and girls) on the ‘lookout’ have very weird, specific demands. Some of them are stalkers. Some are merely socially awkward. A few are chauvinistic to the hilt. One got hold of my office phone number and called me at 11 AM wanting to chat :P One guy (on the first meeting) said he did not learn to cook so that his wife could not ‘make him cook for her’. One guy’s first mail had one line asking me what my zodiac sign was, and then replied saying “he knew we were compatible”. Another guy that I turned down added me on Facebook under a false girl name (Ananya, incidentally) and started commenting on all my pictures until I discovered it and unfriended him. I have also met a guy who told me he was a sociopath and was looking to get married just to keep his parents happy (!) These incidents make for a good story, a good laugh, but nothing more in my book.

    It is important to know who we are, what we stand for, and realize that just because someone comes with a proposal or flatters us or compliments us, it does not mean we need to marry them. It is okay to be choosy, picky, whatever.It is generally a no-no in Indian society for a girl to be picky, but I feel that if there is one thing we should all have, men and women, it is high standards and the resolve not to compromise them.

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  16. been there, done that, in India and that too in a small town in Kerala, with two younger sisters of marriagable age. I was lucky enough to have a strong mother who didn’t give a damn about what the society would say and got her second daughter married off when I refused to do so before completing my studies, something that was almost unheard of in our community.
    was again lucky enough to find the right guy on my own at 30 and I don’t think I missed out on anything. the key I guess is to be very clear on what you want and keep your mind open.
    ultimately it is your life and there are good guys out there :-)

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  17. Lot of good advice above.

    Will add to say this: I realise you seem to only be meeting only museum pieces and therefore might think you will have to choose from this pool only. But IMO it is better not being married than being married to an idiot who will totally ruin your happiness.

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  18. hello mail writer.

    greetings. Glad you know your mind and stand up for what you believe. It is indeed pathetic that the society has double standards – visiting a girl sponsored by her is taken as living off her while the same thing from a boy is held in the high esteem. While I can totally relate to your parent’s need to see you married and be happy, I somehow don’t relish the
    // I don’t want my poor Dad to read any of my frustration because he often googles my name to make sure my reputation is intact if any eligible bachelor were to Google me//

    I really want you to let your parents know what is bothering you; your frustrations and anger is well justified and it is time they know it. Also, you have been living on your own in NYC for quite some time ; your parents know you well, and if there is anything for them to know you must be telling them. so why does your father has to search the net to assure himself that there is nothing to tarnish your reputation for any prospective son-in-law. Sorry for being so blatant about it but that bothers me. It is like he is assuring himself that you are prim n proper rather than anybody else.

    Also, please don’t feel victimized. your education and your self-identity has shaped you in to what you are and any person marrying you would indeed be a lucky man to have a strong lady- so don’t feel bad about that. It is time to look up. Somebody worthy of you is out there somewhere; believe in that ! And don’t give a damn to what anyone else says. Stay happy !

    Like

    • Also, how is posting your views on IHM’s blog a reputation-shattering activity?

      Perhaps the OP would be better off not marrying a man who actually Googles her name and take umbrage at her speaking her mind on an online forum.

      Like

  19. I think the thing that shocked me the most was the remark by the relatives that her parents were living off her money and that is why they did not want to get her married. So it’s okay to live off a son’s money, but not a daughter’s? And why does getting married mean that she cannot still support her parents, if she wants to?

    Like

  20. DOn’t lose heart. I do believe matrimonial websites work but only if you use it as an introductory tool. My brother met his wife thru one and they seem happy married now. . he did chat with her for quite a while and met many times and took almost close to 2 yrs for both of them to commit to a relationship. so it works, give it time, go out and meet people who knows whom you may like. But be happy in your current state . There is no fixed time limit goal for marriage as you probably know. let your parents worry about replies to society on their end.

    Arranged marriages work for some, doesn’t work for some, just like if you choose your partner. we as people change and evolve as we grow up, I don’t think people in their 30′s have the same type of start to a marriage as peoplein their 20″s do. one is not better than the other just different.
    You have to first meet the right person and want to have a relationship with him/her. the meeting part can be arranged and various tools like websites etc., used but the chemistry, wanting to be together, compatibility is something which you have to decide on and which takes time.

    Again appearences are deceptive. The first time i met my husband i thought he was arrogant, spoiled rich brat who thought he was god’s gift to women. the thruth couldn’t have been more opposite to that. I thnk you need time to judge a person and also both of you must want marriage. and no not all men are idiots, there are plenty of great men these days, the youngsters i see and very nice and very equitable. just a matter of finding the rigt person for you.

    people always tell me i married young, i left my parental home aginst their wishes and walked away with my spouse. i have never regretted a single day of this marriage, i also didn’t have a long relationship, it was under a yr. but you will know if the right person comes along and sometimes you may thnk he is the right person but may turn out to be wrong, be prepared to leave if it’s a wrong choice. no one knows how people will change, you must do whatever it takes to be HAPPY. you have 1 life Live it happily. — ok end of lecture :-)

    Like

  21. Apart from nobody having the right to interfere with your life, I also think you should relax about finding a husband. From what you wrote in your email, I understood you would not mind getting married per se, as long as it is the right guy. That’s fair enough, but I think the hunt for a husband is much more stressful than just looking for a boyfriend. When I met my now-husband for the first time, I was not interested in getting married at all. So I did not have to run through my check list for potential husbands: will he share chores with me, will he be OK to take parental leave too, will he like my family etc. Instead I could focus on checking whether I could have a good time with him, without anticipating the eventual outcome.

    Turned out it was the best choice of my life. We lived together for about two years, then got married and we are still perfectly happy. What I mean to say is, if you are looking for love, thinking of marriage can make the entire thing very stressful and close many doors. Remain open for possibilities. Someone who does not strike you as ideal husband during the first five minutes can turn out to be your perfect match if there is no pressure involved. My mother uses to say: “You need to go through several caterpillars before you find the butterfly.” So if you really want a partner, enjoy looking for one instead of letting misogynists annoy you. Or enjoy your single life. It’s entirely your choice.

    Like

  22. Oh Lordy!! I cant believe that is the way this Generation of males are thinking… Ok! its official, we need a department of Common Sense in each and every community’s association.

    No you arent picky, you are Sensible…and being sensible, especially being a Sensible Woman, is like being the one eyed Jack in the sea of Blind people. I am glad you havent succumbed to pressure, which I think is the lousiest reason for getting married or having children. Do not make choices you will regret later. Willing you strength to stand by your convictions.

    Like

  23. Lady…I am not going to be saying anything you would not already have heard from the comments above. But, I was once like you, 28 years old and single. I faced very similar questions from possible suitors, including one who told me on the very first day we met that he wanted babies immediately because he was 33. I was infuriated, but slowly learnt to see the humour in the situation. Also, like you, I refused to attend wedding for a whole two years before I realized that by withdrawing into a shell, I was helping nobody.

    It may be hard, people may tell you to “settle down”. But, I can tell you from my own personal experience, that you will one day meet a man you really want to spend the rest of your life with. Mine was an arranged marriage as well, but to a man who is truly worth me. If this way works for you, great. But, if you decide that you’d rather live your life single until you chance upon a man who’s worth it, it’s entirely your choice. Just don’t, for god’s sake, “settle” because it’s time to get married, because you’re growing old, or because your parents want you to get married. Marry a man because you want to.

    Like

  24. I was in the same boat a year ago, but as a male I heard some similar ridiculous comments from women too, like “you have been working for so long, why don’t you own a house yet?” and and that too this comes in the very first conversation! Oh well, the priorities of people these days! They come prepared with a list of things! Damn it, we are talking to know each other! This is not a business deal!

    Like

    • when people ask me this question i tell them ” because my dad had two houses , one of them is mine ” Thats enough for me from investment perse….. i buy shoes and clothes and party and see the world instead … .
      why i dnt have a car .?? because i dnt enjoy driving ..I prefer spending money on taxis .. I stay closer to work and sometimes walk to work ..I am a manager .so ??? when you don’t really care , ppl stop bothering you after a while.

      Like

  25. It doesn’t surprise me at all. I remember once my sister met a guy flying all the way from New York to California in the middle of her work & everything under all kinds of family pressure. And finally guy rejected the offer, saying she was an year younger to him! Atleast the a**hole could have found a better reason, can’t he see the birth date on the bio-data!..

    I loved the para about you being proud that you sponsored your parents trip.. etc.. Kudos!

    I have no solutions for you, except that go to hell with this males & the society – live life in your terms. the same sister is now in NY, PM me if you think we can make your life any better..

    On the spiritual side, I would say always think nice things- somewhere something beautiful the universe would have planned it out for you. Amen!

    Like

  26. I just didn’t get it. A 29-year-old woman working in an NGO in NYC complains about the arranged marriage mafia. It seems odd but an arranged match in NYC? I just don’t get it unless the woman is very sure she wants to be married to an Indian or within her own ethnic culture!!!!! Or she has been played enough/played enough without finding ‘the one’ and now wants the arranged marriage route. Sorry, but my blunt question would have been — Couldn’t you find a man yourself?
    Secondly, there’s nothing unique about the arranged marriage market. Many would have dating market horrors. Thirdly, we men have a long list of complaints. Fourthly, there’s nothing unique in friends and family asking when you are going to marry or settle. Even whites, blacks etc etc do the same in the US. It’s not as if her parents were dragging her to the altar against her will.
    Its funny how feminism has become reduced to anonymous letters and women moaning in unison. A woman complains her husband shouted at her and it becomes a topic for much breast beating commentary. I guess we men should also start blogging about how our wives abuse us often (they shout at us, they nag us at times and yes they also love us at times). My wife shouted at me (waaaah, waaah – women are so evil!!!!!!)
    laughing all the way.

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  27. Me and my brother are in the same boat as yours

    We are 29 year old singles , Masters from top colleges in India ,Working for 5 years and few months, Me in delhi, he in NYC

    And obviously there is tremendous parental pressure to get married.

    My sugestions, speaking from my experiences

    Do not give in to the parent / extened family / society pressure on marriage ever. Do whatever it takes to avoid it – from giving them a piece of your mind ( I did that ) to cutting off communcation in this matter ( my brother does this ) . Marrying might seems like an escape route but it does not actually resolve anything, but will only lead to bigger issue. You should marry only when you yourself want it.

    Do not read too much into questions asked by guys – people come from different background and have different personalities , you are bound to run into few wierd pieces every now and than.just ignore and move on.

    Also neverthink you are a loser because you have not got married by a so called expected time , or because you are having trouble finding guys. Trust me it is not easy finding a good spouse(especially if you have different expectations than the society stereotypes ). I myself have met 35 – 40 girls but no luck. Sometimes it is really frustating . But the answer is not to say yes to anybody, but wait.

    Regarding your parents , I will say they are behaving in a totally obselete manner , and you need to be assertive and tell them and what they are doing and why they are doing it are both totally wrong.They are not living off their daughter ( its only a two month trip – life is much longer than that , is it not ) . And there is absolutley nothing wrong in enjoying a daughter sponsored vacation.

    Sometimes it seems that in Indian societies , even parents lack self esteem, and fall prey to society’s / relative’s unreasonable mocking and taunts; even though they know they are not responsible. That is what your parents are doing . Tell them they should not avoid social functions, and may be need to develop a thick skin

    Regards

    Like

  28. Been there..I kept nodding my head when I read your post. I have faced each and everything you mentioned in the post.
    Many men cannot stand if a woman is independent and well-educated. It has to do with their ego I guess.. They would prefer a less-educated girl to a well-educated. But not all men think like that. You just need to search more.

    Like

    • And man if you have an opinion on top of being girl! Is it a crime or what?! One guy and I had a huge argument because he thought Mitt Romney should win and I thought Obama! If we were married, he would’ve divorced me!

      Like

    • one of my cousin who stayed at uk for 3 years and got married to village girl .. his point ” girls who leaves her house once , is not worth marrying” …We know what he means …his parents are proud that he is a sanskari guy …they don’t know he frequently brags about scoring with Goris during his stint there .. No wonder I can’t tolerate this ASS for more than 2 secs.

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  29. Hello Mail Writer,

    I understand the frustration and your thinking on marriage.
    One thing is, human being needs a company. I am not sure what to say, because I am thinking while I am writing this.
    We have to be sure who we want in our lives and equally others would be sure who they want. There will be certain confusion depending on individual circumstances, but ultimately u should gain a general idea on men.

    Any marriage involves calculations, like only child, any obligations (loans/work), any historical illness etc etc…these are usually asked before just get a greater understanding of the prospect. It does NOT mean they want to deny us. Your way of handling these queries triggers a lot of responses here. When in arranged match you will be in the spotlight (not so comfortable situation :-) ), but try to be as clear and honest as possible. Because these are no big deals after marriage. There are thousands of only girls who get married everyday and I know many, who haven’t even heard a remark of stating that they have to take care of parents. Parents are parents, if you have to you have to.

    There has to be some common ground of understanding here and your way of handling means a lot to the guy approaching. If we want everything the way we like, so do they. Just let me put it straight, because you could afford (circumstances and money) you could get your parents for a pleasure trip. It does not mean that parents who come for baby sitting are used here. They are just showing a different way of bonding. I dont mean to offend you, but it is never possible to get a tailor made guy to fit this bill of ‘my way’. I felt that from your examples, where you dont leave a benefit of doubt for other’s personality. Dont judge too quickly, u will land in trouble later, if not now.

    Dear, at 29 things look easy. At 34 they are not the same.

    I am not telling you to bow down, but there are guys around who are excellent and do consider a woman’s feelings. May be you did not strike the right conversation. Try to think, things cant go very wrong for a qualified girl, with right attitude and right personality. Just a matter of time. All the best!

    Like

    • I am sorry I disagree.

      Why do you think she did not strike the right conversation? Why is it not okay to be proud to have been able to call parents over without a justifiably selfish reason that most folks do(ie baby-sitting)?

      Sorry to be blunt here, but what this girl presents is the situation of tens of thousands of girls. Forget single child, even if you are a woman with no brothers the remark of ‘our son having to look after you’ is made to parents who only have daughters. I have heard this myself from a perfectly nice person, and it was so unexpected that I was actually speechless (and that is a rare event ;) ).

      Like

      • yea ..things are different at 29 and will be different at 34 ..she will do better in her career , wuld have met people with broader horizons with varied interests and would have evolved as a person herself. She might have called her parents again few times and finally they also would start appreciating that a single and happy daughter is better than a married and unhappy one. May be she would come across a perfect partner and decide to stay together .. there are hundred of good possibilities why people try to tell women there life will be doomed if they don’t marry next not so bad guy before they turn 30.

        May be you have to accept that life is no so bad without a lord and master in our lives. why should she strikes the right conversation to bring the best out of a guy. why don’t our men make some effort . Why men always want to change a women and not go and find a women of their own liking. She is in a different league , she doesn’t need a typical Indian household and husband.Accept it and move on !!!

        Like

      • I agee with everything except the babysitting part :-) if i had a daughter or son and they lived far far away , i would in a heartbeat go and do babysitting for 6 months. in a heartbeat.
        but if i were not mobile( meaning no dri lic and no car) i would not go and sit inthe US for 6 months being bored out of my mind. I don’t see why people in US get a bad rap for asking their parents to come help whent he baby is born. I always a small lack of mom when i delivered, inspite of having a fab mami and excellent husband who did it all.
        sometimes i think we are too judgemental. My 2nd cousin went to US to help her daughter and didn’t want to come back after 6 months and separate from her grandkid :-) the very same lady went 2 yrs ago when there was no child for 1 month and was bored out of her mind and depressed sitting without contact, this inspite of her daughter and sil dragging her around half the countryside showing her sights, some people are just not touristy, absolutely nothing wrong in that.

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    • I am sorry, I think you missed the line where she mentions they hung up on her Dad because their son might need to take care of her parents. Where is her leap of judgement in that?

      Like

  30. No one has the right to dictate your life to you. I am glad that you have lived according to your own set of rules. Keep sticking to them.
    I know our parents are from a different generation and for them the whole going-with-the-society thing is important but when it starts interfearing too much with the relationships, it is time to chuck it out of the window. I think you really need to have a heart to heart (I imagine you might already have) with your parents and let them know what you think. Ask them not to listen to anybody with a sick mind and give a reply which will make that person think twice before attacking their integrity again. Believe me, this is the only option. They have to fight back for their peace of mind and yours.
    People will torment you till you allow them. Kick such people out.
    I got married via a matrimonial site and was fortunate enough to get the best life partner I would have asked for but I was very comfortable with the idea that if I do not find anyone in a year or two, I shall be staying single and had made this clear to my parents. Also, I was ready for all kind of nonsense that would have come my way if I would have stayed single and I was ready with some very acidic answers. :) I know my parents would have gone in the martyr-mode just like your parents but we have to find our own strengths to fight back.

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  31. If you are only looking for a groom so that the “log” back in India will leave your parents be, then you should stop looking. Why would you marry someone just so that people (who don’t pay any of your bills, mind you) will stop their gossiping? You said that the single life in NYC is a lot of fun (I live here, so I know that it is) and you elude to peer pressure being the reason you want to hang up your single status.

    So many times I see the mindset of men questioned on this blog (and 99.9% of the time it is rightly so), but let’s talk about the mindset of the women. You are not a victim of the arranged marriage market, you are a PARTICIPANT. You are willing to make one of the biggest decisions of your life to ease peer pressure. These foolish men you have been talking to, are probably doing the same thing. And for what?

    You live in NYC where there is PLENTY of men of every type to get to know. Of course some of them just want to get laid, that could be found anywhere. I’m sure some of the guys on your matrimonial site just want to get laid too. It happens.

    Go out and meet men that you would like to get to know. Make male friends. Maybe meet guys that your girlfriends think might be nice for you. Make decisions because you WANT to, not because of some pressure. You live in a country where you are free to get to know anyone from everywhere.

    Marriage should be this beautiful thing. Not a rush against a culturally-constructed clock.

    I am still waiting for the day when someone writes in and says that they had the balls to tell the “log” to “Shut the h*ll up and stay out of my business.” Please. Is there not a soul out there brave enough to do such?

    I think

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  32. You are not being picky. I’m almost 29 (early next year) and single and loving it. My parents get similar questions as yours with regards to me “settling down”. However, my mum in particular has learnt to tell people that I am happy doing what I do and if I get married, it’s my choice [I've trained her well! ;)]. On a serious note, you are away from most of it so it really shouldn’t impact on you. Don’t settle to get married just because society says you must. And I’m sure your parents will learn in time to stand up to these people who question them. The only difference between your family situation and mine is that I have a younger sister. People are going to say you’ve changed and you are stubborn but I know for me, it goes in one ear and out the other. Those snippets of conversations you shared with us are appalling. Don’t settle! Be as picky as you want. Take your time. And in the mean time, enjoy life in NYC!

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  33. Talking about matrimonial site ….one of a well meaning uncle was suggesting dad another day to try out matrimonial site for my second wedding , that’s after my dad said she is not interested in marriage right now . Then they had to point out i am getting old ..my dad said she is just 32 . she is in an impt project right now and will spend next 1 and half year travelling . I know he was trying to be polite with this uncle , but i loved the fact he was unapologetic about me being single and loving it .
    Later me and mom were just contemplating about what my matrimonial profile will be
    32 year old divorcee , pro-choice , independent , hates cooking for more than once a week , drinks and dance every weekend , takes her job seriously and respect people who takes their seriously. strictly believes in nuclear family and that’s just 2 people for her . NO kids / may be adopted later / no pets / and no unannounced guests at home. Looking for like minded guy , preferably who can cook well .,I have some other things to mention but i think with this I will get more hate mails than proposal … may be its time I stat a live-in website for people like us , but in place like India , I can see people faking for the sake of easy sex ( for them that’s live-in)

    For the writer ..take your time , don’t really worry about marriage … It’s not a great achievement as we Indians believe . meet like minded people ( they are not likely to be at Matri website ) , date a few and may be when u find the perfect life partner take it to next level.

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  34. It could have been me writing this email. I did my master’s in the US, worked there, happily and proudly brought my parents over to visit and started the groom-hunting process when I was 25 and a half. I met more than my fair share of morons during the search. It drove me to despair at times. However, it helped that I had a couple of close friends in very similar situations – so we could share stuff and laugh about it. My parents were different in that they tried to not fall prey to all the guilt trippers (living off daughters (yup, my older sister was unmarried then too), not settled the daughters, have no sense of duty etc. etc. etc.) – so they visited me a couple of times in the US and always walked with their heads held high for having accomplished daughters, never mind that they were not “settled” in the Indian sense. They believed that it was best for us to get married when we found someone we truly liked rather than get married for the sake of getting married.

    Finally at the age of 28.5, I met someone my parents found on a matchmaking site. I talked to him for a few months and found he was normal – among other things, he could not see what the big deal was in seeing men and women as equal in all aspects – that was a given, no? Yup, I had finally found my non-moron.

    Point is, though majority of the single males out there are weirdos***, there are normal people as well, though much fewer in number, who will be compatible with your views and appreciate your true worth. The only thing is, don’t get frustrated till you find him. It helps to look at the funny side of it (my friends and I had started a private blog to chronicle our strange encounters with the weirdo kind) and recognize that marriage is just one aspect to your life. You are doing well in all other spheres – enjoy it! You do not come with a sell by date and don’t let anyone else convince you otherwise. I can say this with confidence – my friends and I got hitched at 29. My sister got hitched at 31. The wait was worth it for all of us. Good luck and chin up!

    *** I know this is a sweeping statement, but believe me, I met enough weird prospective grooms to convince me this is true. By weirdo, I mean people with views and attitudes that belong to the stone age.

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  35. Of the whole list of guys you posted about, the only legit question I thought is – do you plan to work after marriage? Its better that he clears that upfront rather than having expectations that you would leave your job after marriage and then that expectation leading to arguments. There are some men who do not want their wives to work after marriage; and there are women who happily give it up because even if they aren’t interested in working. I know friends who used to work before marriage but it was even their own condition that they wouldn’t work after marriage, not even the boy’s or his family’s condition. And sometimes there are men who want their wives to work after marriage but the lady in question does not want to. So better to clarify it before marriage. But you would have guessed his intention best after having spoken to him. Some people can be really dumb. As for your parents visit to NYC, my husband and I also had our parents visit us for the same reason. Simply for them to come and enjoy and not simply get burdened with responsibility. I think you were perfectly sane to have them over and I dont see anything wrong with it. They are your parents. If a boy can splurge on his parents and wish to have them enjoy their life why shouldn’t a girl? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but your relatives have probably lost it. I just told someone yesterday that sometimes people say the most disgusting things because they are jealous that they couldn’t have the fun you’re having. So they think they can justify their happiness by slinging mud on others. I got one word for you for such people. Ignore. Its just not worth it. I understand that your parents still have to deal with it. Its tough.

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  37. Like everything else, there should be a system where some of these men are barred from arranged marriages and should be forced to go find a girl on their own. They would be miserable losers. As for talking to multiple girls at the same time, I have seen both guys and girls doing it. Talking to many before deciding upon one. Call it the advent of online chatting! Some attitudes will take a long time to change. You can give yourself a pat on your back for what you are :)

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  38. She does have a valid complaint. If her parents are getting shied away from visiting her because the ‘arranged marriage mafia’ disapproves of it. She might have been forced to look into the arranged marriage market out of the pressure. It happens. It is not easy to be ‘marriageable’ and single, especially if one has a lot of nosy and insufferable ‘well wishers’.
     
    However, I do think she is a little quick with the dismissals. Or maybe she isn’t able to articulate properly. I mean, I would 29 year old working woman in New York City is looking for men from matrimonial sites is a little..what to say? I also think if she wants to work after marriage, a perfectly valid question. Some men actually prefer to be the sole bread earner, which is as much a matter of choice, as a woman who wants to work.
     
    Also, as some have mentioned, the man might also wonder if she’d stop working after marriage just so that he has to work harder to support the couple (which in my personal opinion, is parochial and unfair, even if it has been institutionalised in the patriarchal psyche).
     
    Given that we are talking about the United States, I’d also like to know if a woman is ‘working’ just to look busy till she finds a man to ‘rescue’ herself from having to earn a living. I don’t think it is fair for a well earning man to be an ‘independant’ woman’s meal ticket or housing loan (unless he is okay with the arrangement, in exchange for other tangible benefits).
     
    The bottomline is, excluding the ones asking the stupid questions, the rest of your ‘suitors don’t know you. As much as you would want and intellectual and interesting conversation, you are still in the ‘meat market’, so they want their own apprehensions clear as well.

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    • How she chooses to find her partner is her wish. Weren’t you quick in judging her? “I mean, I would 29 year old working woman in New York City is looking for men from matrimonial sites is a little..what to say?”.
      Its her choice.

      Like

      • ‘Quick’ is relative. I read this a day before I made the reply above. I am critiquing her choice of looking for man in the matrimonial meat market. Thats different from judging others.

        And what with the ‘its her choice’ parroting? It is not like I am standing in her way of choosing a man the arranged way. Its her choice, but I critique it as a bad choice. Just like your choice to parrot ‘it is her choice’, without making any sense whatsoever.

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  39. Though the matrimonial mafia (love that coinage!) has been hounding my parents for a few years now, I am lucky to have escaped this vetting process and such experiences. How I wish I could meet these bozos and their families and scandalize them. Imagine them asking you, “Khana banana aata hai?” and “How much did you score in your boards?”, and you discreetly letting them know you get dead drunk, are a closet hacker, have significantly more friends of the opposite sex than those of your own, and have done lots of activist stuff that could have landed you behind bars. Fun!

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  40. I can understand this pressure. All your friends are getting married and your family starts bugging you. “you have to get married” “We gave you too much freedom” tears and drama. “we are from a respectable family”. Annoying when people close to you, start doing this and putting these conditions and hinge their happiness on you.

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  42. “I am a self-made woman. I’ve studied all my life after high school on scholarships not because my Dad couldn’t afford my education but because I earned every one of them. Mom and Dad couldn’t be more proud of me but apprently my education, my independence and my self-made identity are my minuses in finding a husband.”
    i couldnt agree more, and im having the same problems, yet im not willing to compromise, why should i?, its my life!!

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  44. Hi. My 2 cents on this…

    1. Please do not screw your life by getting married until you are sure about the guy, his ambitions, his expectations from his life partner and most importantly his family.

    2. Convince your parents to stay with you or visit you often.The society exists only to put pressure and since your parents too are a part of the society they must respond to the comments / lectures of the near and dear ones. Its high time they stood for themselves and you and stopped others from maligning your reputation in the society. Ask them to question these stupid relatives about their children.

    Also, try and discard the guilt. Even though I am a guy still I became a victim of this guilt and got married as per my parents choice. Obviously, they did not have any idea of me now but me 10 years ago when I left home right after my high school. It ended up in a screwed up marriage. On their pretext I produced a child and now I wonder whats going on. I work for one of the Worlds largest IT Cos, have traveled the world and know people and various cultures well. My wife hails from a village called Paratwada and that bloody village does not even have a Railway Station. I married in the hope that this moron can learn the urban ways. I was even ready to finance for her MBA but now post marriage I realize she studied all through in a Marathi school, that her degrees are fake and the worst thing she suffers from hell lot of health issues. She is her mom’s 7th child. I wonder at times what had happened to my senses when I succumbed to this pressure from my parents. The realization started when I gave her the newspaper and asked her to read an article aloud for my parents to hear. She did not follow, when I asked her as to what the problem was she replied saying she can’t read aloud and if she does she will not be able to understand the content as she would be focusing on the reading and I was like “Hogaya Syappa”

    Conclusion: I have a baby boy who is just 1 year old and for the sake of his future I will have to tolerate this bitch all my life. For the people who are thinking that I am a pig, let me tell you this ***** is not so innocent, not even 6 months after the marriage she started misbehaving with my innocent parents so much so that they left me and have not returned till date. They are happily settled our hometown, at peace and well fed. At least I am happy that they are out of this mess.

    SO, be wise and do not SUCCUMB …

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  45. Pingback: And if you are unlucky, you will get an American daughter-in-law. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  46. Pingback: ‘Older people in our society need to learn to have a life of their own. Instead of seeking happiness in their kids’ lives, …’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  47. completely understand. have been going through this nightmare myself. the boyz just keep quiet or talk little while their parents do all the talking. in fact they don’t bother to express their views at all.

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