What do men need liberation from?

1. Men need liberation from being family breadwinners or ATM cards. All responsibilities should be shared by all adult family members.

If there is a family business, the son must (and the pressure increases if he is the first male child) join it, no matter how unsuited or how unwilling.

2. Men should be able to pursue their dreams.

I know of one talented man who wanted to be a theater artist, and still hopes to – some day when his family is settled. Men need liberation from a system that expects them to  – marry, ensure their spouse is dutiful,and have sons to carry on the family name …and the same responsibilities.

3. Men need liberation from being ‘protectors’ of women. Boys as little as four are taught to take care of all the women in the family. We might think it’s no big deal, it prepares them for taking over future responsibilities – but it is a burden, and I think every child has a right to stay a child while he is a child.

Girls who do not have brothers manage perfectly fine, women who do not have sons or husbands learn to ‘protect’ themselves. I think families should make an effort to encourage girls to take care of themselves, so their brothers – sometimes years younger – are not forced to be their ‘protectors’.

4. Another responsibility a lot of Indian boys have is of escorting the women in the family. Thousands of women travel to work and at all hours on their own, but many thousand more from all backgrounds are always accompanied by some male relative. It is a waste of time for the male relative. I think our society should realise that they have more to do in life than following (or leading) female relatives who can easily learn to move on their own.

I know of this woman who had an opportunity to sing at a Radio Station (in 1970s) but since her brother couldn’t accompany her there everyday, she had to miss her dream opportunity. The woman was 25 then. Why couldn’t she be shown how she could commute on her own, instead of forcing an unwilling and bored sibling to accompany her?

5. In many families men are also the family chauffeurs. Women – same generation, age and educational qualifications wait for male members to drive them wherever they have to go. This when thousands of women all over the world drive their own cars.

Shouldn’t a man know that if he needs to be driven somewhere, he can rely on a female member with the same ease she finds him reliable. Driving and cooking are important skills for all men and women.

6. In conservative families men are expected to know whether their adult spouse and siblings  are appropriately (modestly) dressed.  They also must guide them about where they can or can’t go (apart from driving them till there). This is seen as a part of ‘protect the women in the family’ responsibility. Once again, why not make every adult member take responsibility for themselves?

Even if the dependent female members initially dislike it, eventually everybody benefits from this.

7. And then unlike girls who are encouraged to get married and move on with their own family life (sometimes against their wishes, but that’s a different topic) – men are under immense pressure that their spouse, probably chosen by the family elders,  is taught to be  dutiful and respectful to their family.

Most parents are less selfish when looking for a life partner for their daughter. Dowry  and social standing worries apart, they try to make sure they find someone who would care for the girl. The rules often change when it comes to sons.  The family elders rarely look for a partner for the son, they generally look for a daughter in law for themselves.

Here the men often have little say in who they marry. Their life partner is chosen for her dowry, her height, her skin colour, her marks in Class X, her sister’s character and the number of male children in her family. And even after all this, if he falls in love with the wife, he is made to feel like he is abandoning the family. Daughters face no such problems, they can rave about how wonderful they think their husband is, the entire family looks indulgently, even proudly that a daughter from their family is so well settled. If she misses him, she is teased affectionately.

(This often makes a married daughter lie about any problems she might be facing, but that’s another blog post.) The happily married daughter is seen as an asset to the family name and honor,  but not a happily married son. A married son’s opinion – if he disagrees is seen with suspicion because it might be tinged with his wife’s opinion, but a happily-married-daughter’s opinion is valued. Her spouse – unlike a son’s spouse, is an important family member. (Maybe the most important family member).

And the son dare not object to this bias because that is seen as the worst betrayal a son can ever show.

Now with equal property rights and equal responsibilities – this does seem unfair.

8. Being able to do jobs that are ‘reserved for women’ – like cooking or cleaning. The first ones to protest are women, mothers who have seen nothing better, and then wives who have been taught this is not a man’s job.

Remember ‘Salaam Namaste’?

9. Being able to enjoy looking good without being labeled.

Something as simple as being able  to grow their hair. Why is it that most offices have no problem with women in long hair but feel men with long hair mean lack of discipline?

Men also have restriction on the colours they can wear, although most Indian men don’t care for colour stereotypes.

10. Freedom to show they are sensitive. Feelings like jealousy, frustration, fear, nervousness or insecurity are not be reserved for women, but men are expected to never show these feelings.

11. Paternity leave. And the freedom to show they are more than sperm donors. I know of men who made great parents, and their children would have benefited from some more time with them. Men should have the freedom and facilities to choose to be full time parents.

I am sure there are more. And just like equal rights for women are good for the entire society, equality for men is also good for the entire society.

Related post: International Men’s Day.