100 per cent of the elderly surveyed stated that their daughters-in-law abused them the most.

In a fast-greying India, respect for the elderly is fast vanishing. And if you thought sons were the biggest heapers of emotional stress on their parents, you are mistaken.

For the first time since HelpAge India began measuring the emotional health of elderly in the country, daughters-in-law have bypassed sons as the major abusers of the elderly at home. The trend holds firmly in the capital, where 100 per cent of the elderly surveyed stated that their daughters-in-law abused them the most; the corresponding percentages were 89 and 87 per cent, respectively, in Hyderabad and Bhopal.

In fact, nationally, daughters-in-law are the lead abusers of the old with 63.4 per cent naming them as against 44 pc blaming their sons (in 2010, 57 per cent elderly had said their sons abused them the most).

What do you make of these results?

Doesn’t this show that there is something very basic wrong with this system which is actually seen as good for parents of sons, but which leaves them dependent on their child’s (only male child’s) spouse?

Indians don’t have a very good track record of elder care. In the past the elderly men could hope to have their (often 8-15 years younger) wives as caregivers. But once widowed the women had to depend on the  sons, and hence the insecurity about the sons being ‘stolen away’ by their wives. It is a system that has resulted in family members trying to control those they depend upon.

Even today widows abandoned by their families, sit and beg outside temples in Vrindavan. Many in their fifties, moving comfortably and in good health. Why didn’t they live in their own homes? How is it that these women/their families did not see their ancestral/marital homes as their rightful homes? Many husbands/families seem to have no concept of financial security for female members. HelpAge India could also help with surveys about how to make the elderly aware about the necessity of financial self reliance.

Many Indian parents control their sons’ careers, lives and marriages to ensure they are provided with good care givers (daughters in law). Sex selection and female feticide are also result of this insecurity.

We are also aware that daughters in law are abused by their husbands’ parents, partly because there is a feeling that if they are controlled from the beginning they would make better care givers, and partly out of greed, expectations of obedience, feelings of superiority and entitlement. Daughters in law are also generally not encouraged to be care givers for their own parents, though this is changing now, very slowly.

What happens to those elderly who have no sons and hence no daughters in law?

i. What if the children, sons and daughters, instead of either of their spouses, were seen as the care givers? (Legally they are, but socially we have a long way to go.)

ii. Would it help if Indian parents planned and saved for their retirement  instead of spending on lavish weddings and dowries?

1. Sita, 45 is an only daughter and her mother (78) has income through her pension and investments. Sita has hired full time trained nurses to care for her mother. Her mother is mentally alert, physically weak but able to move with help. She often wakes up at 3:30-4:00 am and the night nurse makes her a breakfast of her choice and feeds her and then switches on the TV for her or reads to her. Sita tried doing all this herself but her own health and the odd hours made it very difficult.

Now her mother lives with her and Sita has the energy to actually talk to her mother, care for her teenage son and pursue her other interests too. No guilt. No neglect.

Would Sita have been able to hire trained help if the elderly was her mother in law? Or even if her mother could not afford it?

Here’s why I doubt it.

2. Savitri has been bitter about not being allowed to choose her son’s name (her mother in law and husband changed the name), her father in law had criticised her in front of her father (and her father said nothing because he was afraid the in laws might send her back to her parents’ home). She was also expected to be grateful because no dowry was demanded.

And now Savitri is the sole caregiver for her mother in law who can barely get up from bed. If she asks her husband to spend some time with his mother, he feels she is finding excuses to avoid what he sees as her ‘work’.

The mother in law sometimes tells the son she is being neglected by Savitri . He conveys his displeasure to Savitri . Savitri has no affection for her mother in law, she just does what is required of her because she has no choice. The son has no interest in contributing more than the finances. The mother doesn’t appear to expect it either.

Do you think Mr Savitri’s mother is happy/satisfied with the situation?

3. Ms Shravan Kumar left her almost completely bed ridden mother in law with her husband to go to another city to shop for her son’s wedding. She is bitter and says she has no affection for her mother in law because she had made her give up her government job when she was young and was generally ill treated by  her. Mr Shravan Kumar left milk and chappaties in a covered bowl by his mother’s bedside and left for work at 8 am, came back at 10 pm, for around a month, leaving the keys with the neighbors. A maid servant used to collect the keys from the neighbors and unlock the door and work everyday but later refused to work in that house because she was afraid that if something happened to the mother in law, she would be blamed.

This is the worst case of elder abuse I have ever seen. How could this have been different?

4. Kaikeyi’s mother in law had died long before she was married and she got along, and was loved and respected by her father in law and her husband’s married, older sisters, who visited often but everybody lived in their own homes. Kaikeyi and her husband are known to have lovingly cared for her father in law. They could not afford full time nurses, but they appreciated what Kaikeyi was doing. Mr Kaikeyi and their son shared the care giving and spent a lot of time by her father in law’s side, and the sisters contributed financially and in any other way required, although her father in law had his pension too. He died peacefully at 94.

Was it lack of interference and criticism that built this loving relationship? Did the father in law’s financial independence help? Did the father in law not living with them (while he was in good health) help?

Could it be the absence of a mother in law that made it easier for the family to see Kaikeyi as in-charge of her own house, family and life?

5. Ms Jahanara in her fifties has hired an attendant at night and a trained nurse during the day for her father (84). Her father has enough income to be able to afford this. He is taken on a wheel chair for all family gatherings and looks forward to his twice daily walks on wheelchair, sometimes his daughter,  son in law and visiting grand children and relatives also join him. He loves that.

They live in the same house, the door is not allowed to be kept shut even if the AC is on, because the daughter wants to be able to hear if her father calls out to her. His favorite foods are cooked for him (by a cook) and his wheel chair is brought into the living room specially when there are visitors known to him. Even though he has dementia, he is treated with respect and what he says taken with reasonable seriousness. He sometimes moves to his other daughter’s home too. The only son is settled abroad.

Once again, would this have faced criticism if he was the husband’s father? Many people seem to see hiring help as shirking of responsibility (and abuse) by daughters in law.

6. Ms Kunti at 71 has hired two attendants for herself, both of them can drive and take her around to meet her family and friends. She is in good health and her desire for independence ensures she takes good care of her health and finances. Her two daughters call her everyday, and generally find her preoccupied with her favorite TV serials. At 71, she is still a support to her children and visits them only when they need her. She has a son too and although her daughters would like to care for her, she feels it’s the son daughter in law who should look after her (if and when needed). This is very common and seems to go with the thinking that only the son should inherit the parents’ care-giving, family name and property etc.

One reason for such thinking is the neighbor’s opinion. Indian society tends to age people faster. Respectable behavior is expected. Bright colors, loud music, going for holidays (except pilgrimage), spending on oneself and living on their own and being independent has traditionally been commented upon by the neighbor’s third cousin’s nephews.

I feel most elderly would love to be independent – specially if they have tasted the confidence that comes from being able to take care of their own needs (for as long as possible).

But independence in the elderly is often seen as a sign that one’s children (mainly daughters in law) are not caring for them. Indian elderly seem to want the world to know that their sons and indirectly their daughters in law, care for them. This must be proved by their being seen wearing certain kind of clothing and by living with them.

Would it help if the elderly in India could really live their lives, have interests and friends of their own and were generally more satisfied with their lives?

But the biggest change would be if instead of looking at their son’s spouse for care giving, they could expect their own sons and daughters to take care of them. And if one took pride in their self reliance.

Related posts:

A few elder care arrangements that work for ALL concerned – Sangitha

Thoughts while standing on threshold – Suranga