Pubs in Andhra to be officially Reserved For Men?

Does the absence of women in public spaces makes these spaces safer for women? 

Can you imagine such reservation possible if it wasn’t for Patriarchal traditions?

Link and message shared by Madhavi Kaivalya K

Hi,

I came across this some time ago but turned a blind eye. But I can’t any more. This is so outrageous and people should know what kind of powers we’re giving to what kind of Govt.:

Andhra government bans women from pubs after 10 pm, claims it will keep them safe.

I think it will be good if you can blog about this. I don’t understand – if men are committing crimes against women, they should ban men in public places after 10.00 p.m. I know it’s not men Vs. women but this news is so outrageous.

I’ve a suggestion for those who claim that men can get provoked and lose control when they see women dressed in a certain manner – Just take a vote and pluck the eyes of everyone who claims that they can lose control when they see women being dressed “provocatively”. I don’t want to sound barbaric but if that’s what they claim, then this would be the right course of action to keep the country safe rather than restricting women.

Thanks & Regards,
Madhavi Kaivalya K

Another gem from Andhra:

Freedom at midnight but doesn’t mean we can roam around freely at midnight

Those who make such reservations for Indian men seem to believe that generations of Indian men are like kids, singing the first part of this post,

An Indian Shravan Kumar’s poem to his mother

I might be thirty five year old,
But I still crave for your food.
Yes, I do have a wife,
But all she gives me is strife,
Over things I don’t do,
Or wasn’t taught to do,
Like how I need to grow up,
And get things in order,
But what do I do, I always had you,
Fussing over my every single mood,… [Click here to read the entire post]

Related Posts:

What’s the best way to fight for your rights and freedoms and to prevent Talibanization of India?

I do not like reservation.

In Gurgaon, jobs, safety and roads after 8 pm, reserved for men?

I don’t care for freedom

Male escorts and whistles: IIT-Madras’s new safety plan.

One Billion Rising, Gurgaon : Photographs.

“In my own company in a cosmopolitan city, I know women who were horrified on the First Night.”

Do take a look at this email with a link – shared by Sharmila.

Tradition, custom and culture can make parents of Indian daughters not just tolerate but enforce all this, and worse, on their daughters. Can you imagine this sort of crimes being tolerated if it wasn’t for tradition? 

Hi IHM

We all know how arranged marriages happen in our country and how marital rapes are condoned. The below is the link to a letter i found in quora.com, written by an anonymous girl who was forcefully married off to her uncle(mom’s younger bro).

http://www.quora.com/Arranged-Marriages/How-does-it-feel-to-have-sex-with-a-stranger-on-your-wedding-night/answers/2400693

I was forced to break off all contact with my boyfriend (mobile, internet snatched away, I don’t think I could even have sent a letter, it was so bad) and forced to dive head-first into the wedding arrangements.

The day of the wedding came, and after a really embarrassing lecture from my mother, about my ‘marital duties’ since I was the eldest daughter and no friends had been allowed to my wedding (my parents believed they would whisk me away from the wedding if they came to know), I got ready for the ‘wedding night’. I was already feeling completely shitty about the whole thing, having been cut off from every person that I wanted to be with, being married to my ‘mama‘ in secrecy, and not even knowing whether to think of him as a husband or my mama, and  just wanted to sleep hoping a new day would bring a new start. I waited for my husband to come and when he entered, we exchanged a few awkward sentences about the whole day being tiresome. I then told him “I’m feeling very tired, I will change and go to sleep now” but I was not prepared for what happened next. He suddenly kissed me, and I was a little taken aback, but I just pulled away slowly, and told him that I was not in the mood, and reiterated that I was very tired. He ignored me completely, and kissed me again, this time with more force, and when I tried to push him away, he slapped me.
This was followed by the most horrible experience of my life, the details of which shake me to this day, and I somehow escaped by locking myself in the bathroom. [link]

Please take out time to read this. Do let me know if the link is not working.
You should share it on your blog so that more young women and men read it. Considering that our law makers are not for now going to make marital rape a crime, the least we can do is make the young men aware that in arranged marriages, how women feel regarding sex(rather forced sex). Somehow arranged marriages are glorified in our country. No one seems to understand that women too have desires which include sexual ones. Why is it that people assume that sex is something women need to give and men only the pleasure? I felt so sad reading this. Atleast she had the courage to run away.

In the same link i sent, if you scroll down, you will notice many more comments about arranged marriage. The thing is, many Indian women don’t know what is sex. Men argue, when women get married they are prepared to have sex with them. But no, they dont. In my own company (which is a big corporate) in a cosmopolitan city, I know women who were horrified on the “First Night”. One female colleague told me seeing movies, she thought it was only kissing, hugging, fondling. She was horrified that someone will touch her down there. Seems she cried so much during the wedding night and her husband was nice enough to be patient. Three months into marriage, she realized that her husband won’t wait any longer and let herself be raped. She came and sobbed to us the next day. I did not know what to even say to her.

When will this situation improve?

Regards
Sharmi

Related Posts:

Why did they surrender themselves repeatedly and offer sex to their husbands when…

Denying sex to spouse on first night ground for marriage annulment: Delhi high court

Who will benefit from criminalising sexual assaults within marriages?

“why not marry them first and then have sex ? What prevents you from doing it ? Deep within YOU WANT JUST SEX and nothing more”

Where Consensual Sex is Rape, and Forced Sex a legal right.

Live in Relationships: The man gets a temporary disposable wife?

Daughter-in-law should not be treated as domestic help, says Supreme Court

Was glad to read this this morning.

I would add Unpaid to the Domestic Help.

Also a domestic help is not required to pay to get the job, her employers don’t control what she eats, wear, watches etc in her own home. She can also refuse a chore and negotiate terms of work without facing social stigma. Basically, the employers do not have patriarchy’s permission to control the lives of the domestic help.

Daughter-in-law be treated as family member, not housemaid: Supreme Court

“A daughter-in-law is to be treated as a member of the family with warmth and affection and not as a stranger with respectable and ignoble indifference. She should not be treated as a house maid. No impression should be given that she can be thrown out of her matrimonial home at any time,” a bench of justices K S Radhakrishnan and Dipak Misra said.

Daughter-in-law should not be treated as domestic help, says Supreme Court

…

“Respect of a bride in her matrimonial home glorifies the solemnity and sanctity of marriage, reflects the sensitivity of a civilised society …

“But the manner in which sometimes the bride is treated in many a home … creates a feeling of emotional numbness in society,” it said.

The bench said it was a matter of great concern that brides in several cases were being treated with total insensitivity, destroying their desire to live.

“It is a matter of grave concern and shame …

Shared by psharmarao

Related Posts:

An email: “indian daughter in-law is servant?”
‘His family seems a bit traditional type.I googled “how to behave with in laws after marriage in India.’
An email: The last straw was her expecting me to practise 4 day period sit-out thingy.
An email from an Indian father: I want to place on record my own story as a warning to anyone…
An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do.
Joint Families and Indian Daughters in law.
Not Perfect Enough for Mr Perfect?
I could not sing after my marriage and I am really sad about it, but women have to ‘adjust’ to see their family happy…
No Gajar Ka Halwa for an Indian Daughter in law?

‘I still want to support my decision of getting married to him. I need your help’.

Sharing an email.

Dear IHM,

My husband and I have been living in an open European country for the past few years now and we (rather me more) had been trying to get a local job just to gain more security and employment privileges that usually Indian IT companies cannot offer.

After a long struggle (euro zone crisis to blame) I succeeded in getting one but my husband is still with the same IT company. His project is ending soon and we (again rather me) have been trying vigorously for him either to get a job elsewhere or another project within the same company to buy us some time.

Initially I thought both of us wanted the same thing but gradually my husband’s mind seems to be drifting. His family also pressurizes him to get back to India which is not possible for me right now ‘coz firstly I have changed my job and secondly I don’t even wish to work there.

I have a friend circle here both Indian and Local people, my husband if i m not being too harsh doesn’t have any friend circle at all. He usually hangs out with my friends and the local ones he always tries to make fun of.

He says he is fed up of this country and when i ask him which is the perfect country for him then he has no answer. I simply don’t understand sometimes what he wants out of his life. Ours was a love marriage we met here only 2 years back and got married last year but i feel i have not known him enough even now, nor does he know me.

I have advised him time and again whatever the situation, we would face it together; and we can still stay together even if he doesn’t have a project here or a job he desires or even study masters (which he always wanted) but it’s all unacceptable for him. He says he can’t live on my money. Yes, till now i used to think its all OUR money that we earn but suddenly it has become my money. He is ready to go back and live with his beloved family. I no longer form his family coz i still have my maiden name.

I never get such hypocrisy and idiocy citing the excuse of so called Indian culture and customs. F**k the rules that states this and f**k the people who abide by those. (sorry for my language but i don’t know how to control my anger right now).

There are  innumerable reasons to fight and argue over the same rules but only one reason to stay together love and respect for each other  and i prefer the latter one coz i still want to support my decision of getting married to him. The only thing i need now is how to do that. I need your help.

2.

Dear IHM,

Thanx for your response. All this time i tried to talk to him and ask his views about marriage and the reason why he got married to me.

I kind of understand that he is going through professional turmoil. He works with similar Indian minded people who kind of make fun of him now that he will not be having any project and his wife will be working. He will have to apply for a dependent visa if things turns out good. I try to pacify him and make him understand that this is just temporary and people will always have something to say no matter what you do.

He loves me a lot i know and also listens to me sometimes but he himself confessed to me lately that he feels he is a deterrant in my progress. If he continues to be with me I will not achieve what i deserve which i feel is not correct. I draw alot of strength from his support and love as well that’s the very reason i married him.

I like to go out, try out new things meet a lot of different people but he has become more reserved and demotivated now. He wants to achieve big things in  life but even he doesn’t know where to start.

I have somehow convinced him to stay here and fight until he gets something but looking at the situation i also fear…  till what time am i going to support him (mentally) to fight and struggle to stay here?

One thing i know for sure that if we stay separate even for a few months our relationship will not survive. I know him he is very possessive about me.

- I need your help

What I shot over the weekend :)

Streaked Throated Woodpecker – pecking for food in the rain.

Bar Tailed Tree Creeper: It crawled on the tree trunk like a lizard, almost invisible, and then disappeared here.
Rock Bunting.

Rock Bunting

Himalayan Bulbul

Russet Sparrow, male, in the rain.

A closer look at the Russet Sparrow

Black Hooded Oriole I think... wish the shot was not so blurry. Don’t miss the rain drops!

UPDATED:  Scarlet Minivet Female, Thank You Sangeeta Khanna

Another look,

Great Tit

Russet Sparrow – female? Looking for nesting material in the rain?

Verditer Flycatcher

Little Pied Flycatcher – Male

Ficedulla westermanni. 

Another out of focus shot…

And this is what Brat Three captured

A brat by any other name :)

A blogging friend I have never met before is visiting, and after an early dinner with Brat Three, the two bloggers move to the sofa and are in a heated discussion, where we wholeheartedly agree with each other.

The twenty year old Brat Two has just got back from his jog and glances in the general direction of the dining table to see what’s there for dinner. Brat Three who is busy squeezing out the entire bottle of chocolate syrup on her bowl of strawberry ice cream is heard warning him, “First finish your dinner.”

Reminded me of these and many other such conversations,

What’s wrong with paalak paranthas?

To read and smile when I am 64.

‘If you don’t mutter under your breath “I hate you” atleast once in your life, I am not doing my job properly.’

What do you think of this promise? 
The words go:

“For as long as I live I will always be your parent first and your friend second. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare, and hunt you down like a bloodhound when I have to, because I love you. When you understand that, I know you will have become a responsible adult. You will never find anyone else in your life who loves, cares, prays and worries for you more than I do. If you don’t mutter under your breath “I hate you” atleast once in your life, I am not doing my job properly.”

Shared by Ashwathy this with this message:

“I understand the sentiment behind the message, but I am not sure that “tone” is necessary. You do not necessarily have to be a child’s worst nightmare and drive him/her insane to be a good parent. I felt this message is over rated.

But then I am not a parent. So I could be having mistaken notions.

My parents used to drive me insane at different points in my life, and I didn’t particularly enjoy it. Nor do I understand why they were so, even now, when I am an adult. I prefer to remember my grandfather who was my friend and gave me a free rein. It didn’t mean I took him for granted, the respect always remains.

It’s about a certain style of parenting I guess.”

What do you think?

Related Posts:

So what do our children owe us?

Hey IHM, I love your blog. But all the horrible news is making me a misanthrope…

Sharing an email from a nineteen year old, Cautiously Optimistic. What would you say to reassure her? My response in italics.

Hey IHM,

I love your blog. But all the horrible news is making me a misanthrope. I feel like even though my parents are wonderful, some day, it’ll come time for me to get married, and I’ll wind up in a family that won’t care for me, my dreams, and my aspirations.

IHM: The ‘time to get married’ is when one meets the right person. If somebody does not respect a partner’s dreams and aspirations, then are they the right partner? 

What do you think should a girl be willing to give up to get married and stay married?

Cautiously Optimistic: I feel like the good men are few and far apart, and the scary part is that it looks like it’s true. 

IHM: Finding ‘the good men’ is made easier if one does not exclude those who make lesser money, are younger or are from a different caste/community/religion etc; basically when one is not looking for a Protector and Provider but for a life partner who has his own dreams and aspirations, and who wants a life partner, and not a mother of his male heirs or a daughter in law and care giver for his parents and extended family. Such a person would also see himself as a responsible adult, not as a Shravan Kumar.

Cautiously Optimistic: I’m afraid that when the time comes, I won’t have the courage to stand up for myself, for what I want, and I’ll wind up being a doormat.

IHM: An awareness of one’s rights and responsibilities, and what is non-negotiable, understanding personal boundaries and understanding how abuse begins [How Abuse Begins] is empowering.  

Also, relationships that don’t work out are an indication that one was empowered enough to walk out (please note our grand mothers did not have this option). It’s okay to make ’wrong’ choices and it’s okay to try again. There are no guarantees, but knowing there are other options is reassuring. 

Cautiously Optimistic: My parents share my fears. That’s the even more depressing part. I know I should be happy that me and my sister have such a wonderful safety net, should something in the future go wrong, but even so, I’m scared. I’m scared that because of misogyny and sexism, I’ll never find love. I turn 19 today. I have a loooong way to go. But even so, I’m scared. All I can do right now is concentrate on my studies and work hard. I know it seems a bit demanding, but a little bit of reassurance would be nice every once in a while that my life won’t turn out that way. Well, at the end of the day, my life is what I make of it, but what can I make of it when I’m a coward? How can I find it in me to be brave? I know it’s not what people conventionally ask, but I figured I’d ask it anyway. I can’t be alone.

- Cautiously Optimistic

IHM: Being honest and facing the fact that misogyny exists and refusing to be a foot soldier of Patriarchy, and watching other men and women do the same can be reassuring I think.

Having a voice is empowering. We have come a long way from being too afraid to raise such questions.

Related Posts:

So what could make even the average, selfish, money-minded Indian family welcome baby girls?

A detailed check list of conditions from modern young women of marriageable age.
An email: “The relatives seemed to be offering ‘condolences’ for me to my mother, having the misfortune of having an ‘unmarried’ daughter…”

What good is being liberal or modern if your daughter gets divorced in the first year of the marriage?

What worries me is, will we be able to find guys who have a similar thinking process?

How Abuse Begins. - Desi Girl

Does loving someone mean we should ‘improve’ them?

Is your relationship healthy?

“Only thing I can can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with a burnt face”

Sharing an email.

Like Suja Jones in the previous post, this email writer also says she can understand why Indian women are driven to take their own lives. 
Do we have clear laws against forced marriages? What are the options open to young Indian women who are being forcibly ‘married off’, while they are still dependent on their parents? 

This email was in sms lingo, I have translated most of it, made no other changes.

Subject: Is my fate sealed too?? I dnt want it to be… Help me

Dear kalpana chawla… I have always imagined you in the stars and spoken to you when ever I was in distress. I made you my role model long long back. I also promised you that i would fulfill every dream of mine like you did. When ever there was a talk at home “You are a girl dont do this don’t do that ( girls are tagged khandan ki izzat rite???) ” I remembered your story where you convinced your parents and went all the way to america to achieve your goals. I thought even mine would understand my goals and I would have my life as mine completely..

Bt it all turns out to be wrong. I have just completed my studies and not even started a job in which I wish to excel and there is the famous “Marriage Talk”. When I said that I don’t want to marry and, I want to achieve something in life, today there are people coming to see me and that’s done without my knowledge. If they ask me I will say no so they are saying just a few relatives are coming. But I’m not a fool I know what it is all.

I have decided that I won’t marry. I understand y girls commit suicide or run away from homes now.. I can’t waste my life for people who don’t even care about my dreams. Don’t want to run away and create an impression on my relatives that studies spoil a girl. Only thing i can thing I can think of now is to take a spoon of boiling oil and put on my cheeks. I will see then who marries a girl with burnt face… Cant think of any other alternative.

IHM I felt the bloggers in your site understand what it is to be a girl and dream big too. Some one has to stop these old methods if the level of women must improve. I will fulfill my dreams but i don’t know how to get Rid of this marriage talk. My male friends are sure that my fate is sealed lik any other girl’s and I will never achieve anything. My female friends can’t think beyond marriage and having kids and settling down. Your blogs give me relief and i feel there r ppl who think lik me. Plz help me on tis. I need suggestions. We need to change ourselves to b d change in world. I hav decided to change. Help me out.

- Help me.

Links to news related to Forced Marriages:

1. Minor resists marriage, gets father arrested in Odisha

Bhubaneswar : The 16-year-old’s marriage was fixed after she failed in the Class 10 examination. The family even performed an engagement ceremony despite her protest.

2. Rajasthan girl says she’s under threat to accept her child marriage

Jodhpur :  A 20-year-old girl has sought protection by the Rajasthan authorities from members of a village community council who, she says, are threatening her with serious consequences if she did not accept her childhood marriage, officials said on Monday.

3. Girl goes to police against father

Jaipur : A 15-year-old girl has complained against her father in Rajasthan saying he was forcing her to marry an elderly person, police said on Monday.

The Class 10 student told police that her father was trying to fix her marriage by chargingRs.35,000 from the would be in laws.

4. Forced marriage to become crime in UK

London : Forcing someone to marry against their will; a practice often reported from communities in Britain with origins in the Indian sub-continent,  will soon become a criminal offence, Premier David Cameron announced on Friday, comparing it with “slavery”…. Most cases involve individuals with origins in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh.

Related Posts:

Early and arranged marriages within the community prevent social ills.

Parents should choose the boy for a girl aged below 21, as it is they who bear the brunt of an unsuccessful marriage – Karnataka HC

Why is abuse by parents taken so lightly by Indians?

The powers that Indian parents have over their children’s lives and choices.

‘In our families, we don’t take this kind of thing outside,’

“He made bobo on my zheezhee (hurt my genitals).”
“He put something filthy in my mouth.”
“This is a nice uncle” (looking at a photo of a movie star) “Will he do bobo to me too?”
“I should have heard, I should have known,” says her mother, “…the fog of denial was just so strong.” (says the mother)

According to the medical examinations, the three year old had been a victim of ongoing sexual abuse, rape, sodomy. According to the chargesheet prepared by the Bangalore police, the perpetrator is Isabel’s father, Pascal Mazurier.

But.

They (the police) …accused her of media hunger and racism against the French, and demanded she reveal if she had been abused as a child. “I can’t decide if the police are antagonistic or only insensitive,” she says, “…whether they have been bribed, or if this is just the way they are with everyone.”

…

“It is now easy for me to understand why women do not come out when such things happen in their homes,” says Jones, “why women in these situations are driven to take their own lives.”

And we have heard this before,

“Somehow,” she says, “he didn’t fit my image of an abusive husband. He always used to say he was so sorry, and otherwise he was wonderful.”

…

“I made myself quite small in our marriage,” she says, “I thought he was amazing and I was nobody. I let him decide things, even things like who the children could or could not play with. It was subtle, but he was the boss.”

***

Click below to read the article,

“If a woman gets raped, it is her fault, if a girl gets raped, it is the mother’s fault”  

Link shared by Sandhya with this message,

Hi IHM,

Not sure if you have read this. It is about the French Consulate Employee accused of raping his 3 yr old daughter. The mother, Suja Jones, shares the trauma she went through and going through after she had her husband arrested, who is now on bail I suppose. She tells how she receives death threats, her inlaws accuse her of having ‘dirty, obese children’ who are not cared for. She is described as a ‘party animal’. She is supposed to have accused her husband for all this because she did not want to join him on his assignment in Cape Town. A fake facebook page has been opened in her name to defame her. She is now struggling financially. She is finding to difficult to find a house to rent. Thankfully the little girl is coping well. God bless her. Now what I find a bit disturbing is Suja Jones says “If a woman gets raped, it is her fault, if a girl gets raped, it is the mother’s fault”. Neither the woman nor the girl can be blamed. It is the rapist’s fault. I was wondering is this the very mindset of our people that results in victim blaming? Why is rape considered a ‘fault’?

Sandhya