Last year, these days.

Last year on 27th July I had commented on Bhagwad’s blog about a nightmare I once had. After writing a long comment describing the nightmare I had read it out to Tejaswee who agreed that it didn’t make sense to describe the entire nightmare where I was alone in a dimly lit house, extremely sad, thinking about her who had been dead for a while and I had been wishing (just like we do when we are awake) that her death was a nightmare. And I had hugged her lightly and grumbled about why I remembered that horrible nightmare. Two days later the nightmare had started unfolding in real.

These days are difficult and what we were doing last year is very clear in memory. A part of me feels not talking about it is better because once we start talking it is difficult to distract ourselves with something else. But I also don’t want to not remember and it’s only getting more difficult each day. On 29th Tejaswee had come back from college and complained about how boring it was to not live inside a complex, and then a friend, G had called.

(G was her room mate in the PG where she stayed until we moved to Delhi, and had moved out after she had contracted dengue in 2009. I always thought Dengue was like Malaria, I had worried about Swine Flu.) G asked her if she would like to go with her to M Block Market and I told Tejaswee she had got her wish and that her  life need not be boring even if we did not live inside a complex. She had taken her blue bag and much later I found the receipts of what they ate and bought in the market on her last healthy, happy evening.

Later that evening she started having very high fever, very suddenly.

On 20th, last week, Son remembered she had danced in the rain in her college and he feels that was when dengue started. I didn’t even want to think about this. And many times I manage to successfully focus on other things, like the fitness regime for the Manali to Leh Bicycling Expedition (A doctor I consulted with said six months, not two and half months would have been better to prepare for such an expedition, but that I should continue exercising and go).

An old friend called, when she called last she had compared me to other parents who have lost their children and ‘moved on’, this time she said the way I said Hello on the phone had changed, she felt we could no longer talk like we did in the past, that I was a different person now. I tried to explain why it was not possible to be the same person. Did she understand that it was not just the loss that hurt but the experience of watching her die, and not being able to comfort her and keep her alive. She did, but she wanted everything back to normal. What I liked was that she thought that was possible.

One of the things that has changed is the realization that the entire universe does not really conspire to make our wishes come true. Suddenly one could see that there was something wrong with the theory of a benign, loving creator always taking care of their creations. I had stared at the night sky outside the ICU and willed the universe/creator to do something… And yet there was this desperation to be convinced that she is still there is some form somewhere, and that we will meet again.

I want her to be there around me in some form and one way is to talk about her (which I am able to do, not about her death, but her life.) A very dear young woman I have never met (and who has never met Tejaswee!) writes regularly to me, and she recently wrote about wanting to join the college Tejaswee went to, and then later about seeing her name in the college prospectus – where Tejaswee Rao Scholarship was mentioned. I can’t appreciate her emails and emails from friends in the blogosphere enough.

Words can change how we look at anything. Another blogging friend asked if we were planning to do something on Tejaswee’s  death anniversary and I wrote back completely believing that these days would be spent just trying not to relive what we had no control over.  I am grateful to him for suggesting we do something in her memory instead.

So I would like to announce Tejaswee Rao Blogging Awards. Please click here to submit your entries, do take care to submit them in the correct categories.  The winners in each category will be announced  around end-September.

Two entries that the judges feel should be read by as many people as possible will win cash prizes. (Will announce the details at the earliest).

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85 thoughts on “Last year, these days.

  1. I’m awed and speechless at the clarity of your thoughts. I cannot even imagine how hard the internal struggle must be: between wanting to talk about and remember your daughter, and wanting to distract yourself from the pain of her absence. You’re an amazingly strong woman and I wish you all the happiness in the world. I’m sure your daughter’s very proud.
    *hugs*

    • The wild child has put my thougts in perfect words. I feel the same for you, cant imagine how you put your thougts so clearly. Wishing you and yours the best!!

  2. No, the creator is not benign. There is a certain indifference to human suffering and our desire to hold on to our loved ones and not have them leave us like this. Hugs IHM. I can sense the pain, the despair. But you are wonderful. Have I said that to you ever?

  3. Dear IHM,

    I have been following your blog only for the past 2-3 weeks. Been reading your archives as well. I was very glad to have discovered you – a voice of sanity and hope amidst the filth in our society.

    Didn’t know about your daughter. I cannot imagine the loss and pain you must have suffered. Words mean nothing here, I just want to tell you that I deeply admire your courage. I hope you continue to find the strength to bear your loss.

    N.

  4. Dear dear IHM,

    My eyes are filled with tears…

    I know that Tejaswee is around and hope and pray that the fun, laughter and spirit of her life would help you find strength.

    **Big Hug**

    – Usha.

  5. IHM,
    Have felt that most of my patients feel better when I raise the subject of loss of a dear one, most probably some one I know. Talking about it helps them some how.
    So it is gud that u could post this.
    All the best for ur cycle expedition.

  6. hugs. i used to read your blog before – on and off. then anna was born and i wasn’t online for 3-4 months. when i came back i read about Tejaswee’s passing on. like most people i didn’t know what to say – specially since i had never commented before. but i want to say something now – even though i don’t know what. you seem like such a lovely lady, IHM. and i really admire your passion for so many things. i am sure your daughter must have been just like you. someone i would want Anna to be like someday. God bless you and Tejaswee.

  7. Hugs IHM. I have never ‘met’ anyone as strong as you. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this must be for you and your family.

    hugs again.

  8. Since last few days Tejaswee was in my thoughts,as i said before she is always there for u,looking at you,feeling you and talking to u.The moment i think of her i see her smile and dimples,IHM this girl of yours had gone deep into my heart,hugs baby…..

    Hugs…….

  9. HUGS. I have been thinking about you and Tejaswee for a few days now. I understand completely about “One of the things that has changed is the realization that the entire universe does not really conspire to make our wishes come true.”

    Take care and continue with the good work you do so well.

  10. IHM, all I can pray for in the circumstances is to give you enough strength and life long enough to also see the fruits of this endeavour on the blog. The changes are subtle but sure, we are moving into a better world. Take care!

  11. sometimes one has to
    be invisible and yet be there,
    be silent and yet be heard
    reach out without touching…

    I’m reaching out to you IHM, with my arms outstretched and lots of love, hugs and prayers in my heart…

  12. I do not know what to say IHM… a biiiiigggggg hug to you… U will surely meet her again.. God bless you and your family

    hugs and prayers
    Sunita

  13. IHM over the past year I have marveled at your strength and your power of resilience. There is a lot that we can learn from you. Hugs
    I had written and linked a post under the category “How imp is it for a female to get and stay married” when you had announced the blogscars last year. I saw the post is still there when I clicked on the link you have given above. So I am not linking it again. hope thats fine.

  14. You know, I have been thinking of this too, a bit. It’s almost August and I wanted to do something to try to make you feel a bit better.

    Every time someone said in the comments to a post ‘this is the old IHM’, something in me cringed a bit. I think it’s an unreal expectation for someone to stay the same after a life changing event like losing a child.

    You are quite amazing, I hope you truly know that. This idea of celebrating her life is phenomenal, maybe we call Aug 11th ‘A Life Celebration’, much as we all wish it could have been celebrated with her here. Talking about topics she was passionate about is another good idea. You’re so full of it, huh? Good ideas, I meant! :-D

    Hugs.

  15. Time has wings IHM..
    I was also thinking about Tejaswee when I went to meet Juhi’s mom on her first death anniversary ( We lost her in July last year and if you remember,I had written about both the angels then).
    My daughter still imagines Juhi’s presence often ,the difference is the way she talks about it.Earlier,soon after her loss, it was extremely disturbing for her but now, she remembers her with great fondness,with a smile on her lips.
    You are remarkable IHM in more ways than one,(((Hugs))).

  16. Logic aside, I always feel that the ones who have passed on are always close to us. Closer than they were while they were alive. And one day we shall dfntly meet them someplace :)

  17. It was during this time of the year, last year, when I had started following your blog. I remember the time well…every morning coming to the office and checking your blog the first thing for updates on Tejaswee. All through the year, I have known Tejaswee through your posts, and now feel that I know her in person…very well.

    You have kept her alive through your words. May God bless you, IHM.

  18. Loads of Hugs IHM ….

    Ur truly a strong lady and Tejaswee would be seeing u from above and would be so proud of u and wd be so glad that she had u as her mother :)

    God bless u and ur family always !

  19. I joined your blog sometime at this juncture last year…I can gauge the depth of your feelings about your daughter and if anything, I feel that the incident has brought you closer to her.
    Strange of the bonds of this world….the creator has his/her own designs. As I said an year back, I can only repeat the same – I am sure she is around you and is proud to be your daughter.

  20. IHM I know i have ranted and ranted on my log but I dont know how to say it you have always given me inspiration ..

    that was the time i started coming to ur blog regularly reading all that you write .. I am sure a lot of people will say that seeing you knowing you via ur blogs have made us well ME for sure a better person and have given me lot of strength ..

    You are string person and I admire you for that a lot, and I am so proud that i know you ..

    Lots of hugs nad lvoe to you and your family …

    I too have a lot of questions to the creator but I dont think I will ever get them answered , yes they say if we want something so bad the whole world works together but that is jsut a myth i think cause life doesnot work that way ..

    Good people and good souls God wnats in a hurry i think and evil people like me get left behind .. I dont know

    all i will say is IHM Take care.

  21. None of us can take your pain away. .can only pray and ask god to give you strength to go thru your moment of grief..God bless. Take care.

  22. IHM, I know another girl who was 20 when she died. She was also so different just like TJ, there was an aura around her.It was almost like the world wasn’t fit for her. She was 7 years younger to me and I was a huge fan. I haven’t met anyone else like her ever.

    I feel the same about TJ. She was different. It shows in her smile. Its there in whatever she has written and whatever I have read about her. Her death doesn’t feel a random thing that could happen to any body. Its almost like she was chosen. You were chosen.

    She talked about her death (being so specific how she would like to be addressed after death), blogged about death, you had nightmares about it and so many things that you have mentioned about her in your posts, the post about the doll, almost like she always knew …I read a post from her friend, about how she “got rid” of a spider…she was too gentle for this world. God isn’t benign but he does seem to have a plan. You will see her again. I refuse to believe that it was a random thing that could happen to anyone or a freak misfortune that happened to you. It was how it was supposed to be. It was the only way to preserve the perfection that she was.

    Lots of love and hugs to you.

    • “It was how it was supposed to be. It was the only way to preserve the perfection that she was.”

      Someone said that to me too abt the son I lost…those are beautiful, powerful yet heart-rending words…the immediate thought that comes to mind is why perfection needed to leave so soon. We need some perfection in this world.

      Yes, there is a plan…a plan so big we can’t see it with our smallness. Loved your comment tearsndreams

    • My sister also died at the age of 19 and like Tejaswee and tearsndreams’ friend, she was ‘different’. Maybe there’s something in the Buddhist belief of completing the cycle of rebirths and achieving nirvana. These girls were like bodhisattavas who helped others with their light and grace and have now gone to eternal happiness. As someone else has said in an earlier comment, you have made Tejawee live on, IHM, which is remarkably strong of you, and gives us all hope and courage.

  23. Just a couple of days back I was discussing about Tejaswee with my husband, remembering that her day will come sometimes next week or something.

    Whenever I think of Tejaswee, her dimpled broad smile comes into my mind. She is a happy kid and let her be like that, IHM. She would always like you to be happy and smiling.

    Even I never thought that Dengue could be so critical. My niece also had a severe attack and it took nearly 4 months for her to come back to normal from body pain etc. Her hair had become very thin. That is all.

    Take care, IHM.

  24. ((Hugs)) dear IHM.. wishing you all the strength it will take to remember Tejaswee as she lived.. you are a special mom to have a happy daughter like her and she definitely must be smiling even today knowing you have taken good care of yourself emotionally and physically and that today, you think of her and try to smile … love you so much for being what you are!!

    and all the best for the manali – leh adventure trip. when does it start?

  25. *Hugs* IHM. I echo other’s thoughts.
    You are an amazing woman, the best in you has come forth more so in the last year.
    And Tejaswi is safe, happy and around you as a guardian angel.

  26. I am so very sorry for your loss. It must have taken a lot of effort and strength to continue life as you have continued living. My best wishes for you and your family. Keep smiling as your daughter would have liked to see you.

  27. I am sorry for your loss and cannot imagine how painful it must be for you. I cannot make this pain go away but I would pray for you and your family.

    I know about another blogger who lost her 4 month old to SIDS. Following is from her blog(http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com/):

    “I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.”

    • so beautiful..thanks for sharing !
      IHM, i don’t know what else to say to you except that i Understand , and that, whenever i next see God, i will add an extra prayer for you .May peace & strength be with you.

  28. I don’t know why the other day I was suddenly reminded of last year when you had blogged about Tejaswee! And suddenly, I had tears in my eyes just thinking of the post you had written last year this time.

    I cant say I understand your pain…but I do hope and pray that He who took away a precious thing from you gives you the strength to bear the loss. Probably the only time I have felt that GOD has been very unkind.

    I cannot bear to read the links you have given in this post….I will only pray to give you and your family the strength. hugs.

  29. Inane as it sounds, IHM, let me quote Harry Potter’s Dumbledore, “You think the dead we have loved ever truly leave us? You think we don’t recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble? Your father is alive in you, Harry and shows himself most plainly whenever you have need of him. You did see your father last night Harry, you found him inside yourself.”

    She lives on, IHM, because there’s so much of her living in so many hearts.

    I have been thinking of you and your family…but did not want to make it worse, if perhaps you were trying not to think about the painful suffering of the last days. I wish, wish, wish it hadn’t happened. I was remembering the dream you’d mentioned also…there’s a painful feeling in my heart when I think of these last days of July and August, everything that happened is so clearly etched.

    No, you cannot be the same person entirely ever again. Some parts of you’ tho’ that got numb with the grief and shock, do start living again. They have to. You have to…good luck for the Leh bike ride. That’s so you! And Tejaswee will be watching you and cheering you on. I wonder if we get closer to heaven and our departed ones in the Himalayas like all those Mahabharata stories say?!

    But I just knew you would blog about it. That’s another way you are still the person that you were…don’t ever close up and give up. It’s cold comfort, but everyone’s journey is separate…we are together for a while, then when one soul has to move on, we can’t control it. We can only be grateful for the blessings they brought us…and I believe they continue bringing us, if we are willing to look around and see them.

    (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

  30. Hugs, IHM.
    I never believed in that line which talks about the universe helping us to get what we really want.. that line somehow just does not make sense. But all said and done, I hope that you find your peace and be happy.
    hugs

  31. I was just thinking of you a couple of days back, remembering it is almost a year now…your courage and inner strength is beyond words IHM. Tj obviously is your replica :-)

  32. was reading Arun shourie’s ‘does he know a mother’s heart?’ and was thinking of you all along.

    Bless you and your family.

  33. Dear IHM,

    I saw Tejaswee’s pictures and her blog. She is a beautiful person.

    My family had some tragic times some years back, when my father and older brother, died in a month’s time. The death of my brother, somehow was very overpowering. He was just a 19 year old. My mother has not spoken about him ever since. I know the grief is hard like a rock inside her. It is more than 25 years, but nothing erases the loss, although life moves on.

    Hugs to you!

  34. Hugs, IHM. I have been thinking of you and Tejaswee for sometime now, knowing how difficult a time it is. This time, last year periods of one’s life can be rather one’s undoing.
    Prayers with you and your family. Love, always.

  35. IHM, I am so hesitant to even comment. I am a mother myself and I cannot fathom the pain, but also your strength in carrying through. The very fact that you are able to blog, to think about other issues and write about them shows me how strong of a person you are. I know if I have a daughter some day, I will want to instill in her a lot of what I read of your own Tejaswee. I wish you strength and peace.

  36. Dear IHM,

    I started following your blog several months ago. I stumbled upon it one night, and read and read until I reached the posts about Tejaswee. I cried so much that night, and then spoke to my family the next morning. Your daughter’s age is close to mine, so it struck home. I was studying in the US and my parents were on the other side of the world. It brought so much perspective to my life especially in my relationships with family and friends. I dont know what you are going through, but I hope it gets easier as each day passes. You affect all our lives and are in our prayers

    Hugs!

  37. Dear IHM
    All this year long, I have been reading your blog regularly, though not participating actively. It seems that I haven’t been able to find the appropriate words to write about your beautiful and talented daughter. Nevertheless I keep on admiring the way you handle your life, please believe that! On the other hand, reading about real issues concerning everyday life and human relations in your country, has made me feel that though it will take a long time for society to accept changes, the progressive thought and liberal ideas of people like you and your friends do help a lot, things change slowly but steadily….
    Dear IHM, so vulnerable and so strong, thank you so much for everything you write. I so much hope that Tejaswee is somewhere around watching you with love , happy that you and your family go on with your life without her, yet with her….

  38. Dear IHM,

    It was sometime in late August last year, IHM, that I stumbled upon your wonderful blog. I was absolutely fascinated and started reading all the previous posts and comments as if there was no tomorrow.Pretty soon I came to know about the terrible tragedy you had had to suffer. I just could not bring myself to comment right then, when it was all so recent, but I went through each and every post on Tejaswee and wept at the injustice, the cruelty of it all.I am inclined to be agnostic and rarely ever pray, but I remember going down on my knees and praying to whoever/whatever might be God, to bring you courage,strength and solace and to keep you forever close to your beloved daughter.
    Hugs, IHM. Take care.
    Lots of love
    S

  39. Dear IHM,

    I am 100% sure Tejaswee was, is, will always be very very proud to be a part of you. Everyday, every minute, every second, She would be thanking God in heaven for giving her such a strong n Mom n a sweet lil Bro !

    Pls keep smiling fr her !!

  40. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs. I think of Tejaswee often, though I never knew her – or you for that matter, in the “real world”. Since my 19 year old cousin passed away 2 years ago, I have also lost faith in the idea of the Universe looking out for you, or “it will all come together”. The reality is that sometimes, it doesn’t. I’m not sure anyone can ever be the “same” again after such a loss. However, I’d rather that we remember those who’ve left us, with love and pride, than never talk about them.

  41. I’m very sorry for your loss IHM. Reading your posts and her blog entries, looks like you had a great kid who will be missed dearly. I definitely see your point that the ‘universe’ cannot control or save you from tragic incidents. We have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes, we will be faced with a series of events, which we have absolutely no control over, that may lead to drastic outcomes. The universe is not fair or just, it simply exists and will keep existing.

    Reading this post brought tears to my eyes. (((hugs)))

  42. Sending lot of love IHM. The wide eyed, brightly smiling angel lives on in our hearts and here in this blog. She has touched so many lives. Long live our angel Tejaswee!God bless

  43. Hugs. Many, many of them. Thanks for reaching out to us through this wonderful blog you have. I may not take active part in several discussions here but I always make it a point to grab the essence – the issues you bring forth are very painful yet very real. I wish you a good life ahead… one that has a lot of strength and hope. :)

  44. Dear IHM,

    Sharing with you words that bring me peace…

    Kahlil Gibran on “Joy and Sorrow”:

    “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
    And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was often times filled with your tears.
    And how else can it be?
    The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
    Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
    And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
    When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
    When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

    Some of you say, “Joy is greater thar sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
    But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
    Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

    Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
    Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
    When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.”
    ***************************************************************************

    The following is an excerpt from Kahlil Gibran’s “Prophet”:

    “Love has no other desire than to fulfill itself,
    But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
    To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody into the night.
    To know the pain of too much tenderness.

    To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
    And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
    To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
    To return home at eventide with gratitude;
    And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.”

  45. Dear IHM,
    For the past one week , Tejaswee has been on my mind.I got to know her only through this blog.
    I lost my mother when i was 12 yrs old and can totally understand and relate to your pain. I am amazed by your strength and positive attitude as shown in your blog posts.
    My hugs to you and your son.

    -Madhu

  46. Hugs IHM… If the dates and blogs are as fresh to me, then I know how much it must be for you…

    She surely is being missed… May you all be able to recall the lovely memories with a smile… God bless!!!

  47. just wnated u to know.. these days are VERY DiFFICULT for me.. and i have, ever so often.. wanted to come hug you bcs i cant stand the pain inside.its VERY difficult.. its like.. not being able to breathe..

  48. Although it’s difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
    May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.

    hugs and much love.
    peace and courage.

  49. Dear IHM ,
    Last year sometime in July I discovered your blog and instantly got hooked onto it , There was not a single line which you wrote I could not agree. I loved your passionate and lucid expressions and within a month I learnt about your loss . I then felt it would feel frivolous to comment on your blog and sympathise because I was a complete stranger but , today I know for sure that my feeling was totally unfounded because a loss as deep as yours does not need to be comforted by only known people , it only needs to be understood by anyone .
    When Yudhishtir was asked by the lake spirit “what weighs most heavy in the world?” he replied “a parent’s heart after the loss of their child ” . somehow I keep thinking about it
    whenever I think of you and am thankful that despite so much of pain and anguish in your heart you still manage to think about the other issues important to women and write about them to create an understanding and make the world a notch better for them .
    IHM , I can only try to fathom how heavy you feel when you think of Tejaswee.
    Our principal of the college , where I worked, had lost his 9 years old son and sometimes talked about his wife’s pain and struggle to come to terms with her grief and I thought that it was his way to express his grief through his wife . I have known a grieving parent and i can atleast in part understand how much hard it is to carry on with life without the child who is so dear to us whom we thought will always stay with us physically .
    I cant stop imagining that , if your daughter had been around in this material world she would be as strong and clear in her thinking , just like you, and would have contributed positively for the society directly ……..but in her absence also , through you she brings in so much of goodness , strong attitude and enthusiasm for life in our way .
    i am really indebted to her and you .
    my prayers for both of you .
    kirti

  50. I just happened to read a comment above which quoted Dumbledore and you know, what it says might just be true. Think of it this way, our life isn’t exactly what we live everyday but infact, a snapshot of events / memories captured in our brain. In that sense if your brain keeps bringing back the same thoughts, Tejaswee continues to live…

    I know it sounds silly IHM but who knows what small comment hits the nail and makes you smile. Just trying. You cannot imagine how this has affected my life as well IHM. Take care.

  51. I feel for you, IHM.
    I have been rather unwell and had kept away from all blogs for over a week and just returned this Sunday and read your touching post.
    The heart feels heavy and I am at a loss for words.

    Being a parent of two children, (one of them rather close in age to Tejaswi), I can well imagine what a terrible experience it would be to lose one’s child. I would be devastated if I ever faced such a tragedy.

    So I feel so terribly unqualified to ask you to be brave in a situation like this.
    Yet, you have been brave.
    You have written with emotion and maturity about your grief and made us all share the heaviness in your heart.
    I join others in praying for mental strength for you, your husband and son,

    Keep up your morale. Continue to blog the way you are doing.
    It will be great stress buster and help you to face the situation.
    And yes, all the best to you on the occasion of your expedition.

    I will look forward to reading about your experiences and I trust you will include lots of pictures.

    Regards and best wishes
    GV

  52. Dear IHM,

    I don’t have words..just wanted to say that I lost my Parent, and through your blog found the strength to express my grief. Thanks for helping me vent and get rid of the toxic feelings. Thanks for helping me become a better person.

    I can’t feel your pain,
    but I have my own in my heart,
    I can’t wipe the tears welling up in your eyes,
    As I am rendered blind by mine.

    Love, keeps us going on the rough terrain,
    Faith gives the strength to start over,
    I want to Love,Keep the faith,
    I want to go on..

    I have tried closing all blinds,
    But the heart opens the windows to the past,
    I take a peek,
    And the searing pain returns.

    Am still to learn to live with the grief,
    Am far from accepting the loss,
    But I do thank him for all the days filled with love,
    Yesterday, today and all along..

  53. I think it was on 27 that I had last met Tejaswee in college. Couple of days back that instance came wheezing in my head.
    I do not know how to express myself. You lost your first born, I lost a 3 am friend. It’s a tragic loss, the void is visible but you got to be strong. I’m sure Tejaswee would have wanted the same for you.

    Big Hug.
    -

  54. I find no words to express my empathy towards you. Indeed, no one should ever experience what you have last year. I have no words to express my awe at your strength and at the positive energy you propagate to many many souls, unseen and unheard. You touch many lives. Your daughter was beautiful, and she has left a mark on all of us through you.

    Wonderful idea for the blogscars in her memory – I have a couple of entries too. Wish you the best for your expedition! You are strength herself! So here is a small gift for you and all women. An old poem of mine…

    She is strength herself
    But vulnerable at times
    She endures
    The wrath of mankind

    But she has stood the test of time
    Again and again she has risen to shine
    She is the creator of life
    Though ignored by manmade strife

    She is hard but soft inside
    She holds within her, side by side
    Fiery storms and bright sunshine
    No one knows whats in her mind

    Vices, intolerance and darkness of hearts
    Try their best to break her apart
    Conflicts are made, ignorance cascades
    Voices of sanity are feeble and they fade

    But there is nothing that can bring her down
    Her hope is alive, her spirit is so sound
    Her generosity knows no bounds
    She still loves, and life flourishes around

    She has several names, and many faces
    Known and unknown, at different places
    She is my mother, she gave me birth
    She isnt just a woman, she is the earth

  55. Plenty of hugs IHM! The world would definitely have been a better place with Tejaswee around.. But let go we must! You have been very brave and are managing the grief so very well IHM! She continues to live amidst us through you blog and in thousand other hearts that have known her only through this wonderful space.. more hugs…

  56. Tears in my eyes. Your relationship with Tejaswee is beautiful.

    The post is very touching. I am not very good at putting feelings into words, but I feel for you.

    Like Tejaswee, I wanted to adopt a baby girl when I turned 20, I was obsessed by it on my 20th birthday, I of course did n’t do it but when I read her blog post it all came back to me.

    You are both excellent writers and thank you for sharing your thoughts, joys and sorrows. Its helps me find courage, gives me hope for a better tomorrow and encourages me to write.

  57. I do not think anything for mother can be the same after going through this experience. You show immense courage in dealing with your memories. The blogging awards are so appropriate for Tejaswee

  58. OHH IHM has been a year already, I always read your blog before for the women centric issues you brought forth and the engaging discussions that happen around them but after last year it was a completely different reason i began to read your posts, more to understand how you are doing and coping with the loss. You are a stupendous example of how one must handle such situations in our life, how we can truly appreciate our loved ones who are no longer with us and how we can keep their memories alive …. Tejaswee has and will always be a part of you and she lives on through you, your thoughts and your writings ….

  59. Dear IHM, I have not been around the blog world in the past several months. Still as August creeped in, I remembered Tejaswee and her face full of energy and life. May God bless her soul. And hugs to you.

  60. Pingback: “Grieving parents behave in a different manner. ” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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