‘He has not returned the child for 2 months now. He has sent legal notice and can’t be reached over phone.’

Sharing an email. 

Dear IHM,
Please publish this in your blog. I need HELP!!

I am 30 female married for 8 years and have a kid of 4 years.
My husband and I Lived with our child  in UK until 3 months back.
I came down to India with my child with an intention to stay back as I see it living in a UK a  good option for me. Getting back to India itself was an ordeal as my husband was quite sure I would not return.

My family members convinced him to let me stay in India but he wanted the child to remain with him/his mother during my stay with my mom. He thinks his daughter is safe in my mom’s house.

We were against it.

He came to my place in India and took way my daughter promising to return after few days as he wanted to apply for some British visa formalities.

He has not returned the child for 2 months now. He has sent legal notice and he and his parents are not to be reached over phone.
He wants our daughter to be with his parents for her schooling until he returns from UK. I am not going to my in-laws place.

I have to fight in court for my baby but I fear it may take long time before I see her and I am losing strength day by day.

Can I get any other means I can reach my child. My husband has not disclosed the address/ location but I know the city where my child is.
As this is interstate, the police have been dormant in our attempts so far.how much time does hcp petition take?

Please HELP to reach my child as early as possible.

When a crime is a punishment or a lesson taught to the victim.

Sharing a guest post by PD.

Do the circumstances of a rape matter?

I  live in the UK, currently there is a lot of discussion regarding this rape case – Predatory soccer stars, a drunken girl and a very seedy night at the Premier Inn: RICHARD PENDLEBURY revisits the disturbing events that led to the rape trial of Ched Evans [link].

There is additional controversy because of comments made by a female presenter who suggested that the punishment given to this football player was sufficient because although the attack was ‘unpleasant’, his victim was very drunk (thereby justifying the attack).

Ironically,  this presenter and her daughter have now in turn been threatened with rape by trolls on her Twitter page (Rape threat to Judy’s daughter: Richard Madeley to call in police after Twitter trolls’ vile attacks on Chloe)

[IHM: This. Rape is seen as a punishment or a lesson for women. Almost anything a woman does can be used to justify this 'punishment'. The presenter here, being a woman,  is being viewed as deserving of this punishment. The threats too are meant to be 'insulting' and are meant to be viewed as 'punishments'.] 

Something has been bugging me about this case and the subsequent furore caused by the various opinions expressed.

1. Do the circumstances of a rape matter? The end result is the same,  a woman is violated against her will.  It’s almost like saying some forms of abuse are worse than others or some murders are worse than others.

2. Regardless of the the circumstances or whose fault it was,  these two men went out that night looking for a girl to take back to their hotel.  They came across a girl who could barely stand straight and decided to take her back to the hotel despite knowing that she was in no fit state to give consent (if it was given at all in the first place). The is something very creepy about sober men picking up drunk girls for the sole purpose of intercourse and then justifying their actions by placing the blame firmly on the girl’s shoulders.

3. Putting myself in the girls’ shoes, it was indeed very reckless of her to go out on her own,  getting so drunk that she could barely stand and not making provisions to make it back home safely. Being an overly cautious person by nature,  this is something I would never do and it’s hard for me to understand why she would put herself in such a situation.  But does this justify what happened to her?

I’m interested to hear what your readers make of this story and the subsequent public view/backlash.

Related Posts:

What makes Men Rape?

Yet another rape that was not about lust but about aggression, revenge and putting the victim in her place.

Boys can make mistakes.

Rapist said that coming from Afghanistan meant he didn’t understand what ‘consent’ was.

“I am safe because I’m very careful in the way I behave and dress in public, on the streets.”

“Sometimes it seems like every single thing I do has the potential to be something ‘provocative’.” 

Have a Good Time in India, Sister (Gounderbrownie)

Are we trying to threaten Indian women with rapes as punishment for modernity, independence and self reliance?

“As long as the men do not understand that they CANNOT and WILL NOT get away with such behavior and criminal acts, the rape culture will not go away”

Controlling crimes against women: What works, what doesn’t work.

This is what rapists do when there is no fear of punishment.

How Victim Blaming confuses rapists, police and the society about when exactly does non-consensual-sex becomes a crime.

The rapists often don’t see their actions as crimes, the police said, and don’t expect the victims to report them.

The forensic reports ruled out rape and CBI found nothing against the four who were accused of raping and killing them.

Here’s why we need thorough investigation of every crime and why castration by violent mobs should not be seen as justice.

Remember the outrage in response to the photographs of the teenage sisters in UP, found hanging from a tree? Now, the forensic reports ruled out rape and CBI found nothing against the four who were accused of raping and killing them.

Could outraged angry mobs have done justice in this case?

The three member medical board has given their preliminary report to the CBI and the detailed report is still awaited and preliminary report of the medical board points out that the Sexual assault angle of both victims completely appears unlikely …

Read the details here: ‘Forced suicide’ twist to Badaun girl’ case

image

This is how Mob Justice works.

‘Today in a different part of India, a mob did take ‘law’ into its own hands. This mob, composed of Kannada language extremists, decided that those who don’t speak Kannada don’t deserve to be in the state of Karnataka and decided to teach them a lesson by beating them up.’ [Read more -Mob Justice: The Mob does what it decides as right. ]

Related Posts:

Mob Justice: The Mob does what it decides as right.

Delhi gangrape case: Prime accused Ram Singh commits suicide

‘Angry Mob cut off man’s sensual organ for attempting rape of a girl.’

Allahabad girl Aarti Yadav beats harasser, sets bike on fire

Do you remember this murdered couple who made a ‘dramatic reappearance’?

No second chances for an Indian daughter.

“He has decided that we will stop trying to have a child now as he wants things to improve between his mother and I.”

If we truly valued our happiness and our peace of mind more than we valued other people’s opinion of what our priorities should be – how would our lives change? 

Sharing an email.

“I will have a nervous breakdown or sink into depression.  Imagine as an Indian woman… 2nd divorce isn’t an option.”

Hello,

I would like you to post this on your website and I am looking for advice and opinions as I feel just so stuck.

I got married 7 months ago, against my better judgment I fear. This is my second marriage, I was married for 5 years previously but we didn’t have any children. It was a turbulent marriage from start to finish and I was so happy once I managed to get out of it.

I never thought I would marry again, or have children and I was happy to finally have my freedom to see my parents and friends as and when I liked. To dress as I liked to drive my career and just be me.

However, a year after I left my ex-husband I met another man who was just lovely, simple and gentle in nature. Sensitive and caring and just someone I loved being with. I had a boyfriend I was content until he started talking about marriage/wedding etc. He was ready to settle down and he thought he found what he needed in me.

I couldn’t fathom the thought, also he was from a privileged family whereas my were less well off. They were well known in their community and mix with other rich and prominent people in their community. My sisters-in-law is still single and lives at home. My father-in-law retired many years ago, and my mother-in-law is a very backward, narrow minded and traditional woman. She is impressed by superficial things namely money, be it hers or other people’s, she is easily regaled with stories of people with successful businesses. My young sister in law warned me that her mother was superficial, that she didn’t care much for the love between her son and me, and she would only be interested in what people think, about how I dress and behave.

I just fobbed this off as her being a little silly but now I am married into this family and lo and behold, it is true.

It has been a pretty bumpy 7 months. I genuinely don’t like my MIL.  She is old fashioned, narrow minded and VERY petty. She wants to tell me what to wear and when and how I should do things… there is an endless amount of unsolicited advice and criticism and snipping at every turn. I keep my mouth shut because if I don’t it would be pretty unpleasant. I have a temper but I have kept it well hidden from her, I use my husband as a sounding board and he usually understands.

So we live in a joint set up. My husband, my sister in law and mother in law and myself – we live in a big and beautiful house but it isn’t a warm and loving house. Never mind I am here now and I have to make the most of a bad situation. My husband has been troubled by the degree of distance and lack of cohesiveness between his mother and me and he has acknowledged that she is a difficult character and unfair etc (he even said before marriage that if it became unbearable living with her we would move out). It is definitely a different tune now.

She has complained to him about my room, my décor, my lighting, my blinds, my clothes, my jewellery, my personality, my behaviour, my existence essentially. She doesn’t like that I am not from their community and she doesn’t like all the clothes I chose to wear. He has complained about what people will think and that I just don’t look right to go into her society or community dressed as I do.

I should also add that we are older than the average couple; I am 36 about to be 37 and my husband is 38. He has decided that we will stop trying to have a child now as he wants things to improve between his mother and I before we start again. Until I dress and behave how she wants we won’t try for a baby. This has crushed my world and I feel more trapped and stuck than when I was in my previous marriage. I am starting to hate him, I don’t want to look at him and I have to share a bed with him every night. We no longer have long chats and giggle about nothing nor do we hug the night away like a couple in love. It feels destroyed, I feel destroyed and I don’t trust him and never will again.

He says if I do all the things he asks for to please his mother and if she still complains we will move out but this doesn’t make me happy because all I think about is that fact that he has used my greatest desire against me and he is preventing us from having a family. We have had some fertility tests and I am still fine but he has a low sperm count so we’re not even sure we’ll be able to conceive naturally.

What do I do… is it fair that our marriage be contingent on the mood and misgivings of my mother-in-law? Do I give up the dream of having a family of my own?

I desperately need advice as I feel like I will have a nervous breakdown or sink into depression.

Imagine as an Indian woman… 2nd divorce isn’t an option.

Please help, advise and guide.

Sincerely, most desperate

Related Posts:

An email: “I said I would look for second marriage with following conditions.”

When she says she no longer wishes to stay with him, why isn’t her word enough?
Are Happily Married Daughters a status symbol in India?
Feminism has gone to women’s head. Divorce has become like selling onions.
An email: My problem is quite common, but that does not make it any easier to handle.

An email from a Divorcee’s Daughter.

‘His family seems a bit traditional type.I googled “how to behave with in laws after marriage in India.’

An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law…

My husband gives me the usual ‘you have not just married me, you have married my family..’ sermon

“I don’t want such education… I want no career… I want to be loved.”

“Is this really it? the only person I’ll ever find? A sweet guy who has no interests?”

‘Angry Mob cut off man’s sensual organ for attempting rape of a girl.’

Do you think this (and similar such acts of mob violence) empower women? Maybe by putting fear of consequences into the hearts of potential rapists?

Angry Mob cut off man’s sensual organ for attempting rape of a girl

The incident took place in the Indian city Ganganagar when locals there found Suresh Kumar attempting the rape of teenager in a cornered street.

After been caught on spot, the man was dragged on streets by angry mob and then he was taken to a butcher’s shop where he was beaten with sticks for an hour.

They then hacked off his penis with a meat cleaver and dumped the remains in the middle of the road, leaving his beaten and bloody body nearby.

The group of people who did this was having a viewpoint that “It was a punishment for a sex crime – if you do it, you will be punished like this.”

I see it as a dangerous precedence.

Because if this is found acceptable then why would any criminal bother to commit a legal and social offence? Won’t they kill in similar acts of Public Outrage?

Normal, sane, civilised people and children should not be encouraged to view such acts of mob violence as ‘justice’.

Tolerance towards such acts of Mob Violence creates easy opportunities for the unscrupulous.

And also, we don’t really know what actually happened. Please note – many Indians view consensual sex outside marriage as rape. We have no concept of ‘consent’ [link]. (The age of the teenager is not mentioned, was she a minor?)

Let’s say the crowd really saw the crime take place and knew without doubt that the man was trying to sexually assault the victim and that it was quite certainly not an act of consensual sex – they should still have handed the man to the police and the survivor should have been provided counselling and support.

Was she hurt, or traumatised or blamed? How is she coping?

What we need is certainty of punishment, faster trials and support for survivors and their families. What we need to take a very strong stand against is any acts of Mob Violence.

Related Posts:

The problem is this:

What did Sharad Yadav mean by, ‘Who amongst us has not followed girls?’

‘“Why would this girl lie? After all she is taking the blame on herself”, said the police officer to the criminal infront of me.’

“… people will say we encouraged these men to follow us… even though we are innocent”

By lodging a complaint the girl would get undue publicity and that would adversely affect her marriage prospect.

And this is not the solution:

Allahabad girl Aarti Yadav beats harasser, sets bike on fire

What exactly are we fighting against? First the crime should be understood:

“I am safe because I’m very careful in the way I behave and dress in public, on the streets.”

40% of rape charges were filed by parents of girls who had eloped consensually with a boy

7 things that can make ‘Rape sometimes right’.

Forced intercourse in marriage not rape: Delhi court

Yet another rape that was not about lust but about aggression, revenge and putting the victim in her place.

Why was this radio cabbie, a rapist, not afraid of being arrested?

The only thing that will work – take the crime seriously. Which begins with understanding the crime. Who rapes? Why have they no fear? How can they be controlled?

Why should all acts of sexual harassment be taken seriously, even when there is no grievous physical injury?

Those charged with our safety should have a true understanding of what it is to be a survivor of sexual assault — slut or otherwise.

A response to: Why we think women activists should change their attitude of “wear what you like”

What makes Men Rape?

An email from a 30 year old Indian man, “Marrying a divorcee and an older woman.”

What would you say to this email writer? Should the woman being older or being divorced be the biggest concern here? 

What would your advice be? 

Dear IHM,

After a lot of thinking I decided to write my story to you and seek some advice.
I am 30 year old single guy and I come from a middle class family. My upbringing was fairly tough but manage to get good job and have been supporting my parents since I was 22. My parents have given me good value, education and everything they could get to make my life good. Today whatever I am is because of my parents and I am really thankful to them for all that.
I am a very reserved guy never really had any female cousins or friends and never interacted with any girls in school or college (studied in boys only school). I always thought first I need to get good job, start earning and then think of relationship. Also how do we guys get a chance in this conservative, Indian middle class society? Settling abroad was always my dream and by god’s grace, I did manage to move to US.
While working in my initial job in India when I was 22, I met this girl who became my best friend. She was five years older to me. She was married and looked as though well settled in life.
I later got to know from someone else that she had applied for divorce. We use to catch up on weekends for some classes and she used to tell me that she is just out of divorce and didn’t know what her future was and so on. Without knowing I had developed some sort of affection towards her but obviously the age difference and not knowing where things might end up in our conservative Indian society, I never really told her I liked her.
Just before I moved abroad, we and few of our good friends went on a trip and we caught up with some of her old school friends. One guy in that lot was apparently her ex from school days and was already married with a kid (Lets call him Mr. ex school friend). I noticed that she was very close to him throughout this trip and it actually irritated me although being the type of guy I am, I never showed anything. I don’t know if I was right or not but it looked to me as if this guy was just trying to get close to her. I didn’t say anything because it was NONE of my business.
After that trip, I moved abroad and started a new life. I got to know that she started a relationship/affair with Mr. ex school friend. Apparently he told her that he was not happy with his wife and was going to divorce her (but never really did) and continued relationship with her. I don’t know if it’s true or not, I always felt this guy was taking advantage of her vulnerability because she was just out of divorce and was scared of an unknown future.
Later that year she too moved to NY and asked me if we could share a flat since we knew each other. I agreed because she was my friend. After this we became close again.
Mr. ex school friend use to visit her once or twice a year or she use to go to India and spend time with him. Apparently he got places in a different city in India and he tried to separate from his wife.
I also had been to India couple of times to see some brides as I thought arrange marriage was my fate. Never really had the courage to even propose to a girl in my life. She knew all about this, in fact  she even tried to set me up with few of her friends but never really worked out. I kept rejecting all arranged marriage alliances at home because I always wanted to fall in love and get married to someone I know, although my family is very conservative.
She was forcing Mr. ex school friend for commitment, asking him to divorce his wife but he just kept pushing forward while having all the fun with her. I just couldn’t stand this guy because I knew what he was doing with her was wrong but I really couldn’t tell her anything because it’s her personal life and she had all the rights to live the way she wanted.
Then early last year we had a house party and most of us started discussing our personal lives. I got a little tipsy on that day and all my frustration came out. I told her how much I liked her since the beginning and how this guy was just having fun with her. I also told her I loved her.
After that somehow we fell in love. She was five years older to me. I didn’t think about our future, but just started liking everything about her.
She never hid anything about me from Mr. ex school friend, since day one.
He knew she was sharing the flat with me and he knew we were best friends. When he visited NY next they had a big fight. He told her that he will divorce his wife immediately and wanted to get married to her. She said she wanted a bit of time which he never really liked.
She told me all that love she had for 5 years was lost somehow. He was very gutted when he went back because he probably didn’t get what he wanted when he was here.
After he went back he apparently told her parents about their relationship including every detail of what they did (I hope you understand what I mean) and how she is not willing to accept his marriage offer. He spoke very bad about her character. This is when she decided to break up with him.
He also wrote couple of times to me saying some really cheap thoughts about her like he slept with her and I am with what he already used and left and so on… obviously I was hurt, very badly hurt… After all I am also human  and even I do have feelings.
I knew she had done a mistake by getting involved with Mr. ex school friend, but who doesn’t make mistakes? We are all human beings and we all do mistakes and that’s what makes us what we are today.
Sometimes I do feel am I the reason for all this but I never really planned any of this to happen. Things just happened. We just clicked and fell into this without knowing.
This year we started thinking about future. I know she loves me and I love her too. Early this year when my parents asked me if I liked someone in states as they didn’t mind me getting married to anyone I liked. Then I indirectly told them about this girl. As expected they were very furious and crying and all that. They had seen this girl closely because she use to live close to my house when she was initially married. Then they had also heard about her affair with Mr. ex school friend, from a close relative.
A few close friends who knew us from initial days also started advising, saying things like if she can leave some one for you, she can also leave you after few years, that she was very cunning, an opportunist and so on. Some relatives added fuel to fire, saying, “She has lived with someone, how can you live with her? How would your future be? Will she have kids? What will your kids think about her past? We had shown you so many good looking girls!” And so on. Literally everything.
I was so broken and had gone so weak in my mind that I thought I might as well break up with her and marry someone else just to be out of this trauma. But I didn’t.
I never told her about any of these because I know she will get hurt listening to all this.
Then I started thinking positive this was my first love, my first relationship, I should fight for this. All these thoughts held me. I just didn’t want to go with the flow and be another one in the crowd. So what if she is 5 years older to me, we have this great chemistry going together. She is with me now. I need to accept her the way she is.
I also don’t want to hate my parents because they are good people just that they don’t know what kind of girl she is. All they have is a perception about her from someone else. Also just because they disagree with some of my decision/opinion doesn’t make them bad people and I can’t stop loving them.
Some time I do go very weak and think about how she was with the guy I couldn’t stand and every time I come across any of his gifts to her or his message or an email I just go so weak in my mind. Feel very low and feel like I am going into depression.
May be it’s a guy thing and will take some time to get over.
I do get questions in my mind like will she be pregnant as she is 35 because I love babies. I would love to be a father in future. Also I love girl child and hope for twin girls in future. If she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean I am going to leave her because I truly love her. I probably have to find other ways like IVF or adoption but just little tensed that’s it.
Now I need to somehow find a way to convince my parents. I was planning not tell her age to them. I will just say we are the same age and they already know she is a divorcee. They are just not accepting her. I probably will involve someone else in the family and try to convince them. I want to get married in our traditional way because that’s something what my parents did and I want to do it too. Not sure if this is all going to be possible in our traditional, conservative and judgemental Indian society but I hope I can do it.
I am travelling to India back again in a months time and I have already started thinking about it and feeling low.
It would take a minute to go against my parents and get married on my own but I want to do it with their blessings. I don’t want them to put their face down in society to say that I ran away and got married to someone. If they don’t agree I probably will end up doing this. I know they will be hurt at the same time I will be hurt as well because end of the day they are my parents and I know for sure she will also be hurt because she will think all this problem is because of her…
Also Mr. ex school friend has threatened that he will never let our marriage happen. He would make pics from his affair public to my family and so on (just goes to show how cheap this guy and what type of mentality he’s got). And guess what, he is going back to his wife now which pissed me off even more. Felt like this guy just had fun with her for a while and went back to where he was. Anyway at least it’s good for his kid and he won’t bother us anymore.
I fumbled across your blog when I was searching for how to convince Indian parents for marrying a divorcee and thought should share my story with you. Also if any of your readers have successful marriage stories of an older women/younger men, that would give me more confidence.
Some tips would help.
Not sure if this is worth publishing but do give it a read and let me know your opinion. And of course if you do publish, would love to hear from your readers.
Related Posts:

An email: ‘He made it clear to them he will not marry me without their support. He will not leave them behind… ever.’

What kind of life and future can a woman expect with a man who has made it clear to his parents that he would not marry her without their approval?

How does the email writer benefit from being married ‘into this family’? (because she would not be marrying the man alone)

Sharing an email.

I am an American white girl with a Punjabi Sikh boyfriend. He told his parents about me from the very beginning. They were open to the idea and agreed for us to spend time together to see if we wanted to get married. We wanted to marry. They refused. I was confused. It was too late. We were already in love!

For months, he called them and tried to convince them to approve our marriage. They cried, they yelled, they threatened to disown him. They told him to never come back to India. He was the reason for their new sicknesses. He was the reason they were now bedridden. “What would society think? She won’t be able to cook Punjabi food. She will take you away from us.” They repeated all of this on a daily basis. Somehow, some way, he got them to agree to meet me. We were so elated. We flew to India bearing smiles and gifts. I adorned my best salwar kameez. I was polite and demure. I looked through all their first daughter’s wedding photographs. I did everything any other Punjabi girl would have done in my situation. Then a neighbor came over and gave his two cents on our possible marriage. He was very opinionated and very negative about me. His mother began crying and refused to speak to me. My boyfriend cried. And then it was all over. We changed our flights and flew home early from India…defeated. Why would the words of one person be enough to change everything?

This was almost one year ago. Since then, my boyfriend has cried and begged. He’s pleaded his case to them to PLEASE agree to our marriage. He made it clear to them he will not marry me without their support. He will not leave them behind…ever. They refuse even to this day. They continue the emotional blackmail on a daily basis. They have X, Y, and Z health problems now, where as before he met me they were in perfect health. They’re bed ridden. They’re dying…..because of HIM. They continue to send him profiles of other “suitable girls”, even though he protests. He says fine, then I will never marry ANYONE if you don’t let me marry her. They said fine, don’t. It appears they called his bluff too.

At this point my boyfriend wants to give up. He’s completely brainwashed by them. He believes their health problems are his fault. He believes their unhappiness and my unhappiness is his fault and his fault alone. He thinks he’s a loser. He can’t go on seeing his parents “suffer” like this anymore. I asked him who is going to be there for them when they die? He says he knows no one will. That he will die alone.

Why is he so blind to the clear manipulation and control of his parents? Why is he not able to see through it? Why is he not able to stand up against them? I know he desperately loves me, but he’s willing to lose me for them. I just don’t understand it. Now he is willing to make everyone miserable for the sake of his parents when if he married me we could at least try to be happy and hope they will come around. I can’t imagine that they would disown him forever. They have no one else. Their elder married daughter no longer speaks to them already. My boyfriend claims this is why he cannot abandon them- because she did. He feels completely responsible for them in every way. He tells me he has tried every thing he can to convince them to allow us to marry and there’s nothing left in him. He said if I think if anything then I should go and do it. I can’t think of anything I can do to change their minds!! I just wish I could show him the light of love. :( Help!!

IHM: If there was no emotional investment, would the situation appear different to the email writer?  

Related Posts:

An email: My principal fear is my wife is not going to be able to love my parents as much as I do.

Please watch Queen, what kind of future was Rani being offered? 

What would you not change for love?

 ‘And if you are unlucky, you will get an American daughter-in-law.’

“If you are lucky you will get an American son-in-law, and if unlucky, you will get an American daughter-in-law!’

American Woman’s response to comments on her email.

An email: Is it fair for parents to say that their happiness depends on who their kids marry?

An email. Aren’t the sons supposed to have their own family lives?

I could not sing after my marriage and I am really sad about it, but women have to ‘adjust’ to see their family happy…

An email: Is it okay to make someone give up something they love to do, because we want them around?

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

An email: ‘My MIL called up my aunt and my mother and told them that our family has raised horrible daughters.’

Sharing an email. Is it possible for something like this to happen without atleast some amount of social and cultural sanction? 

Also, do you think such Patriarchal controls could survive without women being pressurised to Get Married and Stay Married?

Dear IHM,

I wrote to you a couple of months ago [July 4, 2014] about how my in laws were not talking to me, because I wanted to visit my mother for my father’s death ceremony. Since then, my MIL called up my aunt and my mother and told them that our family has raised horrible daughters and that we are arrogant girls who think we are “birlas”. She pulled in my sister too, claiming that she had had an abortion (probably a miscarriage… I do not know… she never wanted to share). I do not have a biological child, and I wonder what she was hinting at. I am really hurt and am at odds. How do I react/ what do I do? Can you please publish this on the forum?

And, this message in a comment from July 4, 2014,

My story is similar… I had emailed IHM, but I guess I could not wait. I have been married to a very nice guy for the past seven years. We recently adopted a nine-month old baby and life has been just awesome. I lost my father quite some time ago and was really attached to him. A couple of days ago, my mother told me his death ceremony was coming up. So I planned to go to my place ( in another city, where my in-laws live too ). My in-laws stay on another end of the city, so I would not be able to visit them this time, with the baby in tow. They created a huge scene, saying I was disrespectful and that I was not following the “rites”. I really want to spend time with my mother this time, especially on a day that makes her sad, but my in-laws are acting as if I am committing a crime. Even earlier, my MIL has complained about the one or two days I would spend with my mother when we visited them. She has threatened suicide now and has even told my husband that he’s going to my mother’s place (he’s there only to drop me off, after that, he’s back for he’s busy with work) because my mother lent us money towards construction of our new home. The husband is very angry at this accusation (we have supported them through their joblessness/ money crises) and refuses to speak to them. I don’t want to either, for I really want to be with my family this time and that too after nearly 4 years.

Am I justified in not wanting to apologise (I wasn’t rude to them, I just told them plainly what I wanted to do)

 

‘When husbands are jealous, they look so cute, no!?’

“Husbands jab jealous hote hain to kitne cute lagte hain na?” Roughly translates to, ‘When husbands are jealous, don’t they look so cute?’

Do you think a man wanting his wife to display her marital status shows that he loves her?

How different is that from men wanting women to hide their ‘beauty’ from gair mard (random men/other men) by covering up or by not wearing certain kinds of (Possibly ‘western’) clothes/make up/hair styles?

Why have we romanticised control, dependence, possessiveness and jealousy (mainly in men) as love?

For women: naiveté, ignorance, lack of experience, emotional dependence, need for reassurance and approval, trust, obedience and physical weakness,  (delicate or fragile are still used as compliments to describe women’s beauty, as opposed to strong, fit or athletic) are romanticised.

Why isn’t being supportive, being partners, being fun to be with, being emotionally stable (as against being unpredictable or insecure), being balanced, not being manipulative, being fair and honest, and courageous and respectful, knowing one’s mind etc romanticised – in both men and women?

What do you think? Do you find the man’s gesture romantic?

What would you say would have been appropriate reactions? (I am assuming that the man was not really aware that his action was not an act of love but an act of jealous and controlling insecurity)

How do you think would this man react if the woman were to put the mangalsutra back inside, … or take it off and put it away, after calling his jealousy cute? 

SimblyBored shared her post – Dabur Honey’s Mangalsutra Ad in response to this video.

Related Posts:

When married Indian women strive to look unmarried.

Why Indian women wear toe rings (BICHHIYA)? there is a Science Behind this..

“I have realized that at 20 when I started dating him I never thought much but today I have issues with all the above points.”

“She is barred from accessing Gtalk, YM, FB, twitter… Her calls and messages are checked every day. He does not want unnecessary tensions.”

Is your relationship healthy?

He said, “You’re a very beautiful girl, but don’t wear such clothes…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QN75Od3hJf0

Wish every girl was like Aisha?

What makes someone find the concept of ghunghat appreciable?

Sindoor, Tali and Mangalsutra.

Ditched the dupatta, chucked the chunni – Starry eyed

Please watch Queen. Feels like our country is finally changing.

Boy friends are new parents

An email: An Old fashioned boy friend and a Liberal girl friend.

An email. I’m 27 and my parents were happy that I finally found someone. But does a relationship have any meaning without trust?

“I have so much to tell about this one man who is “almost” a representation of every Indian middle-class husband.”

How Abuse Begins‘ by Desi Girl.

“I blamed myself for putting myself in that situation, for being so vulnerable and so incredibly stupid to believe any of his bullshit.”

‘What Shri Yesudas said in public is what most of the parents are telling in private.’

I was away and did not see this positive news until Saturday afternoon. The times are changing and it’s good to hear long established lies being debunked.

Thanks for sharing Mr G. Vishwanathjee.

Yesudas strikes a sour note with comments on women’s attire

“What should be covered must be covered. Women should not trouble others by wearing jeans,” K.J. Yesudas, musician, said here on Friday, inviting protests from political leaders, women’s groups and the public.

“They [women] should not try to become like men but must behave modestly,” he continued. The attire, he said, is unbecoming of Indian culture and what lends beauty to a woman is her demureness.

Until recently comments like this were accepted as common sense and traditional wisdom.

So it’s a huge positive that no matter how obviously absurd Mr Yesudas’s comment might seem to some of us, it is still being challenged, discussed and responded to.

Unbelievable though this seems, there are many who still agree with him, and are going to quote him as the final word on what their women should be allowed to wear.

And those who quote him would not just be doing this because they hate women, but because they can’t see what options can their women be permitted.

Many of them sincerely believe that lewd comments or stares (i.e. women failing to avoid attention or disrespect from men) is amongst the worst things they can watch happening to their women, worse than their women being allowed to lose freedom, happiness, and worse than their women not being viewed as people with feelings of their own.

Everything must be sacrificed (by women) to ensure that lewd comments and stares don’t offend those who fail to see who should be outraged and by whom/what.

Because they believe that women should be held responsible for protecting the sensibilities of those respectable people who do not want to watch women being subjected to lewd comments.

This comment is a response to the article in the Hindu.

What Shri. Yesudas said in public is what most of the parents are telling in private. I would like to suggest these progressive people to just remember for a moment of the past as to whether they had ever noticed or felt embarrassed or scared when their daughter or close relatives wearing these dresses were stared upon by strangers or subjected to lewd comments.

I hope the outrage and protests bring to notice that:

1. What should be found objectionable and embarrassing, and should be controlled is the ‘lewd comments’.

Yes it’s difficult to understand after centuries of having heard otherwise.

So let me attempt to explain.

2. Making excuses for the lewd comments also means – that now, after centuries of doing this, we aren’t sure who is the victim:

i.)  the harasser – being troubled by women in jeans, or

ii.)  the women, or

iii.) those who believe they have to take decisions for ‘these women’.

3. All along, the person making ‘lewd comments’ knows he has well known figures commiserating with him. (Some of them are probably justifying their own past and future actions?)

4. Only now since more of us, including women, have a Voice do we learn that women have feelings too.

Suchithra krishnamoorthy, playback singer:
#Yesudas Men shouldn’t be allowed to talk so much and must learn to behave. Y provoke us women into wanting to slap u?

 

5. Though I think misogynists should be allowed to talk – Silence does not change any points of view, Dialogue does.

6. And dialogue also means that we know we aren’t the only ones who can see how absurd it is to defend an obvious wrong, and to blame the one who has been wronged.

Related Posts:

“People will say we encouraged these men to follow us, even though we are innocent”

Not Just a Pair of Jeans

The way a woman dresses…

Women and their unmentionables. Understanding Objectification.

What do ‘Modest’ women have that their ‘Immodest’ sisters don’t…

“My dad tells me not to wear skimpy outfit when he is around”

“The male community, including myself, needs only 10 minutes, just ten minutes… to send what is called sperm, into the uterus of a female.”

 Gujarat Police urges girls to stop wearing jeans, shorts

This Shame belongs to Who?

“Sometimes it seems like every single thing I do has the potential to be something ‘provocative’.”

Yes, I’m a woman, I have breasts and a cleavage, Deepika Padukone slams leading daily.

My skirt is not your license, pervert. – A splash of my life…

What is this big problem with Bra Strap Showing?

Did the posters threatening acid attacks on women wearing jeans surprise you?