Ruchi’s mother in law tells her that the matar paneer she cooked was good. Ruchi smiles.
Speaking slowly and dramatically Ruchi’s husband confesses that he had something to tell her, which he should have told her earlier…
What’s he going to tell her? 
My sister watching with me wondered if he would confess that he cooked the meal. That would have been great. But no such hopes. He tells his wife she cooks better than his mother.
Their little girl witnesses this most important moment in her mother’s life – her cooking skills being acknowledged by her father, as being better than her grandmother’s. I am sure this is just one of her many lessons in social conditioning.
One must appreciate a good meal. Cooking is an important skill– all men and women should be able to feed themselves.
But this man never really gave her a compliment; he simply made an unnecessary comparison and attempted to start a competition of which he made himself the judge. They must now go all out to impress him.
He might next judge the best gajar ka halwa, the whitest shirt, the cleanest bathrooms, and who accepts the challenge of keeping his heart safe with Safola Gold. 
He seems to believe that their happiness depends on who he thinks is a good cook the better cook. What else do these women live for?
He takes it for granted that these family members will continue to wish to live in the same house and compete for his compliments.
He will think it’s radical to suggest that the Joint Family system is biased in favour of some citizens.
But he will understand why some of those who support the tradition of Joint Family, do not like to live in joint families if they have to live with their wife’s families.
Nita commented on Smitha’s blog about how she chose to read blogs over responding to every comment on her posts, because there just isn’t time to do everything one wants to do.
I have wondered about this too. I remembered Nita’s poll last year – and decided to try the same to find some answers.
Your vote remains anonymous as WordPress does not give out the IP addresses of those who vote.
What do you like to read on this blog?
Two commenters pointed out last week that I was updating too often. So how much is enough, and when does it become too much? Please choose one option.
I like reading blogs – it’s like hearing the opinions of many people, but I miss some interesting blog updates while hopping from Google Reader to Readomattic to the Blogroll on my Blogger blog. I wonder how others keep track of all the blogs they like to read.
And how do you read this blog?
Why do you read this blog?
Thank You!
If you do not hate comments (and readers),
1.Disable word verification, make it easier (and sometimes possible) for a reader to comment 
2. Make it easier for a reader to reach your blog, add blog url to email and twitter profiles.
3. Don’t forget to fill in your blog url (mine is http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/) while commenting on WordPress blogs. (Generally required only once).
4. Leave url-foot prints for readers to follow.
Could it be simpler?
Edited to add: I would like to thank Suranga for creating this badge, we can use this with a change of name whenever this happens to any other blogger -
'Hall Of Shame'- Badge by Suranga.
This morning Dreamer tweeted to inform that my blog was being duplicated here. Horrified, I sent tweets to all friends and to the Blogadda team…
And was overwhelmed by the support… (No words will be enough here – let me just say thanks!)
Saritha has faced this very recently… 
( Just days before Shah Rukh Khan’s Bday too )
Chandni who faced this and has successfully got a culprit to take the site down, suggested a post.
Although it’s Shah Rukh Khan’s birthday, Solilo tweeted a link to Copyscape. One click took me to the pages of Shet AlShah…
Since every single post was being duplicated, I wanted to make a prediction about their next post. Crafty Shines thought that was err… wicked! (Read her post below to see who is wicked!)
Solilo Don suggested flowers, Harish K called it Gandhi Giri, Smitha P thought it would be a seriously fun post.
So Gandhi Giri it is!
Shet AlShah
This is to advise you that the entire content by Indian Homemaking at http://www.shetalshah.com/menu/indian-homemaking/ is originally from my blog called ‘The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker’ at http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/. This is original content and I am the author and copyright holder.
Please remove the plagiarized material immediately.
If you don’t believe in Gandhi Giri…
Mandira’s post – ‘Plagiarism at it’s very best’ 
Crafty Shines post- Plagiarists Beware. 
Minal’s post – ‘Down with plagiarism‘
I have been receiving email links that accuse Indian women of dereliction of duty, when they marry men from other faiths. Indian women are solely responsible for the honour of all Indian religions and cultures so these accusations are not new.
Love Jehad [Do read this link] should not become another tool to control women. As an adult, a woman should remain free to marry anyone from any religion. And if she chooses to, let her convert.
But my personal opinion is that love and marriage should not require either of the partners to stop being who they really are… simply because they can’t.
1. I feel one should not need to convert to a partner’s religion.
2. I feel one should not need to change names or surnames. It is inconvenient and unnecessary, but even if it was convenient, it’s based on the principal of ownership of another human. So the very premise, in my opinion, is wrong.
3. I feel one should not need to change feelings towards one’s own parents and family. Unfortunately girls are sometimes expected to do this; especially in joint families… Marriage should add to your life, not take away from it.
4. Friends and family are a support system, nobody should be asked to give them up. Also isolation of the victim is common in cases of Domestic Violence. (Now, the Domestic Violence Act has made it an offence to stop a woman from meeting her family).
5. One should not need to change one’s Personality. For example, no extrovert should be asked to become an introvert. That’s controlling.
Everybody, including women, must have some interests of their own, and some me-time, so if she is asked to stop interacting with the world (to protect her!), she better watch. Insecurity and mistrust are not good signs. And…
6. Trust must include faith in and respect for her judgement. Giving in to the spouse’s unreasonable wishes does not improve a relationship. Such controlling might be the beginning of Domestic Violence – verbal or physical.
7. The woman should be trusted to decide how she must dress, and not her husband’s grandmother’s cousin’s daughter’s brother in law.
Do you think we should need to change ourselves for love or marriage? And how much? Is it true that we can find happiness in our partner’s happiness (after the first few months of a relationship), or do we need our own happiness too?
If I ever made a movie, it would be like Tamanna.
A hijra (eunuch) finds a baby girl in a garbage bin and brings her up as his own. Paresh Rawal as a hijra is an endearingly helpless parent. The discarded infant (Pooja Bhatt) is a rich industrialist’s third unwanted daughter. The mother was told that the babies were still born.
*So there’s a poor hijra who makes a courageous, huggable parent.
*And there’s a hitman who won’t take supari assignments while his daughter has fever.
*And then there is a violent, wealthy, wife beating man who gets his three daughters killed.
I just finished watching the entire movie on 13 You Tube videos [here]
The lyrics in this trailer are beautiful… “Ghar se masjid hai bahut door, chalo yoon karlen, kisi rote hue bachche ko hansaya jaye…” (Masjid is very far from home, so let’s do this; Let’s bring a smile on the face of a crying baby…)
If you were to make a movie …just one in an entire lifetime, what would it be like?
A friend said we are more violent today than we were in earlier times. I am not sure I agree. I feel violence was part of daily life in the past.
We had wars, riots, rapes, murders, suicides, dacoits, thefts, domestic violence, human trafficking, bonded labour, child labour, girl-child-killing, honour killings, highway thugs and more. But many of these were not considered crimes in the past.
We didn’t think much of the endless wars between hundreds of kings and their step brothers whose armed men demanded extortion money or food grain from impoverished farmers (they called it tax).
Their rivals were locked in dungeons, till the next coup. Craftsmen and artists were also thrown in dungeons, forced to create art work on the stone walls, some went mad. There are stories of how the tongues and hands of the artisans who worked for twenty years to create the Taj Mahal were cut off to ensure a monument better than the Taj was not created
Official punishments included crushing under elephants, pushing off cliffs, flogging, maiming, blinding and drowning. This is unimaginable today, though *beeped* etc might wish otherwise.
There were coups (Tintin style) where every new leader killed, raped or married the last leader’s family, only solution our peace loving minds could come up with was to burn the widows/women (and leave the orphaned children at the invaders mercy?)
We had bonded labour and little children instead of being educated were married off and sent to live with families that made them work like bonded labour (and asked them to believe their happiness lay in sacrifice and service.)
It was not seen as wrong that children could be tied up, beaten, locked up in dark rooms, starved, kicked at, threatened and kept in fear, or beaten black and blue. I know of a child whose father was so burdened with miseries of life that he threw the child from a height, I am told the boy became ‘slow’ because of that fall.
Neglect is still not recognised, as an abuse. It is understood that between a weak boy baby and a healthy girl child, the boy has stronger chances of surviving. To me death by neglect seems the cruellest, because the parents can watch this little person die a slow death.
But then we sell our babies, mostly girls, but if there are enough of them, then boys also. In 1991 fifteen little boys were rescued, they were being sold for camel races to the Middle East– Prince Charles also watched those races (now banned), so cruelty has no race, religion or nation.
Devdasis were minor girls given by the parents to temples, to work as sex workers. This had religious and royal sanction. Paedophiles are jailed today.
If the family was doing it, then being pushed and kicked on the stomach, endless criticism, abandoning and killing were not seen as a criminal offence until recently.
In recent past it was normal (and legal?) for brothers to beat their sisters if suspected of as much as looking at a boy and it was acceptable that the same brothers may have mistresses.
If a girl was kidnapped and managed to escape and come back home, it was accepted that she had to be sent back. (But the same family could accept her earnings).
Suicide was an accepted, even honourable option for women in many kinds of distresses.
Life of the differently abled was hell. They were laughed at, beaten, given no opportunity to learn, risked sexual abuse and abandonment and some were even kept isolated and locked. I met someone yesterday who has a 34 year old sister with a mind of a five year old. When her educated brother beat her, the mother asked him ‘not to hit on the stomach’. She said when she was young, her brother could slap her too, now he ‘takes out his frustrations on his wife.’ In the past this would not have been much of an embarrassment to the family.
We tolerated a lot more violence than we do today. We bullied everybody we could. We discouraged thinking, discussion or questioning, we valued obedience. When we had no answers we used custom and tradition to get our way.
Seeing that we see many of these forms of violence as crimes today, I think we can hope to leave foundations for a more civilised society for our kids.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
A girl who we looked up to in college, got married (arranged marriage) to a charming man who gifted her her favourite car on their wedding day. Then we heard she had come back home within days because he was violent. Her parents were supportive. She was divorcing him.
This became a topic of discussion. One voice insisted, “A man might lose his cool sometimes! Why is nobody asking what she had done to make him so angry?”
We had wondered if this voice had seen domestic violence at home, because he also said an occasional slap was not Domestic Violence.
A close friend walked out of her arranged marriage to escape an occasional slap. The rest of the time the constant threat of verbal and physical violence made her feel she was going to lose her mental equilibrium.
She was lucky.
Girls are generally sent back. They are told a known devil is better than an unknown one. The alternative of living a life without any devils – known or unknown, is ignored.
The victim’s parents advise her to change, to ‘improve’, to win the abuser over with love and sacrifice! But the commonly recommended tact and sacrifice do not help, because the abuser needs expert guidance, not a compliant partner.
Domestic Violence is not about the victim’s imperfections; it’s about an abuser’s complexes and his wish to control. In many cases the abuser aims to put down a better looking, more successful or more social partner.
A popular Indian women’s magazine reminds the victim that it is better to bear some abuse from a husband than to leave him and be forced to work and tolerate abuse by one’s boss and colleagues! Even if this was to be taken seriously, does one assume that only nonworking women are battered? The most visible victim, a domestic helper is a working woman.
The violence continues lifelong. One man threw out his 60 year old wife in her night clothes, and she sat outside praying nobody sees her. (‘God of Small Things’ discusses such a case). She knew he would take her in the next morning, in time for his morning tea.
My maids have grown up with domestic violence. More than one has wished, (in a very matter of fact voice) that their husband would die.
Why not leave him then? Because anybody who has seen their lives closely would know that the man would follow, as a Right, and the society will watch them being battered in public, to retrieve his manly pride and position. So they would rather he died than they walk out.
I made them watch this Bell Bajao video. The look on their faces brought a lump to my throat. I don’t think they had ever been told categorically that Domestic Violence is not their fault. Such videos can change social attitudes.
Although there is social acceptance of domestic violence, there is still shame attached to it. If the neighbours have heard the noises, then it must be shown as a one odd case.
We went on a trip with another family once, and I heard them argue in the next room and then she screamed terribly, I wanted to rush and help and then I heard her beg him to stop or else we would hear. She suspected we heard and casually brought up the topic of how all couples had fights and how she would never believe a couple did not fight.
Was she fooling herself or did she believe that this violence was a normal fight? She showed me marks of a bangle pressed into skin and a burn mark, she said (I didn’t ask… but I feel she needed to share.) she was ironing and the hot iron fell on her hand.
I casually talked of women who had escaped abusive relationships because they realised the violence was never going to end.
This was the closest I came to witnessing Domestic Violence and what shook me was that the couple had looked so normal (i.e. happy). They had played antakshari and dumb charades with us… and she was a bubbly extrovert, he was quiet, almost silent.
Another man had tender spells. He spoon-fed her when the violent fits were over and he gently explained to her that if she would only be a little organised/neater/more cheerful/better cook etc he would never need to lose his temper. (‘My Feudal Lord’ describes this kind too.)
Victims might feel that violence can be controlled with compliance. The fact is that most of the times the abuser is known for being ‘short tempered’, impatient, unpredictable and even a ‘perfectionist’ by those who know him well. (To outsiders he might appear quite sane.)
The worst and most debilitating is the Stockholm Syndrome.
Along with a new definition for Joru Ka Gulam [click] we had also requested for contributions for the JKG Badge Contest [click]. We received nine entries. JKG Kislay, our Honor’ble Judge had no hope for mutton biryani (or any bribe in any other form) because we went out of our way to hide all the names from him (except one).
So please treat him now!!
And please don’t forget to mention which one is your favorite and most suitable for Reader’s Choice Award.
1.
This badge created by Aritra Chatterjee has been chosen by our honor’ble judge, HRE JKG Kislay Chandra, as the ‘Official JKG Badge’.
2.
By Freya.
JKG Kislay also loved this badge and declared it the second official JKG Badge.
3.
This badge by Solilo Don is his third choice
When a man says “I make hot rotis for my wife.”, he might find himself being called a Joru Ka Gulam.
4.
By Freya again
This is the coolest looking badge for a sidebar!!
5.
By Homecooked.
Homecooked created this cute looking badge. Traditionally any man who shows affection to his wife is labelled a Joru Ka Gulam.
6.
By Vikas Gupta.
Is chosen by JKG Kislay for
JUDGES’ SPECIAL MENTION AWARD
Vikas’s Entry Number 3 touches upon the expectation that a woman must change her surname to her husband’s when she is married A man is not expected to make any changes to his name though. Any man who does not insist upon this surname changing (sometimes even the first name is changed) risks being labelled a Joru Ka Gulam.
7.
This one is by Freya, thank you for calling him JKG-IN-CHIEF Freya
He’s extremely popular amongst women, not just because he is considered hot but because he has changed the way Bollywood husbands spoke of their wives i.e. NEVER!
SRK is not a super star for nothing. He is a feminist and he is not apologetic about it. I have blogged about this here and here.
8.
This badge by Freya emphasises the belief we have that some chores are too lowly for men (so women should do them).
It’s often the mothers and even wives who object to men doing these chores. So if a man says he doesn’t mind doing the dishes, there’s horror and embarrassment for the wife, “Did she actually let him do the dishes!!!”
When he says he loves doing the dishes?
… scandal.
9.
This badge is also created by Freya … thank you for your contributions Freya!
It’s expected of women to be devoted and ‘obedient’ to their husbands, if a man as much as shows affection he is declared henpecked. The best answer to any such labelling is to wear it with pride.
Which one did you like the best?! Please choose which badge deserves the Reader’s Choice Award!
In JORU KA GULAM Contest we asked for a new definition for a Joru Ka Gulam, (who in reality is a man who dares to fight against gender injustice).
There were14 entries [Read them here] and the winners have been chosen by voting.
And the winners are…
1st
Entry Number 5 by Tearsndreams got an overwhelming support from women. 11 votes for first place came entirely from women voters. 7 votes for second place came both from men and women.
I think this is the kind of man women admire. Guys please take note
2nd
Today an unmarried man be a JKG too.
Entry Number 1 by Sakshi got 8 votes – the 26 JKGs in this post made many young voters proud and emotional. The courage of each one of them is an inspiration for the young Indian male today.
3rd
Entry Number 3 by Vikas Gupta, I disagree when he suggests,
“In the slavery of his woman lies his freedom, emancipation and salvation.”
“..is often tied to his wife’s apron strings and not to his mother’s.”
“He loves what she loves and dislikes what she hates.”
But it seems many young men agree with him! This entry got 7 votes, and many of these came from young, unmarried men, including one that chose only one entry.
And finally Hitchwriter (Entry Number 4), Indy’s husband (Entry Number 11) and Sakshi’s 26 cousins (Entry Number 1) are being declared JKGs!
Their gorgeous, prize winning badges follow in the next post!
Here are some other opinions, guys be brave there’s some criticism too.
“Two contenders for 1st position- 10th and 9th entries.
Definition given by 10th is precise, to the point and bang on. 9th comes very close to this one. They talk of being fair, logical and rational. Having guts to stand up for, encourage and appreciate the wife besides helping and taking care of her. So these two are winning entries according to me.
***
2nd best is 4th entry.
… this definition is great because it talks about equality, accepting and apologizing for mistakes.”
***
Please permit a non Indian to take part in this contest.
Years ago, in London, I visited an exhibition named “You ‘ ve come a long way, baby”. It was dedicated to the emancipation of women in the U.K, to their efforts for suffrage etc.I think that your blog deserves this title.
Indian women-as all women- deserve recognition, respect, right to higher education, right to self determination, to independence. I suppose Indian society is ready accept this kind of woman, who can live with dignity either with her loving JKG or without him…
***
“2nd: Entry no. 3
talks about the JKG being not only a tough guy but also the friend every woman needs. (Do they exist?)
***
Elaborations for JKG given by 13 are great…”
***
“1st : Entry no. 5.
For this entry talks about equality even when the woman has lost hopes. Kudos .”
***
“Entry no.8 because it sounds so genuine! So much said in so few a words..”
***
“III – Entry no.13- A true JKG is one who believes in challenging social conditions, believes in equality not just after marriage but who lives by them even before his marriage.”
***
Entry 14 makes a very valid point when she/he says – “So, I feel a JKG should be anyone who challenges the social conditioning he is brought up with.
That and the fact that the man stands up and supports his wife because he knows and acknowledges his wife is right and his parents are wrong.
***
“I just love entry no 5….beautiful words and thoughts. Isn’t this all we want in the man we love? I am not one of those who think if my husband does all the household chores he can be the best JKG. I would rather like JKG’s who can encourage their wives at every phase of life to do things they want and brim up their confidence.”
***
“My first choice is entry number 11 for the simple reason that its about a real person.”
***
“2 – Entry No. 11 (Totally epitomises my husband 
“
***
1. Entry Number 3 “I strongly believe there is no match to this JKG ”
***
1. Entry Number 1. (i just loved it)
***
“My ranking would be entry 5, then 9 and then 11. And I may not be JKG today but I will be back one day to claim the gold,silver and the bronze.”
***
Position 1 – Entry 4 – ‘A JKG would be some one who would treat himself and his wife EQUALLY.’
***
“I would go for Entry – 10 for first place, because it is very general definition I agree with. The other entries were making rules for a man to be a JKG, which in my opinion is not right.”
***
I would go for Entry No 11 and 12 for the second place, because I like both of them equally. I don’t really consider anything for the third place.
***
“I had a hard time after reading all the entries, but I loved #3 the best. I think it covered a lot of relevant points I can relate to.”
***
“Entry No 2 is not in english….so i think you should translate…”
***
“I like almost all entries…still, competition is competition, one has to lose for the other to win (watching too many reality shows, esp. saregamapa!) 5, 12 and 4!”
***
12th entry is my choice for the second one
Loved the way it is written Very practical approach!
***
“2, 6, 13 in that order(1, 2, and 3)”
***
“2nd – Entry No. 11. ( I kinda can relate to it..)
3rd – Entry No. 10 ( short and sweet )”
***
Position 1 – Entry 4 – ‘A JKG would be some one who would treat himself and his wife EQUALLY.’
Position 2 – Entry 1 – ‘So to me a JKG is one who is not scared to stand up and willing to break all religious customs – just to hear a bubbling joy bursting out through the phone, to see a smile on their beloved sister’s face and bear all the anger and brunt from a society who is conditioned to keep a woman away from choosing her own life’
Position 2 – Entry 14. I think it makes a lot of sense to me. Some one who can question the social conditioning that he is brought up with, is more likely to be a true liberal and a real respecter of women.
It was tough deciding, IHM. I really liked Entry No. 7 too.. If I had a 4th option – it would be 7..
***
My vote for Entry no. 3 . And who wrote it , please ?
***
I liked the Hindi lines. (Entry number 2)
***
Hmm… all the above entries were a little too unrealistic, in my opinion. You talk of women being “conditioned” since birth and the husband must make her overcome that conditioning. How about the guy? Even he has been “conditioned” since childhood. He also needs help to overcome that conditioning. Isn’t it?
I feel what is important is a man should understand a woman’s wants and needs. He should respect her decisions, even if he doesn’t always understand them.
(Like not wanting to change her surname). He may not like it(because of social conditioning) but, he accepts it.
It is a long processes of unlearning and relearning. A man can be a JKG when a woman stands up for herself. We can’t put the whole pressure on the man alone.
***
JKG Badges in the next post!!!
