An email: Satyamev Jayate touched a deep wound. After almost 30 years I broke the silence.

Sharing an email from a courageous victim survivor of child sexual abuse.

Hi iHM,

It is all very easy for us to expect that the child should come and report everything. How is it possible when the child is already traumatized, hardly aware and scared and betrayed? The ability to sense the behaviour changes, to listen to what the child is hinting at, to create the bond of trust and safety with the child, to care more about the child than the society, to stand up for the child and put a stop to the sexual abuse are some of the things parents need to do before they ask children to speak up.

Satyamev Jayate touched a deep wound. Listening to the survivor stories a memory came haunting from the past. A dark secret buried deep inside, something that must have down the line changed my whole personality and what I am now.  Talking to my son I realized that however open a household environment is there are certain things that stunt the growth and health of a child. Child abuse doesn’t occur only in houses which are chained by so called social “norms, values” etc it happens wherever there is a child who is vulnerable.  Abusers target children who can be soft targets, knowing everything about their background and psyche, winning their trust and providing that comfort zone which sometimes a child lacks. I am a survivor.

After almost 30 years I broke the silence. I told my elder one.  He was the first to know my story.

As a 11 year old I had no one to turn to not even my parents. Even though they did not bring us up in so called “traditional way”, even though mine is a highly educated and cultured family apart from a cousin of mine, hardly anyone noticed any signs of behaviour changes in me and those who did, gave their own interpretation to it.

A male relative made me touch him on some occasions during our visits to my granny’s home in the darkness of a room full of relatives.  Usually the lights were low as everyone gathered in the living room for music and after-dinner chit chat. Adults, children everyone. I have no idea what emotions I went through as I went through the routine. Guilt and shame were just some of the things I felt.  He gave me access to porn magazines and porn videos which I vehemently refused. “Girls your age like to see them.” I was told I wasn’t normal if am not interested in it. It was only for short duration that all this happened but it scarred my being.

I slowly found myself and let it pass like a nightmare but it was superficial for I know now what impact it had,  it must have had on me. I moved on and maybe made myself believe that at least it did not go further than what it was. I even kept the relationships intact even with the uncle.  Why? I don’t know, maybe because my hurt was channelized towards parents. There was hardly any sibling communication with my older brothers.  I can’t analyze it now. Nor do I want to.

Now at almost 40, I am unable to relive and understand what the child (me) was feeling.  My anger and hurt was directed more towards my family than him. On one hand I rebelled, misbehaved, deliberately did things to provoke and on the other curled up inside and lost all confidence in myself. I felt that I was the reason for people to take advantage of me. I searched for comfort, understanding, love and trust in every person I came across. Trusted easily and got hurt easily.

I felt I was “the seductive child” , later a “seductive” adolescent and adult. I was always shamefully aware of the glances that made me uncomfortable*. I never could stand up and fight though I pretended to be brave. Sometimes landed up in fights as I tried to remain as tomboyish as possible, but growing up I couldn’t stop.  It was a bitter sweet emotional rollercoaster that I had to face all the time.  The family issues of growing up years, the pain of being uncared for (I felt I was) , the gap that was slowly getting deeper and wider between me and my family  made me a nervous, shy, vulnerable girl. It took me a life time to get even one percent of it out of my system.

The later years as a teenager were even worse. There was always a conflict inside me, a turmoil.

I always landed up with wrong people, did the wrong things though I was a good student with sports background and an outdoor person. As I grew older slowly I caged myself. I didn’t have many friends in real time but had lots of pen-pals. The distance made me feel safe. I fell in and out of love , not knowing what I wanted from myself. That was the time I created a world inside me, a world of stories and dreams. I kept diary.

I wanted to seek security in marriage. That was the biggest mistake I made. My judgment was also scarred.

After a lot of inner dialogue I decided to break it all to my mother during this episode of Satyamev Jayate.

What was her response?

“Shocking, why didn’t you tell?”

We had a long discussion on that.

I made my elder one sit and listen to all of it, it was part of his lesson in life. As a person who has been through it I wanted my children to know about it, children can help each other, if they can’t open up with the parents, they can support each other.

Nothing changes. No one actually helps you deal with what you go through unless you do it yourself. The solutions and help all come from within.

Once you accept those then you can seek the right person to help you which in itself is a task for the most trusted are the ones who stab you in the back.

Fortunately one thing I never gave up was the will to bring the change, to never let my voice be stilled again.  Over the years I learned to have courage to face the challenges and stand up for my dignity. I made sure my children grew up in as normal environment as I could possibly create.

I also took some steps to cleanse myself of the past. Sometimes one has to completely cut oneself off to heal. I did just that.  I decided never again to visit my uncle’s home though I had forgiven and moved on long ago. This final step had to be taken.

Some aspects of my personality have been scarred for good and I wonder if I will ever be able to heal them. Only time will tell.

I thought of writing this not for any sympathy or support but as a therapy and as an eye opener for others.

I lost many beautiful years struggling with myself to decide who I was and what I wanted from myself and life.  Do not waste time in standing up and saying that first NO.  You owe that much to the life you have been given.

Hope you will find time for this, I just poured my heart out.

A CSA Survivor.

Related Links and posts.

1.

Myth: Children are seductive.

Fact: No. Humans are born sexual beings and children have a natural curiosity about their bodies. They need and seek safe, appropriate and healthy physical affection. Sexual offenders exploit children’s curiosity and their need for affection. Children who are sexually abused learn, usually at a very young age, that the price they have to pay for attention and affection is sexual activity. This learned sexually reactive behavior is interpreted by adults as seductive. Click to read.

2.  The seductive child – Convicts tell “…stories of succumbing to the wiles of young ones…” “Good, decent men. Men who would never, ever, ever stand accused of aggravated rape or molestation if some hot to trot child hadn’t taken their innocence away.”

3. Sex Education has nothing to do with Blue Films.

4. To keep a child safe – Smitha

5. Satayamev Jayate – 2.. My thoughts:- Child Sexual Abuse, Women, Men, India. - Bikram

6. Satyamev Jayate on CSA  – Kiran Manral

79 thoughts on “An email: Satyamev Jayate touched a deep wound. After almost 30 years I broke the silence.

  1. Good of the show , its bringing out people who have gone through. and others are knowing about it

    and YESTERDAY THE BILL ALSO GOT PASSED on child sexual abuse and should be a law soon , I sincerely believe its because of the show.. this is a start so hopefully and fingers crossed more new changes will come to be ..

    My wishes and thoughts to the emailer ..

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  2. Same thing happened to me when I was a kid, same response in a way too, especially when i discovered the power of alcohol to rise above it all (actually, just sank lower). My tormentors were servants though — would have probably been worse if it was a relative, if such things can even be compared on a scale. I’m really past dwelling on that stuff now, though I spent years using those experiences to justify my self-destructive behaviour. Good on you for speaking up about it and I hope you’re able to move past it and let the past relinquish its hold — that uncle does deserve to be outed though.

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    • //I was always shamefully aware of the glances that made me uncomfortable// Don’t you think this is a very usual thing for women? All women get stared at but an abuse victim would not realise that… and might blame herself for lecherous stares.

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      • ////I was always shamefully aware of the glances that made me uncomfortable//
        How true! I was some 10-11 years old when someone touched me the wrong way, I felt a hand going in my shirt. It was at a cousin’s wedding, everyone sleeping on floor in a room, tired, it was dark and I didn’t know who it was, I got up and slept somewhere else. I didn’t even turn the lights on to see who it was, I didn’t tell what happened to anyone. Nothing. I considered myself guilty for what happened! In the morning I saw who was sleeping at that spot where I was when it happened, it was a boy aged some 20-21 years and the way he looked at me made me feel uncomfortable but I never told anyone. You know, when you are growing up hearing victim blaming everywhere, ” no doubt boys tease her, look how she walks”, “why boys only tease her, there are other girls in the neighbourhood too? It’s because even boys know which girl is of which kind!(yeah, people say such things too)” you start blaming yourself when something wrong happens with you. Everytime someone stared at me made me want to hide somewhere. Anyways, once an uncle told my cousin, who was some 8-9 years old at that time, some things about her breasts and when we all girls told this to elders, all they said ” bacche bhi kya kya bolte hain.” and that’s it. However, we all cousins since then started being cold to him and another uncle who was also like this one, and this happens till date, while the former had died now but the other one maintains a great distance from us girls even now for we don’t care if he’s alone or in public, we are going to insult him everytime he comes near us and he knows it.

        Biggest flaw is that parents never teach their kids about good touch and the bad touch. It’s more important than teaching them ‘pankha kaise ghoomta hain beta?’

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        • Your comment reminded me of someone putting a hand inside my shirt too @ night in a bus when I was hardly 10yrs old. And there was an other creepy middle aged guy standing near our school bus stand everyday showing his private parts. I remember being confused and scared, but never complained to anyone, instead was only extra protective about my younger sibling!

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  3. I loved the comment one of the ladies made on the show, ” When elders don’t talk about these things openly how can we expect children to speak up?”. Parents need to be extra careful about these things and convince the child that they’re with him/her no matter what. God knows how much I worry about my 4 yr old son…its scary :(
    The lady did a good thing by making her elder one witness her self-account. The scars she has can’t possibly be wiped out completely but pouring her heart out can be a big step towards healing. Coming out with it was a brave step. My regards and best wishes with her.

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    • Yes, it was painful for me to just listen to Harish’s story on Satyamev Jayate.

      I cannot even begin to imagine what he must have experienced all those years,
      So many years spent in silent agony, misery and self-blame.

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        • It’s so nice to know that you’re reading this thread. Hugs :) I could completely relate to you when on SMJ, you spoke of how your dog sensed your despair.

          Animals are capable of loving with a profundity and intensity that few humans are capable of.

          I hope your courage inspires many other CSA victims to speak up. Few taboos are stronger than the taboo against discussing the sexual abuse of children.

          All the best and thank you for sharing your pain with us,

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  4. I think most of us have been victims – in some way or the other. It is so shameful that little kids are called seductive or made the perpetrators by these so called mature and decent adults. I am so glad that this show has come and brought these issues out in the open

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  5. Just writing this email must have released you in a small way – although it is nothing compared to trauma you’ve gone through. It is especially so courageous of you to have shared this with your SON.

    CSA is even more complicated in our society because of the sheer network of ‘elders’ in any given family. It always sends such conflicting messages to a child when the ‘uncle’ is looked up to by the parents and is generally considered as a respected member of the family. in general, our generation and previous generations grew up with the with messages that said ‘listen to elders’, ‘obey elders’, ‘elders know best’. The concept of inculcating individuality from early childhood, the ability to assess a situation, the ability to speak one’s mind was never on the agenda – indeed I believe many adults today are a mere reflection of their elders’ thoughts and behaviour. This being the case, for a child to speak about something so shameful, that too against a ‘trusted’ elder is next to impossible.

    But thankfully, at least now this crime is not being swept under the carpet – we are more equipped to sensitise children, and we ourselves are better prepared when it comes to spotting these ‘uncles’. Your email may have given courage to many other survivors to speak up.

    That you have forgiven the beast and moved on is a reflection of your immense strength.

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    • I agree. ‘Respect/obey your elders’ and ‘Elders are always right’ – these ‘Indian culture’ rules have been much abused to perpetrate CSA – sadly at the cost of young innocent children. As Kiran Manral has rightly said in her blog, too often the perpetrators of CSA are these “elders” in the family – someone the child trusts – an uncle, a grandfather, a brother, a family friend, household help, and yes, sometimes the father too. I am sure Satyamev Jayate caused many of these “elders” to quake in their shoes and secretly worry if they would be outed.

      This is a harsh statement, but victims of CSA who have experienced abuse at the hands of these individuals know it to be true.

      This is not to view all “elders” suspiciously – but rather acknowledge that a child should be taught to not take the “elder rules” as a blanket statement for a child to listen to and do everything that an elder asks them to do. To teach a child to differentiate right from wrong. To be bold and frank and to report things if they encounter anything that seems unusual or uncomfortable. To have the spunk and courage to fearlessly rebuke a child abuser in a loud voice, so the person would think twice before repeating the act.

      It’s high time Indian society woke up and acknowledged this horrible truth. This is an acknowledged problem in the rest of the world and children are educated at an early age to be aware and watch out for any form of CSA. It’s only recently that CSA has been the topic of public discussion in India. Hats of to those who have the courage to bring this sensitive topic to the fore via blogs, and programs like Satyamev Jayate.

      It’s time

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  6. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully writing about this helped you as well.

    ‘It is all very easy for us to expect that the child should come and report everything. How is it possible when the child is already traumatized, hardly aware and scared and betrayed? ‘ – This is so clear. As parents, not only do we need to talk to your children, but also listen to them, watch out for them. As Harish Iyer’s mum said on the show, even if your child indicates non-verbally, as a parent, we have to gear ourselves to notice it, and have the courage to take the necessary action..

    It is wonderful though, to see the kind of effect the show has had. Atleast a large majority is now aware of the dangers that lurk around our children.

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  7. Even if it takes a show like Satymave jayate to help people come out and talk about it, be it…. I as a mom feel scared at times that whether I will be able to pick up those silent signals ..

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  8. I have an uncle in my house who tried to do the same things to some girls in the neighborhood, show porn magazines/pictures etc. My aunt came to know about it and cried a lot with me. With me and my sister he never got a chance as he did not live nearby, but whenever he was around he made us uncomfortable by commenting on our looks or dressing. Today, he is 60 , but I wonder if he has any victims left behind.

    I have an other uncle who made us uncomfortable by trying to touch us on our thighs, rubbing our backs etc and not in a good way. The elders around thought it was an ‘affectionate’ gesture but he always made me & my sis very uncomfortable. As adults we now talk about it and make sure he is not around little gals, but since he is known in the family circles as a jovial, fun-loving person no one will believe us even if we tell these things to other elders.

    Even as an adult I am clueless how to deal with these men in my own family.

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  9. I am glad you could break the silence after 30 years. Hugs to you. And I am so hapy to note that you told your child as well.
    Sometimes parents go overboard protecting (or trying to protect) children. And this only in the form of ruthless policing, never letting the child go anywhere without supervision, always speaking in aggressive voice to the child as if she has already done something wrong. I purposely did not add ‘he’ in the previous sentence because ‘he’ is thought not to need such policing.
    My parents too were very strict, always made me feel as if I had committed some crime if I ever happened to be by myself or out of their sight even for a short while, from quite young days. They never let me play, never allowed me to visit friends. I was a lonely child. I never understood what they were suspicious about or what wrong I could have committed or could. Just that it always made me feel guilty of having done something.
    Came a day when I faced abuse from a close family member. Thank fully I never had to face him again after that. I never even thought for a moment of confiding to my parents because I was already feeling guilty for nothing. How can you approach parents who have already condemned and treated you as guilty? They were always on my back with, “What are you doing?” which translated to ‘you must be up to no good’ They treated me guilty even before anything happened that when it did, I never went to them for support. I don’t even think of them as ‘support’, not to this day. I am my own support. I became my own support-system. Yes, sometimes I do feel I could let the burden off my shoulder for a while. But I haven’t found anyone strong enough or someone I feel I can trust that much. This is the first time in my life that I am even mentioning it to anyone other than my own self.

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    • “I never even thought for a moment of confiding to my parents because I was already feeling guilty for nothing. How can you approach parents who have already condemned and treated you as guilty? ”

      This is so important for those of us who are parents to remember.

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  10. Thanks for sharing IHM. I hope her courage will act like a spark and light a flame in every heart. Parents need to make themselves able to listen and recognize signs. It is important. It is also important that the child is given enough counselling and support and Love to heal and regain the confidence.

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  11. Reblogged this on Spinning a Yarn Of Life and commented:
    A courageous post by a survivor. CSA can be in any form. It can happen with any child. I will parents need to make themselves able to listen to their child and recognize the signs, also it is important to help the child heal and regain confidence through Counseling, love, and compassion. Read this story originally published on IHM’s blog.

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  12. I had a friend in school who used to behave very oddly. She was a happy girl but suddenly her grades dropped and although she was good in sports she stopped playing. He parents were very strict and she started to lie a lot. So everyone in school started to distance themselves from her.

    She then started to bunk school but people did not pay a lot of attention. She one day confined in me that her uncle was sexually abusing her. I told this to one of our teachers but no one listened or did anything.

    She slowly stopped coming to school. Till one day we found out that she had committed suicide. She was only 13 years old then. And even now when I think of her it makes me sad. That no one listened to her.

    It just made me aware of men and what they did or said. My own mama used to touch me inappropriately when I grew up I told this to my mother who confided in me that he had done it to her as well. And it made me wonder why did my mom ever leave me with him or why did we even go to his house.

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  13. Paedophiles infiltrate every part of society, don’t they? They often tend to show up in positions where they will be in close contact with children, such as jolly family members, priests, school teachers, school bus drivers, etc. It’s hard to follow a child as they go around their daily lives, and it would be suffocating for them as well. The best way out is to get to know who a child interacts with everyday, and teach them about good touch and bad touch, and that parents are always there to listen and take action. Sadly all of this puts the onus on the parents and not all parents are as diligent in teaching their children these things. It would be an added measure of protection to teach children about protection from abuse in schools as well.

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  14. Pingback: An email: Satyamev Jayate touched a deep wound. After almost 30 … – What Is Abuse

  15. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It does take a lot of courage to break the silence and be able to talk about a traumatic past. My best wishes to you!
    I am glad that a show like Satyamev Jayate is covering such hard-hitting issues and is able to reach out and make that much needed impact on the lives of so many people! And now with the bill on child sexual abuse having been passed there is truly a light of hope in sight.

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  16. Reading the posts and the replies, my hands r shivering. So is my heart beating in its heights.. I wonder how will our children grow up safely. Sigh!

    Lot of incidents come to my mind, which I heard n experienced. Sharing the most shocking one here..

    My mom went to our family doctor one day, for her normal BP check – up. She came back all in tears. She told us about a case which the doctor shared with her. Seems a high school girl was brought to the doctor by her parents. The parents spoke to the doctor first about the girl. She was quite a cheerful girl. Suddenly she went gloomy one day, lost interest in everything, stopped going to school, stopped taking food n all. The doctor did a rough check up n couldnt diagose much. The parents were asked to wait outside n the doc spoke to her alone. She broke open herself to the doctor after sometime. Know what? Her father, a just gulf-returned have used her n the girl is now pregnant. Just think a father n a daughter. This happened in Kerala, where the literacy was 100%. What does people mean by being educated after all??This was not reported anywhere, bcos the girl is of “marriageable age and is from a very well known family”. Thats it.

    As my mom is a high school teacher, she is exposed to so many issues her students, esp. girls, face. She use to come and tell us, the advice and counselling she give for her students. Initially I use to think what is wrong with my mom. Y is she talking of all these “negatives” all the time, and what business has she got to do in her students life. But as I grew up, I realised what it means to have such a person in my life as well as her students’. Many a times, I have seen her crying reading the newspaper or watching TV, about such cases. Now as I stay away from here, she rings me up every now and then just to know that I am safe. Sometimes, I get irritated n shouts her back. Then she will say, Baby, the world is so mean now, U dont know who is attacked where n how. I just wana know you are safe. Its a mothers heart.

    As Say Cheese pointed out above, most of the abused children are not having the freedom / courage to report it to their parents. And if at all they do, the mothers either threaten them by speaking huge volumes about their family or they shout at the kid, “y u, only u?” or ” its all your fault”. What we need is the mothers who will support the children and an open forum where the parents and children sit together an talk of such happenings.

    In one way or the other, we are all abused, aren’t we?

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  17. If the child doesn’t get proper support and healing after the incident there are also chances that he/she may get subjected to further abuse later in life at one level or another. I know of a woman who went to her homeopath and as all homeopaths he began counselling her. In that process he found a soft target and tried to make passes and even tried to touch her genitals/ breasts as part of examination. She of course understood the moment it began and resisted, later walked out but her mental state was troubled as the earlier memory back hitting back.They just lose confidence sometimes . She gave a signal that she isn’t going to take the shit but kept going to him in lack of any other option close to home. He persisted by calling her etc. She made sure someone was always with her. Finally she stopped. The calls continued. The doc was in his mid fifties and a womanizer as later revealed.

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  18. MerryGirl
    Even in families where there an open forum , the chances of a victim speaking out is less.Sometimes the circumstances are such that the child believes there wont be any point raising alarm as it would further complicate lives. Children in age group 10 onward are many times aware of most of the things. They are intelligent enough to know that silence will at least not hurt as much as rejection or denial or a controversy and argument / fight among parents. The sibling bond sometimes helps where the elder one can protect the younger or they can share their troubles. Depends on how close knit the children are. Mostly kids learn from what they see. Children from dysfunctional or such families where parents treat them as “just kids” suffer more. They should be treated as individuals and told to respect behavior not age. It was mentioned in SMJ too.

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  19. Big hugs to you letterwritter…you have been really brave and am glad that you finally found the courage to come open..

    Often despite free communication between parents and children, some things are very difficult to tell and again confusion on whether you are over imagining or did it really happen…

    Let me tell you something…my grand uncle….I always was uncomfortable with him..remember he was my grandfather’s age..somehow, all us girl cousins ranging from 12 years to 7 years, never went near him..there was something about him that made all us wary. the way he looked at us, the way he spoke to us…I dont know what..and then when my eldest cousin got married, he was so old that he couldnt walk by himself to the car…so he asked me to help him to the car… I was just out of college then…I went reluctantly..but I went..and then he caught my hand and his hand brushed against my breast…I felt like scum of the earth but I kept silent because the wedding ws till on..he was 80 years then..and yet….

    Thank you for speaking you…you gave me courage to speak out as well

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  20. Our culture strictly encourages children to respect people for their age, and for being relatives. Children should be told to respect people only for their conduct. Pedophiles at no cost should be allowed to get away. Their deeds should be brought out in the open. I’m glad about the child helpline that has been introduced for children. This would be helpful especially for those children who are hesitant to report such matters to their parents.

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  21. The sad bit of child abuse in Asia is, the family oriented social framework creates conditions that foster child abuse. Ignorance about sexual issues is considered a ‘charm of innocence’ and hence, children who are abused are often ashamed to complain what they experienced. Not to mention, parents are uncomfortable dealing with such issues, so they simply ‘hush, hush’ it off. At times, they even berate the kid for thinking such ‘dirty’ things, which they pretend is the kid’s imagination.

    Watch this video –>

    I had it linked to me a couple of months back, when I was gathering material on the prevalence of both CPA and CSA in Asian cultures. The worst part of having immediate or extended family members predate on is that it is often difficult for a kid to get away or avoid situations that open them up to abuse. It is a trapped feeling because the adults simply don’t understand.

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  22. I am glad that so many people are coming out and sharing their stories. Although this will not ease their pain, but it will give courage to many. Awareness is the key here and our willingness to fight back. Thankfully, the bill has been passed. Lets hope it materializes into something concrete.

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  23. This was the only episode I watched and the line that stayed with me was – Respect behaviour and not age. Apparently most abusers convince themselves to believe that the child actually enjoys it!
    And most perverts target kids because they are too sacred to react.

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  24. Dear IHM,
    The child abuse episode of SMJ actually brought out a dark memory buried deep inside a long time ago but still painful to touch and throbbing like a wounded thing.Hugs to the survivors who had the courage to speak out ..I wish I had someone to share…To let it out of my soul for the first time ,I am sharing it here .so that I can let it go (it wont go..I know but still..) I was 6 or 7 at the time and my cousin who was a teenager then made me touch him and also touched me inappropriately.This happened 2 or 3 times.Now I am in my 30s and when I look back I still find fault with me because I didnt say NO.I loved to read and he used to lure me with books so I would enter his room and this all happened then. The most horrible thing is that I still have to face that SCUM sometimes.As I said ,it only happened 2 or 3 times and after that he was a perfect brotherly person.I know I sound ridiculous but I think may be he made a mistake in his teenage and he repents now..I dont know…When I see him nowadays..I want to ask why did he do that to me but I dont have courage coz if my husband comes to know of it all the blame will be on me.My husband will never understand.I even hinted to him that around 50% children are abused sexually and in most of the case its the relatives and he shrugged and said it wont occur in our households ,it happens only in morally corrupt people and even if it happens wont the child tell their parents ?? So if the child doesnt tell and if it repeats who is at fault ?? Imagine my plight !!
    I dont know what goes thru my mind nowadays when I see my husband and my cousin chatting amicably..I sometimes wish I was abused by a stranger so that I would never have to face him (I KNOW I SOUND CRAZY) What do you all think ??Sorry IHM its loonggg ( I can write a book,the feelings are that much messed up and I cant imagine the plight of victims who went thru years of serious abuse)

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    • Hugs the lost little girl – this sounds like a horrible situation. Let me share your comment in the post today. Did your cousin ever express regret? Is there someway you can completely avoid him? Can you confront him with the support of your parents or siblings?

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      • Dear IHM,
        My hands are trembling as I type this.Thanks a lot for the response.As far as your queries are concerned ,my cousin haven’t expressed regret.Whenever we have to meet for family occasions I act as if nothing has happened.As I said,it happened only 2 or 3 times and involved only inappropriate touching(I am not making the matter trivial),I am finding solace in thinking that may be it was a phase of his curious teenage days coz after I grew he never repeated it and behaved like a brother.To those who read ,in no way I am justifying his actions but its a way of finding peace or coming into terms with the incident.Even if he express his regret I will never be able to forgive coz that thing will haunt me till death.I can never avoid him coz not only is he my cousin but he is my neighbor also:-(( .About confronting him with the support of my parents,siblings etc….well not even in my dreams I can think of it.I come from a traditional but educated background where we never talked about sex or things like that.The nearest thing which my parents did was to give me a book which dealt with the so called ‘taboo’ topics when my marriage was fixed(by the time I was 23!!)So just imagine the shock of my parents if I reveal it now.The first thing they will ask is why I didnt tell them earlier .Even now I dont have an answer.. may be I just buried it deep so that I dont have to deal with it or I didnt know what to say etc etc and the most important thing is that I am ‘happily married and settled’ with three young kids and a ‘nice’ husband and the cousin is also married and now a ‘family man’.If my parents come to know of this eventually my husband will also know then I cant even imagine the consequences.The consequences will be bigger than the ’cause’. I would have confronted him if I got support from my husband but if this thing comes out my husband will think my wife is after all not that ‘pure’ or is not that ‘untouched flower'(I cant stop smiling.. this is 2012) and never will be comfortable with me again.One more thing, my husband will blame me for the incident and I will never be able to make him understand coz he really wont get it and my married life will never be the same.I am not making my husband an evil person he is just a typical Indian husband who is a great provider and a good father who sees me only as his wife.So if this matter comes out, I will be the biggest IDIOT of the century in my locality.Even this revealing scares me a lot coz I think I have opened a Pandora’s box…again the post is so long and thanks from the bottom of my heart for this platform GOD BLESS..

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        • Dear lost little girl, It’s possible that your cousin is also ashamed of what he did and senses that talking about it would create more trouble for everyone and so he says nothing. Maybe he feels it was just a part of growing up and has no idea how it impacted you. Can you forgive and forget? On one hand I feel angry because this idea of purity is such a powerful way to silence the victims, but anger doesn’t help anybody, would it help you to know that you are not alone, even the email writer spoke about it after thirty years and that too she spoke to her son and then to her own mother, not to her husband. I think we do have it in our power to make sure the coming generations do not think this way. Hugs and strength dear lost little girl. Your long comments are welcome and I am sure you are providing support to many others coping with the same thing, reading your comments they know they are not alone either.

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        • Dearest lost little girl, first of all loads of love and a warm hug to you for stepping out of the cocoon and finding your voice. It takes immense courage.

          Now, I feel that forgiveness to self and others works best at times. It will cleanse you of hurt and pain. Concept of purity is a sham as far as I am concerned. It is as IHM pointed out one of the many ways to silence women.

          Another thing I always tell everyone is , never long for approval from others including your husband. Shed fear and be fearlessly yourself. Know that you are not alone and give your children that strength which lights you now so they never face any abuse in life and stand up against it too. Love you lots. Stay brave and blessed.

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  25. Pingback: “…if this thing comes out my husband will think my wife is after all not that ‘pure’ or is not that ‘untouched flower’” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  26. While i was doing my post graduation, me and my classmates were sitting and discussing some random things.. i have always had this thing of discussing amongst my peers socially relevant issues which either i had come across or heard about.Now somehow i reached child sexual abuse topic..all those 21+ girls were mum and had no opinions whatsoever – this was in year 2001.All i said was – ‘CSA happens in india too.. we just don’t prosecute or even talk about it”. One middle class girl studying Science vehemently said’ All this doesn’t happen in India – this happens only in West [ Amrika]. All girls nodded – obviously they thought this to be such alien a concept.This is what educated girls Studying Science in India think. These were studying to keep an open mind ,become scientists, asks questions, believe in facts !
    These women will/some have become mothers !

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    • Dear Z,
      ur classroom incident brought back one of my ROFL memoy.The year -2003
      and scene- degree final year class,The class was filled with nearly 70-75 girls in their early 20s.On that day the teacher asked ‘Do you know about hymen ?’ as the book she was teaching had some topic related to virginity.Only 3 or 4 (including me) raised their hands.Then you should have heard the pindrop silence and the questioning glare we (those who raised their hands)faced from rest of the girls.They were looking as if we were some mean girls with loose morals and on the otherhand they all from respectable families….with an attitude ‘we are not that type’….The most funny thing was most of the students were Zoology students !! and the highlight of the day came when the teacher faced the rest of the class and asked weren’t they ashamed that they dont even know about one of their body parts and thereby giving us a nod of approval….

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  27. i am suffering fro white spots from past 10 years and always feel complex due to these white patches on my body. Now i am 24 years and one day a guy comes at my home with his parents to see me. After seeing white patches on my skin his mother denied for marriage even though se is also suffering with the same disease. She said that i dont want to have this disease to my future generation. Just tell me, are we people dont have right to live like other gals live their married life.

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    • The disease will be in their future generations any way. The son has, it doesn’t he? They are stupid if they don’t even know that kids get half the genes from the father.

      You are really better off without getting married in such a ridiculous family. They are most probably the type of people who still believe that a child’s gender is decide by the mother and many other type of nonsense. There are better guys around. Just stick around and stay strong. DON’T bow under pressure and chose a less suitable guy- you deserve the best too. Just like all of us! <3

      Like

  28. Aapka programm bahut achha hai. Iss programm ke jariye samaj ki buraiya samne aa rahi hai. Sir please, iss programm ko band mat kijiyega. Thank you sir.

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    • hi aapka program bahut achchha hai ye bandh mat kijiye agar aapko koi topic chahiye to me deta hu the topic is natural resources which is about solar plant i have also other topic which is electricity if people will not save it , it vl very tough for normal people i have so many other idea for saving electricity my number is 09824686068

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  29. Hi amir sir sbse pahle main apko tahe dil se dhanywad kahunga jo apna itna logo ki bhavnao ko smjh k ye program banaya.sir main ye kaha chahta hu.dhokha aur fareb hr jagah h.is liye ek aisa trust banaiye jo is smaj ka truthful help kar sake taki rizwan jaisi lakho zindgi bch ske.aur pure apne bharat vasio ka madad kar ske .ek web site bai jay jo logo se judi rhe aur aaj k samay me lakho rizwan ki madad kr ske sir.hamere desh me anath ashram .vridha ashram .mahila ashram.h k un logo k liye koi ashram ya sanstha h jo pyar kar lete h par unhe apne jan ki kimat chukani padhti h.sir plz aap bhut kuch skte aur is smaj ko sudhar skte h.thanku sir

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  30. Hi Amir bhai sahab mera naam yogesh hai or main Anna hajare v baba Ramdev dvara kiye ja rhe aandolan pe kyi sawal puchna chahta hu kirpya krke mujhe 1 moka dijiye. Main puchna chahta hu ki jab baba Ramdev apna satsang v gaddi lagate hai to lakho rupey daan v chadave ke roop mai laite hain kya vo bharastchar nhi hai? Or bhi kyi sawal hai.

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  31. Pingback: India: Aamir Khan’s TV Show Stirs Up Social Issues · Global Voices

  32. Pingback: India: Aamir Khan’s TV Show Stirs Up Social Issues :: Elites TV

  33. Our is patriarchal society, untill and unless we change the mindset of patriarchal society there is no efficient method to work to reduce female foeticide, by banning sonography centres we only cut the one branch of this social evil because if u close one door another door opens, people find another way to kill female gender. Hence root of this evil is patriarchy to cut it the social evil automatically falls. For this enact a legal sanction to support both the families after marriage.

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  34. Dear amirkhan: I always been big fan of u, but never thought b one day when I finally b able to speak to someone about what has took place when I was 8. I came from big family n known to b very powerful, so girls in our family was never able to make choice or speak there mine..but now I will speak the pain I been going throw last 30 yr. Thank you

    Like

  35. Pingback: The 3rd world view India: Aamir Khan’s TV Show Stirs Up Social Issues | The 3rd world View

  36. sir, NO words to explain ……barberians …..veilsers..This gawahathi incident is not for that girl alone , whole girls in this world . instead of us ,will you please raise the voice because u are an “PUBLIC FACE’ everyone listen you , police never take action to punish them , only 2 days their action will be continued, Next the government ” UTTERLY USELESS”… heartly request think her as your child, feel the pain .Through the human errors in the hot oil. it should be the good example for the future. , solve, save our nation , protect our gods,survive as a human .
    CINEMA is just an entertainment part , dont passionate towards that type of dressess in our nation.
    Girls please beware of it, dress well, dont go outside after 6’o c,plz dont think it happened to someone , she is also one of us. whatever boldness is good in the daytime alone . please make yourself safe. THIS WORDS ARE NOT OUT IN THE FEAR, DEFINITELY SATYAMEV JAYATHEV will surely punish that fellows.

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  37. respected sir i am from ahmedabad. pls stop the system of tution in our schul. the busines of tution our teacher cant consatrate in their clas. because they have extra and huge income of tution. i was fail in the exame of 12 SCIENCE in the year of 2002. my teacher every time insult me in their class bec i was not join their tution. i never do any police complain aginst them. today i am well set. i am a emploe of one mncompany. but my heart and my self respected is waiting for justify. i lost my carrier as

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  38. my mother is always bitten up by my father for small reasons……i ask my mummy to liv d hous and go.. atleast we will liv happily… bt she says tat it is her BHAGYA…. no one can change……..i am just 15 yrs old… 4 tat i can do nothinggg…. i hav 2 wait till i becom d age of 30 or abov and get a job… so tat i can take my mummy and stay somewhere els.. till then i hav 2 see my mummy crying……….

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  39. this show is amazing……….would like to say that another show – Crime Patrol (which is based on true stories) which comes on SONY TV, should introduce in this show. vibha

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  40. Aamir sir i also want to share my domestic voilence and abuse story which is still in my family and my mother,bro n me still suffering from it and instead of lots of efforts all was in vain…i need your help

    Like

  41. Pingback: Be a Friend, not a Parent | Dew Drops

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