“… people will say we encouraged these men to follow us… even though we are innocent”

When young women hear victims being shamed, blamed and silenced after each news of sexual crimes against women, is it surprising that they feared they would be blamed for the Street Sexual Harassment they faced everyday?

In their suicide notes — one runs into six pages, the other is four-page long —  the girls speak of fear and shame, of disrepute, of tongues wagging simply because young men had been following and harassing them.

“Everyday a new man would come and chase us. They would pass lewd remarks and offer us phone numbers.
The people around us would stare as if we had done something wrong. You know how bad our colony is… how people will say we encouraged these men to follow us… even though we are innocent,” Madhu wrote.

What could have lead to their fear of being blamed and shamed?

Take a look at just one example of what they feared,

Related Posts:

Is stalking of girls and women illegal in India?

Would women be in some ways empowered if they saw no shame in what they could risk being called?

What did Sharad Yadav mean by, ‘Who amongst us has not followed girls?’

Reserved seats and coaches are not a special indulgence towards women, they are an indication of a serious social problem.

The fearlessness of the Indian ‘Eve teaser’ (sexual criminals)

Are we trying to threaten Indian women with rapes as punishment for modernity, independence and self reliance?

Did the posters threatening acid attacks on women wearing jeans surprise you?

Dad knifes girl for speaking to lover

“As long as the men do not understand that they CANNOT and WILL NOT get away with such behavior and criminal acts, the rape culture will not go away”

Controlling crimes against women: What works, what doesn’t work.

This is what rapists do when there is no fear of punishment.

How Victim Blaming confuses rapists, police and the society about when exactly does non-consensual-sex becomes a crime.

The rapists often don’t see their actions as crimes, the police said, and don’t expect the victims to report them.

It’s Your Fault

“She was warned several times and was used to unethical practices like friendship with boys.”

How did we make Indian criminals believe that they have 7 khoon maaf if they can claim to be teaching Indian women a lesson in Indian values?

Allahabad girl Aarti Yadav beats harasser, sets bike on fire

Can sexual harassment be compared to Terrorism against a whole community called women?

“Such mannequins will excite men and pose a danger to women.”

“I am safe because I’m very careful in the way I behave and dress in public, on the streets.”

In Gurgaon, jobs, safety and roads after 8 pm, reserved for men?

The night I was not an easy prey.

Which city in India, do you think is the safest city for women? Do women in that city stay at home after dark?

“Sometimes it seems like every single thing I do has the potential to be something ‘provocative’.”

When they don’t even understand crime, how are they ever going to begin controlling it?

Those charged with our safety should have a true understanding of what it is to be a survivor of sexual assault — slut or otherwise.

 

 

An email: Is it okay to make someone give up something they love to do, because we want them around?

Is it okay to make someone give up something they love to do, because we want them around?

And is it possible to remain truly happy after giving up something we loved to do?

This happens all the time.

My mom would never ruffle feathers by going back to work, when she knows my dad prefers her to be at home.

It’s obvious that the functions are enjoyed by those who want everybody’s presence there, but why are weddings and family functions considered more important than personal happiness/interests of each family member?

The problem (for them) being that she wouldn’t take leave to go for weddings and other family functions. They thought it doesn’t make sense for her to ‘struggle’ so much when they are supposed to ‘enjoy life’ at this age.

Traditionally men have been discouraged from doing anything except ‘bread winning’ :(

‘Retired men who have no passions or hobbies, who know not what to do with the sudden abundance of ‘spare’ time, and drive their wives crazy (!) and go into depression.’ [Traditional  upbringing of boys. – Starry Eyed]

Sharing an email. 

Hi IHM,

I have been struggling with an issue for a while and felt maybe sharing it on your blog might give me some perspective. I would really appreciate if you could share this email on your blog to see what your readers have to say.

My parents have lived abroad for over 30 years and came back to India a couple of years ago after my dad retired. My mother was working as a teacher for about 10 years. She started working, perhaps, when we were in high school and before that she was a stay-at-home mom. When some of her friends started pursuing a teaching degree, she also decided to join. She is now an internationally certified primary school teacher with substantial experience working in an international school.

The issue is  that it was my dad’s decision to retire and come back to India. He was ready for a quiet life. However, since they have moved back they have quite a (what I call) boring life. My mom just cooks and cleans and they attend the occasional wedding and family events. They watch some serials at night and then go to bed early to begin the same routine again.

However, my mom is not that kind of a person. I feel very strongly that my mom should still be working. There is no reason for her to live the life of a retired person when she is still willing to work. However, that decision is difficult for her because with my dad at home she feels guilty going out to work.

A few months after they moved to India, I had helped her find a job in a nearby school. The pay was nominal but the school was so excited about having such a qualified teacher. The few months my mom worked, she finished all the work at home, made breakfast and lunch. kept lunch out on the table for my dad and then went to work. She would then be back in time for evening tea.

However, it seems my dad was getting bored home alone because he is really not used to being without her. When the topic came up, our extended family (though they don’t live together but they are all neighbours) also felt that she was spending too much of her time and energy on her job. The problem (for them) being that she wouldn’t take leave to go for weddings and other family functions. They thought it doesn’t make sense for her to ‘struggle’ so much when they are supposed to ‘enjoy life’ at this age. Moreover, none of them understand the idea of working because you want to do something productive and because you love it.

Eventually, she decided to leave the job though she had made a few friends there and the school really tried to convince her to stay.

It’s been almost 2 years since then and it’s been taken for granted by all that she won’t go back to work. But I have this nagging feeling that she is not happy. She is a traditional woman who thinks it’s her job to take care of the house but sometimes when we are talking she will let slip in a very mild manner that she is getting bored. Just to clarify, I live in another city and visit them once or twice a year and my sister lives abroad, so neither of us are really around for her to talk to, take her out etc.

Now my problem is that I feel no one seems to see that there is so much more she can do. My dad is the typical man who will do things around the house if he is asked to. But if he is not asked to do chores he will assume my mom can handle it on her own. And my mom is the kind of person who will never ask him to do chores around the house. She feels strongly that he should do it because he wants to, not because she has asked him to.

I realize that at their age, neither of them is going to change. My mom is not the kind of woman who will put her foot down. And I worry that unless she says something herself, no one is going to take her unhappiness seriously. She is also the kind of Indian woman who thinks it’s ok to be a little unhappy, as long as everything else is ok, because that’s just how life goes.

The obvious solution would be for me to speak to my parents, but the issue there is that I am an infamous feminist and all in my family know it. If I bring this topic up, everyone will think this is just me “being a feminist” and finding problems where there are none. Till my mom herself says that she wants to work or do something productive, no one will take me seriously. And she would never want to ruffle feathers by going back to work, when she knows my dad prefers her to be at home. I can’t think of any other elder in my family who will understand the issue enough to speak to both my parents so that they understand each other’s side of the story.

I know the solution is that my mom needs to stand up for what she wants but we have to remember that women of that generation were never trained to think that way. And keeping that background in mind, I’d really like to hear what you all have to say about this situation. I tears me up to know that she is unhappy and to not be able to do anything about it. How can I get her to be engaged in other things so that she is not so bored/unhappy/demotivated? I want her to feel good about herself and make friends with whom she can have intelligent conversation with. I want her to have something of her own that she has built on her own and is not tied to her life as a wife and mother.

thanks.

Related Posts:

I could not sing after my marriage and I am really sad about it, but women have to ‘adjust’ to see their family happy…

Please watch Queen. Feels like our country is finally changing.

“But it is so frustrating to see her almost dying every day with hard work, mental stress, apathy…

How can the society ensure that marriage (and homemaking) does not result in women becoming financially dependent on their husbands?

Why Scandinavian women make the rest of the world jealous.

“My husband says he can’t go against his family. My father says study but not without your FIL’s permission.”

“A Hindu woman derives immense pleasure in sacrifice for her husband. The white man will never ever understand this.”

‘This ‘I, Me, Myself’ culture that most of you on this forum are propagating itself is hypocrisy.’

“My in-laws don’t hate me at all. But ‘love’ isn’t about all this. ‘Love’ is about letting your loved one ‘live’.”

My Dreams Are More Precious Than Yours?

What is that one thing that can change an Indian girl child’s life?

I think that one thing is her parents seeing her as their child and not as her future in laws’s daughter-in-law (Paraya Dhan).

Everything changes when a paraya dhan becomes her parents’ child. Her happiness, her future, her comfort, her health, her safety… and eventually her rights and  freedoms also become important enough to fight for.

Once the family values her, so will the society.

Do you agree?

But how do the parents begin to do that?

By realising that Getting Married and Staying Married need not be the only way for a girl child to ‘settle down’.

And what’s the first step for that to happen?

Education ofcourse.

Which is why I am supporting #​Selfies4School by Breakthrough.

Nation Against Early Marriage

What happens when a girl child goes to school?

1. The girl child gets to be a child that she is. She gets a break from housework and taking care of younger siblings. The school might also provide nutrition and opportunities for physical activities.

2. Makes it possible for a girl child to begin to see that there is more to her life than Getting Married and Staying Married.

3. Schooling also makes it possible/easier for her parents to delay a girl child’s marriage.

One huge plus in all this is that most Indians value Education and Success.

#Selfies4School

According to a UNICEF report, India has 47% of the world’s child brides - although we have festivals where we ‘worship’ girl children. :roll:

‘Breakthrough is hoping that #Selfies4School will help ignite conversations in the drawing rooms of professionals and the educated classes.’

Igniting conversations is a powerful step in the right direction I think, because without conversation there is Silence.

How do you like the campaign mascot – Uma with her dupatta flying like a cape :D

Uma Selfies4School

Take a look at this video – in Hindi.

Related Posts:

“See – UNICEF has figured it out. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out.”

Teenage Pregnancies – not our culture…

His sister is 26 and has two kids, the older one is 8! Another sister, around 18 is also married.

The life and times of another Indian Homemaker.

19 Rape Facts that Khaps, Cops and Chautala should know.

When life ends at twelve.

So how did you go to school?

Shameless women.

Did the man in this ad ‘instil faith’ in you? Does he come across as respectful towards women?

This witty take on the much beaten down Indian man hopes to instil faith in the women of today.’

According to Story Pick – If You Think All Indian Men Are The Same, You Haven’t Probably Met The Right Ones. So, would you count this man amongst the ‘Right ones’?

Link shared by Kavya. 

Compare this man to Milkha Singh (in the video below) assuring that his ‘No’ did not in any way indicate disrespect or ‘insult’.

What do you think?

Related Posts:

Ek Hindustani ladki ki Izzat.

Romanticizing innocence, chastity and related taboos for women.

“There is so little conversation about a woman’s desire for sex that a lot of people simply assume it doesn’t exist.”

Of Love, Lust and Respect

Triya charitram, Purushasya bhagyam, Devo Na Janati, Kuto Manushya…

 

Because we can still be honest WITHOUT saying, “Gosh woman what is wrong with you?”

Sharing an email. 

Because we can still be honest WITHOUT saying, “Gosh woman what is wrong with you?”

Dear IHM,

I read a couple of blogs on your site recently and found this case of the pregnant woman wanting her MIL to cook for her.

Although I agree with the advice given by almost all the people in the comments and I have myself commented in more or less the same vein, I find many of the comments highly disrespectful and hurtful towards the LW.

This happened even with one MIL who had posted her problem about her DIL wanting to separate finances. This happened in my case as well and also for many others who had posted their problems with you previously.

It is not the advice per se which is hurtful. It is the tone and attitude in which it is said. I am guilty of this myself in many cases (not from this blog).

I know I am myself going to attract a whole bunch of brickbats for saying this, but ‘tough love’ on the internet just needs to STOP. It does not help the asker. It does not help the reader. It does no one any good, except for letting the commenter vent out their own anger and frustration about the situation.

On the contrary, this behavior deters people from ever sharing their problems, and therefore, finding solutions to real time issues.

Feminism is a great philosophy. It is great to be empowered. But why are we looking down upon women who are not as liberated as we are?

I understand that we cannot take responsibility for how others feel. But what we can indeed do is try to speak and behave in such a way that is accepted in society as common courtesy – you’d not exactly SPEAK the same way to a stranger who shares her problem with you. Why do we let down common etiquette and courtesy online?

Is it because you are honest by being rudely candid? Because we can still be honest WITHOUT saying, “Gosh woman what is wrong with you, get a maid!” if we instead say, “Please get a maid.”

Not very different from MTV Roadies, sorry.

The very act of actually posting questions online shows that people are willing to accept opinion and change to some effect; they wouldn’t do it otherwise. This should be treated as an opportunity. By coating an otherwise good advice with a patronizing and hurtful attitude, we aren’t doing anyone a favor but ourselves. People say – “Oh we took the time to help find them solutions and now you complain that we aren’t sweet enough.” Sorry – this attitude does more harm than the good done by the advice.

Being nice, or even neutral, isn’t an add-on, it is a necessity.

Feminism is all about equality – even within women. No one gets to act superior and speak patronizingly just because their husband cooks for them, or they work in an office, or they don’t become ‘fussy’ during pregnancy or whatever. Let’s embrace this philosophy with grace instead of using it as an excuse to vent anger.

The world needs solutions, not counter-rants. Nobody has time for rants.

Vamp

Related Posts:

“Let me give you the reason I asked for advise here instead of talking with my family.”

Why do we never talk about sisterhood, about women defending one another and supporting each other?

Is this blog becoming an Agony Aunt Column?

“I think most problems in life are when we look for approval and validation outside of ourselves.”

If she doesn’t seem to see your logic, will you support her the way she can be supported?

 

We need to teach our daughters to know the difference between…

This advice for parents of daughters is being shared on facebook.

What do you think of this?

My response.

We need to teach our daughters to know the difference between…

IHM:  All children, daughters and sons, benefit from some information/guidelines that help them avoid being manipulated, used, hurt or abused (etc)

The advice above assumes and implies that daughters are the only ones and always the victims and sons are always the abusers. And that abuse and society is – Men versus Women.

It also indirectly implies – that parents of daughters (or the entire society?) have the responsibility of ensuring that girls do not fall in love with the ‘wrong kind of men’.

We need to teach our daughters to know the difference between…

a man who flatters her and the man who compliments her

IHM: Anybody, including women, sales people, colleagues, competitors of any kind  can flatter. And everybody would benefit from being able to see through lies of any kind, including flattery.

Criticism I think is generally equally or more harmful than flattery is. It can destroy self esteem and confidence; and create jealousy, insecurity, resentment, bitterness and endless dissatisfaction with self.

I would warn a child against criticism with the excuse of ‘attempting to improve’ them as much as against flattery.

But why are compliments such a good thing? I would rather teach a girl or a boy to like themselves and then to not care too much about the opinion of anybody else. If they compliment – maybe it simply means they have similar tastes.

Compliments are only opinions – and should not be permitted make days or break hearts. This is only possible if children are encouraged to like themselves just the way are and not care to much about log kyaa kahenge (what will people say or think).

We are less likely to need compliments or approval if we are comfortable with ourselves. This is automatically a protection from abuse by flattery or criticism.

a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her

IHM: I didn’t quite understand this one.

Does it mean – Investing is when he plans to marry the woman and Spending is when he has no plans to marry her?

As opposed to marriage being a mutual decision.

And it is assumed that women see (and should see) Marriage as their only goal in life.

Also, I would say women should be able to earn and spend on themselves and invest for and in themselves with their own money.

a man who views her as Property and a man who views her properly

IHM: Nobody should be viewed as Property, but what does viewing someone ‘properly’ mean?  Honourably?

I wonder if women benefit from being taught to worry about whether or not they are being viewed ‘properly’?  So long women are able to live their lives the way they choose to, does it matter?

a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her

IHM: ‘Lust’ continues to be viewed as harmful perhaps because it is seen to make women impure. And ‘Love’ continues to be something men invest in and hence, maybe, are entitled to reciprocation.

I would rather talk to children about abusive and manipulative behaviour by anybody – specially those who are in positions of authority, or those who they trust, lust for or love.

I would warn them against those who seem to wish to control their personal lives, or to change or ‘improve’ them. Those who seem to want them to do something they do not want to do (or those who want them to stop doing something they love to do).

Or those who attempt to control who they talk to and what they say to them.

I would encourage them to make many friends and to see relationships – as a part of growing up and to not ever give up being themselves – specially to make someone love/befriend them.

And ofcourse, to view lust as wrong when there is coercion, or when one of the partners is either a minor or in a committed relationship.

A man who believes he is a gift to women, and a man who believes she is a gift to him

IHM: Why is okay for a man to believe a woman is a ‘gift to him’?

And it contradicts with the point above about viewing women as ‘property’ or commodity.

And then we need to teach our sons to be that kind of man.

IHM: Do sons really need to be brought up all that differently from daughters?

Related Posts:

Is it possible to insult someone who doesn’t value your opinion of them?

This 27 year old woman could not be forcibly married off or silenced or shamed.

Slut Walk: Would women be in some ways empowered if they saw no shame in what they could risk being called?

18 questions for young women (and men) of ‘marriageable age’.

What would you not change for love?

Does loving someone mean we should ‘improve’ them?

What are you criticised the most for?

Ten more ways to be better wives and daughters in law.

Marriage Advice from the 1950s that is Definitely Outdated

“One of the so-called best professor of my department … advices his students (girls) that men can be satisfied only by two things…”

Who would you never ask for advice?

Be a wife like Sita, wear a sari but don’t get abducted.

Does loving someone mean we should ‘improve’ them?

10 Things to say to everybody else, but never to a woman.

But how do we go about accepting ourselves just the way we are?

“I think most problems in life are when we look for approval and validation outside of ourselves.”

“10 years ago, the girl would have been counselled on how to change her dress sense for the boy, how to do as he says.”

 

 

‘And if you are unlucky, you will get an American daughter-in-law.’

Do you think Indians would value sons the way they do now – praying, fasting and sex selecting to avoid having girl children, if there was no expectation of living with and being cared for by a future daughter in law?

What if the parents knew that they could not control or choose who the son would marry or live with? What would change? 

Sharing an email from an American woman.

Dear IHM,

I have been reading your blog for quite sometime now, ever since I have been dating (now engaged to) an awesome and caring Indian man. Even though I am American, I find some of the topics mentioned on here to be universally relevant and interesting, nonetheless.

I am writing to ask if you could share my story on your blog as soon as you get a chance with your readers so that I can get their opinions/truthful advice.

My situation is as follow:

I am engaged to an Indian man who has been residing here in the US for the last 6 years. He has lived here since he was 24, now he is 30. I am 26. We are getting married in less than a year, and he is honestly an awesome and caring person, whom I care for very much, no doubt! :) I have only met his siblings thus far, and they are awesome and all living outside of India now. His parents are living in India, and I have yet to meet them, but speak to them often on the phone. They seem very sweet, kind, and non intrusive. Everyone, including him, is actually very westernized and liberal-minded, and mostly not very traditional at all, as they reside in a big city. They also have several other family members around them, like their own siblings, nieces and nephews.

Awhile back, we were speaking about different things in life, and a topic came up. He mentioned/asked me how I would feel about his parents living with us when they become old, or maybe even before then, I do not quite remember the conversation to be honest. All I remember responding is how I truly feel about it, which is basically that I do not feel comfortable living like that and am not a believer in that sort of family set up. I believe you marry your spouse and share a home with your spouse, and that’s it. Marriage can be hard enough as it is, never mind adding in other family members into the equation. I am marrying one person, not 3 people, simply put. He is not insisting that this happen, he is simply asking because while no discussion in the family has been spoken yet on this topic, there is a possibility they may just stay where they are or live with his older brother. (He has 1 brother living in the Middle East not far from India and 1 sister here in the US.) I think he basically wants to be able to welcome them into their home if they need it, not necessarily that he is demanding it. He just wants to know they’ll  be taken care of later on, which I suppose is fair.

Now I know this is seen as a “cultural difference”. Indians live with their sons in their old age. My genuine question is why? In my European culture, daughters are actually the ones to care for their aging parents, as they feel more comfortable with daughters versus daughters-in-laws. Americans hire full time care takers for their elders but people remain in separate house from their kids, or in some cases, the same house to cut expenses. In my personal experience, my grandmother lived until 95 years old with a full time care taker and in a house of her own. My mom stopped by everyday for an hour, but lived within 5 minutes of her so that as relatively easy. We do not “abandon” our elders like some people think we do.

Now since I am my parents’ only daughter, I would technically be the one responsible for them in their old age, but simply put, I do not want them living with me either, and that is not to sound cold or callus, but everyone, including elderly, need their own personal space, and mostly, their own privacy. I have already discussed this with my parents and they agree. While they want to be nearby to me, they themselves do NOT want to share a house with my and my future husband, as they know they can be just as well taken care of in a separate house than in the same house.

I genuinely would like to hear people’s thoughts on this and how to handle this with my fiancé in a fair manner. I definitely cannot live with them on a full time permanent basis for the rest of my adult life. As I said earlier, I do not even want my own parents living with me. I just want it to be me, my spouse, and my future children hopefully. My future in laws have been to the US once on a vacation and will come for our wedding in less than a year. So they have not been here very much. Logically, it does not make much sense. We are of 2 different cultures, and things may be uncomfortable for us both. Financially, it definitely doesn’t make sense, as a non US senior citizen is not entitled to medical care or any medical benefits.

I believe this arrangement would cause a big strain on our marriage. My fiancé knows how I feel and that I am uncomfortable with it. He laughs at me and doesn’t really understand where I am coming from, he is a man after all, and they just don’t understand certain things, especially if this is a cultural phenomenon. This just worries me slightly and this is really not an issue you can force on someone. I just wish he understood where I was coming from a bit better and had a but more common sense for all things considered. I do not see many elderly Indian people living in the US permanently anyway, and I am not sure he has even thought all of these logistical issues through.

The bottom line is this: how can I handle this fairly, so that he is not very upset and at the same time, I’m not living in misery? And second, why would people in their 60s (by that time they would be) want to live in a foreign country permanently in their old age? If they wanted to live here, I guess they would have done it long ago. And 3rd, why he is discussing this with me when he has not even discussed this with his siblings or parents? Lastly, please do not misunderstand me to be cold or heartless. I hope they are well taken care of also. They may just have more things in common with their other daughter in law, who is also Indian and also has her own relatives residing there also.

Any advice is appreciated and respected. Please reply.  Thanks so much!!

D.M.

Related Posts:

This email reminded me of  – “If you are lucky you will get an American son-in-law, and if unlucky, you will get an American daughter-in-law!’

American Woman’s response to comments on her email.

An email: Is it fair for parents to say that their happiness depends on who their kids marry?

Love Marriages spoil the Family System of our Nation.

A marriage arranged by the parents is better because they have experience.

Brave new Indian family or no Indian family? Why Indians resist social changes.

Arranged Marriage Market: “Oh! then our son has to take care of you and your wife too”!

100 per cent of the elderly surveyed stated that their daughters-in-law abused them the most.

“I will never live in a joint family, it has its roots in patriarchy and benefits only men.”

40% of rape charges were filed by parents of girls who had eloped consensually with a boy

Here’s a simple answer to why India is so unsafe for women.

The way we define rape is wrong.

1. Rape for many Indians is – ‘sex with the forbidden woman’.

2. Many men (and women) have no understanding of  Consent (by women)

3. There is no effort to talk or understand – ‘Violation of a woman’s autonomy and bodily integrity’.

4. Most Indians can’t imagine (or understand or tolerate or permit) women owning their own bodies or their own sexuality.

Why?

Because,

1. A woman’s consent is seen as given (to her husband) by the society/family once she has been ‘married off’ (which is why marital rape is not a crime)

2. And if a woman is not married, then her Consent is seen as immoral, shameless, deserving of punishment via killing, sexual assault or violence, boycott etc.

Women’s safety for many Indians is ensuring they remain ‘pure’ (sexually inexperienced) till they are married.

And the biggest concern in case of violent sexual assaults for many is  – to ensure that the survivor’s identity is not revealed. Why? So they can pretend the crime never happened, which is essential for the survivor (and her siblings and cousins) to be ‘married off’.

So, when we are fighting for women’s safety – what exactly are we fighting for?

Do read,

Rape and Rakhi – Patriarchal-Communal Narratives: Kavita Krishnan

‘The recent research by Rukmini S of The Hindu, on rape trials in Delhi, found that some 40% of rape charges were filed by parents of girls who had eloped consensually with a boy, very often from another caste or community.

 

In these instances, ironically, the girl experienced violence – abduction, confinement, beatings – at the hands of her own family, rather than at the hands of the alleged ‘rapist’.

 

And the violence may be at the hands of the State too. Policemen routinely abet the family’s violence towards such women. And in one instance studied by Pratiksha Baxi in her recent book Public Secrets of Law: Rape Trials in India, a woman who had eloped to marry by choice, was jailed for abetting her own rape and abduction.’

 

Related Posts: 

Is rape the worst thing that can happen to an Indian woman?

Where Consensual Sex is Rape, and Forced Sex a legal right.

Panchayat orders girl to marry her rapist because one way to make a Rape right is to make it Marital Rape.

Making Marital Rape a legal offence is the fastest way to make it clear that Rape means forced sex, not lost Virginity or Honor.

“Instituting the idea of marital rape raises the specter of a man going for long periods without sex even though he’s married!”

What do you think of these doubts regarding recognition of marital rape as a crime?

Forcible sex with wife doesn’t amount to marital rape: Court

7 things that can make ‘Rape sometimes right’.

Would this crime have been reported if he had mercilessly raped her but not sodomised her?

Here’s why a 6-year-old rape survivor was ordered to marry alleged rapist’s 8 year old son.

“…offenders who raped unmarried (and virginal) women got higher sentences in contrast to men who raped married women”

“Girls should be married at 16, so that they don’t need to go elsewhere for their sexual needs. This way rapes will not occur.”

 

 

“My Mil never likes to cook. They have maid at home who does most of the cooking cleaning stuff.”

Sharing an email. 

Do you think there are some expectations here, from the mother in law? If yes, then are those expectations fair?

What if the mother in law had a career or any other interests, or health issues, and there were no other relatives, …female relatives, who could come and cook for the couple?

Who doesn’t seem to be feeling any guilt in this email? Why is that so? 

Hi IHM

I frequently visit your blog.I am an avid reader of your blog. Almost all the topics touches a chord some where.

I m writing about a problem to get suggestions and inputs from bloggers here.

I work with a MNC married for one and half year. Now I am carrying three months. Initially all was good and we both were so happy. My Mil came to take care of me.

First few weeks I was not feeling like eating. Then slowly as pregnancy progress I took interest in simple daal subji chawal but served hot. This is difficult for my Mil.  She never like to cook. They have maid at home who does most of the cooking cleaning stuff.

I work in shifts so can cook only one time.

Now also due to weakness I found it is exhausting to stand and cook. But the truth is I don’t like her food. Sometimes it is good but most of the time she serve cold afternoon food.

And she won’t cook until you feel hungry.

Now I am feeling hungry too frequently.I need small stuff but in regular three four hr interval.

All these needs are not getting fulfilled.most of the time I eat office canteen food or outside snacks resulting severe gas and acidity.

Now I am cooking little things for my self but get tired soon. In all these my husband feels bad that I don’t like his mama’s food. His side is she could not cook now, still she is trying. So I should not complain. In reality I am not complaining for food. I started cooking but I complain of tiredness.

This could be a minor issue but at this time I feel like I m not getting enough nutritious food.

Otherwise I can eat all types of food. Don’t complain much.

Can anyone give valuable suggestion please.

Related Posts:

‘How I am going to manage two toddlers, work, home, chores etc etc without any physical and moral support from my in laws?’

If I made Baghban.

“After all, why do we as kids, feel so entitled to our mother’s time, indeed her entire life and personality?”

Why do men NOT have to choose between being a CEO and a father, but women have to make this choice.

How are mothers treated in Indian culture?

Mommy Guilt: A Western Influence.

This 27 year old woman could not be forcibly married off or silenced or shamed.

I see this news as a positive story.

The young woman had a job. She valued her self reliance and was in a position to refuse to give up a job that her brother (and I am sure many others) did not consider ‘suitable’ for her.

And she was in a position to refuse to submit to a semi-forced marriage.

Man-attacks-sisters-hair

One Question: Do you think we need a law that bans Forced or Semi Forced Marriages? And another that makes seeking opportunities for Self Reliance a legal  right…  but since that is a fundamental right, maybe a law that  legally forbids preventing other adults from seeking lawful opportunities to make themselves self reliant.

Because, what use are the rights to Equality or Freedom without the power to fight for them? And that power can only come from Self Reliance.

What if this brother had not done something as obviously unacceptable as this? What if he had threatened her with some other more popular (and acceptable) means of controlling – like social boycott or shaming?

Her hair will grow back and now that the case is public, it will be seen as a warning by other ‘brothers’ who harboured similar ideas.

Link shared by Abhishek Oza

Man ‘attacks’ sister’s hair for refusing to marry his pal

 

BANGALORE: A 27-year-old woman who refused to marry the man chosen by her younger brother was in for a shock: her sibling punished her by forcibly daubing hair-removing cream on her head and leaving her with a partially bald pate.

Santosh was also upset with his sister for working in a bar. Jayanti, who was earlier working as a bartender in Mumbai, had moved to Bangalore a few months ago to take care of her family. She alleged that Santosh never stuck to one job and hardly took care of their parents.

How do some TOI and Navbharat Times commentators view this news?

We continue to excuse the use of silencing of victims to deceive those who might condemn or provide/find support.

Who does this Silence empower?

Comment: It is their business and public has no right to know that, unless the family relents.

Not just Domestic Violence by husbands, but all violence by family members is excused as a ‘Personal Matter’.

Comment: भाई बहन का निजी मामला है (it’s a personal matter between the brother and the sister) Link

And here – Is this even relevant?

Comment: लड़की भी कोई अच्छा काम नही कर रही थी (the girl was not doing exactly a nice job) Link

This is a possibility,

Comment:… इस लड़की के भई ने अपने उस दोस्त से कुछ पैसा लिया होगा तभी वो जबरदस्ती कर रहा था की वो शाद्दी कर ले … (Maybe he had accepted money from the friend that is why he was trying ot force her to marry him.) Link

Shame, honor, freedom and controls are all linked.

Comment: What a shame young girls working at bar for living and our businessmen, politicians and officers earning in lacs n crores. On the top such brothers with no responsibility and barberic nature’

What I found shameful is that the brother thought he could control where she worked and who she should marry.

Related Posts:

Letting an outsider see or comment upon our imperfections is washing dirty linen in public?

By lodging a complaint the girl would get undue publicity and that would adversely affect her marriage prospect.

Dad knifes girl for speaking to lover

How many women would dare to say this?

“Girls need to be little bit aware of the consequences. Men – will enjoy …”

Please watch Queen. Feels like our country is finally changing.

“10 years ago, the girl would have been counselled on how to change her dress sense for the boy, how to do as he says.”

So where did I see this happy Indian bride …and her delighted daughter?

“I am glad that my parents never thought of raising us as ‘future daughters-in-law’.”