The interference of parents in the married life of their daughters…

Pallavi shared this link.

‘The interference of parents in the married life of their daughters has become a major cause for playing havoc with the lives of young couples post marriage, the Delhi high court has said.

Daughter are supposed to become paraya dhan once they are given away in kanyadan, and any Indian man and his family would be justified in wanting a divorce if a woman’s  parents forget that.

Why I’d worry about any such biased and generalized statements. Because they encourage Indian parents to continue to disown their married daughters. Happily-Married-Daughters bring approval of the neighbours’ uncle’s nephew’s third cousin’s grandfather, so even if a married daughter is unhappy, she is advised to please adjust, or die trying. Having no one to turn to, makes her less equal and exposes her to abuse, exploitation and harassment.

Also, even if the parents were interfering in the case mentioned, it does not mean that this is becoming a trend. The idea that a woman’s parents have no right to support her once she is married, and an adult male needs to be mothered all his life, is changing and this change should be welcomed.

I wonder why there was no mention of ‘parental interference’ in these cases.

1.

Allegations that the mother-in-law kicked the daughter-in-law with her leg, told her that her mother was a liar, poisoned the ears of her son against the daughter in law, had been giving perpetual sermons and threatened her with divorce. [link]

2.

Bombay HC held that in-laws’ insistence on sari can’t amount to cruelty under the Hindu Marriage Act. [My response here.]

Deciding what an adult son’s adult spouse wears is not interference?

3.

Another mother “filed an affidavit that the daughter in law works 8 am to 8 30 pm, but does ‘no additional work’ at home.

Was this seen as interference?

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And just how much do an Indian daughter’s parents interfere for it to have ‘become a major cause for playing havoc’ with their daughter’s marriages?

In Haryana a son beat his wife in the presence of her parents, for wearing jeans when she went shopping with them.

‘…the police promptly dispatched the battered woman … to her in-laws house, terming it as a “family matter”. No case was filed.

Promptly dispatched to her in-laws house, a paraya dhan‘s rightful home once she is married.

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Bollywood went out of it’s way to show loving a married daughter could lead to breaking her marriage.

How would you see this scene from ‘Phagun’ (1973)  if Waheeda Rehman was the husband’s mother and not Jaya Bhaduri’s?


Related posts:

No Jeans for Indian Daughters in law.

Can’t end marriage over sari.

Loving sons who devote their days and night to maintain peace in the family.

(and many , many more)

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107 thoughts on “The interference of parents in the married life of their daughters…

  1. More marriages are broken because of interference from the girl’s in-laws…
    And what about the emotional support a daughter gets from her parents post marriage??
    How weird is this?? How can a court… a high court… say that!!??

    Me – As it is a girl’s parents hesitate in supporting her and then we have such judgments! Those who were in two minds will be influenced … they will have an excuse, to take the easy way out and leave their daughter alone.

  2. Wow. The incredible arrogance, entitlement and selfishness of a man who thinks it’s ok to wake up his sleeping wife because he is hungry! And yes – of course, no parents should not be interested in their daughter at all once she is married.

    “Promptly dispatched it to it’s in-laws house, a paraya dhan‘s rightful home once it is married.” would be a better description – since the traditional norm is basically of an object that is transferred from one owner to another, rather than a person with her own feelings, mind and will.

    Me – Double standards get reinforced with such statements – take a look at Chandrima Pal’s comment.

  3. i wouldnt comment on the matter unless i know the whole story,, the courts are generally right.. they might have some reason..

    me – Maya this post is not about this case. This post is about the assumption that a daughter in law belongs to her in laws once she is married and about the accuracy of the statement that marriages are being broken because of a daughter’s parents’ interference.

    • Actually I think Maya has a point and so does the High Court.

      Very many metro marriages are being ruined because of this very reason…excessive interference by the girl’s parents.

      Me – Pinku isn’t that a generalization? Aren’t there divorces caused by the interference from the boy’s family? Would it not be better if all parents are asked to stay away unless there is abuse or violence?
      And also some of these divorces caused by a woman’s parents might be because the girls are actually unhappy in these marriages. Our society is just not used to women wanting divorce, no matter what the circumstances.

  4. “The interference of parents in the married life of their daughters…” Why not interfering in the lives of sons??

    Parents should keep out of the way of the lives of their married children. be it son or daughter. It is utter nonsense the way parents interference in the son’s life is seen as ‘normal’ and acceptable Society does not frown upon it and encourages it. But helping a daughter even if she is in trouble is frowned upon. I simply cannot understand these double standards. Children are children. Period. If it applies to one, it applies to both.
    It is a shame how men are pampered all their life. Shame on them for accepting the pampering as their birth-right and also shame on those women who pamper them BECAUSE of their gender.

    Me – I read the comments below the article and when someone suggested that parents should not interfere in all children’s marital lives, there was protest asking if parents’ should be thrown in Kochi backwaters or Arabian sea.

    • Wow, at one end comes interference and at the other end being thrown in Kochi backwaters. As if there is no middle way!

      Me – Or maybe Kochi backwaters fears came up because like you in your comment, he said ‘All children’.

    • Since when did the parents’ love & concern become interference in the Indian/Asian community?
      It’s pathetic when people (as adults) refuse to acknowledge parent’s love & label it wrongly? This is a form of parasitic behaviour.
      Let’s not follow the rules of the animal world where the offspring leave their biological parents without any sense of obligation towards them once they grow up.

  5. I read the article yesterday, and actually my husband quoted it to me, with sarcasm and with acknowledgment, he thinks it is true, and he thinks girl’s parents interference can harm conjugal harmony. When I replied what about so many women die because of son’s parents interference, his reply was that he is not saying anything it is high court’s judgment. I see very little hope to the change in scene even in 20 years, when my daughter will be the protagonist, but I desperately want a change. This is wrong, absolutely wrong. And we will be even more wrong if we accept all these immature, ignorant, insensitive attitudes of Indian officials. It is absurd to be treated like a second class citizen in your own country.

    • @Chandrima, I know enough men who would take the stand your husband has taken. And yet, if the court had said otherwise, they would decry the decision as unworthy and irresponsible of the court, even if it be made by the Supreme Court. :(

  6. Oh, So a guy can work all day and come back home to a relaxing atmosphere, while a woman can work all day and come back to cook and clean. Why is she a lesser person. A friend of mine, recently got divorced over this. She was married for about two years. However she could’nt put up with hours at work, followed by work at house too, and when she voiced her opinion of getting a maid, they didn’t get one. It all mounted up to be too much for her, and she left and got a divorce. She had spoken to her husband multiple times, and he has the audacity to say that he still can’t see where anything went wrong.

    I was speaking to my mom about this some time ago, how I don’t expect my wife to come home and cook dinner and I am more likely to hire a cook. She said that how she juggled a full time job, domestic responsibilities of a mother and dad (dad died when I was six). I told her that just because she had to go through it all, doesn’t mean my wife will not be entitled to some rights or luxuries (in words of some of my relatives)> if we both work, then we should both be expected of the same things. You don’t expect me to cook, don’t expect her to cook as well. Period.

    • Yay for you Hrishi and may your tribe increase! I sometimes wonder how our mothers managed it all, and without a word of complaint. I think it’s because they didn’t even let themselves think there was an alternative.

    • Hrishi i truly agree with you, my husband and i work full time. Both of us leave the house at same time and come back at around the same time. with almost 12 hours spent outside office, and out of rest if i take off 7 hours of sleep. We are left with 5 hours, which both of us want to spend peacefully. which can only happen if we stand up for each other- whether its in household work or in front of our parents or anywhere else.
      Its stressful sometimes that we need to work really hard to find time with each other. We would rather not let anybody else interfere how we should run our house.i love him and i dont want to leave him for these petty issues- we can manage house without the maid but the fact is its not a competition where who does more work wins.. its about managing OUR house. So let the decision be with the couple how they want to lead their life.
      i dont mind if he makes a cup of tea if he is home early. We do it not because we are forcing each other to do it because we feel like doing this. Similarly he doed not expect me to keep his clothes ready for office n all which trust me my mom does till today.

      Parents & In laws need to understand this, there is no best way to lead life. But that does not mean we cant make an effort to make our lives better. What changes though is since we are leading our life in a particular manner- we cannot expect our children to follow the same.

      • I agree with this comment. Everyone has to figure out managing their house their way. Any interference will get in the way of the couple either parents or in-laws.

      • I totally agree…Parents and inlaws should leave this decision of how they want to spend their life on to their kids..Yes their experience is valuable but ultimately its upto husband and wife to decide how they want to manage their life be it work, home chores etc. My husband helps me happily although it was hard getting him to understand that i too need a hand with my work in kitchen in whatever way he can help but this doesnt go down well with most of the people around specially inlaws as boys are born and brought up in world of believes that they are not born to do anything in house chores..And it becomes frustating at times when i am compared to my mother-in-law on how she keeps home clean and does every work, how efficiently she cleans clothes..argggghh..time has changed..we as women want to work, manage our home and still want some time for our own little hobbies..amen

    • U are a star ….. i went through the same situation like your friend along with a lot of physical and mental abuse …i am divorced now and scared a wee little of men …your comment made me feel a little good that good men still exist …kudos to you

  7. Some people desperately need to wake up and read this IHM. Adult males most of the time are not considered grownup enough to lead their lives on their own terms.Tied eternally to their mother’s apron strings they continue to exist in a a puppet’s life. Exist not Live.
    It is not just parental support for daughter but any support to the woman in need is a threat and considered ” brain washing” . Doesn’t apply to men. When I say men it means those spineless dudes who can not stand up for themselves and there are several of them lurking around.

    Why is it difficult for such women to fight for their rights and step out with dignity?
    A lot of factors and you have discussed them also but trust me it is frustrating when you hang in the abyss.

    In-laws are sometimes like gandhari , they cover there eyes to reason . They live in egocentric denial and defend that it is their right to “control and guide” the DIL because she needs to ” adjust” . Her parents, friends and others are outsiders and should be kept at bay. Poisoned minds break houses.
    Do you know sometimes girls too want to don’t let the parents intervene for various reasons like the financial or other conditions in the parental home.

    If a girl’s parents “interfere” for their daughter’s happiness and dignified living , guess it is time to get up and get going irrespective of what the so called society thinks.

    I am glad I have such family. Better late than never I say.

    • yes, but tell me what to do when husband -wife are living away from both their parents and the wife’s family interfere in their personal life? both are living very happily until wife’s parents decide to break the peace and harmony. what should the husband do?

  8. I won’t comment on what the court said but the subject you’ve raised is very relevant today. It’s weird how some people can never learn they are actually causing trouble. How I wish we would have real hunky dory families with sons and daughters and in-laws happy together as we have on reel. And if it’s privacy that it takes, what’s the deal about not granting it?

  9. Gosh! Its unbelievable that it is assumed that a girl ‘belongs’ to her in-laws’ after she gets married. I would like to believe that first and foremost, I ‘belong’ to my H, everyone comes secondary. Why doesn’t everybody get that? A daughter’s parents are going to love her and worry about her even when she gets married, same as the son’s parents.

    Me – Traditionally a daughter’s parents are supposed to understand that she goes to her in laws’ house in a Doli and comes out only in an Arthi- when she dies. Her Pati Parmeshwar’s house is her heaven and hell, her world. In subtle forms this is still followed.

  10. Another gem from traditional patriarchal school of thought, “Beti ka kanyadaan karne ke baad, uski taraf peeth kar lo, varna voh sasuraal mein bas nahin sakti” After marrying off your daughter, turn your back to her, otherwise she can not adjust in her in-laws house.

    My argument is – why is only she supposed to adjust, why cant every one adjust with each other – have an open dialogue and reach an understanding. She is an adult, old enough to get married, but she is not sensible enough to engage in a dialogue and make changes along with every one else?

    And why is she supposed to make sacrifices, be abandoned by her parents just because she got married

  11. A very relevant topic indeed. I think we have enough brutalities against women as it is. How exactly is a boy or girl different in today’s world? Both are educated, both work, both are trying to cope up with kids. I don’t see any reason to single out the girls parents. No parents should interfere. Period. Unless of course a life is threatened! Although it goes well saying that living in joint families help a lot in terms of having someone to take care of the kids, but I think I prefer a nuclear family, if either set of parents start interfering.

    Me – I feel the Joint Families system ostracizes those parents who have no male children. All married couples should make their own homes and so that parents of either can seek support from them.

  12. Irritating to see the fellow in the video! Girl’s parents are an interference but if it were the chap’s own mom, oh it’s all fine for her to butt in with her love! I say couples must live separately and enjoy each set of parents love, in a fair manner!Uff such double standards get me started!

    Me – I completely agree. And Dee this movie was a huge hit at the time, popular songs too.

    • oh I have no doubt it would have been one of those movies tht confused the hell out of people with saner thoughts!!! Such things they chuck at us to watch! LOL!

  13. IHM, I thought your stand was – no parents (whether boy’s or girls) should interfere with their children’s life. So, why are you worried about this? You should have welcomed this and said additionally that even the boys parents should not interfere in their lives…

    Destination Infinity

    Me – DI I feel no parents should have to disown their children, and no parents should continue to interfere in day to day lives of their children. What we have today is 50% (less than that actually, seeing our skewed gender ratio) of the parents are expected to not even help their children if they are being abused, and the other 50% continue to interfere in every aspect of their children’s life, including when and how many and of which gender should their children be, what time their spouse wakes up, how much salt she adds in her curries and how she dresses. Do take a look at the examples.

  14. The irony is she belongs nowhere. She may become paraya dhan when she gets married and even in her in-laws home, she is not really treated like a daughter. I was seeing balika vadhu the other day when I noticed this. The daughter is paraya dhan to her parents and parayi chori to her in-laws. Her job is to try to upload a position in her in-laws home by various methods like giving birth to sons and making excellent food.

    Me – Exactly :(

  15. This is one of the things I don’t think will change in the society. What can I do about it? Just promise to my daughters that I’ll be there for them, whenever they need me, whatever is their marital status!

  16. Interference even when it is from the boy’s side or from the girl’s side should be termed wrong. When the boy’s parent interfere your blog seems to object to it, but when the girl’s parent interfere your blog supports them even though it happens in may be 1% of cases.

    If you read the report, the guy was publicly hit by his father in law, isn’t that cruelty, as per your own yardstick for cruelty on women, the guy should have gotton his divorce.

    Me – I said nothing about this guy being given a divorce. I only objected to the statement that daughter’s parents’ interference cause divorces.

    I know that women are almost always victim of discrimation based on gender, but now in today’s times a small percent of men are also on the receiving side.

    me – Deepak no parents should interfere unless there is abuse or violence involved.
    I have not discusses this case in this post, I only discussed this statement: “The interference of parents in the married life of their daughters has become a major cause for playing havoc with the lives of young couples post marriage…”
    In India a daughter’s parents don’t ‘interfere’ (intervene) even when they should, and a son’s interfere and cause a lot of stress in the couple’s life. That is what I pointed put.

    • “In India a daughter’s parents don’t ‘interfere’ (intervene) even when they should, and a son’s interfere and cause a lot of stress in the couple’s life. ” can you bold this and some media should pick it and put it in the newspaper and translated and put in local media as well.

      I really would like you to write on these issues in newspapers..The blog world is too small …a few emaniciapted people making the same rounds, and knowing that they have others as well. But what about the larger population for whom newspaper is still the major news and not the internet. A point to ponder and executed.

  17. Parents do often cause problems in their child’s marriage…I’ve seen it happen often…I think the court order should have included the boy’s parents as well – then it would have been a reasonable verdict…

    Me – I agree. Also it is the son’s parents who interfere most of the time.

  18. I liked what you wrote about “Happily-Married-Daughters bring approval of the neighbours’ uncle’s nephew’s third cousin’s grandfather, so even if a married daughter is unhappy, she is advised to please adjust, or die trying.”
    I think this is the root of all problem.
    Yesterday I was talking to my mother about her tailor. She mentioned that he has family problems now. His sister was strangled and then burnt by her good-for-nothing-alcoholic-wife beating husband. He is in jail now but how does that help. She mentioned he was crying a lot and telling that they used to provide everything from food, clothes, money – then just why did he have to kill his sister.
    This brought into my mind some of your earlier posts – why do parents send their daughters back and then are they really surprised when their daughters are killed ??
    Regarding parental interferance you said it all!!!
    When parents of the girl support her it is interefernce and should be stopped. Good parents should send the girl back to gain approval of the society.

  19. This is a weird statement, that too coming from esteemed High Court. Why should not girls parents interfere, especially when the boys parents are always there to rule the couple’s life? Is a wife any different from a husband? If our courts don’t treat us equal, then how can expect people’s mentality to change. IHM, its actually taking an effort for me to digest this statement.

  20. I can’t say enough about this topic, its something close to my heart, and I simply cannot understand how boy’s parents ASS-ume they have complete rights over the boy and his wife’s lives and all that crap. The judgement itself seems chauvinistic, if it were more fair, like if the ruling was that NOBODY should interfere in marital life, then it makes sense. If not, it is ridiculous.

    And what I hate most about our Indian system is how the girl’s parents are expected to/behave automatically in a SUBSERVIENT manner to the boy’s parents. I don’t understand, if the couple were to be separated , both boy and girl will be equally crushed, then why are the girl’s parents SO DARN AFRAID of offending the boy;s family?!!!

  21. I totally agree with all the points raised in this particular post and I am not really taking side of the guy involved in the above mentioned verdict but trust me there are quite a few such instances where the point of interference is unbearable. Excess of anything from any which side, be it the girl’s or the guy’s is not good. I have been witness to a few incidents where the girl used to burn herself and mutilate her body so badly if the guy does not listen to her mother’s suggestions which are, trust me, the most ridiculous demands I have ever heard. For a person who has always seen guy or a guy’s side putting pressure on the girl or her side, it was something of a shocker.

    The girl’s mother, brother, father everyone has abused the guy so badly that I myself, a mute spectator of it all kept wondering what kept the guy in the relationship in spite of it all… the answer was, I cant stay without my kids.

    Rather than generalizing, I would here like to say that there are really bad cases of interference which actually ruin the families, be it the girl’s side or the guy’s…

    and also I don’t think that was in exact words the court verdict but that was what was reported of the verdict.. or maybe i was wrong…

    It would have been an acceptable verdict had it been “Children” instead of daughters isnt it??

    me – Sree a daughter’s parents have all the pressure in the society to not only not interfere, but also not support or help her even when she needs it, so the statement (what was reported of the verdict) was difficult to understand. I would have appreciated it if all the parents who do interfere were advised against doing it. And all the parents who ignore pleas of help should also be advised not to disown their children. Gender irrespective.

  22. why so much hulla gulla about the interference of girl’s parents? don’t the boys family interfere in small matters even , starting from what to cook to what to purchase, where to go to where to save – the boys family is ever ready to give their suggestions . not only suggestions but they see to it that the husband and his wife obey to their orders. is it not interference.
    but then although the girl is supposed to be an integral part of the sasural – in reality she is always an outsider and her family more so.
    so even a genuine piece of advice from the parents of the girl is seen as interference

  23. I kind of got stuck at interfering. Parents are supposed to support. Why would anyone (in-laws on both sides) interfere? Their kids are old enough to marry but not mature enough to make their own decisions? Regardless of whose parents these are, interfering is a big problem! All sides need to know and keep to some commonly agreed limits, then relationships actually have a chance to grow and strengthen.

  24. I feel its not about girl’s or boy’s parents, its more about parents per se not interfering in adult children’s lives. A pattern I see in our Indian families is that parents are brainwashed that the purpose of the child is to be their ‘budhape ki lathi’ and so the relationship starts out on a dependent note. The whole idea of bringing up a child well and getting the best education for him/her becomes a means of insuring parents’ future in some cases. This is why most such parents can’t accept the fact that the child has grown up and is a person of his own. They have a script in their heads about what their child will grow up like and how he/she will act once grown up, but in most cases children having had a different atmosphere growing up than parents, turn out to be different. The child too is under tremendous pressure to not become like one of the kids from movies like Baghban (fans of the movie please forgive me but I hate it when the elders at home sit and sob while watching the movie, makes me sometimes think if that is what they think we will do and hence all the control so that we dont do it). Its an unhealthy cycle. Parent thinks that unless he controls the child, the child will leave him and go, so the control increases and fed up the child does what the parent has feared all along. I know I am not exactly talking about the topic, but I have found this dynamic work a lot. I know that as we age, we all start getting more insecure about things, but the point of existence probably is to be the best support system for oneself and thereby extend it to others and not the other way round.

    Me – I agree, and here is what I think of Baghban,
    If I made Baghban.

  25. It might be true that the daughter’s parents caused a rift according to the article, but what is sad and unfair is that there are 100s of such cases (some mentioned in your post) where the guy’s family acts in a similar manner, and it is considered their right. And no one objects it, and the courts, more so make laws in favor of it! :(
    The fact that sons and DILs are the caretakes during the oldage needs to change. All children and their spouses are equally responsible for the parents (of both sides) during their old age. How hard is it to be human towards each other?!! I really fail to understand this :( . Life is short, be happy, and dont make life miserable for each other! more so, for the ones in your own family.

    Well said, Neha.

  26. Its a fine line for the parents to tread on. Too much of interference can cause heartburn and too little can be dangerous for their daughter.

    Its for the parents to know where to draw the line. It also boils down to the comfort level between the families.

  27. this system has to change and i wish people raise their voices against such gender discrimating generalizing comments from courts . It is coming from the same school of thought that believe in marrying off your daughter and then leave her on her destiny and fate .

    My mom once said ” i cannot discriminate between my kids because they both stayed within me for 9 months a, labour was equally painfull and i fed them same” why boys should be given prefernce and in turn boys family have an upper hand after marriage . why one set of parents considered wise and other insignificant . They can give money but not advice . A girl can call her mom to stay with her when she needs help in raising kids ( working moms) but her mom is a burden when she needs help and care at old age . owing to all this , i have some friends who are nly child , they make it very clear before marriage that their parents will also be taken care of by the couple when they will need it ..and thankfully we do have nice men out there who understand that women also love their parents as much as they do and they also need care at old age .

    and Wahida rehman would have annoyed me to death , had she been my mom or my husband s ..or had i been a husband or wife in the scenario . i had such interference and i would have reacted in same way as the guy did .my mom or my in law.

    me – Yes I agree, such comments should be protested against and I can imagine families quoting this statement to either avoid intervening when they should (out of fear of society, lack of confidence etc) or to stop someone from supporting or taking care of their daughter.

  28. Hey IHM,
    When I saw this piece in the newspaper I knew you would write and you did, so well, as usual :)
    I have finally accepted the fact that there are different rules for men n women in our lives.
    I have been bought believing it is equal, so at times its difficult to digest it
    Now I have a daughter 6 mtnhs old, I dont know what to teach her, tell her its a equal world and let the world disappoint her when she has to face the problems/issues I did. See her become cynical like I have become when equality exists only in the books? Become a fighter like I am and be emotionally drained at the end of it?
    Or teach her dat she is not equal to men so that atleast she is happy and life doesnt have to be a battle on every on front, she doesnt become cynical and disillusioned like her mother. And in the process trip her away of her right to stand for her respect!
    Its tough and tormenting too, teaching them the right way :(
    On a lighter note, I’d love anyone who would do my housework, my mother, hubbys mother anyone is welcome :)
    And oh btw Vijay Arora needs a maid, a maid agency num should do :)

    Me – Unfortunately teaching a girl that it is an unequal word does not work. She can’t fail to see that she is equal and has the same rights to dignity, freedom, justice as any other citizen. Having the confidence to take on the world and knowing her mother is always there, is a better way to equip her I think. I would rather we fight to give them a better world, than prepare them to live in an unjust world.

  29. IHM…. for the only time I think, I sorta disagree and agree.
    Firstly, No, A married girl is not “Paraya Dhan” With marriage, her realtionship, expectation and stature in her “parental home” should not change. So here I completely agree…
    Now… parental interference…. any side of of the family whether its guys parents or girls parents is wrong. I know this was not hte point of your post- it was mainly from the “girls parents side”.
    My point it- Who decided- Parental interference is guidance to either party or plain interference.
    Example:
    For me, something that my IL’s say might be inteference, for my husband, it might be- just plain old advice.. .and same thing for me. Something that my parents might say about our marrige might be advice for me and interference for him.

    Its very situational. Parents being parents, hold the right to advice, recommend what they think is right, but …. its the husband and wife which figure out if its truly advice or interference. And its there relationship which helps them talk about it openly and sort out the differences.

    Now, I dont know the details of the case mentioned, I did read the article you pointed to but again no details mentioned. But I am sure there is more to it than just that.

    Me – I did not discuss this case Garima.
    I agree what one sees as interference might be seen as advise by the other partner and eventually the couple has to decide where to draw the line.
    BUT traditionally a girl’s parents are not ‘allowed’ to interfere in their child’s married life, while the boys parents see this as their right, and even if the wife does see this as interference, she is forced to tolerate (if not respectfully welcome) this interference. This makes the parents of the girl become outsiders in her life, and has resulted in male-child preference.

  30. We get married for lifelong companionship, but as courtesy address our respective in-laws as mom and dad as if they’re the long lost family. But deep within, it’s more of a synchronized arrangement.

    this isn’t a blood relationship. Interferes are those who try to drive a bonding artificially rather than build logically.

    • i was very cordial to my inlaws by calling htem mum and dad, but when they blurted on the phone when i asked them about finances, (? a bahu is not i started calling them MR and MRS…) I am being respectful by addressing them as an outsider politely would, because they consider me as one

  31. IHM in my household, both K and I would have loved that “Maa ka pyaar” scene no matter whose Maa it came from. Actually, correction, we did when my mum was here. We got to sleep in as late as we could etc etc, and she took over all the chores. It was not interference.

    Though on a non-frivolous note, neither of us would have taken interference by any set of parents seriously. Our marriage is our own- with no one else in it. Ditto for the house and so on.

    However, didn;t you find it interesting that the husband in the clip needs someone to “mother” him- not the MIL but the wife.

    Me – Careless Chronicles wrote a post on how Indian women are trained in mothering right from childhood – http://carelesschronicles.blogspot.com/2011/02/mamta-perspective-on-roles-of-indian.html

    • IHm the post made me laugh. And feel bad that it was so true.
      And, not to make the whole topic seem frivolous, it reminded me of this horrible joke in translation from Hindi to English. Apparently someone who was translating sentences put “Bhartiya grihaneee sab ko khilane ke baad khati hai” as “The Indian Homemaker eats after eating everyone else”.

  32. In India when you marry, you don’t just marry the boy, you marry the family. It entails a lifetime of adjustment, mostly on the girl’s part.

    I have seen instances when the girl is not able to walk out of an abusive marriage because her parents refuse to support her, are ashamed to face the society. One of them blogs just to vent her fury.

    Our girls need to be educated, encouraged to make independent decisions, to seek out a career of their choice before they even think of settling down.

    Me – Absolutely agree Purba.

  33. Well, in some cases, the girls parents are more helpful than the boys parents and they are labeled as interfering. They are only helping and thus more around. But the boys family will label their son as being in cohorts with his in-laws. And the girls family will be called over bearing, interfering and what not. When the truth is, they have probably been around to help with grand kids or a demanding career or some such thing.

    But, there are times when the girls parents are indeed interfering in a marriage too much, just like the boys side. I think ultimately the man and wife should decide on boundaries.

    me – I agree, except if there is any violence or abuse, when intervention from the victim’s family maybe be necessary.

  34. Interference from both sides can be bad. The sad thing is that more often than not, interference from the man”s side is considered legit and required, while any input from the woman’s family is quickly put down as ‘interference’. What makes this statement even worse is that surely the courts are aware of the ground situation, and yet they feel it alright to pass a statement like this? In a country where most parents of daughters would not interfere, sometimes even when their daughter’s lives are at stake!

    me – You summed it up so well Smitha. Such statements are seriously harmful.

    • Our court needs to rule a “legal decision” and not perpetuate a cultural psyche that is low breed. If not the law, who else does the person turns to for justice, when both set of parents evade the girl.

  35. The thing about the movie clip is that people will sympathise with the man’s point of view. However, if his mother acted this way and she complained, she would be branded a terrible daughter-in-law.

    Me – Yes that is exactly the point I wanted to make. Double Standards. Blatant double standards.

  36. it is horrible that indians value their indian values seriously, but do not value, values in particular ! which just goes to show that the so called indian values that the court is perpetuating is not value anymore, but to be disvalued, because they disvalue human beings !

  37. Pingback: A marriage arranged by the parents is better because they have experience. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  38. interference by the parents of both husband and wife is bad, no doubt, in a Hindu family after marriage girl belongs to the boys family, interference by the girls parents is absolutely not necessary until and unless there is real trouble to the girl, i feel in their daily routine work I don’t think the girls parents interference is not necessary, I feel the govt. should take up this matter seriously and make necessary amendments in the law, by this many families will be saved and also an amendment should be made to the splitting of the family by the influence of the girls parents ( I know many instances) many families are suffering by this bad influence of the girls parents, by this the aged parents of the boy will suffer and there will not be anybody to look after the aged parents, this is the main cause of setting up of many old age homes, I feel necessary amendments should be made in the law. I invite comments (genuine) or suggestions in this regard.

    • interference by the parents of both husband and wife is bad,

      Me – I agree.

      no doubt, in a Hindu family after marriage girl belongs to the boys family,

      Me – Does the girl have a real choice in this?
      If she prefers to live in her own house with her husband, will the young couple be seen as selfish?
      How come the girl’s parents, who put in as much effort to raise her, don’t demand that the son in law lives with them and takes care of them in their old age?
      Could the system be biased and needs to be changed?

      interference by the girls parents is absolutely not necessary until and unless there is real trouble to the girl, i feel in their daily routine work I don’t think the girls parents interference is not necessary,

      Me – Both the set of parents need not interfere unless there is abuse or violence.

      I feel the govt. should take up this matter seriously and make necessary amendments in the law, by this many families will be saved

      Me – A law banning interference from both the parents (specially the boy’s parents) might help, many women will not be burnt alive, harassed to have male children, or be forced to jump from 19th floor with their small children… etc.

      and also an amendment should be made to the splitting of the family by the influence of the girls parents ( I know many instances) many families are suffering by this bad influence of the girls parents,

      Me – By splitting the family you mean couples moving out of Joint Family homes and making their own homes and living in Nuclear Families? I think that is the best thing to happen to our society.
      The couple must live in their own home and, as and when needed the parents of either of the partners can move in with them. We must remember the girls parents are also parents.

      by this the aged parents of the boy will suffer and there will not be anybody to look after the aged parents,

      Me – What happens to a daughter’s parents? In our present system, we don’t even see them as Senior Citizens! Only boys parents are seen as Senior Citizens and that is why people abort girl babies so they can get a ‘budhape ka sahara’ and his wife as a care giver in their old age.

      this is the main cause of setting up of many old age homes,
      Me – Good quality old age homes should be available to those who need them.
      Do you think parents of daughters might have no option but to move into old age homes because they are forced to send their daughters (with dowry and instructions to obey) to take care of Senior Citizens who have sons.
      Do you think this might be one of the major reasons why everybody here wants male children and why we find wells filled with aborted female foetuses?
      Could this lead to a ‘Matrubhoomi’ kind of situation? Men in Haryana have to ‘buy’ wives from North East and Kerala – should we be making laws to control this hatred of daughters?

      I feel necessary amendments should be made in the law.
      Me – Law may not help as much as changing in mindsets – girls should have a choice in whether or not to marry into Joint Families, and also in if and when to marry .

      I invite comments (genuine) or suggestions in this regard.
      Me – My genuine comments are given above.
      I would like to hear your views on why we have a culture that never wanted daughters – why have we had customs and traditions across country, of killing baby girl, before or after they were born for centuries.

  39. Pingback: Indian brides told to reduce mobile phone use. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  40. when a woman moves to her husband’s home she has to forget her royal treatment but has to understand that this treatment should be passed on to her children in future.

    a mother has no rights to interfere in her daughter life after marriage .. specialy hyderabadi should understand this.

  41. Pingback: It is easy to walk out and wish for a nucleated system, for petty squabbles like this. « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  42. A Sufferer

    When a woman is not supported by husband and inlaws,girls parents also dont support her and they ask her to go.Its ridiculous to see girls parents also dont support when a girl gets divorced and after divorce its hard luck if a guy accept you as you are looking.These days girls are purposely kicked after marriage.Girls husband is not supporting and in one case I have seen love marriage is there instead of boys parents interference girls parents are interfering and giving guidance to girl that dont be soft with your inlaws.Besides all support from inlaws and no interference still the girl doesnt get mingled,in the sense hardly after some months she calls inlawas and talk in short for 10 mins.

  43. Pingback: Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  44. Pingback: No Gajar Ka Halwa for an Indian Daughter in law? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  45. Heights of interfernce :
    My mother in law also monitors which side of the bread/Roti i use to put ghee on it..does it matter??..really??i didnt know that seriuosly..this is heights of controling..and the funny part is that she and my father in law dont eat bread with ghee so its me and my hubby who eat Rotis with ghee and both of us dont care a bit which side the ghee is..but then someone in a habbit of controlling cant leave this simple thing go unnoticed and unintereferd..uffff :D
    And then she tells me that leave your old manners and follow this as if i am doing somethinf really wrong. Why do i have to change my habbits just because it is how they do it..
    Someone please suggest me how to handle such pity situations.

  46. Pingback: Haryana panchayat cuts off married girls from parents’ property | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  47. Pingback: An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law… | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  48. Pingback: Arranged Marriage Market: “Oh! then our son has to take care of you and your wife too”! | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  49. Pingback: “Let me give you the reason I asked for advise here instead of talking with my family.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  50. So Indian society thinks its perfectly legit for the boy’s parents to impose and interfere in the lives of the married couple and call the shots, but the girl’s parents have to keep themselves at an arms length??? Isn’t that just plain stupid? Makes no sense to me.

  51. Pingback: An update: “My friend is having the baby because her mother absolutely refused to support her decision to abort.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  52. Pingback: An email: “I find it very hard to forgive my husband for all that happened at the time of my delivery.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  53. In Indian culture ,girls are married off and they come as a dulhan to guys home.
    She is married not only to her husband ,but has to develop bonds with his family.
    I mean this is what differentiates us from western culture.
    And if the inlaws expect the daughter in law and son to listen to their advices ,then its just the experience which they are sharing with them for their goodness and well being.
    There should be no grudges in such cases.
    I think we women have to change our mindset a bit and think rationally.
    I may sound a bit traditional and orthodox,but god has created two beautifull creatures ie man and woman.
    God has made man stonger physically so that he can go in the bad world and bring in food for his family.
    God has made women so that with her loving and caring nature she can feed food (brought by her husband) to her children and family.
    To lead a good family life both the duties and both (male and female) are of equally important.

    I am giving this early age example,so that we should not forget our basics.

    • Indian culture also consisted of sati burnings and making dalits carry human waste. Should we carry on with that too? Does something become right just because it was done 5000 years ago?

      “In Indian culture ,girls are married off and they come as a dulhan to guys home.”
      What does this even mean for nuclear families? My husband and I bought our own home just before we married and moved here as a married couple. Yes, we paid for it equally. So how can you say that I came to his home? Why not think of marriage as two people coming together instead of as one coming into the other’s family?

      “She is married not only to her husband, but has to develop bonds with his family.”
      Is the husband not married to her also, owing the same to her family?

      “I think we women have to change our mindset a bit and think rationally.”
      So we should believe that we are somehow meant to stay financially dependant and go live with strangers just because you happened to be born with a vagina and not a penis? How exactly is that rational?

      “I may sound a bit traditional and orthodox,but god has created two beautifull creatures ie man and woman.
      God has made man stonger physically so that he can go in the bad world and bring in food for his family.”
      In today’s world, bringing home the food usually means sitting at a desk in an office. I go out in the ‘bad world’ to earn and let me tell you, it’s not so bad. Why don’t we let women decide for themselves instead of telling them what god wants them to do? My husband is actually happy that I share the financial responsibility equally. When we have kids, we will be able to provide a much better life because we make double of single-income families. Isn’t it good for everyone?

      “God has made women so that with her loving and caring nature she can feed food (brought by her husband) to her children and family.”
      Is there any scientific proof that women have this special different nature? Are we really saying that men are incapable of being nice and cooking? My husband is as loving and caring as me (probably more!) and cooks 50% of our food, just as well as me. Why should we exclude men from bonding with their kids and cooking? These are basic skills that anyone can develop!

      “To lead a good family life both the duties and both (male and female) are of equally important.”
      Yes, there are duties both within and outside the home, but these are not male and female duties. My husband and I share both equally and are very happy and successful. If some families want to split them into male and female, it’s their choice. But by no means is this something that ‘god’ intended and that all women should accept!

  54. Pingback: “Her husband has told her she can leave if she wishes, she does not have a steady income of her own.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

      • I live and grew up in the US, and while my mother tried to instill these traditional gender roles in my head growing up, it’s never worked.

        I cannot believe that so many people in India still live and believe in this backward way of life in the year 2013! What did they ever learn in school? Have they never picked up a book on British Imperialism? For a country that suffered through being treated like second-class citizens and slaves under British rule for decades and centuries, it is really pathetic and shameful that they are doing the same to the women in their country.

        These people are shaming my mother country worldwide since this is exactly the image many Westerners have of India and Indian culture. Pretty damn sad.

        (IHM, thanks for writing this blog and spreading awareness of these issues.)

  55. Pingback: These lines sum up the biggest reason for male child preference and skewed gender ratio in India. | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  56. Pingback: “But, my only motive in life has been my daughter’s happiness which is now in your hands. I beg you, please keep her happy” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  57. Pingback: ‘I have grown up and gotten used to the fact that my parents are considered less fortunate since they did not have a son.’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  58. Pingback: ‘Will it be possible for Indian women to negotiate a postnup when finding a mate is a feat in itself?’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  59. Pingback: “Now I just think of marriage as contract to go serve some stranger family. He made it clear that I could have ended in a much worse situation.” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  60. Pingback: ‘Daughters growing older, their egos becoming bigger, their attitudes and behavior becoming more boorish..’ | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  61. Pingback: Shravan Kumar takes his wife to London to bring back her smile… | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  62. Pingback: Response to “Koi Baap Apni Beti Ko Kab Jaane Se Rok Paya Hai” | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  63. Dear SISTER Pallavi ,U make statement and shared this link as
    ‘The interference of parents in the married
    life of their daughters has become a
    major cause for playing havoc with the lives
    of young couples post marriage, the Delhi
    high court has said.
    But still ,is above statement false , when their daughter is HAPPY in her family ???
    But i confidently say above statement is false when wife get harassed by husband or husband’s family.

  64. Pingback: What advice would you give to a woman whose husband beats her when she does not give him lunch on time? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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