An email: If I am wrong in any way, please advise me a suitable course of action as I feel miserable..

Sharing an email.

My story is a bit long…

I am a simple , middle class Indian girl, did all my education and then took the job to support my self and also my family. My father had died when I was 6. I have a younger brother and my mother took to working. My father was an educated man (Btech, Mtech IIT) and my mother an equally hardworking (and good witted) woman. She faced a lot of obstacles to bring us up but she never gave up, or made us feel that we were ever deprived of anything in life coz we did not have a father.
Life was fine and I was happy. All troubles started with looking for a suitable guy for myselfSomehow falling in Love never really occurred to me or may be i didn’t pay much attention to the guys who were interested in me as i thought i cannot handle all that.. saying this i don’t mean that i am too weak a woman (almost 33 now) but may be  I didn’t want to upset/ confront my mom on this front.
So began the endless cycle to find a suitable groom for myself. somehow this cycle continued for 2-3 years almost…
Both me and my mom wanted a groom who was as educated as my father, a non drinker, non smoker, non dowry seeker and also from our caste. Somehow this combination seemed too difficult to find :(
If everything else was fine, then somehow the guys found me too quiet or they did not like the fact that I work
Any ways all the necessary facts from our side were put honestly and correctly on marriage portals and newspapers to avoid any problems later. This was the only time i really wished my father was alive….
Then this particular profile contacted us (unfortunately my present husband) , showing interest in my profile. It mentioned the guy did not drink, smoke and his father was a manager in a govt organization, brother a businessmen blah blah…
There were rounds of talk on the phone with my mother and then the guy and his mother decided to visit us in a cafe to have a physical look of me….
normal talks and info of how much do I earn etc…. may be I was too shy or dumb to really ask the real questions that should have mattered the most in my life… but yes the boy accepted in front of his mother that he did not smoke or drink…etc
I was married to this guy much against my own personal wishes… not that this marriage was pushed on to me but thinking my mother really worked so hard for so long and that this was like her final obligation towards me, also the guys parents confirmed and assured that the guy is very very nice nice despite me initially refusing to them when the guy admitted he drinks… also fear of society etc. Somehow this tragedy  happened…
From them onwards its being like a life full of shocks for me….
The guy’s family background: mom housewife, father a suspended officer (coz of some fraud he committed). Brother a diploma holder, running a shop opened by the father. Sister in law, don’t know how educated she is but a real bitch….
Guy : a B tech, MS from US and an MBA….
had a girl friend of 4 years who refused to marry him as he did not marry her initially .. so he looked for an  arrange marriage as his family also did not approve of marriage to her. Never was this fact mentioned to me  until after marriage… also that the guy smoked a lot, is diabetic.
They whole family was really cautious to hide this fact from our family… in fact for the 1st year of our marriage, I still feel he was very much in touch with his girlfriend and somehow still wished if this marriage could break, he’ll marry her
For 2 years of our marriage, I was endlessly compared to her for every big or small thing…
If i was so bad a person, better should have not married me in first place or should have divorced me then
I have been numerous times physically assaulted and beaten up…, compared with his numerous friends’ wives and made to feel how dumb I am…
All through these things happened, his mother took my side in supporting me and in helping me deal with her son, though never did she or her husband ever scolded him… the whole family somehow even till date always maintains a silence, kind of bowing out to my husband for whatever he does.. they never ever scold…. rather respect him… I think now .. because of this educational and financial position.. nobody in his family is as educated or earns as much as he does…
I earned decent enough to support myself and never really looked for marrying into a very rich family or having ultra luxurious lifestyle… I really needed a man who was educated and worked hard like I do and had a decent behavior and cared for me.. now that I look back, I regret my life because I did have some men like these around my various workplaces but I was a fool to ignore them and fall in trap for this guy…
Anyways, so his mom played at kind of being a nice mom but also shrewdly she asked me to bring costly presents etc but gave me very cheap things in return… for 1st 6 months I was in a different city and his family and he cleverly made this deal that when he visits my city I pay for his air tickets and food and accommodation as I was living in a shared apartment with other girls and when I visited him, he only needed to pay for my tickets…
He picked up a fight with me and abused my mom on phone when she visited me once…. some of my office colleagues knew the ordeal I was going through especially once also of slap mark which left a scar on my face for few days
which he mentioned later, he did it in love.. u know followed bondage method… he watched numerous porns which is fine but should not expect me to be one esp i was not so interested in it before marriage and for this also he said I has so naive and stupid.. I don’t satisfy him… [why the f*** didn’t u ask such Questions before marriage….u asshole…]
When he used to go for party to his friends’ place when I was away, he would not always tell me or pick my phone…
And when i was away for my office party even after telling him… he would call every now and then to check on me and also to show to his mom how awara I am.. which was not really the case but its very easy for him to fool him mom or anybody for that matter….
I m tired of  writing but need to write a lot still, its an ordeal of 4 years. and i want a really peaceful solution to it. i m sure u would have been tired as well reading this… thanks for being so patient…
Initially i studied his family for sometime to really know the kind of people they are and not really complained much… but when i knew their behaviour well and it was beyond me to tolerate, the troubles starting exaggerating….
All through this time, my mom knew everything but for her also the fear of society and also may be things improve will improve with time, she asked me to be patient and not take any extreme steps like divorce etc… and asked me to be quiet.. phew…
His mother despite being nice on some occasions, would directly or indirectly compare me with her elder daughter in law and how much her family (lives 50 kms away) come and  give on every festival which we don’t always coz my mom lives alone and was then a working lady herself  and my brother posted in another city cannot always visit them.
The whole environment of the family was never appealing to me… they had 2 kids and the FIL and my husband would every now and them spit mother f***** , sister f***** in Hindi every now and then and if i objected they would say I didn’t have a father, so I don’t know how men are like…..or I don’t know how to bear with them…
Also before marriage , my husband said that post marriage, we’ll live in a separate house and not with his parent’s which was ok with me as i was not used to this joint family thing esp if there is a huge economic GAP and hence the difference in the lifestyles.  But after marriage he wanted me to leave my job and live with his mother and bhabhi and appreciate the life-style they lead... which I did not like… and so he also developed some hatred for me.
Every once in a while, he and his both parents would complain to my mom about small things which I did instead to talking  about them directly to me, they found this indirect way to trouble my mom, which I did not like…
They never said this openly but would have wanted me to quit my job and spend my life washing clothes and cooking food… they don’t have any other social life expect for talking to their relatives….
My husband had got an overseas posting and I had to leave my really nice job to accompany him and also to see if this marriage works or not…
We both traveled together though my husband did not like to take me as well with him…
Life was new as I had never been abroad before so i was also kind of scared as will esp with the kind of beast my husband can turn every once in a while
After 2 months he started pushing me to find a job as he did not like the fact that he has to work to bear my expenses i.e. to feed me for free… so then began my job search and by god’s grace I did find a job…
Once I got a job, he looked into ways to get me spend the most money and not his…
Also me asked me to contribute some part of my salary towards the shared expenses like food , electricity bills, house rent etc… which I was fine as I never felt any respect for this guy much anyways and didn’t want to live on any mercy...
It’s been 4 years since and we have a 2 year old son, we have more fights and differences than before… and during all this period he had done all to trouble me as much as he could…
It’s not that I never had any happy moment with him but some how when we have a fight or he belittles me or my family i doubt him… was he genuine or playing some dirty tricks….
One year ago we had a big fight and then he strangulated me and I shouted for help , unfortunately no one came to help . And then to prove I was wrong, he called the police and told I was hitting him… just before the police came , he banged his head 3-4 times to wall to show I hit him…
I then called his mother on phone  and told her the kind of animal she has given birth to, in a fit of anger.. [guess that was the last straw to break my neck… ]
He then asked his mother to call my mother and tell her that I hit him and that’s why he called the police… k***** k****…
Though police did not take any action against me but they didn’t really believe me as well, to take any action against him may be coz he made the phone call first ….  but I felt very cheated and helpless at that time especially when I was the real victim and not him … he was very shrewd to have the presence of mind to plan such things.
That time I decided I will not live with this man… I went back to my mother’s place after a month as I had a planned holiday then… and didn’t know what to do…. for the sake of my son, I came back again and also to save some more money for myself and my son in case we need to divorce in future…
Meanwhile when I was away my husband contacted a social worker here and asked her to say that police had asked her to help us decide if we want divorce or live together…
It was nice to have a counselor though unfortunately they don’t have much idea about Indian culture or arrange marriage concept so my husband impressed and influence her with his smooth talks…[my husband is in sales]
and in these sessions, he said my moms family has a strong legal background and is a threat to him and his family as we can trouble him . also we can misuse the Indian dowry law against his family … if I had to do this I had enough true instances to use them and in any case would have done all this and not suffered for these 4 years like a fool….
Also once when we visited India and was at his house, he had beaten me for the fact that I objected to as to why a shirt brought for one of his cousins was not given to him, which his mother said would be given to him when he gets married and not now. Because I objected to what his mother had said… that night I was beaten in front of our 5 month old son and I cried and shouted for help, not even a single person came forward to help me either from the family who could hear everything  or from the tenants who live on 1st floor... I cried and asked them to call the police… and in the morning everyone behaved as though nothing had happened…. I had asked for a taxi in the morning to drop me to my moms place and he went to drop me and shouted outside my mom’s house to humiliate us in front of her neighbors…
I truly hate him and his family and have no respect for any of them and given a choice would never want to see any one of them considering how insensitive they are towards me… just because my husband showers lot of money on them, they would never ever complain…
As of this date… I can bear living with my husband for the sake of my child but still unsure how long this peacefully time will continue…
i don’t like his drinking habits and he does now frequently organise such all men night long parties with other men also visit some red light areas for fun… he says if other people’s wives are not complaining why should you…
Infact at many social gatherings he had made fun of me and also for the fact as to why don’t i drink…
He wants to show to the world as well as to me that he is a better parent that i am…
he keeps saying every now and then that i am a psycho and need a psychiatrist’s help….
he wants me to leave my job as our son will start school next year and there is no transportation to the school… so I’d have to drop/pick him one time or both when he is traveling for work… i am fine with this but the thought that he can do anything to trouble me when he ‘s out of his head also knowing the past, scares the hell out of me…
Though I have not written a lot of other horrifying stories… but please feel free to ask if you need to ask anything…
Kindly advise if i should continue to live with him or plan an amicable separation. Or if I am wrong in any way, please advise me a suitable course of action as I feel miserable… more so my mom now curses herself for having let this happened to me  :( she feels its because of her….. i love my son a lot and don’t wish to part ways with him…
i don’t know what the laws are and how much money and time will it cost…..
 I have to visit India in a months time and I am sure if  I would have to visit his family for sure… i have not gone there since 2 years… but I know whenever i  visit there, it will not be a nice experience any ways and what scares me most is that it doesn’t result in more fights and embarrassing or horrifying or humiliating experiences for me… kindly advise on this as well...
waiting for your sincere advise and guidance on the same…..
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